December 13, 2008

Tonight I single out Billy Corgan.

"In an interview with the Chicago Tribune, Billy Corgan expressed his interest in becoming a band that only releases singles from now on. Talking about 'Zeitgeist', he says, 'We're done with that. There is no point. People don't even listen to it all. They put it on their iPod, they drag over the two singles, and skip over the rest.' He adds, 'Our primary function now is to be a singles band that drives Pumpkins Inc through singles. We'll still be creative, but in a different form.'"

Shit. What the hell is happening to music? Am I the only one noticing? It's almost as if this idea of digital music instead of hard copies is completely confusing musicians, and the only way that they can contend with the future is to go pop. More and more, I think Tyler is onto something here. So I'll quote one of his (and now my) favorite bands, Enter
Shikari: "Look what you've done to yourself. Yeah, you've lost the will to do what's right again."

I, for one, actually enjoyed 'Zeitgeist' very much. So I'm not stuck in the past, too much. But I can't deny the Pumpkins were in their glory days during 'Mellon Collie' and 'Adore'. Corgan seemed to have more inspiration then, before Zwan and before his solo effort (both of which weren't too bad really). But it was also before he completely pissed off two of the other
three band members. The Smashing Pumpkins died May 2000. Since then it's just been Billy Corgan Inc. And though I respect him as an artist, his ego could cover the world over (which normally I'd respect, except when you drive away a hot bassist like D'arcy).


Hey, Corgan: "Go tell all your friends that this is the end."

November 28, 2008

Why I hate the 80's.

I hate the 80's because not all of its pop icons are dead yet. Remember back when I wrote about washed-up, 80's soft-core rock dick Axl Rose preparing to finally release his 'long-awaited' CD, 'Chinese Democracy,' which makes no sense at all? Yeah, I almost forgot about that special event too. I almost forgot about disgusting Dr. Pepper's bet too:

"In March the manufacturer made headlines by saying it would give out cans of its 123-year-old soft drink if the album, “Chinese Democracy,” came out by the end of the year. That was by no means a sure proposition, since Mr. Rose had failed to meet so many deadlines over the years that the album had become the music industry’s most notorious (and expensive) shaggy-dog story."


Yeah, a few weeks ago I downloaded it and after two songs, I deleted the entire CD off my computer. But now I just read that
"it took Axl Rose 14 years to complete the latest Guns N’ Roses album. But it took his lawyers only two days to take Dr Pepper to task for not making good on a promise of free soda to “everyone in America” in celebration.
On Sunday the album was finally released, and Dr Pepper gave fans 24 hours to go to its Web site for a coupon redeemable for a can of soda; so many did that the site crashed, and the deadline was
extended to Monday.

On Tuesday his lawyers sent a harshly worded letter to the soft drink maker complaining of its “appalling failure to make good on a promise it made to the American public,” and demanding a public apology, more time for thirsty fans, and payment for piggybacking on the “Chinese Democracy” publicity."


What in the crap? I guess some thousands of people actually wanted (free) Dr. Pepper. I'll be damned. Or maybe Dr. Pepper's bandwidth sucks. You choose. But you gotta love that dick's
ego. When is he gonna realize that he had no talent 20 years ago, and his only real fans were 15 year old girls who wanted to fuck him?

Even if you ignore his shitty attempt at singing, he looks (and looked) like he just came off a 3 week binge of vodka, Big Macs, meth, and sloppy sex with hookers (who might not even all be female). If Lynyrd Skynyrd is king of white trash, and Kid Rock is prince, Axl is the court jester. But it's just our luck he's not the mime. Fuck Axl. Fuck GNR. And fuck
Dr. Pepper. Oh, and if you bought 'Chinese Democracy,' fuck you too.

(I’m so glad my high school and Ivy Tech art classes paid off. Actually, I just realized I'm terrible at drawing dicks. That's a good thing.)

In a completely unrelated note, I'm going to post this:


LIGHTS - Drive My Soul (official music video)

$10 to the first person who names what movie this is inspired by. And be honest, no cheating. Don't go look it up, you prick.

November 22, 2008

Funniest fucking thing I've ever heard.

"An Indiana State Police trooper is being credited with saving a Lafayette donut shop, after noticing it on fire early this morning as he was passing. The trooper busted a glass door and put out the flames with a fire extinguisher.

According to a release from Indiana State Police, Trooper Ryan Winters had just finished inspecting a semi at the Knight's Inn on Indiana 26 around 1:49 a.m., when he noticed flames at the nearby Krispy Kreme donut shop at 4030 State Road 26 East as he was driving away.
Winters notified dispatchers, then busted out the front glass door to see if anyone was inside. The business was closed and nobody was inside.

According to the release, Winters grabbed a fire extinguisher and put out the fire that had started in the kitchen area."

Everyone who despises cop/donut jokes just choked on these words harder than a dick. The best part is that this was probably the most work he did all week long. He's not even a firefighter or anything. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you have your priorities straight and a real motive to act, isn't it? Motherfucker.

November 16, 2008

Simple life.


I miss playing Shingen the Ruler. And Klax. And Conquest of the Crystal Palace. I miss spending countless hours in front of the shitty-ass TV Kevin and I had in our room, (not) watching the hours pass by while we kicked the shit out of Lich and Kary in Final Fantasy, showed Bald Bull who's boss in Punchout!, and ran our asses off on the GamePad, hopping hurdles in Track & Field II.


I miss playing Super C, and Super Mario Brothers, and Tecmo Super Bowl with my father, brother, cousins, and friends, and letting those pixels teach me all about life. I miss Defender II, Lifeforce, Mega Man 2, Metroid, Dr. Mario, and Tetris. I miss smashing my controllers and shouting about how my games cheat. So what the hell happened? I miss my 8-bit life.


Fuck.

November 14, 2008

Fuck penance.

I don't really have the will or patience (or maybe creativity) to write anything funny about this. I'll just post the funny parts and let you laugh at that instead:

A Catholic priest in South Carolina has decided that the democratic act of casting a vote is, in some cases, a mortal sin. Therefore, he has decided that parishioners who voted for Barack Obama are not entitled to the grace of Jesus Christ through communion until they've done penance.

"Persons in this condition should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation."

I knew this shit wouldn't stop after the elections were over.

November 6, 2008

Damnit all to fuck.

I can't find a working torrent of Repo! anywhere. Fucking movie's only playing in six theaters too. Gonna be waiting a fucking while it seems. Anyway, here's a nice little vid of the badass Paris Hilton. Tell me she's not hot. Seriously.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

November 4, 2008

Here's my braless support.


This is not the "single, greatest, and most influential moment of my life." Sorry. Most people seem to have some kind of neurological condition that forces them to believe that any and every event that occurs in their lifetime is something spectacular compared to the last five billion years of Earth's history, and that these events will be remembered for years and years.

If an average American was assigned the task of writing a history book, chronologically describing America's past based upon their own knowledge, there would be very little in the book other than the happenings within their own lives. And that's why people think that anything notable that happens in their short, miserable lives eclipses every other event in
history: they're too ignorant and apathetic to research and learn on their own. But, they do get to vote. Makes sense to me.

Happy Election Day, or whatever. I voted this year too. Well, I voted by not voting. See, I think Bush needs another four years. It's not that he deserves it or anything. He was just really onto something: peace through annihilation. He's such a horribly underrated man of our time. He just forgot a few hundred other countries. But he does still have a few months left in his
term. Let's hope he doesn't get lazy in the home-stretch. This is no time to start slacking off. Let the bombs fall and don't forget to save a few for us.



Update: Obama won. I'll give it to him. He did a hell of a job. But guess how much Indiana helped him out? Here, I'll circle the state on the map in case you idiots don't remember where we're located:

October 24, 2008

23 flavors that all resemble shit.

The 'vice president of marketing' for a soda company made a bet with a band that was popular twenties years ago that they'd never release the album that's been seventeen years in-the-making. Unfortunately, Dr. Pepper lost to Guns N' Roses, and now on November 23, every man, woman, and child can get a coupon for a free can of the shittiest cola in existence.

And while you're at it, pick up the shitty CD (Chinese Democracy), too. And yes, I've heard it. I downloaded it, listened to two songs, deleted it, and then took a shower. Wallowing in that shit for ten minutes made me feel sad and dirty. But then I felt like Axl: all washed-up.


"Coupons will be available for 24 hours, starting at 12:01 a.m. Eastern Time on Nov. 23, 2008. Allow 4-6 weeks for coupon to arrive. Coupons will expire on Feb. 28, 2009. Limit one coupon per person." 4-6 weeks and a limit to one per person based on the fact that there's not currently enough Dr. Pepper in the world to cater to the 300 or 400 people who will actually redeem their coupons.

"So get out your straws and chill those glasses, kids — the Dr will be in your fridge soon, all thanks to Mr. Axl Rose."

I guess this is all = bad taste x 2. Does anyone remember when Axl Rose wasn't a coke/meth/fuck/dick-head? Yeah, me neither.

October 19, 2008

'Ten Leagues Beneath Contempt'

I am the biggest fan of Cradle of Filth I know. That’s how I realized I am so badass. I was listening to Filth in junior high, while I was listening to Third Eye Blind and Sugar Ray. Metallica and Megadeth didn’t introduce me to metal. Dani Filth did.

In late 1997, when I was in 8th grade, just before “Cruelty and the Beast” was released, I stumbled upon the mp3 of ‘A Gothic Romance (Red Roses for the Devil’s Whore)’ from “Dusk and Her Embrace,” CoF’s second album. It was completely different from what I was listening to at the time, and I became immersed in black metal without really even knowing what metal was. It was before Tool, In Flames, Metallica, Children of Bodom, and Arch Enemy. I downloaded the rest of the album, and even their first album before it, “The Principle of Evil Made Flesh.” I listened to both for the next few months, and purchased “Dusk,” as well as “Cruelty and the Beast” when it released.

Since then, I’ve bought every album; EPs and LPs, all three DVDs, the “Cradle of Fear” movie, shirts, and posters. The only CD I never justified buying was the EP “Vempire or Dark Faerytales in Phallustein,” considering it was $23 for six songs (which I just downloaded instead). I brag about all of this for a reason. ‘True fans’ of Cradle of Filth over the years have
drifted from each release since they ‘left’ black metal, and went for a cleaner sound. I’m referring to ‘elitists’ who claim the first album, or first few, of a band are the only worthwhile efforts, and any subsequent attempts are sell-outs.

This is interesting in Cradle of Filth’s case, considering the arguably best effort was in 2003’s “Damnation and a Day,” a concept album based around the devil’s fall from Heaven, his temptation of Man, and the events following. “Damnation” featured "the 40-piece Budapest Film Orchestra and 32-piece Budapest Film Choir and is partly based on John Milton's epic poem 'Paradise Lost.'” Definitely sold-out.

Ignoring the fact that they could simply keep “Prinicple” or “Dusk” in their CD players, they continue to bash each release more and more without giving any of it a chance. Ironically enough, some of Filth’s best work musically has been the ones that come under so much fire: “Midian,” “Damnation,” Nymphetamine,” and “Thornography,” the latter being the most recent and the most hated. So it’s no surprise that “Godspeed on the Devil’s Thunder,’ which releases at the end of this month is already despised by these cunts who claim to be
fans of metal.

So I downloaded the torrent for it today. I still buy good music, like today, when I bought
Amon Amarth’s newest, “Twilight of the Thunder God.” So fuck off. I wasn’t really sure what to expect, because it’s true that their sound has been changing lately, but that’s not to say that it’s horrible or it’s not metal. What I found out for myself was that “Godspeed” is the best music they’ve put out since “Damnation.”

“Godspeed” is a concept album, “based on the life of the infamous 15th century French nobleman, Giles de Rais, who fought alongside Joan of Arc and accumulated great wealth before becoming a serial killer, sexual deviant and Satanist.” Concept albums are well-known to Filth: “Cruelty” being based on Elizabeth Bathory, “Midian” being based around Clive Barker’s work, and like I mentioned before, “Damnation” being based around the devil’s fall to earth.

Just like some of their previous work, many songs feature the voice of Doug Bradley of “Hellraiser” fame, having him narrate the story while playing Giles, who the music is based upon. Without having all of the lyrics to the CD yet, I can still say “Godspeed” has some
amazing penmanship, which is where Filth has always shined. Few can match Dani's singing abilities either. Musically, it compares best to their last effort of “Thornography” with the (somewhat) recent addition of Rosie Smith’s keys easily noticeable. My personal favorites from the album are ‘The Death of Love,’ ‘The 13th Caesar,’ and ‘Darkness Incarnate,’ but then again, I rarely dislike too many of their songs.

So in summary, fuck most Cradle of Filth fans, except me, and if you’ve never given them a chance before, you could. But I doubt that if you’ve never heard them before that it’s you’re kind of music. I hear Oasis has a new album out finally. Just go listen to that instead. “I saw the silver lining hidden in a mushroom cloud.”


"Godspeed on the Devil's Thunder" comes out October 28th. To hold you over, here's a guy playing a
piano solo version of 'Cruelty Brought Thee Orchids' from the "Cruelty and the Beast" album:


October 12, 2008

A version of past events.

Yesterday, North Korea was taken off of the 'terrorist blacklist' after the North agreed to a series of steps in disarming its nuclear capabilities. "North Korea's Foreign Ministry said it will again allow inspections by the United States and International Atomic Energy Agency at its Yongbyon nuclear complex to verify the disablement process, pledged under a disarmament-for-aid deal with Washington and four other regional powers."

But in the 70s and 80s, eight Japanese were kidnapped by North Korean agents. So, naturally, Japan considers "that the U.S. decision was 'extremely regrettable.' He (Japanese Finance Minister Nakagawa) said that 'abductions amount to terrorist acts.'"

That's funny, because in 1876, Japan forced Korea into foreign trade with the Treaty of Ganghwa. Then in 1895, the Japanese assassinated Korean Empress Myeongseong. By 1910, Korea was militarily occupied by Japan and forced to sign the Japan-Korea Annexation Treaty. In 1919, over 7,000 Korean demonstrators were killed by Japanese police and soldiers. Beginning in 1939, over five million Koreans were forced into labor, and tens of thousands of men were forced into Japanese military. Korean language was suppressed, as well as its culture and artifacts. In 1993, Japanese Chief Cabinet Secretary Kono even acknowledged and apologized for Japan taking female Koreans as "comfort women" during this time.

During World War II, when Japan occupied Korea, the United States fought through South Korea and pushed the Japanese soldiers (and Koreans that were forced to fight) all the way to the border of China. This was done by Macarthur against President Truman's orders. The Chinese, fearing an invasion by the US, helped the Koreans and pushed back the US to the center of Korea, thus the creation of North and South Korea. The US installed a puppet government in the South (a supposed 'democratic-republic') and Russia installed their own government in the North (communist). The Cold War came into effect in the 50s and 60s, and the decades that went by created more and more of a rift between the two Koreas. It all puts a whole new perspective on our view of North Korea, doesn't it? Or Japan? Or us? I love how each country has its own version of history.

Also, "in August, North Korea backed out of negotiations with Japan aimed at resolving the abductee issue. If the issue is resolved to Japan's satisfaction, the government has said it would give North Korea as much as $10 billion in reparations for colonial occupation between 1910 and 1945." So, unless the North resolves the issue of eight Japanese, the millions of Koreans that died will never be apologized for, apparently. What a beautiful world.

Paris gets some fake advice.


I'd still fake vote for her...for real. If you don't think it'd be any less ridiculous than the kind of people we vote for every four years, then you also probably don't realize that you're the problem today.

October 2, 2008

Fuck these condescending assholes.



Politicians get paid even when they lie. But technically, actors get paid to lie. Technically.

I generally don't like to base my opinions and beliefs on Hollywood or any of its resident estranged, pretentious whores.

If you want to vote, then vote. If you don't, then don't.

Stop letting movie stars and musicians dictate what to think.

September 14, 2008

Richmond looks like all Hell broke loose.

And I'm not talking about trees or power lines.

What the hell is wrong with you people? 50 mph winds, and you'd think we were one step shy of Armageddon. Crazy-ass drivers, fast food lines backed up to the road, and people stockpiling on gas.

I really am baffled as to how we're on the top of the food chain.

Silly monkeys.

It's time to vote.

In recent news, this “shocking” picture of Jessica Alba in bondage has surfaced from declareyourself.com:



“The new mum posed with her mouth strapped up in bondage-style tape for the campaign, which was shot by celebrity photographer Mark Liddel.”

But, “Jessica wasn’t the only celeb to take part in the shoot – Christina Aguilera also took the opportunity to make a visual statement, by being shot with her mouth seemingly stitched up.”


Even Andre 3000 and La Toya Jackson are pictured with a bowtie in mouth and a spike through both lips, respectively.

I think I know what message they're trying to convey here. I think this presents a truth I wasn’t ready to believe, that we, as a nation, are ready for. I believe now is the time to stand up and make your voice heard. Stand with me and vote to silence celebrities. Go to declareyourself.com and support the squelching of Hollywood.

September 9, 2008

Let me report the news tonight.

Evil knows no bounds.

Apparently in Sugar Hill, New Hampshire an old woman, who probably shouldn’t have been driving in the first place, wrecked her car, setting the hag’s vehicle on fire. As if this wasn’t enough, two men violently pulled her frightened body out and attempted to car-jack the old broad with a razorblade. Luckily the car exploded in a great pyre before they were able to take it to use for their drug trafficking or armed robbery or whatever they were planning to do with it. At least, that’s what I got from it when I skimmed through it. I didn’t actually read it, but the title said it all. See for yourself:

http://www.wmur.com/family/17425534/detail.html#-

Ugly baby gets a new home.

In North Bay Village, Florida a “horrid” baby was found in the bushes. Apparently the ugly wretch was justifiably hideous enough for the mother to give her spawn away to the shrubs. The police officers and child service representatives were so appalled by its features that they left it in the bushes and thanked the mother for her effort. The full story’s found here:

http://www.local10.com/news/17429991/detail.html

I’ve never seen anyone move that fast.

In Milwaukee firefighter Lt. Ron Firnrohr (or Fenrir for short) dodged multiple bullets on a routine call for a fender-bender. “This shit ain’t nothing new, “ admitted Fenrir, “comes with the job.” Statistics prove that most fender-benders in Milwaukee end in epic gunfights and firefighters have become so accustomed to dodging them that “when the time comes, they won’t have to.” See for yourself:

http://www.wisn.com/cnn-news/17424850/detail.html

Defeat is something hard to admit.

In New York Melody Gardot has given up on trying to walk, blaming an accident she had when she was 19. Instead of reaching for the stars, which are a few feet farther away from her now, she has decided Plan B ain’t so bad. Using the notoriety of her less-able-ness, Melody (makes sense) figures a singing career is pretty safe, especially considering the gimmick of always wearing sunglasses and that most accidents don’t destroy your voice. Legs can really only take you so far. But a good song lasts 3 or 4 minutes. The quitter’s tale is told here:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/09/04/melody.gardot/index.html

Well, that’s all I skimmed through tonight. The world sure is fucked up.

September 7, 2008

College presidents vs. the government and MADD.

I have to say, this is one of the most surprising articles in news that I've read in quite some time:

"In a bold challenge to the decades-old status quo, 129 college presidents have signed a statement calling on elected officials 'to support an informed and dispassionate public debate over the effects of the 21-year-old drinking age.'"

"John McCardell, president emeritus of Middlebury College in Vermont, organized the initiative. Eight presidents helped draft the statement this summer, and the group then invited presidents of all four-year colleges and universities to sign on. He says he'd like to see alternatives considered, such as a license to allow drinking by 18-year-olds who have graduated from high school and have obeyed alcohol laws."

"McCardell acknowledges he can't point to as many studies as MADD does. But the role of a debate is to scrutinize information, he says: 'Anytime somebody tells you that science is entirely on one side of a question, that ought to send up a red flag.' While 15- and 16-year-olds in many European countries with a drinking age of 18 or younger drink more often than their US peers, they have fewer dangerous occasions of intoxication."

I can't say much more than what's in the article already, but I do know that statistics are useless:

"With an average of 4.7 million viewers, the premiere of the second season of 'The Hills' was the most watched program across all of TV for viewers aged 12 to 34 and the highest rated cable telecast of 2008."

People are stupid, and stupid people configure stupid statistics.

August 31, 2008

A hybrid of both.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die


It's a slim chance I'm voting this year, or ever, but if I do then I'll be penciling in her name. Especially since she wrote it, said it all without cue cards, and, in the end, could do no worse.

Red party, blue party. You're such a tool.

I need new friends, part 2.

Make that four openings. Just John and Brooke left now.

Actually, my phone didn't get shut off. I just changed the number and didn't tell any of you.

Assholes.

I need new friends.

There are currently three openings. The original three assholes have been ousted.

Pay: Offer of free dinner for two of the three friends (same as before).

Requirements: Don't all go out to eat and lie about where you were, when I got back with my food to find no one, after I tried to convince all three of you to eat with me for over an hour.

For further assistance, a good example of what is expected: Brooke, since she stopped by and we went to McDonald's.

Nothing to it really. Send me a resumé.

August 18, 2008

"You choked off the surest of favors."

Sometimes I say I might, which means maybe, which means perhaps, which means possibly, and I mean it. Not yes. Not no. Maybe.

Sometimes I say things, even first, and people pretend they didn't hear it.

Sometimes mistakes are made. Socrates drank himself to death.

Sometimes people get so caught up in their crusade that they eventually forget how many people are actually on their side, and might have even started the battle long before they joined. Sometimes people get so lost in what they're fighting for that they keep fighting even after the matter is resolved, and refuse to acknowledge it.

Sometimes people forget what balance is and that the excess of one extreme is unnatural and unhealthy, not to mention unbecoming.

Sometimes sacrifice outweighs selfishness. That's called character.

Sometimes people expect of others. Don't take what you're already getting for granted.

Sometimes I almost drown in the irony.

Sometimes I drink, smoke, listen to pop and folk, feel like going out instead of staying home, feel like partying at home instead of going to bars, love unconditionally, defend good people no one else does, get pissed when friends backstab, put down friends behind their backs, and come to me about problems they have with friends instead of going to them. Sometimes I don't plan for my future, care about public education, or even care about amounting to shit. Everyone around me has known this for as long as they have been friends with me. Why associate with me if any of it bothers you so much? Why associate with other people that you don't approve of? Don't expect others to change for you. You wouldn't do it for them.

This group will continue to dissolve because everyone is guilty. Compromise. Compassion. Loyalty. Forgiveness. Acceptance, if not the love, of faults. Scratch them off the list if you believe you have all of these when you're with friends. But you'll be lying. "Time destroys everything." Even convictions.

We all have high school diplomas now. I think we can all agree we're past that stage in our lives. Fuck these pissing contests. It's fucking tired.

August 12, 2008

Coddington in ’08.


I vow to make innovative changes with minimal effort or care. I plan to open up endless possibilities by doing very little, without concern or regard for your well-being. Taking into account the capacity of your feeble minds, allow me to explain my core issues with more detail:


Foreign policy

England: It's been, like, 500 years since we left England, and yet, here we are still living in its shadow. There are an awful lot of English-sounding towns like Oxford, Cambridge, and Manchester in America. Many major cities and states are also prefixed with 'New.' The town names will be renamed, and the cities and states will drop 'New' (i.e. 'New York' becomes 'York'). Furthermore, we will strike back at England and rename their towns with 'New,' thusly resulting in the formation of 'New America.' The common spoken language is also now called 'American.' New America will also be turned into a giant prison for American convicts, kinda like what old England used Australia for in the '50s or some shit.

France: After taking Paris by force using the Trojan Statue of Liberty and a metric fuckton of Navy SEALs, the flag of France will no longer be a blue, white, and red stripe, but simply a white piece of cloth.

Russia: Someone big will kick Putin in the cock, and Russia will eventually be forgotten and fade and die.

All other countries will no longer be drawn on world maps, which are all made in America, of course. Instead, the borders will no longer exist, and in the open space will be written 'undiscovered territory.'


Domestic policy

Considering you are reading this, then you must be mildly interested in electing me as president. And considering you are extremely interested in electing me as president, then you must trust me completely and fully to your capabilities. And by trusting me fully, then you no longer see any reason to have your own freewill or ability to think for yourself. Many 'unnecessary' freedoms will be revoked until further review (never).

Funding for any cure of any means will desist, and all research and advances in health care will be within pain relief. If you can't feel it, it's not there. Pills are good for you. There have been many steps in this direction over the last few decades. No need to back out now.

Education for children is a waste of precious resources. We have many factories that would make them much more useful. A twelve hour day still leaves twelve hours for them to pretend to be happy.

Beer will be served with kids' meals. American children have become weak and fragile. Diamonds are formed under extreme pressure and low temperatures. Not unlike a real man.

The word 'tax' will no longer exist. Instead, 'joyous patriotic gift' will replace it.

Imports will be a thing of the past. We will continue to export though, until the savages in the undiscovered countries no longer buy them with their offerings of oat, painted beads, and bags of rice. Then we will hunt and kill them, rape their women, and give them a holiday celebrating our friendship.

Unemployment and welfare will be demolished. If you can't work, you can't live.

History books are full of lies and very boring. They will be burned and rewritten to include spaceships, cybernetic organisms, and alien whores. The books will also be pop-outs.

Other issues

NASCAR will be a new Olympic sport. The only Olympic sport.

Pickles will no longer be cucumbers. Money will be invested in gene-splicing to create pickle trees.

Moon-shining will not only be legal, but encouraged. And awarded merits for excellence.

The urban dictionary will replace Webster's over-long run. Many words will be forgotten. Eventually even many parts of this list will become illegible, even for those not too dense to understand it now.


I'm not going to sum up the list in the conclusion, or state more reasons why you should vote for me. More than likely, you have already stopped reading because you are completely convinced by my massive intellect and decided to vote for me without needing to even finish. Coddington for President in '08.

August 8, 2008

Rorschach, my hero.

I decided to go back and reread 'Watchmen' after seeing the new trailer for the movie. I forgot how much I love the main protaganist, Rorschach. To give you an idea of how badass this guy is, here's some of my favorite quotes from him (of which most are taken from his journal):


Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire thread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"...and I'll look down, and whisper "No."

*****

Soon there will be war. Millions will burn. Millions will perish in sickness and misery. Why does one death matter against so many? Because there is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise in this. But there are so many deserving of retribution...and there is so little time.

*****

No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise.

*****

People must be told. Evil must be punished...

*****

Landlady complaining about smell. She has five children by five different fathers. I am sure she cheats on welfare. Soon it will be dark. Beneath me, this awful city, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children. New York. On Friday night, a comedian died in New York. Somebody knows why. Down there...somebody knows. The dusk reeks of fornication and bad consciences. I believe I shall take my exercise.


They had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of good men like my father, or president Truman. Decent men who believed in a day's work for a day's pay. Instead they followed the droppings of lechers and communists and didn't realize that the trail led over a precipe until it was too late. Don't tell me they didn't have a choice. Now the whole world stands on the brink, staring down into bloody Hell, all those liberals and intellectuals and smooth talkers...and all of a sudden nobody can think of anything to say.

*****

Stood in firelight, sweltering. Bloodstain on chest like map of violent new continent. Felt cleansed. Felt dark planet turn under my feet and knew what cats know that makes them scream like babies in night.

Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves, go into oblivion. There is nothing else.

Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It's us. Only us. Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world.

Was Rorschach.

*****

For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise...and step into the shadow now without complaint.


July 21, 2008

The will to act.

After seeing ‘The Dark Knight’ last night, I had a little discussion and exchange of ideas with Lisa about vigilantism and why, more often than not, people do not do the right thing, or do what needs to be done. She asked me why society does not stand up for itself. I thought about it for a moment and said ‘fear’ was the reason. After thinking about it further today, I realized I needed to reevaluate some things I believed.

I used to believe that if pushed hard enough, every man would have his breaking point, and that every act a person took had a catalyst, a motive that would set him in motion to fix what he had been wronged by. I do not think so anymore. It is just easier to accept than it is to change. Fear is much more powerful of a force than hope. People become too afraid and hope someone else has the courage, the determination, or the will to act.

For years I have revered one of the opening lines to ‘The Boondock Saints’ in which the priest says: “Now, we must all fear evil men, but there is another kind of evil which we must fear most of all, and that is the indifference of good men.” But this no longer makes sense to me. Good men have no indifference. Good men do not just believe in good, and thereby become good themselves. Good men do not accept; they change. They do not fear reprisal or condemnation. Inaction is an evil in itself. So, most men are not good.

We all want to prevent tragedy and sorrow, and to stop war, murder, rape, theft, poverty, disease, political corruption, drug trafficking, animal cruelty, eco-terrorism, and inflation, yet no one stands for it. Believing is not a battle with a resolution, and fear gets the best of everyone. That is, if there is a best of us at all. Words have never changed the world, but actions have.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." -Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

We want revolution. We want a change in the tide, and those responsible to be held accountable. Ignoring our own guilt, we hope that this dream will come soon. But I believe the more likely outcome will be that we will turn on each other first. Instead of standing up and taking responsibility, we will lose our morals and ardentness. Instead of demanding restitution and restoration, we will rob and steal from ourselves, and even while we do this, in our desperation and rage we will still blame everyone but ourselves. No one is going to save us. I hope I am wrong, but fear has the best of me.

“When the chips are down, this city will eat itself.” –The Joker

June 8, 2008

Start filling jugs of water, dipshits.

"The town of Losantville is without fire protection after the West Union volunteer fire chief and most of the town's firefighters resigned Monday night. Chief David Fisher walked out of a town board meeting, upset that the board expected him to request in writing five days before the monthly meeting any issue that he wanted to discuss. After the meeting, most of the other volunteer firefighters also turned in their radio equipment to the fire station."

Props to these badasses. Firefighters don't ever get the respect that they deserve. People always talk about cops putting their lives on the line, and firefighters rarely get mentioned. Fuck that. I, for one, find this story fucking hilarious. Firemen are always there to help. There's no crooked firefighters, like cops. So fuck Losantville. You bastards can put your own fires out now. Tough shit.

May 31, 2008

All my dreams died in Lewisburg last night.

Humid weather and cold wind. Then rain and rolling lightning. Just needed a few beers and I was ready for the tornado. But…nothing. After the storm rocked the shit outta Cambridge, New Castle, and Knightstown, and half-assed its way through Richmond I set out to chase the fucker down. Hoping it'd get stronger after it left the Richmond valley. I caught back up to it in Eaton, hail and all, and was right back in it by Greenville, but by the time I hit Lewisburg it was falling apart. So was I.

Then Bear called on my way back and said a second storm was coming, so I double-timed it back to Richmond, and waited for the sky to tear open at Chuck's. Fucked again. On the other hand, I learned what speed my truck tops out at…and what my career should be. While cloudscapes are badass, I'd much rather have a tornado at night, with a thousand flashlights, and then toss them into it.

Edit: Apparently the reports of a tornado touching down in New Castle and Cambridge were unconfirmed. There was only one confirmed report of a tornado, and that was in Lewisburg...10 minutes before I got there. Nice.

May 2, 2008

Why I'm so damn smart.

I learned to drive from Need for Speed III, I learned about politics from Final Fantasy Tactics, military imperialism from Shingen the Ruler, the medical industry from Dr. Mario, business from Lemonade Stand, teamwork from Rainbow Six, how to survive from Resident Evil, and how simple life really can be from The Sims.

Mortal Kombat and Tekken 3 taught me how to fight, Doom and Halo taught me how to shoot, Morrowind taught me reading is fun (and helpful), Uplink taught me patience, and Jet Moto 2 taught me speed. Final Fantasy VII taught me sacrifice, Track & Field II taught me exercise, Total War taught me problem solving, Tomb Raider taught me feminism, Parasite Eve taught me biology, Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball taught me anatomy (haha), and World of Warcraft taught me about addiction.

You claim to have so many better memories than me, saying I spent too much time inside playing video games while you were outside. I think it's the opposite. I was testing my reflexes, hand-eye coordination, and problem solving and reading capabilities. You were playing tag. After its release, I played Final Fantasy VIII fifteen hours straight Levi Coffin weekend. I played World of Warcraft thirty-six hours straight, with Kevin and then Tyler joining in, resulting in me calling into work and Kevin quitting his job.

I remember using spread guns in Super C, solving puzzles in D, killer cows in Diablo 2, building race tracks in Excitebike, saving people from aliens in Defender 2, writing history in Call of Duty, rewriting history in God of War, and helping the Aztecs dominate rival countries in Rise of Nations. You remember staring at clouds and chasing butterflies.

The day kids stop playing video games and go outside is a day to pray for our survival as the dominant creature in the food chain. I learned new words, mathematics, history, science, culture, politics, religion, psychology, and economics through video games, and I had a blast doing it.

Baseball is still baseball. Riding a bike feels the same as it did ten years ago. The sun never changes. The grass is always green and the snow is always white. All four seasons come and go the same time of year every year. But new video games are released every Tuesday. I win.

April 20, 2008

"Hell is other people."

Stop using religion as a crutch. In fact, stop talking about it completely. At least around me. You're not going to convert me. You've failed. Give up. Heaven does not have lakes full of crystals, or whatever the fuck you said. There's no ivory/pearl gates and no streets of gold. If heaven does exist, it's not a physical place, you fucking dipshit. And hell doesn't have the heat way up all of the time. Satan does not pay gas bills. The next time some hypocritical, holier-than-thou-art bullshit spews from your mouth, I'm going to shove it back down your throat with my fist. Drinking, cussing, and enjoying violent movies are not sins. But using God's name in vain, wanting to cheat on your fiancé, and lying all are. And not having remorse for those ensures you have a seat in hell, motherfucker. You are not hot shit. You are not an actor. You do not have friends. You will not amount to anything. You are fucking retarded.

Stop using everyone around you. You want to make yourself happy and get on your feet? Do it yourself. Better yet, stop saying you're going to do something and just fucking do it. Enjoy the moment, and stop the excessive bitching. You had a rough day? Boohoo. I don't give a fuck. I'm tired of pretending to. The truth is you're talking to a wall. You don't want/need my advice. And I don't want to hear your story. So go find a tree to talk to. Isn't it about time for you to grow up? You say you're confused, unsure, and trying to find your way. But actually you're just lazy and let others do the work for you. Stop fucking people over.

Stop pushing people around you away. Alienating your family and wondering why they no longer come around is a little puzzle you've made that doesn't have any pieces. You're fucked in the head. Everyone sees it. Stop blaming medicine, stress, and money. You still have your memory. You just play it off like you don't, and choose to remember what you want. You are not Sammy Jankis. You are not Mother Teresa. You're just slipping into senility. By choice.

Just stop. Stop all of it. I am not like you motherfuckers. I never will be. Just leave it alone. I am not your knight in shining armor. I am not your savior or your golden child. I don't care if you're proud or disappointed. I don't care about how your day went, the bills you need to pay, your (bullshit) plans for the future, how you feel about love this week, which ugly bitch you'd fuck if you weren't getting married, or what God would think about all of this. I don't give a fuck. I don't say much when you talk to me, not because I'm listening, but because I'm trying to figure out a way to murder you and get away with it. So stop talking and fuck off. All three of you are full of shit and I see right through it.



"Hell is other people." -Jean-Paul Sartre (No Exit)

March 19, 2008

Tuesday zombie movie marathon.

So after work I decided I’d finally go buy ’Black Sheep’. As you can tell by the cover, it’s about zombie sheep in New Zealand. Sounds badass. I figured Hasting’s would have it. But the fuckers didn’t. So I picked up two other zombie movies I hadn’t seen yet instead, and turned my night into a zombie movie marathon. Here’s how it turned out:

1st Movie…

Resident Evil: Extinction

I was hoping for the best with this one. The first was kickass, and though Apocalypse was somewhat disappointing (especially Nemesis), the trailers looked pretty fucking good. I got about the same enjoyment out of it as the second. Nothing spectacular, nothing horrible. It threw in a lot of cool shit, like: zombie birds, a pryo scene that made me think of the Phoenix, and a slight overall feel that reminded me of ’Day of the Dead.’ But I’m tired of this clone kick that everyone in Hollywood seems to be on. It’s fucking tired. And how in the fuck was that mutated scientist supposed to be cool, let alone the main ’boss’ fight at the end? That shit was as fucking pathetic as it gets. Also, why the hell did all 30 people in the band of survivors get out at every stop they made? Oh, so they could kill off everyone from the previous movies and leave an open ending for the next installment which will apparently only have one person in the cast: Alice, one million times over. Good action, good effects, shitty dialog, and piece of shit plot. 3 severed zombie heads (out of 5).

2nd Movie…

Automaton Transfusion

I knew what I was getting into with this one. A low budget and the whole movie filmed in 9 days. I was expecting zero plot, poor acting, but lots of blood and some precision chainsaw-to-the-face combos. It started off like I expected, with a bunch of pansy high school kids like you see in all the clichéd teen flicks. But I knew this was gonna be good about thirty minutes in when a zombie punched through a chick’s stomach, pulled out a fetus, and ate it. Wow. Despite the serious need of more testosterone in these whiny bitches (especially the men), this movie had it all: shotguns, chainsaws, baseball bats, and even brass knuckles. Then the whole movie went to shit in the last 20 minutes with a fucking moronic ending (military-created zombies after Vietnam) and a huge "To be continued…" before the credits rolled. Fucking lame. 2 severed zombie heads (out of 5).

3rd Movie…

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Ok, so after those two (somewhat) shitty zombie movies, I put in one that was already my own that I just couldn’t go wrong with. One of the only good remakes, ever. You can’t go wrong with the same director as ’300’ (and the upcoming ’Watchmen’); same music composer as ’300’, Rob Zombie’s ’Halloween’, and ’Doomsday’; Ving Rhames, and a guy perched on a rooftop sniping celebrity look-a-likes. This movie just kicks fucking ass all around. Romero started this zombie shit. There’s no denying it. But in my mind, this is probably the best it will get. I really don’t need to say more. If you haven’t seen it, you’re fucking bait. And you’re not ready. Because they’re coming.
5 severed zombie heads (out of 5).


"When there’s no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the earth."

March 7, 2008

Fuck hard liquor.

I'm done with it. All of it. No more fucking hard liquor for me. This morning about an hour before work I crawled into the bathroom and threw up half a fifth of vodka and Bloody Mary mix, and a few beers. To help paint this beautiful picture much more eloquently for you, some even came out of my fucking nose. I couldn't even tell if some of it was blood or not. So then I cleaned myself up, took a shower, took eight aspirin, and went to work like a fucking soldier.

After holding the rest down and putting up with the bright fluorescent lights and that motherfucker's annoying motherfucking stories and bullshit, I came to the conclusion that I seriously need to fucking stop. No more waking up and forgetting where my truck is. No more throwing up or hangovers. No more drunk dials. No more cleaning up my puke or being carried out of bars. No more fucking road signs. No more Everclear, Jaeger, vodka, scotch, whiskey, absinthe, tequila, and yes, no more rum or 151. I'm out. I'm done. Fuck hard liquor.

But I'm still down for a round of beers. There's no way I'd stop that shit a week before St. Patty's. I'm taking shit easy now. So be prepared.

March 5, 2008

Fuck my truck.

So, today, two days after paying a tow bill and for a new tire, which would best be described as blown-the-fuck-open, not flat, I came out to find my back passenger tire locked up from the emergency break. Nothing fucking new. I usually just gunned it and it would kick off, no problems. Not today. Today, instead, I gave it hell and nothing was working, except completely burning my fucking clutch. That worked.

Now I'm paying another tow bill, and over a grand apparently, for the clutch and the new break line. Seems a bit fucking steep to me. Then again, it wouldn't truly be my vehicle until I paid more in repairs in less than two years than what I paid to begin with. It's getting very close to being as great of a vehicle as all of the rest of pieces of shit I've had.

I came up with the idea this morning that I should drive it into a quarry. Then I realized that would be impossible since I can't shift fucking gears. But if I had it towed to the quarry, I
could just push the damn thing off. Then I realized that the back wheel was locked up and I couldn't even do that. So my new idea is to set up a stack of bricks and spend all day throwing them at my fucking sorry excuse for a truck. Fuck my truck.

On a side note, some of you fucking assholes are more than welcome to sit in the cab/bed while I throw the bricks. Just a thought. Kill two birds with one stone...

February 24, 2008

Fuck this blog.

I've come to realize that all of the trivial things in life really aren't. Nothing is trivial. It all really just adds up to stereotypes and genres that everyone fits into. No one escapes a label. It's sad, but fucking true. If you think you don't, just ask someone who doesn't care what you think. I've come to find that I'm everything I've ever hated. I live in black and white. In extremes. The only line that's truly blurry is the one between pessimism and wisdom. And even that starts to clear after half a bottle of Dark Eyes.

I'm so fucking naïve. I believe in fake honesty. It's my Achilles' heel. And whether people realize it or not, they definitely take it for granted and use it to their own advantage. What the fuck compels people to walk all over me, as if they think they have something to gain by it? A fucking enemy, that's what. Truth be told, I'm full of shit. I give everyone a hard time about their beliefs, test them, and make them question themselves. But when it all comes down to it, some of the few things I believe in, I don't even have. I'm not sure how I could believe in something that I don't have, but I think they call that "blind faith." Meaning I'm a hypocrite.

I'm tired of spending my money on unneeded shit, like $3.00 a gallon for gas and going on long drives just thinking, drinking, and doing absolutely nothing. Like $4.00 beers at bars that I'm fucking sick of. Like the 12-16 cigars I fucking smoke everyday. I pretend I'm not addicted to these things, but I know I fucking am. I'm tired of putting up with people's shit, like listening to stories about how they love to brag about themselves. Like how people enjoy telling me what to do with my life. Like how people pretend to understand "the answers" to the shit I go through when they're worse than I am. I'm tired of shit resurfacing that I thought I was through with. I'm tired of shit haunting me. It's fucking killing me.

I'm tired of my parents pretending to be something they're not, like happy. Like when they act like they're decent role models and try to make me feel ashamed for being young. Like when they think they're responsible without a job, more debt than I can imagine, and don't feel guilty for alienating their own fucking family. I'm tired of their shit.

I'm sick of watching promises get broken. I'm sick of the daily fucking grind and it all amounting to jack shit. I'm sick of drama. It's getting so old so quick. I feel like I never even graduated high school and it's what I get up and go to everyday, like I never even fucking left. I'm sick of these same assholes telling me to grow the fuck up. I'm sick of feeling like my mind is that of an eighty-year-old grouchy asshole who's fed up with life and the bullshit it has to offer. I'm sick of pathetic people telling me I need to do something with my life. But trust me, not being like them is motive enough. If I really need to better
myself, the best way would be to distance myself from them.

I'm sick of not having the balls to tell people to just fuck off. Or when I just stand there and listen to their bullshit and I don't kick them in the fucking groin. If I just sit there and listen, they start to think I care what they're saying, instead of a hook to the face, which would really tell them what I'm thinking. Maybe I should stop procrastinating and start fucking some people up. Maybe I should start making an effort.

Sometimes I just want to wash the world in gasoline and flick my cigar from a safe distance to watch it spread, and burn completely. Sometimes.

Well, I'm done getting hammered and being emo for the night, so eat shit.

January 29, 2008

What I believe in.

For those who are confused or just never know what the fuck I believe in:

1. Family - My brother and sister have always been there for me. When my parents didn't, I helped raise them. I helped teach them to read, long before I ever did. And even though I never had the twin I was supposed to have, two and a half years later I think I did. My cousin (my other brother) has always been there for me too. His home was our second.

2. Friends - Some old ones and some new ones. Some of the things they've done for me have been more than I ever would have asked for. I consider them family and I'd do the same for them without hesitation. Family and friends probably shouldn't even be two seperate things.

3. Happiness - The kind that you feel deep inside, not fleeting glimpses of temporary joy. I've felt it before. I know it exists. It's simply a choice, which is completely up to me alone. All I have to do is decide.

4. Love - It's not simply given. It has to be earned. All that's really needed is effort. If I have the first three things, then this one comes with time. I've felt enough hate to know love is real. And I've felt this too. Need a deeper meaning to life? Logic is overrated. To feel is why we're really here.

5. Myself - I've never doubted myself. I've never had problems with believing in myself, which I can say with complete honesty. But I've come to realize that I put others above myself in most situations, and it tends to get taken for granted. So I'm taking a different approach. I call it the 'fuck you' method. I think it's going to work out. At the same time, for those who appreciate me, and I know which ones, I won't change. Why let a few selfish cunts fuck it up for everyone else?

I don't believe in much. Life is subjective. But if you find something to believe in, and you understand it completely, then stand true in your convictions. Uncertainty is worse than being wrong.

January 20, 2008

Beef for dinner, everyday.

For those not in-the-know, it was recently announced that the FDA “has ruled that it’s safe for meat and dairy manufacturers to use such (cloned) animals as sources for food products. Consumers are wary of the idea of cloned food. But advocacy groups opposed to the use of cloned-source food haven’t come up with a strong reason to stop it. To make sure there isn’t one, any company using cloned animals should label clearly—and monitor what happens as its products go out into the world. Responsible drug companies, toy companies, all sorts of manufacturers do this.”

I don’t know. Comparing a package of cloned hamburger to a Spongebob action figure probably isn’t the best fucking example. Does anyone else think this is one of the most bizarre ideas American fuckheads have come up with in a long time? Sure, this steak is the same as that one, but that doesn’t mean it’s not completely weird. But does that mean we’ll have one fatass cow living in a laboratory that we can just clone over and over? And does that mean we’ll have a shitload more meat to go around, leading to $2.00 t-bones? Fucking doubt it.

“There’s no evidence that cloned food should be prohibited. After all, humans have been eating genetically altered organisms for 10,000 years plus. Wheat, for example, was once a wild grass, cloned and cultivated over hundreds of human generations. Livestock breeding is just low-tech genetic modification. Cows are designer meat and milk factories.”

Good point. We’ve cloned plants, now we’re cloning animals. What else should we be cloning? Can’t have children? Here, we’ll clone mine. Dog got hit by a car? Bring him back. This is so fucking stupid. So, theoretically, if I was a cannibal, could I clone myself and then eat me? Gives new meaning to ‘go fuck yourself.’ I’m personally against cloning because I don’t think we need to be cloning any Americans, since most have shit for brains. Then again, I guess Tyler will never run out of milk again.



"There are more fools in the world than there are people." -Heinrich Heine

January 2, 2008

Bad whiskey & bad weather.

I normally like winter and never bitch about the cold. But this shit has got to end. I'm sick of it already. Half-assed snow and stupid fucking people that can't drive. If it's gonna snow, it should be enough for me to enjoy it, ie. can't go to work because I have to dig 6ft down to find my truck. And how in the fuck can you people not drive in 1-2 inches of snow? You live in motherfucking Indiana. You should be used to it by now. Jesus.

So you dumbfucks and Mother Nature got me drinking shitty whiskey to stay warm and calm the fuck down. The next dickhead that pulls out in front of me on 35 when I'm doing 55 is gonna have to think up another New Year's resolution. Cheers, fuckheads.
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