February 24, 2009

This little book is long overdue.

"'Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark' will open on Broadway on February 18, 2010 with music and lyrics written by U2's Bono and The Edge. The show is inspired by more than 40 years of Marvel Spider-Man comic books, but spins a new take on the tale of Peter Parker, who finds himself endowed with astonishing powers after he is bitten by a genetically altered spider.'

Yes, you read that correctly. Bono is going to write music for a Spider-Man Broadway musical. If the earth opened up and Hell arose from beneath the stage, I wouldn't even be the least bit surprised. To tell the truth, I'd actually be relieved.

"Bono and The Edge, one half of U2, will make their Broadway debut by creating new music and lyrics for the 'Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark.' Casting for the show is yet to be announced."

"Bono and The Edge, one half of U2," as if U2 was some kind of fucking superhero team, actually believe they're still cool and hip enough to make music people enjoy. Actually, I think Bono believes he's a superhero, with all of the 'humanitarian' work he does. The fuck was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, and even knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. As Slu would say, "What a dick."

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His music is terrible (even the old shit), his ego is off the scale, and there's nothing creepier than an old man trying to be cool in front of a bunch of kids by attempting to dress and act like them. At the start of his career he made himself out to be a Bob Dylan or Willie Nelson with his vague and generalized 'protest' lyrics and attempt at singing.

As the years progressed, and record sales declined, the hack decided to be an artist in marketing, you could say. He sold-out quicker than light beer and nachos at NASCAR. Need proof? Here's an I-Pod commercial from 2004. I remember this one well, and decided to look it up for this. Despite everyone else being silhouetted, which is the way they had always done these commercials until this one, Bono is seen quite clearly.



Show me someone who still listens to U2 and I'll show you someone who's over the hill and can't escape the past. If there was ever a reason for me to be ashamed of being Irish, Bono would be it. There are no known words to me to express my hatred for this piece of shit. And there is no known crime that I wish would befall him. I hope there is a Hell, solely for the purpose of Bono burning in it for all eternity.

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Can't place it, but it sounds so familiar.

"Gamers beware: Keeping too tight a grip on the console and furiously pushing the buttons can cause a newly identified skin disorder marked by painful lumps on the palms, Swiss scientists said on Tuesday.

Called 'PlayStation palmar hidradentitis' by the scientists, the skin disorder can cause painful lesions on the palms similar to patches found on the soles of children's feet after taking part in heavy physical activity, they said."

Yeah, they're called fucking calluses. Is America really so spoiled and lazy that we've forgotten what they are, and have actually come up with new names for them? I don't know a lot of Latin, but I can read that. It basically translates to 'Playstation hard palm' which sounds like a new badass account name...

I hate you stupid people.

February 11, 2009

"If it's too loud, you're too old."

So, music has no soul these days? I'm assuming this is based on the radio, MTV, music videos, and the top 40, right? Your "golden years" view is simply an embargo on a little time to actually research something, anything outside of the mainstream. You're only partial to your own age, whether it be the 60's, 70's, or 80's. You think our music all sounds the same and has no talent or lyrical power? Their inspiration resonates from your age, just as yours did from the years before.

So, go ahead, bash our music. But I do have one question for you. We all listen to classic rock and oldies from the past, but why is it that we never hear you listening to music from your own parents' childhood?

February 9, 2009

The machinist.

A very wise English teacher I once had said to the class: "There's no point in trying. Everything you plan to do has been done and every idea you will ever have has already been thought of before." So, taking his advice, I'm posting all the quotes I've copied down from a certain favorite co-worker of mine. As you read them, you'll know why I had to write them down before I forgot them, though some are said on a regular basis. Unfortunately, there are many I never had a chance to. Keep in mind, these are all things said to other co-workers, or him talking to me about them or someone he knows. As far as I can tell, he actually likes me. But I hope not, because then that would lessen his image in my mind and I would lose a little respect for him. I can only hope to become half the man he is.


Well, I'm heading to the house. If my dinner's not ready, I'm going to raise hell. If it is ready, I'm not going to eat.

I have a lot of tools at my workbench, but I've never seen one quite like you.

He's the kind of guy that'd jerk his dog off to feed his cat.

I call my wife Troll. She loves it. (Even has her name in his cell as 'Troll')

I hope your sons didn't get their brains from you. You're a fucking idiot.

You're getting married? Dumbass. I didn't even know people still did that. I guess kids today are just as stupid as they've always been.

I used to drink a 40 in the parking lot everyday on my lunch break. So one day a guy I work with, who was also a preacher, came up to me and said I shouldn't do that. That if I came to his church on Sunday, he could save me. So I asked him if he could save anyone. "Yes, anyone." Can you save a murderer? "Yes." Can you save a rapist? "Yes." Can you save a whore? "Yes, I can save a whore." Then can you save me a whore Friday night? That dickhead didn't talk to me on lunch anymore.

Wherever you find four Baptists, you'll find a fifth.

I'm going home to a hot woman and a cold beer. And it better not be the other
way around.

She quit? I don't blame her. Fuck this place. I'd quit too, if I didn't hate everything else even more.

Three illegitimate kids. I don't understand it. You kids can't just fuck for fun anymore?

Look at her dressed all in white, as if she was still a virgin. Probably hasn't been a virgin since the sixth grade.

When God made woman, He sure wasted one of man's damn ribs.

'M-F-er'? Is that like 'motherfucker'?

What a dick./He's a dick./Ain't he a dickhead?/You ever met a dick like that?

Cheap bastard./Cheap prick./That son of a bitch is cheap./Here's a nickel. I know how cheap you are, prick.


The man's a living legend. He has diabetes, calluses for hands, and he hates small talk. When he talks, I listen. When he comes over to my desk, he just sits in my chair and I stop what I'm doing because I know the shit about to come out of his mouth is going to be epic. Sometimes I think I'm staring into the mirror. Then I remember I'm not that badass. But he's teaching me.

February 2, 2009

A zombie film guide, part 4 (of 4).

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Here’s the fourth and final part of the zombie movie list. This time around I’ve got sequels, a few unknowns, and cult classics that no zombie list should be without. I even managed to make it to an even forty movies, which I didn’t think I’d get. There’s a couple I’ve downloaded but haven’t watched and a few I still would like to find, so I may end up making a fifth addition later, but for now, here is the rest of every undead movie I can recall ever watching.


House of the Dead 2 (2005)

A virus lets loose on a college campus, and a special ops team isn't sent in until about 30 days later. Somehow the zombies created from this virus never seem to venture off campus, probably because they're still waiting for their classes to resume. This is the sequel to Uwe Boll's masterpiece, but since he's not behind this one, it's actually a bit better. Just a bit. The characters are still plain and 2-dimensional, with the only exception really being the main female lead, though still nothing spectacular. The action is par, but the whole film takes place at night and begins to wear on you, since everything just looks too dark. But you can't expect much from a made-for-TV movie. All in all, it's better than it's predecessor, but still crap.

Best line: I don't remember any and I can't find a single quote anywhere. So, none.




Re-Animator (1985)

Jeffrey Combs (the crazy FBI agent from The Frighteners) stars as Howard West in this H. P. Lovecraft-inspired horror about a medical student assisting West in reanimating the dead. I've put this cult classic off for years until just the other night. It's campy, cheesy, and filled with so much damn blood that I'm amazed it's an 80's movie. It really surprised me at how much I like it. Some of it doesn't really make sense (like a severed head that's still able to talk separated from its body), but it's meant to be silly like that. Some of the lines are hilarious and well timed, and the make-up is pretty damn good. I can see why this movie has such a huge following. There are two sequels to Re-Animator, which I'll have to check out later. I'm glad I finally watched this one.

Best line: "You steal the secret of life and death, and here you are trysting with a bubble-headed coed."




Braindead - Dead Alive (1992)

"A young man's mother is bitten by a Sumatran rat-monkey. She gets sick and dies, at which time she comes back to life, killing and eating dogs, nurses, friends, and neighbors." It's hard to believe this is Peter Jackson, the man who brought you The Lord of the Rings trilogy, but it is. It's hands down the goriest and most disgusting movie I have ever had the pleasure of viewing. That's no exaggeration either. It's sick. Actually, the zombie game Dead Rising took inspiration from Braindead, because in the end the main character holds up a lawn mower and hacks up tons of zombies. It's gruesome. Braindead is technically a horror/comedy in the same style as Re-Animator and many others on the list, but I can't say I've seen anything much like it. It's low budget obviously, and one of the funniest parts is the Sumatran rat-monkey, that looks like complete shit. It's so cheep that it cracked me up. I can't see too many people appreciating this movie like I do.

Best line: "I kick ass for the Lord!"




Wicked Little Things (2006)

A widow and her two daughters inherit a house from her late husband up in the mountains near a mine, where kids used to work and were all killed. Now the zombie kids are back for blood. Despite the film being beautifully shot, especially the opening of the kids in 1913, tinted in black and amber, the movie was stale. I predicted the plot and the actions of the characters with ease, and it never once surprised me. It's definitely not as bad as some of the crap already on this list, but it's never good. I'm not really sure that these kids are zombies, though they call them that in the movie. They are undead though, and eat the people that they kill, so that means they aren't ghosts. I guess that makes them zombies. Overall, a boring flick with wasted cinematography. The trailer sucks, but it's the only one I could find. Sorry.

Best line: "Run." "What?" "Run." "Where?" "With me, RUN!"




Night of the Creeps (1986)

A cult 80's horror movie about alien parasites that take control of a person, turning them into a zombie, taking place at a college university. I'm not really sure why this one is so popular. It blows. It has its moments or humor, though sparse, and it's never all that terrible. But it suffers from too many clich├ęs and I can't really tell if they took it too seriously or not. I hate movies like that, when it seems like the crew thought they were actually making a good film, when they weren't. I found this movie to be too slow and boring, until the last fifteen minutes or so. And the make-up and props, like severed heads, or just horrible. It's the true definition of a B-movie.

Best line: "Detective, other than confessing to a murder, is there a point to this conversation?"




Outpost (2008)

Starring Ray Stevenson (the new Punisher), a scientist hires a group of mercenaries to take him to an abandoned bunker in Europe, that turns out to be an old Nazi bunker. Apparently, the Nazis built a machine called a field generator that allowed them to turn a troop of soldiers immortal, existing within this field and enabling them to come and go at will. It's better explained in the movie, which is actually rooted well in science, but that's the basics. I just found out about this one the other day, and it sounded amazing. Nazi zombies. It doesn't get much better than that. To become immortal in this field, they had to kill all of the soldiers first. This is how they basically become zombies. At first, it sounded more like they were ghosts, but they're technically still somewhat alive and when they "take shape" they are real and can interact with objects at will. It's probably the most innovative zombie idea I've seen in years. The movie itself is beautifully shot and the actions scenes are great, but it's actually more of a scary movie than zombie shoot-em-up, and some of the scenes are creepy as hell. The best being the first time the forest lights up showing their silhouettes. Definitely a good low budget horror movie.

Best line: "See, the bright light...it ain't Heaven, son. It's just a muzzle flare."




Pet Semetary (1989)

Based on the Stephen King novel, the Creed family move into a new house in the country, near an old pet cemetery, that used to be an Indian burial ground. There's a curse on the land, and the family decides to bury their dead pet there. And it decides to come back. But it's not really alive anymore. Eventually people get buried there, including the Creed's little boy, Gage, which is one of the creepiest little kids in any movie, far surpassing these shitty Japanese horror knock-offs. This is one of the many good Stephen King adaptations, and still a creepy flick. The acting is great by everyone too, and like I said before, especially the little boy.

Best line: "Today is Thanksgiving day for cats. But only if they came back from the dead."




Pet Semetary II (1992)

The sequel to the Stephen King-based movie, this time starring a young Edward Furlong before he disappeared off the face of the Earth. It's basically the same ideas as the first, though nowhere near as entertaining or creepy, mainly because there was no novel to base it off of. It's been years since I've seen this, so I can't fully remember it all, but it was average at best. There were a few scenes that came off a bit hokey, and this brought it down quite a bit. The acting was nowhere near as good either. Definitely not as good as the original.

Best line: "Drew, I know your dog died, but get a grip, man, you're freaking me out!"




Route 666 (2001)

Beneath Route 66, four prisoners were buried and then paved over. They come back as zombies. I vaguely recall this film and just remembered watching it the other day. I can't give a great review giving that I’ve forgotten most of it, but I can tell you that it was a shitty made-for-TV kind of movie and I don't even remember how it ends, or if I finished it at all. I do remember that the Feds kept firing hundreds of rounds, not taking down the zombies at all, and obviously it was quite profound, seeing as how I couldn't even find a trailer for it. I guess that says a lot in itself.

Best line: "Don't leave me here with Helen Keller and the Three Blind Mice! I am not safe with these guys!"

No trailer.
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