January 30, 2009

A zombie film guide, part 3 (of 4).


Here’s part 3 of the zombie marathon thing. This time, I’ve got a few horror/comedies, a few cult classics, and the famous Resident Evil series. This puts the list at thirty strong now. That’s a hell of a lot of zombie movies. Just one more part of the list left. I’ve got two or three hard to find flicks left to watch, then I’ll finish.

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Shaun is probably one of the best comedies I've seen, plus it's about zombies, so it really couldn't get much better than that. At its core, it's basically a parody of zombie films, but it really is so much more. The story is simple: "a man decides to turn his moribund life around by winning back his ex-girlfriend, reconciling his relationship with his mother, and dealing with an entire community that has returned from the dead to eat the living." It stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, good friends in real life, and they're damned hilarious together (just like in Hot Fuzz). There are so many examples of great lines and witty dialog, some not so obvious. For example, Nick's character and a roommate get into a fight and he tells Shaun that the next time he sees him, "he's dead." And later on, he tries to attack him as a zombie. The whole movie is tight, and any fan of zombie movies should check it out, if you haven't already. Plus, Kate Ashfield is smoking hot, as seen above. "You've got red on you."

Best line: "As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "I" in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team...I don't know what he's talking about."

Fido (2006)

A kid's best friend is actually his family's pet zombie. The whole town has pet zombies in this future world/50's era. Something happened to cause everyone who dies to return from the dead. If you're rich enough, you can have a funeral (complete with a head coffin after it's severed). If not, you come back as a zombie pet controlled by a special collar. It's a horror/comedy, obviously. I kept forgetting to check this one out since I first heard of it back in 2005, and finally remembered a few weeks ago. I'm glad I did too. I never would have imagined stand-up comedian Billy Connolly taking a role without a single line, and yet, he's perfect for the part. Aside from the kid doing a good job too, Carrie-Anne Moss actually provided the best bits of humor in this one. I never pictured her as the comedy type, but she's actually better at this than drama. Go rent this.

Best line: "Bill, just because your father tried to eat you, does that mean we all have to be unhappy...forever?"

[Rec] (2007)

A TV reporter and a cameraman are following the fire department on their night shift. They answer a call from a lady who's trapped in her home, which happens to be an apartment building. When they arrive, it goes to shit. This is actually the film that unoriginal American Hollywood execs decided to remake and release last year, called Quarantine. It's not on my list, because I haven't seen it, nor intend to. Not because it's a remake. Because I heard that almost nothing is different, except gone are those annoying little words that they put at the bottom of the screen that I hate reading because I'm lazy. Nope, just this version, in Spanish. [Rec] was filmed from the cameraman's point of view, ie. Cloverfield and Blair Witch Project, and it's scary as hell. Seriously. It's definitely more of a modern horror than campy or sci-fi crap like Resident Evil. Dark hallways, creepy lighting, it's all there. Don't be a lazy, illiterate douchebag. Rent [Rec] instead of Quarantine. Foreign horror remakes are starting to give Disney a run for it's money on telling someone else's stories.

Best line: "What's your show called?" "While You're Asleep." "While You're Asleep? Then who watches it?"

The Evil Dead (1981)

Five friends take a little trip into the woods to stay at a cabin, and while there, they set loose demons and the undead. The first of Sam Raimi's cult classic trilogy, and just like the other two, it's good, campy fun. This was back in the day, when Raimi wasn't afraid of that R-rating and liked to get his hands a bit dirty. Back in the 80's, this was a good movie because it was cheesy and campy, but now it's just kind of crappy, which is also good, of course. It's still worth checking out, because this is where ass-kicking Ash got his start.

Best line: "I know now that my wife has become host to a Candarian demon. I fear that the only way to stop those possessed by the spirits of the book is through the act of...bodily dismemberment."

Evil Dead II (1987)

It's kind of a sequel, kind of a remake, kind of a retelling. Take your pick. Doesn't matter really. Ash escapes the crazy shit from the first movie, then...takes refuge in a different cabin with other people. No matter how you look at it though, the sequel is leagues greater than the original. The first movie desperately needed some humor. This one has it. Ash is starting to turn into the prick that he is in Army of Darkness. This movie also has a massive amount of blood compared to Evil Dead, though it’s extremely overdone for comic value. That's the reason that these are cult films. It's just not the general public's thing. But it's definitely mine.

Best line: "Hey, what do you say we have some champagne, huh, baby?" "Sure." "After all, I'm a man and you're a woman...at least last time I checked."

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! - Strippers vs. Zombies (2008)

Not to be confused with Zombie Strippers!, though not much different. Same old shit: a failed experiment goes wrong and ends up creating a bunch of zombies. Oh, and trust me, its as amazing as it's two titles. Some strippers, their friends, and others barricade themselves inside a strip club with the undead beating down the doors. There are no stars in this one. And no plot. The action is terrible. The dialog is the verbal equivalent of not wiping after you shit. One of the guys even "parodies" the infamous line from another shitty movie, Snakes on a Plane: "I'm sick of these motherfucking zombies in this motherfucking strip club." I like crappy movies. But I don't like movies that are so terrible that I can't even laugh. I just feel ashamed for downloading it, and watching it, and especially finishing it...

Best line: "Don't say another word, you fucker, or I swear to God I'll blow your pimp ass in half!"

Resident Evil (2002)

A global corporation accidentally releases the infamous "T-virus" in one of it's large underground facilities. Alice, confused and suffering memory loss, goes down into the building with a group of soldiers to kill zombies, or something like that. Resident Evil is based of a series of badass zombie video games, of which have nothing in common with the movies, save a big house at the opening...and zombies. But actually, this is the only Resident Evil that doesn't suck a hard one. It's all action and one liners, but at least it's all good. Milla Jovovich stars as Alice, playing the only role she knows how, which is always hit and miss, but works this time. Also playing a role she was apparently born into is Michelle Rodriguez. The action though, is actually very well done. This is really the only one of the three to see. I just read today that the fourth is announced, and will take place in Alaska. Brilliant. Because there are lots of people to turn into zombies in Alaska...

Best line: "Bitch wouldn't open the door, so I had to fry her."

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

Alice is out of the facility, supped-up with some secret serum, and is ready to hand Raccoon City a new one. But Umbrella has plans of their own: an eight-foot tall, bazooka carrying zombie Bigfoot named Nemesis...and he knows kung-fu. In this one, they decided to try pulling more stuff from the games, namely Nemesis (minus the karate) and Jill Valentine, who's hot but can't act. Just like the first one, the action is dead on, but unlike the first one, the dialog blows. Sometimes you'll hear those kinds of lines that make you squint because it was actually painful to watch and hard to imagine someone getting that kind of a job, and getting paid to write it. Anyway, it's a big step down from the first, but I wasn't expecting much. Its proof that a big Hollywood budget won't necessarily make your movie any better than Zombie Strippers! or House of the Dead.

Best line: "GTA, motherfucker! Oh, yeah! Ten points."

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

The survivors of Raccoon City are now traveling across the desert of Nevada hoping to reach Alaska, which makes sense from the standpoint of a story, but not a sequel. In keeping with the tradition, they introduce more characters from the game, who mean nothing, because they're bad actors portraying flat characters, who all like to get out at every stop on the ride just to get themselves killed. I can see the pattern here. The action gets better and better while the plot and dialog and reason for keeping this series going all begin to fade away. While I liked this one slightly better than the last, it's definitely not noteworthy, and the ending in itself is one of the most retarded things I've seen from a big summer blockbuster. And I've seen Independence Day.

Best line: "I knew your sister. She was a homicidal bitch."

Resident Evil: Degeneration (2008)

After the fans of the Resident Evil video games bitched enough, Capcom wised up and gave them a movie based off of the video games. A purely CGI flick starring characters Leon S. Kennedy and Claire Redfield, the story takes place some odd years after Resident Evil 4. It begins at an airport, with an outbreak of the T-virus, and the story starts taking some turns along the way. While I would have rather seen a live action version of this, I can't ignore the amazing CGI work done here. It's on par with the best, which is amazing considering it never got a theatrical release. The original voice actors reprise their roles from the games and since they've done this all before, they do a great job. The action is great. The dialog is never moronic. And the story is on par with the games. It really makes me wonder who thinks they know what the general public will like and not like. Maybe the same people that want to make a zombie movie in Alaska, or remake Oldboy, or make a movie about 2012.

Best line: "They aren't fast, we can get by them."

January 27, 2009

The revolution of thought.

A truck driver came in and started rambling on about the 2012 end of days bullshit to a coworker. I rolled my eyes, like usual when this crap's brought up, because I know people don't actually know what they're talking about, just repeating hearsay in similar fashion to that old kids' game of "telephone" and Roland Emmerich is lapping it up like the last puddle of water in a desert.

Anyway, I kept my mouth shut, as usual, and let him talk about how "every 24,000 years the Earth destroys itself and in 2012 it's gonna do it again for the fifth time." Wow, is that all the Earth's been around for? He continued by explaining how "Nostradamus predicted this, like that guy that uncoded the Bible" and skipped over Revelations apparently. Then he finished by saying he didn't believe in global warming and that in 2012 "the sun's gonna disappear behind the Milky Way and the farmers ain't gonna grow no food no more." Word for word, quote for quote. I wrote this shit down. It still amazes me that people question why I have no faith or hope for humankind.

January 26, 2009

A zombie film guide, part 2 (of 4).


This time I've put together more classics and cult favorites, with a couple of remakes. I've featured all five of the great George A. Romero's creations, and the two remakes that followed. This will make it halfway through the list, making you that much more prepared for the necro-Armageddon, that I'm sure will happen any day now...hope will happen any day now:

Army of Darkness (1992)

Probably one of the most recognized cult horror movies. The third in the Evil Dead series, though technically more of a sequel to Evil Dead II. This time around, Ash is transported back in time to around 1300 to fend off the undead from King Arthur's castle. This is easily the best in the series, getting a much bigger budget, and best of all, features some much needed humor. This is where the movie succeeds. The best parts of the movie are the quips Ash spouts off to these confused people. To me, this is Sam Raimi's greatest flick, even better than his later Spider-Man trilogy. He should really stick with horror. Definitely the best of the three Evil Dead movies (which I'll review the other two later). Look for the director's cut instead of the theatrical release.

Best line: "Well, hello, Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you, pal. You ain't leadin' but two things right now: Jack and shit...and Jack left town."

Zombie Strippers! (2008)

Same old, same old. The story is: the government created a bio-virus thing to reanimate the dead to use them as soldiers, then it gets loose. It somehow ends up in a strip club, and that's where most of it takes place. Starring porn star Jenna Jameson, and a bunch more of them, this movie is bad. And not in a good way. It's really made more for teenage nerds, because it's not fun, just soft-core porn. You can tell from the lines spouted off by these morons that they tried way too hard to make a tongue-in-cheek movie, but it just makes you want to stab a knife into your ear. It sucks a hard one. Watch a horror movie or watch a porno. Leave this on the shelf.

Best line: "George W. Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president, taking Florida, which due to a glitch in the Jeb B voting terminals, tallied one single vote for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger. Bush's presidency was unanimously declared legally binding by the Supreme Court as well as "totally cool" by Supreme Justice Jenna Bush who subsequently set in motion another Supreme Kegger. Following the landslide victory, a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented. Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress, claiming it was "cramping his style." American Troops continue to be strung thin due to the still raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska."

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

This is where it all began. It's the one that started it all. It's kind of like the first one, that started biting and spreading the infection. A group of people hide from the living dead in a farmhouse. Even to this day, Living Dead stands the test of time. It's still creepy as hell, with the classic black and white adding to the scare. This flick frightened people to death back in the day, and though may seem a bit cheesy today, is pure nostalgia now. Actually, along with Dawn of the Dead, this movie features the best and most realistic cast. I'll give Romero tons of credit for his early work. He did some amazing, creative things. I just don't approve of how everyone believe he created the undead and is the final authority on the definition of a zombie. But it's not his fault people are ignorant. If anything, Mary Shelley created the first zombie. Anyway, if you haven't seen the original, check it out.

Best line: "Well...the television said that's the right thing to do."

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

This is the second in Romero's Dead series and the best, in my opinion. A group of people barricade themselves inside of a shopping mall after the outbreak starts to spread throughout the state. During its time, Dawn was incredibly gory and caused many people to become sick in theaters. Today, it doesn't really stand the test of time. But what does is the background social commentary, which Romero has always been known for. It's not as subtle as some claim, unless most people are just too stupid to pick up on it (which I fear may be the case), but at least it's not as preachy as his later works. Dawn is definitely one of the greats in the zombie movie fare. It's an essential to your DVD library.

Best line: "When there's no room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth."

Day of the Dead (1985)

An outfit of soldiers take refuge in a military bunker in a now overrun California. This is the third movie in the Romero series, and not quite up to par to its previous Dawn of the Dead. Here, we see zombies beginning to get "smarter" and Romero feeding us more of his philosophical views of humanity in the background. This time it's less about "are we really any different than they are?" and "do we deserve to be saved?" and more along the lines of "no matter how small of a civilization is left, power will corrupt." The intelligent dialog from the first two movies is gone, and now all we have left is a bunch of ignorant soldiers written by a man that thinks the word "fuck" said five hundred times adds to the shock value of his outdated gore make-up. No offense to Day lovers, but it's incredibly overrated. The zombie crocodile at the beginning was cool, but not enough to save the movie. It's average at best.

Best line: "We're bein' punished by the Creator. He visited a curse on us. Maybe He didn't want to see us blow ourselves up, put a big hole in the sky. Maybe He just wanted to show us He's still the Boss Man. Maybe He figure, we gettin' too big for our britches, tryin' to figure His shit out."

Land of the Dead (2005)

The last remnants of mankind live in and around a skyscraper in Pittsburgh (of all places) and sometimes venture out to surrounding towns to collect supplies. But one of the soldiers wants to live in the skyscraper, but Dennis Hopper won't let him. So, he steals a big truck and holds the building hostage, for five million dollars. Brilliant. This is the fourth movie in Romero's Dead series, and the absolute worst. Zombies distracted by fireworks, but not even so much as look up when flashlights are shown on them? There's poor acting and dialog, and it's insanely boring. Once again, we have zombies learning how to use knives and guns, only this time they're practically people. Romero's zombies have always been slow moving and decaying. A decaying brain doesn't learn anything. I guess most people miss this. Of course, this is all just Romero asking us if we're really any different than they are. Are the corporate clones sitting in cubicles any different than wooden zombies? Are we any better than they are? Are we going to stop paying for shitty movies with overinflated budgets and bad subliminal messages from a man running out of ideas? Guess not.

Best line: "How do you work this thing?" "It's just like a video game."

Diary of the Dead (2008)

This is about a group of film students, making a horror movie, traveling across the country after an outbreak of zombies. I have to give kudos to Romero for finally trying something different with his Dead movies, though Diary is too preachy for its own good. Just like Blair Witch, Cloverfield, and [REC], it's tries for that realistic effect of having people hold the camera, but where Diary fails is with unrealistic actions by clichéd 2-dimensional characters. I know that if my girlfriend was in another room, and she screamed, I wouldn't just stand there because I was waiting for the camera to charge. Unless I didn't like my girlfriend. Still, it's slightly better than Land of the Dead, though I guess that's not saying much. The Death of Death is an interesting concept, but wasn't explored as well as it could have been.

Best line: "Out there we're lunch. In here there is a steel reinforced panic room where we can sit and play Nintendo until this whole thing blows over."

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

A remake of Romero's Dawn, and a worthy one at that. Actually, I'm one of the few who feel that it surpasses the original. In Zach Snyder's version we have fast zombies, that they never call actually zombies, better acting, better violence, better dialog, improved characterization, less social commentary (because no one wants to listen to opinions on one man's perception of mankind's oversaturated violence while watching the most violent movie ever made), and the single greatest opening fifteen minutes to a horror movie...ever. Ever. I consider this movie to be equally as good as 28 Days Later, making those two the best zombie movies you can find. This movie is well loved by most horror fans, but it's still extremely underrated. If you haven't seen this yet, then I'm sure you'll be the first to die during the outbreak. And I won't feel sorry for you one bit, because I warned you.

Best line: "Hey, I'm sorry, excuse me...when you two fellas are done blowing each other, maybe Davy Crockett could tell us the deal here?"

Day of the Dead (2008)

Technically it's just a remake, and not a sequel of Zach Snyder's remake, which is the direction they should have gone in. Basically, it's the same old clichéd story: experiments gone wrong, and got loose, and the military steps in to quarantine the town and fight the infection. It starts at the hospital, which is actually the film's best scene and goes down hill from there, in both ways. There's a few minor stars, but their acting reeks, which doesn't get any help from the shitty script. The action is top notch, but the special effects are average. Once again, we have fast zombies, but now, apparently, they can crawl on ceilings and do back flips. One thing I did find interesting was giving the zombies some small memory of their former lives, making the prime example one of the soldiers being a vegetarian when he was alive, and having no interest in eating people once he turned. I don't think I've ever seen that before, good or bad.

Best line: "Why do white people always wanna split up?"

Slither (2006)

This horror/comedy has a lot of B-movie stars, and becoming-A-movie star Elizabeth Banks. It's a little like Undead, in the sense that it's more action and horror than comedy, but it's still there. Actually, most of the best lines come from the foul-mouthed town mayor. The story isn't very original, but it's not meant to be: alien slug-like creatures take control of the town, turning them into zombie-like creatures. To be honest, it's been a while since I've seen this one, and can't remember all of the details of the story. I do remember that it's just good, crappy fun. Like I said, the dialog is the best feature. I'll have to watch this one again.

Best line: "Where is the Mr. Pibb? I told your secretary to pack Mr. Pibb. It's the only Coke I like. Goddamn Brenda exploding like a water balloon, worms driving my friends around like they're goddamn skin-cars, people are spitting acid at me, turning you into cottage cheese, and now there's no fucking goddamn Mr. Pibb?"

January 25, 2009

A zombie film guide, part 1 (of 4).


I just had a massive zombie movie marathon weekend, watching about seven or eight that I hadn't seen before. So I was inspired to make a list. Here is part one of four of every zombie movie I've ever seen, with a small review and trailer for each. Each list will have 10 movies. I’ve got three more to watch before I finish part 4, which will put the total around 38 zombie movies. If you want to prepare for the coming zombie apocalypse, you'll need these as reference to continue your existence. You have everything here: slow zombies, fast zombies, virus-infected zombies, military experiment zombies, alien zombies, alien-created zombies, zombie pets, and even zombie sheep. These are in no particular order of preference. So, get your shotgun and machete, and get your fifth of whiskey, kick back, read some reviews, and prepare for the era of the undead:

Versus (2000)

The story isn't important. Trust me. As simple as it is, it's still confusing. But the basics are: an eternal prisoner escapes into a forest, that somehow resurrects the dead yakuza buried there, and his eternal evil twin has an eternal woman hostage, whom the prisoner loved in a former life, and they must battle. Yeah. But that was all just an excuse so that the filmmakers could make one of the most badass martial arts movies with no budget, and that's what it is. Most of these actors aren't actors. They're martial artists. You'll see shit that you couldn't do if you trained everyday for the next twenty years. And that's all this is meant to be: eye candy. It's all a fun ride, and easily the best low budget movie I own. One downside is that the zombies still use guns and knives, though they never technically call them zombies or explain why they are back from the dead (ie. evil spirits).

Best line: "You can't hit me! I have five hundred times faster reflexes than Mike Tyson!"

28 Days Later (2002)

This takes place in London, twenty-eight days after the initial out break occurs. Don't listen to Romero zombie elitists. Their argument is that a fast zombie isn't a zombie, and a zombie can't be "infected". It has to be undead. The problem is that Romero didn't create zombies, which they seem to believe. This is, in fact, arguably the best zombie movie to date. It's the most realistic, in the sense that it presents the idea that it could be a viral infection, and the characters are actually developed for a change, giving them intelligence enough to make logical decisions. You also can't ignore the fact that fifty infected people charging at you at top running speed isn't scary as hell. The suspense-filled last half an hour has yet to be topped in any zombie movie. This movie will prepare you for the coming zombie apocalypse better than almost any other.

Best line: "No, no. No, see this is a really shit idea. You know why? Because it's really obviously a shit idea."

28 Weeks Later (2007)

The follow-up to the amazing 28 Days Later takes place six months later. The U.S. Army steps in to help facilitate repopulating London, but, of course, it goes wrong. While this is slightly more of an action movie, the great suspense and horror established in the first movie still remains. Acting is still top notch, the story and dialog is still better than 95% of most horror, and you just can't go wrong with Rose Byrne. You can tell the production value is better than Days, and it pays off. You lose a little less of the characterization, but not much. It's barely a step down from its predecessor, and still well worth checking out. I look forward to the next one, if they still plan on making it.

Best line: "I don't see him, where is Fester Fuck nut?" "There, look, bald guy with his dick in hands on the 20th floor."

Automaton Transfusion (2006)

It's the usual. The military conducted experiments in a small town during Vietnam, to create soldiers that never tire or weaken. Then they got loose. Some teenagers band together and try to fight the undead. It was filmed in nine days and on around $10,000. And it shows. It's terrible. There are so many inconsistencies, such as zombies with super strength, and then some that can't knock down a door. As bad as the movie is, it was made by people who were probably film students and never took it too seriously. Which means goods things came about. I enjoyed the fact that they put almost every zombie movie cliché all into one movie: a group of four people - three guys and one girl, baseball bats, chainsaws, shotguns, parents turning and then attacking their kids, military experiments, hold up in a bar, hold up in a barn, hold up in a house in the woods, girls falling, jocks, nerds, cheerleaders, and a token black guy. The greatest scene? A zombie punches through a pregnant girls stomach, pulls out the fetus, then eats it.

Best line: "To be continued..."

Black Sheep (2006)

A man tries to genetically engineer his sheep in New Zealand. It goes wrong. That's about it on the story. But this is meant to be a horror/comedy, so you can't ask for much. Actually, I was looking forward to this movie for some time, thinking it might be on par with the likes of Shaun of the Dead or Undead. Unfortunately it wasn't. It could have been so much better. It still had its humorous scenes, but I think they tried too hard in some parts, and missed great opportunities in others. It's still worth the rental, but don't expect a great comedy.

Best line: "I thought you of all people would appreciate efforts to deconstruct the colonialist paternalistic agrarian hierarchy that disenfranchises the Tangata Whenua and erodes the natural resources of Aotearoa."

Aunt Rose (2005)

Three criminals hold up in a family's house, who they hold hostage, and kill a few. But they overlook one, sickly Aunt Rose, upstairs. After they off a few of the family, Rose "revives" them to wreck havoc on the criminals. This movie is abysmal. It's terrible. The acting is atrocious, borderline sinning. And the movie as a whole is so incredibly boring that your own suicide seems a bit adventurous. The only redeeming feature of all this? B-movie scream queen Raine Brown's pretty face graces this piece of shit...until she dies halfway through and becomes a zombie. Fortunately, this movie doesn't ever try to take itself seriously at all, so laughing at it is necessary to finish it, before you finish yourself.

Best line: None.

House of the Dead (2003)

Some teenagers go to an island for a rave party, and find zombies instead. This is the single worst film I can recall watching. I know people toss that around a lot, but I mean it when I say it. I've seen a movie where Santa Clause battles Martians, I've seen a movie were two giant snakes fight each other, and I've seen a movie where the devil tried to stop Christmas, and none of them were as bad as Uwe Boll fucking up an already shitty video game. The man has tainted everything he's ever touched, but his first is still his worst. This movie is so bad that it's offensive. This man needs assassinated, just for the sake of credibility to man. Worst of all, he firmly believes his works are art. It would be like Ed Gein saying he was just trying to do some good in the world. The dialog is the best part though. I really can't even tell if it was written intentionally bad or not, as seen below:

Best line: "You did all this to become immortal. Why?" "To live forever!"

Dead & Breakfast (2004)

A group of friends, on their way to a wedding, get lost and stay at an inn. The innkeeper has a special box that can resurrect the dead, using an evil spirit. It can't really decide if it wants to be a zombie flick or a slasher flick or a comedy. Sometimes it's not any of those three, and it's just boring. Definitely the highlights are the interspersed scenes of the band Zacharia and the Lobos Riders, a creation of lead singer Zach Selwyn, occasional anchor on G4's Attack of the Show. It's folk/rock with witty lyrics, and they easily steal the show. Actually, his band is playing in a barn, and they even become zombies themselves. The movie itself has its humor, and the gore and action is actually well done, even feature my favorite horror cliché (started by Carrie and perfected with The Descent) of an enraged blond chick somehow being covered in a massive amount of blood and kicking ass.

Best line: "Had I known it was going to feel this good to bash your brains in, I would have done it a long time ago."

Undead (2003)

A fishing village in Australia is overrun by zombies, and an ex-fisherman who encountered a zombie fish a few years ago has stocked up and trained for the coming zombie invasion. This is a horror/comedy and one of the few that got it right. It's more action than Shaun of the Dead, but still funny as hell. You've got a lot of the mainstream zombie staples, like shotguns (triple barrel, actually), decapitations, panic room in the basement of someone who knew it was coming, and slow moving zombies. But this time around, you've got aliens and a halfway decent subplot. The dialog is subtle and witty and the ending is actually good (rare in a horror movie). It's definitely underrated and practically unknown, but well worth your money. Buy it.

Best line: "I'll fuckin' finish you off faster than a fuckin' birthday cake at a fat chick's fuckin' birthday party!"

Planet Terror (2007)

A biological gas is accidentally released turning a bunch of people into zombies. A group of people band together and try to stop them. This was half of the Grindhouse duo of movies released, this being Robert Rodriguez's answer to the 70's exploitation era, and was just as fun as I thought it would be. The special effects are top notch, the dialog is cheesy, and the characters are great. It's so over-the-top that it's a blast. Seriously. There's a lot of cameos, including Bruce Willis, since Rodriguez has a hell of a lot of friends. It's too bad that Grindhouse didn't do better at the box office, but that doesn't take away from the movie at all. It's a popcorn flick perfected, and that's all it was ever meant to be. It's probably the most fun I've had watching a movie in years. It's not brain fodder, so don't expect it to be.

Best line: "Tony, if anyone comes up to the car, I want you to shoot them. Just like in your video games: shoot them in the head." "What if it's dad?" "Especially if it's your dad."

January 19, 2009

I'm the monster. I'm the villain.

The problem with the Broadway musical turned film "Repo! The Genetic Opera"? Half the people going to see it are fans of its creators' other projects (as in "Saw") and the other half are going to see a cheesy old opera. But what they're seeing is both, and so most of them aren't happy. Even its own studio, Lionsgate, doesn't seem to like it. Apparently the final version is missing around twenty minutes of additional footage the directors were forced to cut. Lionsgate said this movie would have no audience, and refused to put up the money for a wide release. So the cast and crew (even Paris Hilton herself) went on a "tour" with the movie, playing it in a few big cities. Now, three of the 58 songs featured in the movie (yes, 58) are potential nominees for an Academy Award. The songs that could get nominated are "Zydrate Anatomy", "Chase the Morning", and "Chromaggia". I'm very unhappy with Lionsgate right now, whom I usually respect for making movies that aren't the usual shit most people are content with choking down everyday.

Every few years, I get this feeling about a movie that I see a trailer for, that I know is going to amaze me, and I obsess over it until I see it. About nine months ago, I saw the trailer for Repo! and knew I was going to love it. But because of Lionsgate, I wasn't able to even see it until the day before its release on DVD. It was well worth the wait. I'm actually glad I made the top 10 movie list of 2008 before having seen this, because it would have screwed the list up. It's completely different than my top favorites, but it's equally deserving of being considered a top film of last year. I really can't praise it enough. There are, of course, cons to all of the pros, but they're minimal.

It was made on only 8.5 mil, took years to get off of the ground, and got scenes cut, but in the end, the directors got the final say, and they wouldn't change one damn thing for the studio. It's their vision, untainted by the Hollywood corporation. I usually hate musicals, so I couldn't possibly be biased about this movie in any way. And it's a rated-R opera, starring Ogre from Skinny Puppy, Sarah Brightman, and Paris Hilton. Hell, that combination is all you need. Rent it tomorrow. Or buy it.

People in line at one of the "tour" theaters. No audience indeed:


January 12, 2009

Best 10 movies of 2008.

Yeah, a lot of sites do it. Top 10 list of the previous year. And a lot of sites suck. So, here's my list of the best 10 movies of last year, with trailers for each one just in case you don't know what the movie is all about. There's no sense in writing any kind of review for them. If I didn't like them, they wouldn't be on the list. A lot of people said movies in 2008 sucked, so I just felt the need to prove them wrong. Unfortunately I haven't seen 'The Reader,' 'Revolutionary Road,' 'Valkyrie, or 'Repo! The Genetic Opera' yet, so this list is as good as it gets. I did my best to put them in 1-10 order, but that's always debatable. It also doesn't mean the last few suck either. It's a top 10 list.

1. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2. The Dark Knight

3. Let the Right One In

4. The Fall

5. The Wrestler

6. Gran Torino

7. Slumdog Millionaire

8. Shotgun Stories

9. Forgetting Sarah Marshall

10. Cloverfield

That's the list. The top two could easily be switched back and forth. It's not important though. But what is important is that only one of those movies (The Dark Knight) was in the top 10 grossing movies of 2008. That means a lot of people are watching a lot of shitty movies. But now that I made a list for you to learn from, you can do a little better this year.

January 2, 2009

Between cages at a retard zoo.

Let me first start off by saying that the belief that on December 21, 2012 the world will end is a New Age belief, which really isn't very in tune with also believing in Christianity. There are actually just as many people, who believe in New Age, that think mankind will be "elevated to a higher level" on this date, instead of ending. Not that I care what that even means.

Here's another fact: despite the Mayan calendar ending on this date, it was never once written that it was the end of civilization. Did you realize that there are actually modern Maya communities in Guatemala? But then I guess they don't use calendars, since their old ones ran out of days, right?

In fact, there are multiple Mayan calendars, some even used today. One calendar had 260-days, one had 365, another had 52, and 20, and one was even 13-days long. Each was simply a cycle that repeated. They tracked Venus on a 584-day cycle. But most interesting of all was their calendar that was a total of 819-days, which repeated "sets of 9- and 13-day intervals associated with different groups of deities, animals and other significant concepts." A calendar associated with their own gods. And you people think they also predicted the end of the world? I don't think God would be too happy with you if he heard that.

Hell, here's how advanced they were. They never had anything comparable to a leap year. Why is this so significant? Because you're all relying so much on the Mayan mathematics for this date. Basically, "the Haab' (Maya version of the 365-day calendar) was crude and inaccurate, since it treated the year as having 365 days, and ignored the extra quarter day in the actual tropical year. This meant that the seasons moved with respect to the calendar year by a quarter day each year, so that the calendar months named after particular seasons no longer corresponded to these seasons after a few centuries."

Here's food for thought. Let's assume that they actually did make a prophecy about 2012 being the end. To this day, we are still not one hundred-percent sure how the Maya civilization was destroyed/destroyed itself. And that was in the past, which we can study. But you believe that people who had slaves, made human sacrifices, and probably destroyed themselves with corruption of power could see into the future almost a millenia, but not well enough to foresee their own downfall? Makes perfect sense.

2012 is bullshit. Please stop spewing it.

And boycott Roland Emmerich's next piece of shit movie. You're only encouraging other stupid people. This is the same man that brought you: Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla (1998), Stargate, and 10,000 BC. His movies are rooted completely in facts, right? I do love how 2012 practically claims it's true though. Do what Emmerich says, Google it. Two minutes later you'll realize he's full of shit. It's just Hollywood banking off your retardation and mass hysteria.
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