Here's my braless support.

This is not the "single, greatest, and most influential moment of my life." Sorry. Most people seem to have some kind of neurological condition that forces them to believe that any and every event that occurs in their lifetime is something spectacular compared to the last five billion years of Earth's history, and that these events will be remembered for years and years.

If an average American was assigned the task of writing a history book, chronologically describing America's past based upon their own knowledge, there would be very little in the book other than the happenings within their own lives. And that's why people think that anything notable that happens in their short, miserable lives eclipses every other event in history: they're too ignorant and apathetic to research and learn on their own. But, they do get to vote. Makes sense to me.

Happy Election Day, or whatever. I voted this year too. Well, I voted by not voting. See, I think Bush needs another four years. It's not that he deserves it or anything. He was just really onto something: peace through annihilation. He's such a horribly underrated man of our time. He just forgot a few hundred other countries. But he does still have a few months left in his term. Let's hope he doesn't get lazy in the home-stretch. This is no time to start slacking off. Let the bombs fall and don't forget to save a few for us.

Update: Obama won. I'll give it to him. He did a hell of a job. But guess how much Indiana helped him out? Here, I'll circle the state on the map in case you idiots don't remember where we're located:

Paris gets some fake advice.

I'd still fake vote for her...for real. If you don't think it'd be any less ridiculous than the kind of people we vote for every four years, then you also probably don't realize that you're the problem today.

Fuck these condescending assholes.

Politicians get paid even when they lie. But technically, actors get paid to lie. Technically.

I generally don't like to base my opinions and beliefs on Hollywood or any of its resident estranged, pretentious whores.

If you want to vote, then vote. If you don't, then don't.

Stop letting movie stars and musicians dictate what to think.

It's time to vote.

In recent news, this “shocking” picture of Jessica Alba in bondage has surfaced from declareyourself.com:



“The new mum posed with her mouth strapped up in bondage-style tape for the campaign, which was shot by celebrity photographer Mark Liddel.”

But, “Jessica wasn’t the only celeb to take part in the shoot – Christina Aguilera also took the opportunity to make a visual statement, by being shot with her mouth seemingly stitched up.”


Even Andre 3000 and La Toya Jackson are pictured with a bowtie in mouth and a spike through both lips, respectively.

I think I know what message they're trying to convey here. I think this presents a truth I wasn’t ready to believe, that we, as a nation, are ready for. I believe now is the time to stand up and make your voice heard. Stand with me and vote to silence celebrities. Go to declareyourself.com and support the squelching of Hollywood.

A hybrid of both.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

It's a slim chance I'm voting this year, or ever, but if I do then I'll be penciling in her name. Especially since she wrote it, said it all without cue cards, and, in the end, could do no worse.

Red party, blue party. You're such a tool.

Coddington in ’08.

I vow to make innovative changes with minimal effort or care. I plan to open up endless possibilities by doing very little, without concern or regard for your well-being. Taking into account the capacity of your feeble minds, allow me to explain my core issues with more detail:


Foreign policy

England: It's been, like, 500 years since we left England, and yet, here we are still living in its shadow. There are an awful lot of English-sounding towns like Oxford, Cambridge, and Manchester in America. Many major cities and states are also prefixed with 'New.' The town names will be renamed, and the cities and states will drop 'New' (i.e. 'New York' becomes 'York'). Furthermore, we will strike back at England and rename their towns with 'New,' thusly resulting in the formation of 'New America.' The common spoken language is also now called 'American.' New America will also be turned into a giant prison for American convicts, kinda like what old England used Australia for in the '50s or some shit.

France: After taking Paris by force using the Trojan Statue of Liberty and a metric fuckton of Navy SEALs, the flag of France will no longer be a blue, white, and red stripe, but simply a white piece of cloth.

Russia: Someone big will kick Putin in the cock, and Russia will eventually be forgotten and fade and die.

All other countries will no longer be drawn on world maps, which are all made in America, of course. Instead, the borders will no longer exist, and in the open space will be written 'undiscovered territory.'


Domestic policy

Considering you are reading this, then you must be mildly interested in electing me as president. And considering you are extremely interested in electing me as president, then you must trust me completely and fully to your capabilities. And by trusting me fully, then you no longer see any reason to have your own freewill or ability to think for yourself. Many 'unnecessary' freedoms will be revoked until further review (never).

Funding for any cure of any means will desist, and all research and advances in health care will be within pain relief. If you can't feel it, it's not there. Pills are good for you. There have been many steps in this direction over the last few decades. No need to back out now.

Education for children is a waste of precious resources. We have many factories that would make them much more useful. A twelve hour day still leaves twelve hours for them to pretend to be happy.

Beer will be served with kids' meals. American children have become weak and fragile. Diamonds are formed under extreme pressure and low temperatures. Not unlike a real man.

The word 'tax' will no longer exist. Instead, 'joyous patriotic gift' will replace it.

Imports will be a thing of the past. We will continue to export though, until the savages in the undiscovered countries no longer buy them with their offerings of oat, painted beads, and bags of rice. Then we will hunt and kill them, rape their women, and give them a holiday celebrating our friendship.

Unemployment and welfare will be demolished. If you can't work, you can't live.

History books are full of lies and very boring. They will be burned and rewritten to include spaceships, cybernetic organisms, and alien whores. The books will also be pop-outs.

Other issues

NASCAR will be a new Olympic sport. The only Olympic sport.

Pickles will no longer be cucumbers. Money will be invested in gene-splicing to create pickle trees.

Moon-shining will not only be legal, but encouraged. And awarded merits for excellence.

The urban dictionary will replace Webster's over-long run. Many words will be forgotten. Eventually even many parts of this list will become illegible, even for those not too dense to understand it now.


I'm not going to sum up the list in the conclusion, or state more reasons why you should vote for me. More than likely, you have already stopped reading because you are completely convinced by my massive intellect and decided to vote for me without needing to even finish. Coddington for President in '08.

Voting for dummies, part II: republicans.

So I’m back to give you a second dose of presidential seal, the kind you get to beat with clubs. But this time it’s the red party, lard-ass elephants called republicans. As I said before, this is a waste of time, because they don’t stand a chance again until 2016, when the democrats won’t stand a chance. But I’ll go through the motions and tear down the two most likely candidates for 2008.

John McCain

Alright, the first batter up this evening is Senator John McCain. This slugger son-of-a-bitch is a glass half-full-kinda fucker. His father and grandfather both served in the Navy, as admirals no less. So that meant John had a lot of catching up to do. But after serving in the Navy for 22 years, the douche only ever made it to a seat in the Senate. But like I said, it’s all in how you look at it: either be overshadowed by the harder, prouder accomplishments of his family, or share in their glory and bask in the glow of a name he doesn’t deserve, like when he says he “deeply values duty, honor and service of country” because of his father and grandfather. What a bitch.

So what does this lazy bastard think he has up his sleeve for 2008? How about: “lobbying and ethics reform?” No joke. “Those who serve in positions of public trust have a patriotic duty to serve the national interest with integrity and accountability, to conduct ourselves in a manner worthy of the people we are privileged to serve, and to devote ourselves to America's agenda, not that of narrow special interests.” That’s true, and I couldn’t have said it better. But coming from him, I’m not sure that it means the same thing that I would have intended. What I think he means is: “I’m not a liar like all of the rest. Trust me.” I just can’t believe this, because I know there are people out there eating up this shit each time he drops his pants and pinches one off, and they just stand there smiling with shit stains smeared on their faces, completely content in how it tastes, even though they know all too well that it’s shit they’re eating.

Of course, we also have the typical, mindless republican “issues” coming from this fucktard: staying in Iraq (and hoping for the best), border security (invading other countries and keeping people out of ours), veterans (yeah, we’ll see…), and definitely not surprising at all is his belief in “protecting second amendment rights.” In all honesty, I don’t give a fuck about this. I could go either way, but when it all comes down to it, I’m leaning towards McCain’s corner. I don’t hunt, I don’t need a gun to protect myself from criminals (or those scary terrorists), and if I’m going to put anything into a case, it’s not going to be a gun. If I put that kind of money down for a weapon, it’s plain and simple: someone is going to get shot. Just like promotions and hefty raises, some people just deserve it.

As I said before, all of the republicans are planning to lower taxes, and McCain has supposedly always fought for this, you think to yourself, until you stop reading his propaganda and venture outside of your little political bubble: “In 1998, McCain embraced former South Dakota Democratic Senator Tom Daschle’s motion to approve Big Tobacco’s Master Settlement Agreement, including a $1.10-per-pack cigarette-tax increase.”

Verdict: Just an average liar, but has a fetish for hollow points.

Rudolph Guiliani

Rudolph Guiliani, ex-mayor, governor, and senator, but also “for his efforts, he was named Person of the Year by Time magazine, knighted by the Queen of England, dubbed Rudy the Rock by French President Jaques Chirac, and former first lady Nancy Reagan presented him with the Ronald Reagan Presidential Freedom Award.” That’s one hell of a long title. But now it seems that he might be shooting for president too. Great, because he did a bang-up job with all of the rest, I’m sure he do just fine. After all, he’s the only person to benefit from 9/11 (other than Michael Moore).

It’s not completely definite that this dumbass is running, but then again, none of them are definite yet. And it’s not like it matters anyway, because he doesn’t stand a chance. But hypothetically if he did run, what would be the issues he would hypothetically believe in to make you hypothetically cast a hypothetically democratic vote? Lower taxes? Wow, that’s fucking original. Actually, all of the republicans are promising that this time around, and none of the democrats. But none of that shit matters anyway. Finally stupid Americans are realizing what lower taxes really mean. So they might actually comprehend it all now, and stop saying that they all lied to them.

Verdict: Rudolph the brown-nosed war profiteer.

And there you have it, five reasons not to vote in the next election. Of course, there are other potential candidates as well, but just like America's middle and lower classes, they don't fucking matter. If you’re wondering why there aren’t any green party candidates on here, then you’re a fucking dipshit. Yes, it’s possible to waste your vote even more than if you had voted red or blue, and you prove it every four years.

You know what’s sad though? If a truly honest politician actually came along one day, with every intention to do what they say, and believe in what they tell us, we would never fucking believe them. And when it all came down to it, the other, dishonest, candidate would probably win. Democracy at it’s finest. As for the verdict for the 2008 election and America’s future for the next four years: Completely fucked. See you at the poles. Oh, wait, I guess you won’t.

Voting for dummies, part I: democrats.

As promised, here are your reasons not to vote for the 2008 presidential elections. This is part one, three of the potential democrats, and part two will be the republicans. But I honestly shouldn’t even bother, because none of them stand a chance. You stupid bastards have bitched for six years now about how the republicans have fucked up the country, because you’ve apparently forgotten about how the democrats fucked it up the eight years before, and the republicans the eight before that. But it’s not like you dumbasses will even admit it. I know you see it, you just ignore it.

So here, let me start pointing it out for you, assholes. On here is one of the three people you’re going to vote for in 2008, and love for the first two years, then become unsure of in the third and forth, and then reelect for 2012 and bitch about it like it wasn’t your fault, for the four years following. But don’t worry, because for 2016 someone better will run, right?


Hilary Clinton

According to Mrs. Clinton’s official site, she is considered “a champion for women.” That’s one big, bold fucking claim, concerning a woman who feels complacent and accepting of infidelity. Is this really someone we should consider a leader of women’s rights? “Hillary will continue her lifelong fight to ensure that all Americans are treated with respect and dignity.” If you don’t respect yourself, how can you fight for the respect of others? You can’t.

She also plans to “strengthen” the middle class if elected. “No American will be invisible to the president of the United States.” That’s a hell of a lot of propaganda, which is to be expected before the election. But come on, are we really that fucking stupid? First of all, the working class will always be invisible. That’s what capitalism is. If you take away the lower and upper classes, what do you have? Communism. America is what it is because the middle class is invisible. So I’m not sure where she’s going with this. And second, technically she’s right about no one being invisible, that is, until she’s elected. She needs your votes. So there is a bit of truth to it.

Of course, we also can’t forget the stance on the war in Iraq. Just like the other two democrats on this list, she’s using the dissatisfaction with the current course of our “war on terror” to her advantage. In truth, none of them could give a fuck about what’s really going on or how we feel, but that doesn’t mean they can’t pretend. Maybe you just keep voting because you’re hoping for the day that what you think is lies will turn out to have at least a small bit of truth.

Verdict: A weak role model and loves a good ruse.


Barack Obama

A Kenyan goat herder. A man born into honest work can’t be another lying politician, can he? Well, he’s definitely got a lot of good shit on his side to say he isn’t: fighting against poverty for so many years and Darfur. But take a look at his issues. It might just be me, but if I didn’t know otherwise, I’d say he was a fucking republican in sheep’s clothing.

First, we have “Senator Obama has fought to strengthen America's position in the world... preventing the spread of weapons of mass destruction.” I think we’ve all had enough of American imperialism. But then I guess he knows that too, which is why, ironically enough, “before the war in Iraq ever started, Senator Obama said that it was wrong in its conception.” So which is it then? Is he actually just like Bush, but still needs our votes, or is he just a fucking moron?

“Barack Obama has been a leader in fighting for open and honest government.” Well, he’s off to a good fucking start. But what the hell does that mean anyway? It’s a complete contradiction in itself. I mean, is he planning on rising up and destroying the government from the inside and completely changing everything, or is he just the first politician to feed us a shovel-full of bullshit because it’s exactly what we want to hear? Neither. The real answer is: you’re fucking dense.

Verdict: A republican who wears a lot of blue.


John Edwards

All of the democratic issues are the exact same this time around, which isn’t surprising: withdrawing from Iraq, getting proper care for veterans, good health care and insurance, Darfur, global warming, and helping the middle class. John Edwards is no different. But one thing that stands out with him among the other douchebags is Edwards is “personally committed to the cause of poverty.” “Edwards has outlined an ambitious agenda to eliminate poverty within a generation.” What the fuck? Alright, this is somewhat similar to Hilary’s fight for the middle class, but this takes all of that to a whole new level. While I wasn’t completely sure of her intentions, Edwards comes right the fuck out and says it. If the guy’s not a socialist, then I guess I don’t know what socialism is. “Eliminate poverty?” It’s not even possible. And are there really people out there dumb enough to believe it is?

“Edwards will restore our energy independence by asking Americans to be patriotic about something other than war and building a new energy economy based on clean renewable energy and energy efficiency.” Holy shit. Wake the fuck up. Ninety-seven percent of Americans are too selfish to care about the future of this planet or what kind of world their children will live in. The other three percent are free-love, dope fiend hippies. Those are real statistics.

Of course, just like all of the rest, Edwards plans on pulling out troops in Iraq: 50,000 to 60,000 and then all of them within a year because “America's image overseas has been tarnished by the war in Iraq.” I’m sure something like this will really happen, because Americans would staple the president’s balls (and yes, I think Hilary has balls) to their desk in the Oval Office if they didn’t. But mark my words, it won’t be all. And if you think it’s the Iraq war that tarnished our name, then you don’t read American history.

Verdict: A dreamer who is completely fucking crazy.


So, since the republicans don't stand a motherfucking chance next time around, and these three are the more popular democrats, one of those pieces of shit are your next president. Good luck with that. There's a reason that their political icon is a jack-ass.

-Coming next: Part II: Republicans.