August 22, 2009

9 more movies in '09 you're too lazy to watch.

If you haven't read part one, go here, dummy. Despite there being some good, big budget shit at the box office this year (Star Trek), a lot of amazing shit is getting snubbed, because America is lazy. Even great, big budget movies like Watchmen are getting the cold shoulder. Why? Because you'd rather see G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra or some shit. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for popcorn flicks. But you have to have a little variety. I don't understand why girls don't understand that. Anyway, I forgot half of these listed when I made the last list, so I figured I'd make another.

Addendum: In part one, when mentioning all of the remakes and sequels this year, I left out The Last House on the Left, Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs, The Pink Panther 2, Ace Ventura Jr. Pet Detective, and Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, just for reference. Hollywood's inspiration has officially run as dry as Martha Stewart's snatch. I'm not against remakes or sequels (some made my list), but it's getting ridiculous. So, get off your ass and rent some good movies for a change. Stop supporting shit like Madea Goes to Jail, G-Force, and The Ugly Truth. Once again, best to not-so-best:

1. District 9

2. Eden Log

3. Hush

4. Adventureland

5. S. Darko

6. Still Waiting...

7. Donkey Punch

8. The Unborn

9. Laid to Rest

August 3, 2009

I am a fucked-up-chick magnet.

I wonder what it is that makes me attractive or seemingly interesting to fucked-up chicks with mental issues, fucked-up tattoos by user ex-boyfriends, and fucking batshit insane families with just as many problems. I would like to think that maybe their families are unstable and unbalanced because of their fucked-up daughters, but I have a feeling that it's practically genetic and goes all the way back through the lineage. Seriously, why does every girl that finds me attractive seem to have a broken fucking home? Or demented, society-rejected best friends? Or two or three jealous, psycho ex-boyfriends? Or, hell, girlfriends for that matter?

I went to the gas station late last night, the same one I always go to. More for convenience's sake than anything else. There's a decent looking girl that works there, but definitely nothing special. Somewhat white trash, too, which is a love/hate thing for me, much in the same sense as Fricker's. But I had no idea. She occasionally flirts, and anyone who knows me knows that I show so much interest when people try striking up conversations. So, with that in mind, we all know how white trash love it when you ignore them.

But it never fails that she always wants to talk. The other week I overheard her bitching to the other clerk about her boyfriend dumping her. So I tried to avoid her line, but the guy closed his on my way up there. Shit. I got up to the counter and she just stared, with a couple of tears running down her cheek. Aww, your boyfriend left your clingy, whiny ass behind? How sad. Stop crying, take my fucking money, and let me take my half-gallon of Monster and get the fuck out of here already. Do you and me a favor, stop sobbing hysterically, buy a hatchet, and go kill your new ex.

Anyway, last night I went in, got a salad and a Sobe Lifewater, which is basically sugar and water. I get up to the counter and she says, "Hey, babe. You know you can get another packet of salad dressing for free?" "Oh, yay," with all of the enthusiam I could muster. Then I made my first mistake, when I asked how she was. "Not good..." Fuck, now I have to ask why. "My house got broken into last night, while I was asleep." Instead of asking if she was alright, I said, "Did they take anything?" "$150 out of my purse." "Wow, crazy. You should get a gun," I said somewhat jokingly. "I would if I could, but I'm not allowed to." Oh, fuck, I knew it. What kind of fucked-up chick am I talking to and didn't realize? "I got a felony that comes off in 2011. Still on house arrest, but I get a work release."

Why does this always happen to me? Apparently I'm a fucked-up-chick magnet. Just something else I'm good at, I suppose.

When I got off work today, I had a plan. I bought a 12-pack of Corona with every intention of drinking them all tonight. That's when it hit me. I know what they see in me: their drunken step-dads right before they beat them. They just can't get enough.

August 1, 2009

9 movies in '09 you're too lazy to watch.

With a metric fuckton of movies out this year, like The Hangover, Star Trek, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Terminator Salvation, Halloween 2, Friday the 13th, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, My Bloody Valentine 3-D, Land of the Lost, The Taking of Pelham 123, Final Destination 4, Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and Fast & Furious, there's a lot of badass films getting missed by you lazy bastards. Your loss. Funny thing about that, too: only one of those movies (The Hangover) isn't a remake or a sequel. That's completely fucking sad. Here's nine movies so far this year that you've obviously missed, most being far better than some of the shit that's breaking records at the box office. So get off your lazy ass and watch some movies that Hollywood didn't have the pleasure of splooging their saturated, tainted, uncreative juices all over. Best to not-so-best:

1. Martyrs

2. Surveillance

3. Outlander

4. Dead Snow

5. All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

6. Deadgirl

7. The Uninvited

8. Night Train

9. The Girlfriend Experience

Some of these movies were made before 2009, but didn't officially get released until this year. Also keep in mind that trailers sometimes suck. For instance, Mandy Lane is not the typical slasher film that it looks like, and the ending has bigger balls than most movies do, post-Columbine that is. Oh, and yes, I know The Uninvited is an American remake of the Korean film Janghwa, Hongryeon. This is me not giving a fuck. Why? Because the original, aside from the superior acting, was fucking terrible. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's the worst Korean movie I've seen, which is around twenty or so now. So strike that up with Zach Snyder's Dawn of the Dead and Rob Zombie's Halloween as one of the only good remakes. Oh, and once I see the indie movie called Moon, I'm sure it'll be right there on top. But it didn't get a wide release, mainly because of shallow-minded fucks like you who'd rather see shit like Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Twilight, and Dance Flick.

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