July 31, 2007

Voting for dummies, part II: republicans.

So I’m back to give you a second dose of presidential seal, the kind you get to beat with clubs. But this time it’s the red party, lard-ass elephants called republicans. As I said before, this is a waste of time, because they don’t stand a chance again until 2016, when the democrats won’t stand a chance. But I’ll go through the motions and tear down the two most likely candidates for 2008.

John McCain

Alright, the first batter up this evening is Senator John McCain. This slugger son-of-a-bitch is a glass half-full-kinda fucker. His father and grandfather both served in the Navy, as admirals no less. So that meant John had a lot of catching up to do. But after serving in the Navy for 22 years, the douche only ever made it to a seat in the Senate. But like I said, it’s all in how you look at it: either be overshadowed by the harder, prouder accomplishments of his family, or share in their glory and bask in the glow of a name he doesn’t deserve, like when he says he deeply values duty, honor and service of country” because of his father and grandfather. What a bitch.

So what does this lazy bastard think he has up his sleeve for 2008? How about: “lobbying and ethics reform?” No joke. Those who serve in positions of public trust have a patriotic duty to serve the national interest with integrity and accountability, to conduct ourselves in a manner worthy of the people we are privileged to serve, and to devote ourselves to America's agenda, not that of narrow special interests.” That’s true, and I couldn’t have said it better. But coming from him, I’m not sure that it means the same thing that I would have intended. What I think he means is: “I’m not a liar like all of the rest. Trust me.” I just can’t believe this, because I know there are people out there eating up this shit each time he drops his pants and pinches one off, and they just stand there smiling with shit stains smeared on their faces, completely content in how it tastes, even though they know all too well that it’s shit they’re eating.

Of course, we also have the typical, mindless republican “issues” coming from this fucktard: staying in Iraq (and hoping for the best), border security (invading other countries and keeping people out of ours), veterans (yeah, we’ll see…), and definitely not surprising at all is his belief in “protecting second amendment rights.” In all honesty, I don’t give a fuck about this. I could go either way, but when it all comes down to it, I’m leaning towards McCain’s corner. I don’t hunt, I don’t need a gun to protect myself from criminals (or those scary terrorists), and if I’m going to put anything into a case, it’s not going to be a gun. If I put that kind of money down for a weapon, it’s plain and simple: someone is going to get shot. Just like promotions and hefty raises, some people just deserve it.

As I said before, all of the republicans are planning to lower taxes, and McCain has supposedly always fought for this, you think to yourself, until you stop reading his propaganda and venture outside of your little political bubble: “In 1998, McCain embraced former South Dakota Democratic Senator Tom Daschle’s motion to approve Big Tobacco’s Master Settlement Agreement, including a $1.10-per-pack cigarette-tax increase.”

Verdict: Just an average liar, but has a fetish for hollow points.


Rudolph Guiliani

Rudolph Guiliani, ex-mayor, governor, and senator, but also “for his efforts, he was named Person of the Year by Time magazine, knighted by the Queen of England, dubbed Rudy the Rock by French President Jaques Chirac, and former first lady Nancy Reagan presented him with the Ronald Reagan Presidential Freedom Award.” That’s one hell of a long title. But now it seems that he might be shooting for president too. Great, because he did a bang-up job with all of the rest, I’m sure he do just fine. After all, he’s the only person to benefit from 9/11 (other than Michael Moore).

It’s not completely definite that this dumbass is running, but then again, none of them are definite yet. And it’s not like it matters anyway, because he doesn’t stand a chance. But hypothetically if he did run, what would be the issues he would hypothetically believe in to make you hypothetically cast a hypothetically democratic vote? Lower taxes? Wow, that’s fucking original. Actually, all of the republicans are promising that this time around, and none of the democrats. But none of that shit matters anyway. Finally stupid Americans are realizing what lower taxes really mean. So they might actually comprehend it all now, and stop saying that they all lied to them.

Verdict: Rudolph the brown-nosed war profiteer.

And there you have it, five reasons not to vote in the next election. Of course, there are other potential candidates as well, but just like America's middle and lower classes, they don't fucking matter. If you’re wondering why there aren’t any green party candidates on here, then you’re a fucking dipshit. Yes, it’s possible to waste your vote even more than if you had voted red or blue, and you prove it every four years.

You know what’s sad though? If a truly honest politician actually came along one day, with every intention to do what they say, and believe in what they tell us, we would never fucking believe them. And when it all came down to it, the other, dishonest, candidate would probably win. Democracy at it’s finest. As for the verdict for the 2008 election and America’s future for the next four years: Completely fucked. See you at the poles. Oh, wait, I guess you won’t.

July 28, 2007

Voting for dummies, part I: democrats.

As promised, here are your reasons not to vote for the 2008 presidential elections. This is part one, three of the potential democrats, and part two will be the republicans. But I honestly shouldn’t even bother, because none of them stand a chance. You stupid bastards have bitched for six years now about how the republicans have fucked up the country, because you’ve apparently forgotten about how the democrats fucked it up the eight years before, and the republicans the eight before that. But it’s not like you dumbasses will even admit it. I know you see it, you just ignore it.

So here, let me start pointing it out for you, assholes. On here is one of the three people you’re going to vote for in 2008, and love for the first two years, then become unsure of in the third and forth, and then reelect for 2012 and bitch about it like it wasn’t your fault, for the four years following. But don’t worry, because for 2016 someone better will run, right?


Hilary Clinton

According to Mrs. Clinton’s official site, she is considered “a champion for women.” That’s one big, bold fucking claim, concerning a woman who feels complacent and accepting of infidelity. Is this really someone we should consider a leader of women’s rights? “Hillary will continue her lifelong fight to ensure that all Americans are treated with respect and dignity.” If you don’t respect yourself, how can you fight for the respect of others? You can’t.

She also plans to
“strengthen” the middle class if elected. “No American will be invisible to the president of the United States.” That’s a hell of a lot of propaganda, which is to be expected before the election. But come on, are we really that fucking stupid? First of all, the working class will always be invisible. That’s what capitalism is. If you take away the lower and upper classes, what do you have? Communism. America is what it is because the middle class is invisible. So I’m not sure where she’s going with this. And second, technically she’s right about no one being invisible, that is, until she’s elected. She needs your votes. So there is a bit of truth to it.

Of course, we also can’t forget the stance on the war in Iraq. Just like the other two democrats on this list, she’s using the dissatisfaction with the current course of our
“war on terror” to her advantage. In truth, none of them could give a fuck about what’s really going on or how we feel, but that doesn’t mean they can’t pretend. Maybe you just keep voting because you’re hoping for the day that what you think is lies will turn out to have at least a small bit of truth.

Verdict: A weak role model and loves a good ruse.


Barack Obama

A Kenyan goat herder. A man born into honest work can’t be another lying politician, can he? Well, he’s definitely got a lot of good shit on his side to say he isn’t: fighting against poverty for so many years and Darfur. But take a look at his issues. It might just be me, but if I didn’t know otherwise, I’d say he was a fucking republican in sheep’s clothing.

First, we have
“Senator Obama has fought to strengthen America's position in the world... preventing the spread of weapons of mass destruction.” I think we’ve all had enough of American imperialism. But then I guess he knows that too, which is why, ironically enough, “before the war in Iraq ever started, Senator Obama said that it was wrong in its conception.” So which is it then? Is he actually just like Bush, but still needs our votes, or is he just a fucking moron?

Barack Obama has been a leader in fighting for open and honest government.” Well, he’s off to a good fucking start. But what the hell does that mean anyway? It’s a complete contradiction in itself. I mean, is he planning on rising up and destroying the government from the inside and completely changing everything, or is he just the first politician to feed us a shovel-full of bullshit because it’s exactly what we want to hear? Neither. The real answer is: you’re fucking dense.

Verdict: A republican who wears a lot of blue.


John Edwards

All of the democratic issues are the exact same this time around, which isn’t surprising: withdrawing from Iraq, getting proper care for veterans, good health care and insurance, Darfur, global warming, and helping the middle class. John Edwards is no different. But one thing that stands out with him among the other douchebags is Edwards is “personally committed to the cause of poverty.” “Edwards has outlined an ambitious agenda to eliminate poverty within a generation.” What the fuck? Alright, this is somewhat similar to Hilary’s fight for the middle class, but this takes all of that to a whole new level. While I wasn’t completely sure of her intentions, Edwards comes right the fuck out and says it. If the guy’s not a socialist, then I guess I don’t know what socialism is. “Eliminate poverty?” It’s not even possible. And are there really people out there dumb enough to believe it is?

“Edwards will restore our energy independence by asking Americans to be patriotic about something other than war and building a new energy economy based on clean renewable energy and energy efficiency.” Holy shit. Wake the fuck up. Ninety-seven percent of Americans are too selfish to care about the future of this planet or what kind of world their children will live in. The other three percent are free-love, dope fiend hippies. Those are real statistics.

Of course, just like all of the rest, Edwards plans on pulling out troops in Iraq: 50,000 to 60,000 and then all of them within a year because
“America's image overseas has been tarnished by the war in Iraq.” I’m sure something like this will really happen, because Americans would staple the president’s balls (and yes, I think Hilary has balls) to their desk in the Oval Office if they didn’t. But mark my words, it won’t be all. And if you think it’s the Iraq war that tarnished our name, then you don’t read American history.

Verdict: A dreamer who is completely fucking crazy.


So, since the republicans don't stand a motherfucking chance next time around, and these three are the more popular democrats, one of those pieces of shit are your next president. Good luck with that. There's a reason that their political icon is a jack-ass.

-Coming next: Part II: Republicans.

July 7, 2007

What's in a name?

I was recently sent a link by “The Beardman” to a report on a couple, Pat and Sheena Wheaton, from New Zealand, who wanted to name their newborn “4real.” The country denied the couple the name, and said that they wouldn’t allow it because of the use of a digit beginning the name.

"For most of us, when we try to figure out what our names mean, we have to look it up in a babies book and ... there's no direct link between the meaning and the name," Pat Wheaton told TV One. "With this name, everyone knows what it means." Of course it does, shit-for-brains. Now everyone knows that there’s two people in New Zealand that should be dragged into the street and flogged by big fucking clubs with bent, rusty nails.

New Zealand law states that all children must be registered with the Births, Deaths and Marriages registry within two months of the birth, and if no compromise has been reached by July 9th, the baby’s name will be registered as "real." God, I fucking hope so. So, speaking of “real,” here’s a real list of names given to kids in America within the last few years:

Stalin (bet that kid gets beat the fuck up a lot)
Infinite (stupidity, not choices)
Stallone
Godly (his parents are going to Hell, most definitely)
Truth
Hey (that's right, cut through the b.s. and make a greeting their name)
Abyss (means hollow or empty, great celebrity name)
Dwarf
Charm
Dweezil (same as Stalin, only for the rest of his life)
Sunshine
Confession
As-Matik (oh, that’s fucking clever)
Chevette
Sparkle
Unique (many cases for boys and girls, ironically enough)
Virgin ($10 says she’s the first to lose it in her class)
Prince (so now there’s two girls with this name)
ZC
Chaos (you stupid fucking goths)
Sin
Moon Unit
Tall
Choice (maybe her parents should have been Pro-Choice)
Beautiphul
Boat (at least it wasn’t Whale)
Albert (a girl named Albert, sexy)
Galaxy
Satan (that's fucking original...)
Nada
Final
Destiny (probably going fucking nowhere)
Latrina (“Yeah, it used to be shithouse.” “Good change, it’s a good change.”)
Aquanetta
Velshita (cheese commentary)
Beeger
NyQuell (good beverage, not a good name)
Cocaine
Skeeter Head
Bestiality (holy fuck...)
Q-bert
Rosie Thorn (aka High-Maintenance Bitch)
Bridge (everyone’s been on top of her once or twice)
Hitler (I take back Stalin and Dweezil, this kid will live a very short life)
Jihad (seriously has to suck right now...)
Random

Not to mention the stories spread around about kids being named things like Clamidia, Syphillis, Gonorrhea, Urine, and Vagina. There is even one case in New York of a Knight Sir Lancelot. Yeah, 4real.

And of course the infamous celebrity kids’ names like: Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow), Speck (John Mellencamp), Phinnaeus (Julia Roberts), Kal-El (yes, Nic Cage named his kid fucking Superman), Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee), Audio Science (Shannyn Sossamon), Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson), and the greatest one of all...Bono’s son, Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q. I swear to fucking God I didn’t make that up.

The future of our nation sure does look bright, doesn’t it? How does Senator Skeeter Head sound, or President Moon Unit? Or how about July’s Playboy pin-up, Albert? It sounds fucking awesome. I’m a bit partial to Velshita though. That one’s very classy.


-Coming next: I’ll give you some reasons not to vote in the next presidential election (here’s a hint: all of the reasons are people’s names).
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