September 9, 2008

Let me report the news tonight.

Evil knows no bounds.

Apparently in Sugar Hill, New Hampshire an old woman, who probably shouldn’t have been driving in the first place, wrecked her car, setting the hag’s vehicle on fire. As if this wasn’t enough, two men violently pulled her frightened body out and attempted to car-jack the old broad with a razorblade. Luckily the car exploded in a great pyre before they were able to take it to use for their drug trafficking or armed robbery or whatever they were planning to do with it. At least, that’s what I got from it when I skimmed through it. I didn’t actually read it, but the title said it all. See for yourself:

Ugly baby gets a new home.

In North Bay Village, Florida a “horrid” baby was found in the bushes. Apparently the ugly wretch was justifiably hideous enough for the mother to give her spawn away to the shrubs. The police officers and child service representatives were so appalled by its features that they left it in the bushes and thanked the mother for her effort. The full story’s found here:

I’ve never seen anyone move that fast.

In Milwaukee firefighter Lt. Ron Firnrohr (or Fenrir for short) dodged multiple bullets on a routine call for a fender-bender. “This shit ain’t nothing new, “ admitted Fenrir, “comes with the job.” Statistics prove that most fender-benders in Milwaukee end in epic gunfights and firefighters have become so accustomed to dodging them that “when the time comes, they won’t have to.” See for yourself:

Defeat is something hard to admit.

In New York Melody Gardot has given up on trying to walk, blaming an accident she had when she was 19. Instead of reaching for the stars, which are a few feet farther away from her now, she has decided Plan B ain’t so bad. Using the notoriety of her less-able-ness, Melody (makes sense) figures a singing career is pretty safe, especially considering the gimmick of always wearing sunglasses and that most accidents don’t destroy your voice. Legs can really only take you so far. But a good song lasts 3 or 4 minutes. The quitter’s tale is told here:

Well, that’s all I skimmed through tonight. The world sure is fucked up.

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