August 12, 2008

Coddington in ’08.

I vow to make innovative changes with minimal effort or care. I plan to open up endless possibilities by doing very little, without concern or regard for your well-being. Taking into account the capacity of your feeble minds, allow me to explain my core issues with more detail:

Foreign policy

England: It's been, like, 500 years since we left England, and yet, here we are still living in its shadow. There are an awful lot of English-sounding towns like Oxford, Cambridge, and Manchester in America. Many major cities and states are also prefixed with 'New.' The town names will be renamed, and the cities and states will drop 'New' (i.e. 'New York' becomes 'York'). Furthermore, we will strike back at England and rename their towns with 'New,' thusly resulting in the formation of 'New America.' The common spoken language is also now called 'American.' New America will also be turned into a giant prison for American convicts, kinda like what old England used Australia for in the '50s or some shit.

France: After taking Paris by force using the Trojan Statue of Liberty and a metric fuckton of Navy SEALs, the flag of France will no longer be a blue, white, and red stripe, but simply a white piece of cloth.

Russia: Someone big will kick Putin in the cock, and Russia will eventually be forgotten and fade and die.

All other countries will no longer be drawn on world maps, which are all made in America, of course. Instead, the borders will no longer exist, and in the open space will be written 'undiscovered territory.'

Domestic policy

Considering you are reading this, then you must be mildly interested in electing me as president. And considering you are extremely interested in electing me as president, then you must trust me completely and fully to your capabilities. And by trusting me fully, then you no longer see any reason to have your own freewill or ability to think for yourself. Many 'unnecessary' freedoms will be revoked until further review (never).

Funding for any cure of any means will desist, and all research and advances in health care will be within pain relief. If you can't feel it, it's not there. Pills are good for you. There have been many steps in this direction over the last few decades. No need to back out now.

Education for children is a waste of precious resources. We have many factories that would make them much more useful. A twelve hour day still leaves twelve hours for them to pretend to be happy.

Beer will be served with kids' meals. American children have become weak and fragile. Diamonds are formed under extreme pressure and low temperatures. Not unlike a real man.

The word 'tax' will no longer exist. Instead, 'joyous patriotic gift' will replace it.

Imports will be a thing of the past. We will continue to export though, until the savages in the undiscovered countries no longer buy them with their offerings of oat, painted beads, and bags of rice. Then we will hunt and kill them, rape their women, and give them a holiday celebrating our friendship.

Unemployment and welfare will be demolished. If you can't work, you can't live.

History books are full of lies and very boring. They will be burned and rewritten to include spaceships, cybernetic organisms, and alien whores. The books will also be pop-outs.

Other issues

NASCAR will be a new Olympic sport. The only Olympic sport.

Pickles will no longer be cucumbers. Money will be invested in gene-splicing to create pickle trees.

Moon-shining will not only be legal, but encouraged. And awarded merits for excellence.

The urban dictionary will replace Webster's over-long run. Many words will be forgotten. Eventually even many parts of this list will become illegible, even for those not too dense to understand it now.

I'm not going to sum up the list in the conclusion, or state more reasons why you should vote for me. More than likely, you have already stopped reading because you are completely convinced by my massive intellect and decided to vote for me without needing to even finish. Coddington for President in '08.

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