July 28, 2007

Voting for dummies, part I: democrats.

As promised, here are your reasons not to vote for the 2008 presidential elections. This is part one, three of the potential democrats, and part two will be the republicans. But I honestly shouldn’t even bother, because none of them stand a chance. You stupid bastards have bitched for six years now about how the republicans have fucked up the country, because you’ve apparently forgotten about how the democrats fucked it up the eight years before, and the republicans the eight before that. But it’s not like you dumbasses will even admit it. I know you see it, you just ignore it.

So here, let me start pointing it out for you, assholes. On here is one of the three people you’re going to vote for in 2008, and love for the first two years, then become unsure of in the third and forth, and then reelect for 2012 and bitch about it like it wasn’t your fault, for the four years following. But don’t worry, because for 2016 someone better will run, right?

Hilary Clinton

According to Mrs. Clinton’s official site, she is considered “a champion for women.” That’s one big, bold fucking claim, concerning a woman who feels complacent and accepting of infidelity. Is this really someone we should consider a leader of women’s rights? “Hillary will continue her lifelong fight to ensure that all Americans are treated with respect and dignity.” If you don’t respect yourself, how can you fight for the respect of others? You can’t.

She also plans to
“strengthen” the middle class if elected. “No American will be invisible to the president of the United States.” That’s a hell of a lot of propaganda, which is to be expected before the election. But come on, are we really that fucking stupid? First of all, the working class will always be invisible. That’s what capitalism is. If you take away the lower and upper classes, what do you have? Communism. America is what it is because the middle class is invisible. So I’m not sure where she’s going with this. And second, technically she’s right about no one being invisible, that is, until she’s elected. She needs your votes. So there is a bit of truth to it.

Of course, we also can’t forget the stance on the war in Iraq. Just like the other two democrats on this list, she’s using the dissatisfaction with the current course of our
“war on terror” to her advantage. In truth, none of them could give a fuck about what’s really going on or how we feel, but that doesn’t mean they can’t pretend. Maybe you just keep voting because you’re hoping for the day that what you think is lies will turn out to have at least a small bit of truth.

Verdict: A weak role model and loves a good ruse.

Barack Obama

A Kenyan goat herder. A man born into honest work can’t be another lying politician, can he? Well, he’s definitely got a lot of good shit on his side to say he isn’t: fighting against poverty for so many years and Darfur. But take a look at his issues. It might just be me, but if I didn’t know otherwise, I’d say he was a fucking republican in sheep’s clothing.

First, we have
“Senator Obama has fought to strengthen America's position in the world... preventing the spread of weapons of mass destruction.” I think we’ve all had enough of American imperialism. But then I guess he knows that too, which is why, ironically enough, “before the war in Iraq ever started, Senator Obama said that it was wrong in its conception.” So which is it then? Is he actually just like Bush, but still needs our votes, or is he just a fucking moron?

Barack Obama has been a leader in fighting for open and honest government.” Well, he’s off to a good fucking start. But what the hell does that mean anyway? It’s a complete contradiction in itself. I mean, is he planning on rising up and destroying the government from the inside and completely changing everything, or is he just the first politician to feed us a shovel-full of bullshit because it’s exactly what we want to hear? Neither. The real answer is: you’re fucking dense.

Verdict: A republican who wears a lot of blue.

John Edwards

All of the democratic issues are the exact same this time around, which isn’t surprising: withdrawing from Iraq, getting proper care for veterans, good health care and insurance, Darfur, global warming, and helping the middle class. John Edwards is no different. But one thing that stands out with him among the other douchebags is Edwards is “personally committed to the cause of poverty.” “Edwards has outlined an ambitious agenda to eliminate poverty within a generation.” What the fuck? Alright, this is somewhat similar to Hilary’s fight for the middle class, but this takes all of that to a whole new level. While I wasn’t completely sure of her intentions, Edwards comes right the fuck out and says it. If the guy’s not a socialist, then I guess I don’t know what socialism is. “Eliminate poverty?” It’s not even possible. And are there really people out there dumb enough to believe it is?

“Edwards will restore our energy independence by asking Americans to be patriotic about something other than war and building a new energy economy based on clean renewable energy and energy efficiency.” Holy shit. Wake the fuck up. Ninety-seven percent of Americans are too selfish to care about the future of this planet or what kind of world their children will live in. The other three percent are free-love, dope fiend hippies. Those are real statistics.

Of course, just like all of the rest, Edwards plans on pulling out troops in Iraq: 50,000 to 60,000 and then all of them within a year because
“America's image overseas has been tarnished by the war in Iraq.” I’m sure something like this will really happen, because Americans would staple the president’s balls (and yes, I think Hilary has balls) to their desk in the Oval Office if they didn’t. But mark my words, it won’t be all. And if you think it’s the Iraq war that tarnished our name, then you don’t read American history.

Verdict: A dreamer who is completely fucking crazy.

So, since the republicans don't stand a motherfucking chance next time around, and these three are the more popular democrats, one of those pieces of shit are your next president. Good luck with that. There's a reason that their political icon is a jack-ass.

-Coming next: Part II: Republicans.

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