Voting for dummies, part II: republicans.

So I’m back to give you a second dose of presidential seal, the kind you get to beat with clubs. But this time it’s the red party, lard-ass elephants called republicans. As I said before, this is a waste of time, because they don’t stand a chance again until 2016, when the democrats won’t stand a chance. But I’ll go through the motions and tear down the two most likely candidates for 2008.

John McCain

Alright, the first batter up this evening is Senator John McCain. This slugger son-of-a-bitch is a glass half-full-kinda fucker. His father and grandfather both served in the Navy, as admirals no less. So that meant John had a lot of catching up to do. But after serving in the Navy for 22 years, the douche only ever made it to a seat in the Senate. But like I said, it’s all in how you look at it: either be overshadowed by the harder, prouder accomplishments of his family, or share in their glory and bask in the glow of a name he doesn’t deserve, like when he says he “deeply values duty, honor and service of country” because of his father and grandfather. What a bitch.

So what does this lazy bastard think he has up his sleeve for 2008? How about: “lobbying and ethics reform?” No joke. “Those who serve in positions of public trust have a patriotic duty to serve the national interest with integrity and accountability, to conduct ourselves in a manner worthy of the people we are privileged to serve, and to devote ourselves to America's agenda, not that of narrow special interests.” That’s true, and I couldn’t have said it better. But coming from him, I’m not sure that it means the same thing that I would have intended. What I think he means is: “I’m not a liar like all of the rest. Trust me.” I just can’t believe this, because I know there are people out there eating up this shit each time he drops his pants and pinches one off, and they just stand there smiling with shit stains smeared on their faces, completely content in how it tastes, even though they know all too well that it’s shit they’re eating.

Of course, we also have the typical, mindless republican “issues” coming from this fucktard: staying in Iraq (and hoping for the best), border security (invading other countries and keeping people out of ours), veterans (yeah, we’ll see…), and definitely not surprising at all is his belief in “protecting second amendment rights.” In all honesty, I don’t give a fuck about this. I could go either way, but when it all comes down to it, I’m leaning towards McCain’s corner. I don’t hunt, I don’t need a gun to protect myself from criminals (or those scary terrorists), and if I’m going to put anything into a case, it’s not going to be a gun. If I put that kind of money down for a weapon, it’s plain and simple: someone is going to get shot. Just like promotions and hefty raises, some people just deserve it.

As I said before, all of the republicans are planning to lower taxes, and McCain has supposedly always fought for this, you think to yourself, until you stop reading his propaganda and venture outside of your little political bubble: “In 1998, McCain embraced former South Dakota Democratic Senator Tom Daschle’s motion to approve Big Tobacco’s Master Settlement Agreement, including a $1.10-per-pack cigarette-tax increase.”

Verdict: Just an average liar, but has a fetish for hollow points.

Rudolph Guiliani

Rudolph Guiliani, ex-mayor, governor, and senator, but also “for his efforts, he was named Person of the Year by Time magazine, knighted by the Queen of England, dubbed Rudy the Rock by French President Jaques Chirac, and former first lady Nancy Reagan presented him with the Ronald Reagan Presidential Freedom Award.” That’s one hell of a long title. But now it seems that he might be shooting for president too. Great, because he did a bang-up job with all of the rest, I’m sure he do just fine. After all, he’s the only person to benefit from 9/11 (other than Michael Moore).

It’s not completely definite that this dumbass is running, but then again, none of them are definite yet. And it’s not like it matters anyway, because he doesn’t stand a chance. But hypothetically if he did run, what would be the issues he would hypothetically believe in to make you hypothetically cast a hypothetically democratic vote? Lower taxes? Wow, that’s fucking original. Actually, all of the republicans are promising that this time around, and none of the democrats. But none of that shit matters anyway. Finally stupid Americans are realizing what lower taxes really mean. So they might actually comprehend it all now, and stop saying that they all lied to them.

Verdict: Rudolph the brown-nosed war profiteer.

And there you have it, five reasons not to vote in the next election. Of course, there are other potential candidates as well, but just like America's middle and lower classes, they don't fucking matter. If you’re wondering why there aren’t any green party candidates on here, then you’re a fucking dipshit. Yes, it’s possible to waste your vote even more than if you had voted red or blue, and you prove it every four years.

You know what’s sad though? If a truly honest politician actually came along one day, with every intention to do what they say, and believe in what they tell us, we would never fucking believe them. And when it all came down to it, the other, dishonest, candidate would probably win. Democracy at it’s finest. As for the verdict for the 2008 election and America’s future for the next four years: Completely fucked. See you at the poles. Oh, wait, I guess you won’t.