May 24, 2007

A guide to modern American culture, part I.

The first part of this guide features four easy tips to be more American. Maybe you’re not American enough, and need a little help getting there. Then this guide is for you:

1. If You Run Out of Food, Just Eat Your Own Fat Ass

On the topic of obesity, Wikipedia says, “In its simplest conception, obesity is only made possible when the lifetime energy intake exceeds lifetime energy expenditure by more than it does for individuals of ‘normal weight’.”
Basically what that means is stopping fucking eating. When you feel yourself getting full, you’re body isn’t making a suggestion. It’s telling your fat fucking ass to close your fat fucking mouth. Going on a binge isn’t like a running a marathon, except for the fact that it’s just plain stupid. But it’s not a challenge. If you think it’s some kind of fun competition or feat you can prove to your dumbass friends, well, then 127 million other Americans are doing it too. You’re not original, and you’re not badass, you’re just fucking stupid and leave a slight taste of vomit in the mouths of people around you. Put down the fucking porkchop and take a breath. Overweight men and women should know their damn boundaries. That means showing any inch of skin except your hands, face, and three necks is unacceptable. I hope the next fat bitch in a bikini gets diabetes.

2. If Shit Gets Hard, Just Quit

The United States has a divorce rate of 50% for first-time marriages and even higher for second and third. If that’s not pathetic enough, the United States has the highest divorce rate in the entire world, even almost doubling the second, Mexico. Only Americans could fuck up something as sacred as marriage, which is predated before recorded history. Probably the most interesting is the statistics based on women filing for divorce instead of men. According to the American Law and Economics Review, “Women currently file slightly more than two-thirds of divorce cases in the US,” and “Evidence is given that among college-educated couples, the divorce filing rate by women approaches 90%.”
Ninety fucking percent? What could cause a twenty-something woman to come to that point? Well, this is what Rebekah Hass, a writer for Associated Content and a woman, has to say about it:

“I believe lack of commitment is the major American reason for getting divorced. Couples of past generations seem to have understood commitment so much better. I am always amazed when I read the stories of World War II brides who married after knowing their fiancée for only a few days, weeks, or months-then went on to spend fifty or more years together. It couldn't have all been a ‘bed of roses.’ These couples understood commitment."

The dictionary defines commitment as: “The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons.” Rebekah also states that another reason for divorce by lazy fucking Americans is "an inability to work through difficulties. When the going gets tough, Americans tend to quit. It is easier to just walk away than to work through the problems." With so many divorces, and multiple divorces as well, what kind of effect is that having on children and teenagers? Showing a lack of interest in solving problems and keeping promises surely carries over to the youth. Not only that, it makes people believe love is something it’s not, and that it's not worth working for. So why do Americans misinterpret love and what it really means?

"Unfortunately, Americans base their views on what love is primarily from what they see in the movies or on television, or read in a novel. Love according to these sources is that special, heart-throbbing feeling that you get from just seeing someone or hearing their voice. Almost every couple will experience these feelings, especially when they are first dating. For many U.S. couples, when the ‘feelings’ fade away and the reality of actually living with and being committed to someone with all their faults and failures sinks in, that's when the marriage dies. The individuals move on to the next ‘exciting’ person who comes along, until they ‘feel’ like they are ‘in love’ again."

Update 05/27/07: Here's some more information to help tie this all together. According to Marriages, Families & Intimate Relationships, "Married adults now divorce two-and-a-half times as often as adults did 20 years ago and four times as often as they did 50 years ago," and "Perhaps 25% of children ages 16 and under live with a stepparent." The main purpose of this second section was to point out not only how fake Americans are when it comes to emotions, but to also show how this destroys families. Face it, family life in America is a joke. No, it's not a silly little punch line. It's actually fucking pathetic. Americans are spoiled, selfish, pretentious, artificial assholes. Then again, maybe the fact that our country is embarrassing to the rest of the world isn't actually our own fault. Maybe it's karma, and we just fucking deserve it.

3. The Pill-Popping Placebo Effect

This one's for the junkies. And by junkies, I mean your minivan-driving soccermom, your grouchy, senile grandpa, and your fake-ass high school guidance counselor. These are the people that buy opium and the chronic off commercials. And fuck me, is there a lot of commercials. Hey, your T.V. has never lied to you, right? You dim fucks believe every little thing that you read in books and hear from doctors. They tell you what you want to hear and you give them the money they want to have. Medicine = Business, you stupid bastards. There is no such thing as non-profit in America. It's because of a little thing called capitalism. Doctors, surgeons, nurses, dentists, therapists, they're all there for a fucking paycheck. You know that sweet, old lady who offers you a lollipop while you wait for the doctor? She's just passing the time until payday. Is that wrong? Fuck no. But does that make your hospital any less of a corporation? Once again, no.

Everyone seems to have a fucking disorder today: ADD, bipolar, depression, insomnia, anxiety, impotence. The only pills I don't see are probably the only ones they need. Will they ever try to cure naivety? Probably not, they'll just stick to depressants like Lunesta, Ambien, and Valium; antidepressants like Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, and Zyban; and cock pills like Viagra, Levitra, and Enzyte (eat shit, Bob). Of course, we can’t forget the be-all, end-all Ritalin,
which no child should be without, because before video games and T.V. children never acted like that. You gullible fucks are all so doped up with bottled happiness and joy tablets that you don't know what's real and what's not anymore. Welcome to 1984, assholes.

Some other commercials I'm getting sick of seeing are these fucking herpes pills, like Valtrex. I can see how this is needed though, since the U.S. is full of so many stupid whores. I also wonder if this relates to the divorce statistics and lack of commitment in some way. I'm sure there are some that fit into both categories, so it's too bad you never understood commitment because now that virus is definitely committed to you. I’m also tired of these speed junkies and their diet pills, like Zantrex 3. “Yes!” You fat fucks will never be runway models, just obese, pathetic junkies.

4. Pumping Gas and Kicking Ass

Alright, the 15th came and went. I’m not a big conspiracy nut and part of me didn’t really think it would change much. But I didn’t fill up, trying to do my part. A few days later and the price skyrockets another thirty cents, bringing the local price to around $3.49-$3.59, and the Indiana average to $3.39, the highest average for Indiana ever recorded. That’s an awfully suspicious coincidence, or not. Regardless, this is bullshit. I never join in when people bitch and moan about gas going up three, seven, or ten cents. I don’t talk about the weather, or the news, and I don’t talk about saving nineteen cents by driving to the other side of town. But when a gallon is pushing four dollars, I start thinking of things that would probably get me in a shitload of trouble.

I’ve thought about it, and I’ve come up with a new thing to try. Statistics proved big oil wouldn’t and didn’t lose much at all on the 15th. So instead of no one in the United States pumping gas on one day, how about everyone in the United States pumping a full tank of gas and not paying? Imagine it, the whole nation doing a “pump and run.” The police couldn’t arrest us all. And while not giving them business for a day seems like it would work, stealing gas from them would hurt them much worse and it would make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that I did such a noble thing. I can see the headlines:
“Pump and Run: A Nation United" and this could be the picture on the front:

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