May 21, 2007

Darwin was a dumbass.

Don’t get me wrong. He had some things going for him. His long beard was badass, and I mean Hell’s Angels badass. He also created jobs. I’ll bet you never thought of that one before. Where would scientists be without Darwin? Fucking nowhere, that’s where. Darwin was building a bigass rocket while the rest of those dumb motherfuckers were still chiseling out a wheel. If it wasn’t for Darwin, the “brains” today would be eating out of the trash and sucking dick for rock. But despite his heavy metal beard and finding jobs for a bunch of would-be has-beens, he was one big dumbass too.

Chuck wrote about evolution, the progression and adaptation of the human species, also drawing from and relating to the theory of Eugenics, which was genetic mumbo-jumbo bullshit made up by his half-assed cousin, Francis Galton. Francis was a “special” person, and the family tried to encourage him and make him feel normal and intelligent, but deep down they knew, while well intentioned, he just wasn’t right in the head. Since they obviously and unfortunately didn’t keep him chained up in the cellar, a somewhat well-known blond-haired, blue-eyed group of socialists came to agree with his doodles and scribbles, and took it upon themselves to make sure everyone else agreed too. Poor Francis, you should have stuck to finger-painting.

Despite having a dumbass for a cousin, Darwin was determined to outwit and outsmart the world and make sure he was always considered right by basically calling them all monkeys. I mean, technically, that’s pretty fucking smart. I think it went something like this:
“Let’s see, how can I present my point and insult them at the same time…? My theory is we have evolved from and alongside our primate brothers which means you’re all a bunch of banana molesting damn dirty apes.” He fucking nailed it. A lot of people agreed, but of course there were some that didn’t. They were angry at what he said. But they weren’t angry at him, just the fact that someone pointed out that they couldn’t stop scratching their asses and smelling their fingers and loved to throw their own dung. And so “The Origin of Species” was born.

His big brainstorming didn’t really start until he went for a ride on some boat named after a hound dog or something. He spent about five years studying geology, fossils, and all kinds of new shit. Darwin met a lot of scholars, professors, and colleagues on his travels, because apparently he was considered hot shit back then too.

I hate to be the one to say it, but Darwin was a dumbass. Look around you. What do you see? I know what I see, and it’s a bunch of fucking apes. I don’t see evolution. I see hillbillies picking their noses, grunting and pretending to not be in love with the sight of their own dicks. I don’t see progression or adaptation. I see the fucking Discovery Channel. I see rednecks, gangstas, hippies, and yuppies who need fenced in and stared at by children and their parents who will spend $10 to educate the true human race on what “Eugenics” really is. Goodall traveled 300 days a year to study chimps, but the bitch could have just stayed home. Survival of the fittest? Natural selection is complete bullshit. This is what Mother Nature selected? Then fuck her! I say we step in and do our part to help out. Stop feeding the fucking animals.

"Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground. Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they forge a blade, and where there's one they're bound to divide it right in two.

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground. Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive so misguided is a mystery." --Tool (10,000 Days - "Right in Two")

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