June 2, 2007

A guide to modern American culture, part II.

I would love to say American culture is still apple pie, baseball, and honest appreciation for the American flag, but I’d be lying if I did. Hell, maybe 50 years ago I would have been lying too. But I’m here to help you connect to modern American culture in the second half of this guide. Here are three final tips:

5. Hollywood Owns Your Soul and You’re Paying Them to Keep It

Hollywood and the American Judicial System, they just love blowing each other. Hell, they even do it right in public, standing in front of a big-ass sign that says “Suck me off for reduced jail time!” But in all honesty,
that doesn’t really get to me as much as it should. After all, that’s all America even cares about: money. It’s you assholes that give them the power to do as they please. It’s your fault Paris will come out of jail thinking she actually went to jail. It’s your fault that dolts like Anna Nicole Smith get any attention at all (the coke-whore is dead, get over it).

And you know what? You murdered Princess Diana. Sure, we all know how the paparazzi followed her into the tunnel, but why were they following her? Because of you. Stop buying all of those stupid magazines they tell you how to dress because Lindsey Lohan wears it, or how many thousands of babies Angelina Jolie plans on adopting in the next twenty years, or where Tom Cruise went for a walk last Thursday, or whether or not Britney will hook back up with whatever the fuck his name is. Stop hating them for having money as you hand them your fucking paycheck. Stop using them as scapegoats for the fact that you’re a giant piece of shit that the world can’t seem to flush down. Or you can keep buying those magazines that tell you you’re fat and then you can go bitch about it to your friends and talk about how all men care about is tits and good looks. At least you have a grip on reality, which brings me to tip #6:

6. Reality TV is Only as Real as Those Who Watch

Thank you, Real World, thank you. MTV will stop at nothing in their global pursuit to conquer and destroy the minds of children. Guess what? To get my fucking point across, I’m going to try to list as many fucking reality shows made since the start of Real World as I can, or until I get sick of typing. I just hope I don’t run out of room on the blog. There’s no particular order, due to the fact that I don’t give a fuck about making this any easier:

Road Rules, Lacuna Beach, The Osbournes, Newlyweds, The Surreal Life, Hogan Knows Best, Celebrity Fit Club, Strange Love, Flavor of Love, My Fair Brady, Breaking Bonaduce, Celebrity Paranormal Project, I Love New York, Temptation Island, The 1900 House, Big Brother, Big Brother VIP, Celebrity Big Brother, Survivor, Survivor All-Stars, Dancing with the Stars, Project Greenlight, The Biggest Loser, Making the Band, The Simple Life, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette,The Apprentice, America’s Next Top Model, Nashville Star, Hell’s Kitchen, Project Runway, Rock Star, The Club, The Big Break, The Contender, The Ultimate Fighter, Changing Rooms, Trading Spaces, The Swan, Extreme Makeover, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Supernanny, Made, What Not to Wear, Pimp My Ride, Overhaulin’, Blind Date, Scare Tactics, Punk’d, The Joe Schmo Show, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, Space Cadets, Invasion Iowa, Joe Millionaire, Boy Meets Boy, Pop Idol, The Restaurant, The Hills, The Amazing Race, Fear Factor, American Chopper, The First 48, Bands on the Run, Star Search, America’s Got Talent, Celebrity Duets, The Real Gilligan’s Island, Top Chef, Treasure Hunters, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, The Scholar, 30 Days, Age of Love, Adventures in Hollywood, Mindfreak, Crowned, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Dirty Dancing, Breaking Up, Beauty and the Geek, American Princess, America’s Top Cowboy, Celebrity Poker, Ghost Hunters, Family Jewels, House of Carters, Identity, Kid Nation, Last Comic Standing, Poker Royale, Shooting Sizemore, So You Think You Can Dance?, Solitary, Sons of Hollywood, The Agency, Starting Over, The Girls Next Door, The Million Dollar Idea, Bridezilla, The Next Big Thing, The Real Housewives, Trick My Truck, Who’s Your Daddy?, Wife Swap, The Singing Bee, The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll, The Search for the Next Great American Band, Ex-Wives Club, The X Effect, Yo Momma, the two new Who Wants to be a Superhero? and Pirate Master, and of course I could never forget American Idol,
the only reason some people haven’t hung themselves from a fifth floor balcony yet.

That’s the list. For those of you that just passed over it, there’s 114 shows including Real World
. I definitely missed a lot of shitty shows that were actually worse than those listed, but then again, they’re all complete shit. Also, if you want to dispute whether a certain show is actually reality TV, don’t. By watching these shows you’ve lost your sense of reality, and so therefore are no longer any sort of authority on the subject. I could keep going with this, but it’s all been said before and I think the list speaks for itself.

7. *[[~i WHent 2 pUblek Skooole && im KEwL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~]]*

American kids are fucking stupid. In all seriousness, I can probably just leave this section at that, but I'll elaborate since most people are too shallow or too chicken shit to admit it. As if MTV, Seventeen, American Idol, Disney, and the kids’ parents weren’t enough, the shitholes that they spend seven hours a day, five days a week in are probably their biggest deterrents to leading happy lives. But it does prepare them for real life, as an adult. To get kids to this point of preparation they need to destroy free will and creativity, encourage them to overcome faults and minor shortcomings by harassment, instill good values like segregation, favoritism, and idolatry, and teach them our history the way it really happened, from their point of view. If it wasn’t for public school, America wouldn’t be this bright beacon of hope for the rest of the world.

But how stupid are these kids really? These are the same pricks that never grow up and let their kids act the same fucking way. The same bitches that go out drinking with the twenty-something whores that she calls friends while her three month old kid is being taken care of by a forty-year old grandma. These are the same assholes that use
leet talk and spell “hacker” as hax0r”
while trying to pretend that they know what the word actually means. They’re also the same stupid fucks that think writing a series of 0’s and 1’s means that they understand binary. Know what it really means? It means that they're telling you that if you were to multiply the entire series of numbers, the sum would be their level of I.Q. They’re no different than gangstas with their ghetto bullshit, rednecks and their erosion of English, or yuppies that think they understand English. I sucked at math in school, but I’m still certain that you can only count to 1337 and that it’s not just one word when said. How in the fuck do bus driver's keep themselves from beating these little bastards. I'm going to start a committee to raise funds for each school bus to be able to have a baseball bat tucked away behind the driver's seat.

So how do you feel? Do you feel more American? Not sure? Well, here, I’ll help you out. If you love all-you-can-eat buffets, are too lazy to make your marriage last but keep starting new ones, take any kind of drug advertised on TV, bitch about gas prices and do nothing about it, masturbate to Orlando Bloom because he’s pretty (male) or because he’s “sensitive” (female), buy magazines for beauty tips or “star status”, vote republican or vote democrat, believe the reality show you watch is better than all the rest, and if you went to public school and feel proud, then it’s definitely safe to say that you’re an “honest-to-God”, Starbucks-lovin’, good-hearted American who appreciates this great dosage of freedom our soldiers are fighting for. I do find it a little funny though, that we found freedom over 200 years ago on our own soil and yet we keep losing it and it always seems to turn up in odd places, specifically the Middle East and Eurasia. Once this little fight for freedom is over we need to grab hold of that son of a bitch and not let go this time. Freedom must be about as slippery as a bar of soap in the shower. But it sure smells good when you do have a hold of it and you’re all lathered up, doesn’t it? Fucking morons.

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