I was recently sent a link by “The Beardman” to a report on a couple, Pat and Sheena Wheaton, from New Zealand, who wanted to name their newborn “4real.” The country denied the couple the name, and said that they wouldn’t allow it because of the use of a digit beginning the name.
"For most of us, when we try to figure out what our names mean, we have to look it up in a babies book and ... there's no direct link between the meaning and the name," Pat Wheaton told TV One. "With this name, everyone knows what it means." Of course it does, shit-for-brains. Now everyone knows that there’s two people in New Zealand that should be dragged into the street and flogged by big fucking clubs with bent, rusty nails.
New Zealand law states that all children must be registered with the Births, Deaths and Marriages registry within two months of the birth, and if no compromise has been reached by July 9th, the baby’s name will be registered as "real." God, I fucking hope so. So, speaking of “real,” here’s a real list of names given to kids in America within the last few years:
Stalin (bet that kid gets beat the fuck up a lot)
Infinite (stupidity, not choices)
Godly (his parents are going to Hell, most definitely)
Hey (that's right, cut through the b.s. and make a greeting their name)
Abyss (means hollow or empty, great celebrity name)
Dweezil (same as Stalin, only for the rest of his life)
As-Matik (oh, that’s fucking clever)
Unique (many cases for boys and girls, ironically enough)
Virgin ($10 says she’s the first to lose it in her class)
Prince (so now there’s two girls with this name)
Chaos (you stupid fucking goths)
Choice (maybe her parents should have been Pro-Choice)
Boat (at least it wasn’t Whale)
Albert (a girl named Albert, sexy)
Satan (that's fucking original...)
Destiny (probably going fucking nowhere)
Latrina (“Yeah, it used to be shithouse.” “Good change, it’s a good change.”)
Velshita (cheese commentary)
NyQuell (good beverage, not a good name)
Bestiality (holy fuck...)
Rosie Thorn (aka High-Maintenance Bitch)
Bridge (everyone’s been on top of her once or twice)
Hitler (I take back Stalin and Dweezil, this kid will live a very short life)
Jihad (seriously has to suck right now...)
Not to mention the stories spread around about kids being named things like Clamidia, Syphillis, Gonorrhea, Urine, and Vagina. There is even one case in New York of a Knight Sir Lancelot. Yeah, 4real.
And of course the infamous celebrity kids’ names like: Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow), Speck (John Mellencamp), Phinnaeus (Julia Roberts), Kal-El (yes, Nic Cage named his kid fucking Superman), Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee), Audio Science (Shannyn Sossamon), Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson), and the greatest one of all...Bono’s son, Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q. I swear to fucking God I didn’t make that up.
The future of our nation sure does look bright, doesn’t it? How does Senator Skeeter Head sound, or President Moon Unit? Or how about July’s Playboy pin-up, Albert? It sounds fucking awesome. I’m a bit partial to Velshita though. That one’s very classy.
-Coming next: I’ll give you some reasons not to vote in the next presidential election (here’s a hint: all of the reasons are people’s names).