A very wise English teacher I once had said to the class: "There's no point in trying. Everything you plan to do has been done and every idea you will ever have has already been thought of before." So, taking his advice, I'm posting all the quotes I've copied down from a certain favorite co-worker of mine. As you read them, you'll know why I had to write them down before I forgot them, though some are said on a regular basis. Unfortunately, there are many I never had a chance to. Keep in mind, these are all things said to other co-workers, or him talking to me about them or someone he knows. As far as I can tell, he actually likes me. But I hope not, because then that would lessen his image in my mind and I would lose a little respect for him. I can only hope to become half the man he is.
Well, I'm heading to the house. If my dinner's not ready, I'm going to raise hell. If it is ready, I'm not going to eat.
I have a lot of tools at my workbench, but I've never seen one quite like you.
He's the kind of guy that'd jerk his dog off to feed his cat.
I call my wife Troll. She loves it. (Even has her name in his cell as 'Troll')
I hope your sons didn't get their brains from you. You're a fucking idiot.
You're getting married? Dumbass. I didn't even know people still did that. I guess kids today are just as stupid as they've always been.
I used to drink a 40 in the parking lot everyday on my lunch break. So one day a guy I work with, who was also a preacher, came up to me and said I shouldn't do that. That if I came to his church on Sunday, he could save me. So I asked him if he could save anyone. "Yes, anyone." Can you save a murderer? "Yes." Can you save a rapist? "Yes." Can you save a whore? "Yes, I can save a whore." Then can you save me a whore Friday night? That dickhead didn't talk to me on lunch anymore.
Wherever you find four Baptists, you'll find a fifth.
I'm going home to a hot woman and a cold beer. And it better not be the other
She quit? I don't blame her. Fuck this place. I'd quit too, if I didn't hate everything else even more.
Three illegitimate kids. I don't understand it. You kids can't just fuck for fun anymore?
Look at her dressed all in white, as if she was still a virgin. Probably hasn't been a virgin since the sixth grade.
When God made woman, He sure wasted one of man's damn ribs.
'M-F-er'? Is that like 'motherfucker'?
What a dick./He's a dick./Ain't he a dickhead?/You ever met a dick like that?
Cheap bastard./Cheap prick./That son of a bitch is cheap./Here's a nickel. I know how cheap you are, prick.
The man's a living legend. He has diabetes, calluses for hands, and he hates small talk. When he talks, I listen. When he comes over to my desk, he just sits in my chair and I stop what I'm doing because I know the shit about to come out of his mouth is going to be epic. Sometimes I think I'm staring into the mirror. Then I remember I'm not that badass. But he's teaching me.