Here I've compiled all of the quotes I've remembered or written down of Slu, the die and tool maker I work with. I've posted three parts before, with new ones each time, but unfortunately the guy only comes in about once every two weeks, for a couple of hours, and I no longer get to hear much cool shit from this man anymore. So, since these lists are getting shorter each time, I've put together every single one I have, with a few new ones from today at the very bottom. Think of it as Slu's greatest hits. The old man is everything I want to be: hardened, bitter, intelligent, and he says whatever the hell he wants to whoever. He's foul-mouthed, hard-working, and as polite as he can be, I often wonder how many people he's killed and dumped into a lake at night. I have no heroes. But if I did, it'd be Slu. The text in red is me speaking to him. The rest is his legend:
Well, I'm heading to the house. If my dinner's not ready, I'm gonna raise hell. If it is ready, I'm not gonna eat.
I have a lot of tools at my workbench, but I've never seen one quite like you.
He's the kind of guy that'd jerk his dog off to feed his cat.
I call my wife Troll. She loves it. (Even has her name in his cell as 'Troll')
I hope your sons didn't get their brains from you. You're a fucking idiot.
You're getting married? Dumbass. I didn't even know people still did that. I guess kids today are just as stupid as they've always been.
I used to drink a 40 in the parking lot everyday on my lunch break. So one day a guy I work with, who was also a preacher, came up to me and said I shouldn't do that. That if I came to his church on Sunday, he could save me. So I asked him if he could save anyone. "Yes, anyone." Can you save a murderer? "Yes." Can you save a rapist? "Yes." Can you save a whore? "Yes, I can save a whore." Then can you save me a whore Friday night? That dickhead didn't talk to me on lunch anymore.
Wherever you find four Baptists, you'll find a fifth.
I'm going home to a hot woman and a cold beer. And it better not be the other way around.
She quit? I don't blame her. Fuck this place. I'd quit, too, if I didn't hate everything else even more.
Three illegitimate kids. I don't understand it. You kids can't just fuck for fun anymore?
Look at her dressed all in white, as if she was still a virgin. Probably hasn't been a virgin since the sixth grade.
When God made woman, He sure wasted one of man's damn ribs.
'M-F-er'? Is that like 'motherfucker'?
What a dick. / He's a dick. / Ain't he a dickhead? / You ever met a dick like that?
Cheap bastard. / Cheap prick. / That son of a bitch is cheap. / Here's a nickel. I know how cheap you are, prick.
Well, I'm heading to the house. Got me some ham salad I made last night for sandwiches. With the old lady sick, I've had to fend for myself. It's kinda nice though, having something different than a hot tongue and a cold shoulder.
I talked to your old buddy yesterday. I guess he got back with his old lady. And I guess he dropped a package off for delivery.
"Really? I heard she couldn't get pregnant."
Maybe it wasn't actually him. Looks like she found someone to stud her out. I'd get the bitch tested.
It's not pretty, but we ain't entering no fucking beauty pageant. Not that any of them here even know what that is anyway.
Don't marry for money, but hang around rich women ‘til you fall in love.
Driving that nice a'car to work at his age is damn ridiculous. It's just like pissing in the ocean.
Here, Don. I made an extra plate for you to take home. I know you're cheap and can't afford to dip into that thick wallet to buy yourself dinner.
Don't thank me. I couldn't give a shit today, or tomorrow.
The only time I ever paid for sex was back in my early 30's, I think. I was in D.C. for work, with my friend, and he said, "While we're in Washington, let's get a couple whores." So he got his, I got mine, and back at my hotel room she was sucking me off, and halfway though she looked up at me and said she'd have sex with me too if I wanted. I looked down at her and said, "I'm not paying you for sex. I'm paying you to suck my dick." And I pushed her head back down.
That ain't skill. That's shithouse luck.
Look at that shirt. Boy, you're sharper than a needle-dick hound.
Back when I was a teenager, and I had just got my license, I asked my dad if I could borrow his car. You see, I had a date that night with this broad that got around a bit. I don't know what you kids call 'em these days, but...
"I guess we call them hoodrats."
What? Whatever. Anyway, this was back when segregation was still around, so in the movie theater they had a balcony where the blacks sat. Well, I didn't really want anyone seeing me with her, so we sat up there. While the movie was playing, I was fingering that pussy. Not more than a couple minutes into it, the most vile, awful smell came up. I'm telling you, kid, fucking rank. Well, it was so bad that all the people around us on the balcony cleared out. I could hear them choking on the way out. After the movie was over, I didn't know what I was gonna do. I mean, that smell almost gagged me, but I was planning on fucking something that night.
"God, let me guess..."
I took her to the park, wrapped it twice, and fucked the hell outta her. I took her home, and she asked me if I was gonna call her tomorrow. I said, "Fuck no," and tore outta there. Halfway home I pulled the car over and puked. Twice. The next morning my old mad came pounding on my door and asked me, "Why the fuck does my car smell like someone fucking died?" I told him that was my date. He never let me drive that car again.
You were broadcasting when you should have been tuning in.
That motherfucker just insulted me!
"What do you mean?"
He said, "Well, I'll let you get back to work and get out of your hair." Do you see any fucking hair on my head? That motherfucker...
Those two butt heads like billy goats.
"Yeah, they don't seem to get along too well."
Take you and me for instance. Now, I may not like you, but we both work for this company. So when we're here, I pretend to like you.
He's like a bear cub wearing boxing gloves and playing with his peter.
How's the world treatin' ya?
"Fine. How 'bout you?"
It's not the world. It's the people, kid. It's the people.
Your mouth was in gear and your brain was in idle.
Did I ever tell you about the old, ugly woman I saw at the eye doctor?
"No, I don't think so."
Well, one time when I was at the eye doctor, I saw the ugliest bitch I've ever seen. I'm talking so ugly that a blind man wouldn't marry the bitch. Well, a couple of months go by and I'm taking this tour through a farm, and then I see her walking with a group of people. So I went up to her and I asked, "Were you at the eye doctor about two months ago?"
And she said, "Yes, how did you know that?"
I said, "Well, ma'am, I trained with the CIA for over eleven years, and I always remember faces."
She said, "That's amazing. You have a wonderful memory."
The truth is...no one could forget such an ugly fucking goat face.
I took that blade in there to ol' Don and he asked me, "How much do I owe you?" I thought about saying, "five bucks." He'da swallowed his Adam's apple.
See that guy there? Him and his wife own a store, and on the front window they got a sign that says "Jesus saves" or some shit like that. And he's down here at this bar getting drunk every fucking night.
"You want me to go ahead and load it up for you?"
Nah, I already got enough on my plate as it is. On my way home. Just called the wife twenty minutes ago. Told her to get on the ball and get that soup hot.
One year for Christmas I bought my old lady a gravesite. The next year for her birthday I bought her a tombstone. But I'll tell you one thing, she ain't getting anything else 'cause she hasn't even used those yet.
You need money for a haircut, boy? Or you joining a rock band? Because you really only have those two options at this point.
"Yeah, I'll be sure to work on one of those, Slu."
Saw your friend, James, the other day...
"Why do you always call him my friend?"
He asked me if I heard that he was gonna be a father. Know what I told him? I said, "Well, James, I heard your wife was pregnant, but I didn't hear you were gonna be a father."
"Haha. I still say he needs to get that bitch tested."
"You need a haircut, Ryan. You're starting to look like a woman."
Don, you need to lose sixty pounds. You're starting to look like a beached whale.
"Wow. Thanks, Slu."