2012: Doomsday or huge fucking party?

Surely by now everyone's heard about the new prophecy agenda and their hellfire and brimstone predictions. Apparently these desperate fucks are even using another religion (albeit, a dead one) to foretell of the coming end. The Mayans had their own calendars, for all of you ignorant dung-dwelling monkeys, and the last date that they recorded was December 21^st of 2012 (or 12/21/2012, much more reliable than 06/06/06). Since people got sick of hearing half-assed Revelations prophecies, as if Man would possibly be allowed to know the date, they’ve instead opted to misinterpreting and stealing a completely different culture’s predictions.

First of all, should we really trust the prophecies of a nation that socially collapsed around 1200 AD and was completely conquered by the late 1690’s? They can predict the end of the world but not themselves? It reminds me of the psychic in town that got arrested. I guess the bitch didn’t see that one coming. Second, they’ve cried wolf so many times now that if God himself told us, we still wouldn’t believe it. It’s funny though, that more people were afraid of Y2K and their electricity going off than of the world coming to an end. Just priorities, I guess. But personally, I prefer The X-Files explanation that it will be an alien invasion, either to get me the fuck out of here or to take everyone else away. Or better yet, if the Earth is still here, and there actually is intelligent life that eventually lands here, then what will they think when they find a 2013 Dodge Dakota? It’s gonna fuck them all up.

Regardless, I hope it all does end in 2012. The end of the world is probably the only thing that’s going to shut them up. If they’re so inclined to die, then why don’t they just off themselves and spare us this bullshit? I tell you what though, if it does end December 21^st, 2012, I’ll let them say one last thing before we go: “I told you so.” If not, tough shit. You know what kings in the Dark Ages did to seers that didn’t see shit? They chopped off their fucking heads. I’ll have the axe ready, you jaded, shroom-eating cunts.

More than Moore, more or less.

I recently acquired an illegal copy, fitting enough, of “America: Freedom to Fascism” directed by Aaron Russo, “a documentary that explores the connection between income tax collection and the erosion of civil liberties in America.” Basically, this 2005 documentary brings to light some astonishing revelations, that apparently federal income tax and the filing of your 1040 every year is in actuality unconstitutional. The film first claims, then proves that there is actually no law requiring the American working class to pay a tax on their wages. Oddly, I came into possession of this ’05 film just days after the director’s death from cancer.

After a bit of research myself, there appears to be reasonable arguments on both sides, though more leaning towards Russo’s stance. Aaron Russo does (mostly) right everything that Michael Moore did wrong, including: more facts and less personal opinions, more interviews, and more informative, and uproots more than what the government is up to, but actually why. You won’t find Russo taking kids to K-Mart and asking employees that they take out the bullets that they legally sold to parents of a couple fucking morons. You won’t find Russo blaming Charlton Heston for school shootings, or pouring in gallons of bullshit feelings and opinions. Hell, Moore was even disapproved by Ray Bradbury, which you obviously have to see some irony in that. Moore denied Bradbury’s request to change the title and tagline. I will say that I admire Moore’s stance on pro-movie leaking and downloading, which is rare. But I have to wonder if it’s more propaganda designed to increase fandom. Or maybe I just hate the fuckhead because he pissed off one of my favorite writers. But does Russo really have more integrity in the film than Moore has had, or is he not quite as flamboyant at it?

There are many great quotes used throughout the documentary, but some are wrongly attributed, mixed with other quotes, or clipped and cut to incorrectly accuse the originator of ill intent. Take for example the quote from Bill Clinton: “We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans." Sounds pretty fucking malicious to me, until I read the quote in its entirety: “We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans to legitimately own handguns and rifles—it's something I strongly support—we can't be so fixated on that that we are unable to think about the reality of life that millions of Americans face on streets that are unsafe, under conditions that no other nation—no other nations—has permitted to exist.” Moore, I’d say, more or less.

Regardless, there are very noteworthy quotes throughout the film. Edwin Viera says, “All the power is in the people. And to the extent that government becomes alienated from the people, does things the people don't want, power is transferred until you finally come to a Police State, totalitarian state, whatever word you want to give it -- where the desires of the people really have no consequence. They go out and they vote, doesn't make any difference which candidate they elect.” Oddly reminiscent is a quote from Joseph Stalin, “The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything.”

But perhaps I shouldn’t get hung-up on minor details, and instead focus on the overall message presented: If we truly should pay income tax, then why doesn’t the 16th Amendment apply and why isn’t there a law stating it? So therefor, what is it about the 16th Amendment that is disputed? “Article V of the U.S. Constitution specifies the ratification process, and requires 3/4 of the States to ratify any amendment proposed by Congress. There were 48 States in the American Union in 1913, meaning that affirmative action of 36 states was required for ratification. In February, 1913, Secretary of State Philander Knox issued a proclamation claiming that 38 states had ratified the amendment.” All sources list all 38 states as having ratified the 16th, even Wikipedia (though generally unreliable anyway). And yet, “The 4 states listed below are among the 38 states that Philander Knox claimed ratification from.”

-“The Kentucky Senate voted upon the resolution, but rejected it by a vote of 9 in favor and 22 opposed.”
-“The Oklahoma Senate amended the language of the 16th Amendment to have a precisely opposite meaning.”
-“The California legislative assembly never recorded any vote upon any proposal to adopt the amendment proposed by Congress.”
-“The State of Minnesota sent nothing to the Secretary of State in Washington.”

What it all boils down to is that “33 states engaged in the unauthorized activity of amending the language of the amendment proposed by Congress, a power the states do not possess.” Another dispute is what “income” actually entails in the Constitution. It’s nowhere described or defined in the document, yet the Supreme Court defines it as: gain from corporate activity. Not wages or labor. Another scary point brought forth is that the Federal Reserve is actually a private bank and not a federal agency.

There seems to be a massive amount of controversy surrounding the movie, which would be understandable considering its message. Many have tried to rebuke the evidence, or lack thereof. For instance, the IMDb states that there is factual error “when speaking of disarming residents in New Orleans the footage actually shows arrests by the California Highway Patrol.” Yet, the “Highway Patrol” shown raiding houses and disarming citizens are in fact dressed in army camo, two of whom are interviewed. I don’t feel like researching this particular topic, especially considering it’s the only scene in the entire movie to be regarded as wrong, but it did strike me as a little odd that they looked just like the Army, as he described them as. (Side note: the man in the picture above is my new personal hero. He is a former IRS Inspector who stumbled onto this information, that there is no income tax law, and inquired about it. He was fired for asking too much and now hasn't paid his federal income taxes in years. Stickin' it to the man, fuck yes.)

The documentary goes on to tell much more about the unlawful taxation, the Federal Reserve, and even predicts the (somewhat typical) Orwellian future that may be ahead. Many great points are presented, and some rather disturbing information is brought to light, though with a somewhat slight of hand. Despite this, it didn’t appear to me to be quite as bad as Moore’s attempts. Though with smoke and mirrors, it’s really anybody’s guess. In the end though, it’s still worth checking out. As a documentary, it’s well-crafted and gets across its point, however astonishing and enraging it may be.

“In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” –Benjamin Franklin

The art of arguing.

“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.” -Dave Barry

The ability to argue is a skill, and just like any other skill you acquire, it takes practice. As we face even the smallest of arguments everyday, it would be acceptable to state that we all have quite a lot of experience in the matter. But being a history teacher for twenty or thirty years doesn’t exactly make you a good one, does it? Regardless, we are faced with battles of beliefs in our daily lives, and often without any intention of being involved.

So how does one go about winning these contests of will then? It’s simple, because it’s not about whether you’re right or wrong. It’s about winning. Your own beliefs, like theirs, are completely irrelevant other than serving as the basis for the argument. If you truly believe that you can convince someone of an opposing view to feel the same about an issue as you through basic reasoning and logic, then this isn’t a guide for you. There’s only one way for an opponent to come to an agreement or compromise with you, and that’s through violence. Instead, I’m going to teach you how to win an argument, and give you techniques on how to garner bragging rights and make your opponent feel like an ignorant sack of shit.

The Basics:

How can you tell if you’ve won? There are two possibilities to the outcome of an argument. One is the stalemate. This result occurs prematurely, usually ending with the other party becoming too upset to continue. You must prevent this at all costs. This conclusion is lose/lose and means you both fucking suck at arguing. The other result is completely and utterly exhausting their resources and potential rebuttals. Like baseball, there could end up being extra innings before it’s over, but unlike baseball, neither side is actually going to be declared a winner. This is simply distinguished by how well you perform and who has prevented the other from continuing.

One of the most effective ways to gain the upper hand is to simply not say anything at all. Just let them do the talking for a while. In fact, if given the chance, many people will reveal the flaws in their arguments by simply being allowed to speak. Just watch and listen, and wait for the opening in which the faults and weaknesses become obvious. Be careful not to lose your footing though, especially if they’re providing a strong case, as this could easily lead you to pondering too much on what they’re saying and not what you’re preparing to say when they’re finished. Keep focused and don’t become distracted or the battle will be over before you even begin.

Not everyone will be so inclined to speak their entire case so quickly, especially the ones that are more skilled than others. Asking questions is of course inevitable for both parties, but instead of just being a cog in the clock, it can be used as an incredible tool to give you the advantage. Vague questions are your worst enemy. Unfortunately all first questions must be vague. Break away from this as soon as you can. Your goal is to use as many rhetorical and trick questions as you can. Your questions are less of a means to information, and more for the purpose of distraction and sabotage. Confusion is you’re greatest ally, and you must use it well. Even more satisfying than destroying their point of view is making them forget it and everything they were going to say.

Things to Avoid:

Arguing is much like a driver’s license. It’s a privilege, not a right. Many people you attempt to argue with are going to realize very quickly as it begins that they are not going to win, and will often resort to restating their original premise over and over until it wears you down. In most cases, these people care nothing for winning, only to make you think and feel the way that they do about the subject. But as they begin to see that they’re starting to lose, they’ll instead try to spare themselves from the embarrassment of presenting a weak case and getting their asses handed to them by someone better prepared and more aptly skilled.

It’s impossible to prevent them from backtracking. No matter what you do or say, they are going to keep treading the water hoping they’ll last longer than you. Many arguments will be unresolved in these situations, but if you keep your cool and use your head, you can still extract some satisfaction by forcing them to explain their side. It’s understandable that you’ll become irritated at their games, but the best way to get them to continue instead of regress is dishonesty. Pretend to actually be interested in their point of view and request that they elaborate so you can better understand. If they’re no longer reluctant, then all you have to do is let them do the talking, and the giant, gaping holes in their pile of bullshit will become all too obvious. And the best part after they've explained themselves is that they can no longer continue repeating their original statements.

At all costs, you must not feed off of your emotions, even potentially taking a few steps back. Insults and a change in the tone of your voice, though effective tools for distraction, are not going to see you through to the end of the argument. Getting too personal will indeed cause them to lose their train of thought, but will immediately bring the equal or greater course of action back in your direction. It will become an inescapable cycle until one of the two parties will say something much more personal than the other will be able to accept, and then the argument is over. Instead, retain your composure, and if the other person opts to extreme measures, then play on their emotions, not feed. Anger is a great weapon, provided they aren’t too spiteful that it prevents them from continuing to engage you. Let their rage blind them and cool them back down. You’ll come to find that they’ve misplaced parts of their argument.

You also don’t want to pick apart everything they say. Find only the strengths in the point they’re trying to make and tear them down. If you dispute too many of the minor details, they will: (1.) Potentially become too angry to continue the argument, resulting in a waste of your time, and (2.) you will lose sight of your goal, which is to win. Remember, what you believe is irrelevant. Only winning matters.

Advanced Techniques:

Manipulation is a very useful tool, but practically impossible to master considering the great potential of backfiring. It’s basically an advanced stage of playing on their feelings and emotions. Using tools like guilt and concealing your motives and plans are effective only so far. Eventually you begin to either anger them by becoming too personal or they start to use the same techniques on you. Guilt is only useful when you can make them feel it without actually blaming them. This usually involves direct questions or actually pretending to take the blame all yourself, resulting in even more guilt on their part. This is what I generally consider fighting dirty, and should probably be used as a last resort. Though effective, it definitely won’t win an entire argument for you.

Reading and giving body language can turn out to be quite handy as well. Some tricks have proved the test of time, such as watching the eyes and posture. Some people can give away the strength of their argument just by how their body responds to the pressure and your own reactions. Take heed to control your own though, as most tend to forget this or even acknowledge it. Just as well, it’s actually in itself a form of manipulation, as you can force yourself to give the wrong impression in the situation. If you know you’re telling them a lie, then look them straight in the eyes and tell them as if you truly believe it. Don’t look away, and make sure to say it with conviction.

And what’s the most important tool of all? Planning. The others are techniques, but this is something you must redo each time. You must plan for all possible rebuttals and questions that the other person will have. More than likely their questions will not be used as distractions, but that’s not going to stop you from being caught off your feet by a few of them. You can’t let them use your own weapons against you or you’re both fucked. I should also say that you should never argue over a subject you know little or nothing about, or you’re going to get your ass handed to you, and you’ll deserve every bit of it. You’re in this to win, and you can only do that by ruining their shit. If you share in their embarrassment, even a little, then you lose. But if you achieve victory, you’ll feel great about yourself, and at someone else’s expense, no less. And that’s really all that matters, isn’t it?

Rated ‘R’ for “Reaching.”

I remember sitting in my comfy, little seat at the movies waiting for some badass trailers and seeing for the first time the preview for Rob Zombie’s “The Devil’s Rejects.” I, of course, was quite antsy, expecting another violent roller-fucking-coaster ride through Hell and back. The trailer fed my hunger, but as it ended, something just didn’t sit well. It was the rating. I knew before I even saw it that it would be a hard ‘R.’ That was a given. But it was the explanation for the rating that threw me a bit of confusion: for sadistic violence, strong sexual content, language and drug use. Language and drug use were nothing new. And over the years, for some reason, I’ve seen sexuality and nudity become one when the movie featured both, instead of separating the two. But strong sexual content?

Since when did the MPAA feel the need to use new adjectives, oddly enough on top of other adjectives already describing the movie. But even that wasn’t the real surprise. What really caught my eye was the sadistic violence. I just thought to myself, maybe they just fucking hate you, Rob. But I shook it off, and as time went on, I started noticing more and more descriptive adjectives prefixing the staple explanations we’ve become so accustomed to.

But recently, as I was watching “Zodiac” on DVD, I noticed a little switch-a-roo on those words and instead of sexual content, I found: ‘R’ for some strong killings. I didn’t really know how to take that. Was that an explanation or a compliment? As in, “those are some tight fucking murders in that movie.” Regardless, is there even an opposite to that? A weak killing? That sounds like an insult. As in, “you guys fucking suck at killing people on TV.” Either way, I had a good laugh.

So what the hell happened to the simple shit that just told us what to expect? Or better yet, why were these explanations for ratings originally created? It was to simply inform the viewers of why that particular movie garnered that particular restriction. If the movie is rated ‘R,’ then they have to explain why annoying, little bastard children aren’t supposed to see it without their annoying, bitchy parents. To go beyond that is not only pointless, but arrogant. I enjoyed "Zodiac" myself, but those killings were far from strong. It’s bad enough that they tell us what we can and can't watch, but now they think they’re fucking critics too?

Another recent rating they’ve given is to the forthcoming “Return with Honor,” a movie about a pilot shot down in North Vietnam: rated ‘PG’ for sensuality, bullying, and brief smoking. Yes, I’m going to tear down all three of these fucking reasons. First, bullying? That has to be someone’s lame fucking joke, seriously. That is hands down the worst thing I have ever seen in a rating. I’m afraid I don’t even have anything else to really say about that one. I’m dumbstruck. Second is sensuality, which apparently is not as bad as sexuality. I’m guessing that there's more kissing beforehand, he buys her some flowers, tells her he loves her, and then calls her back after the first date. It’s nothing like sexuality, which would be dirty, sweaty sex in a truck-stop bathroom, anal or doggie-style, and in between hits of their crack pipe they'd hail Satan, right?

The last one is something I truly expected, but this is the first I’ve actually seen in a rating: brief smoking. That’s right, ass-hats. Not drug use. Smoking. And brief, at that. I’m not sure if you have noticed, but smoking has disappeared from movies and television over the past decade. I talked quite a bit before about how they were going to start rating for this, but this is the first I’ve seen them come out and say it in a rating. I’m caught being surprised between the rating itself and the fact that the directors/writers actually had the balls to put someone smoking in the movie, a ‘PG’ movie, no less. Props to Tom Hanks for sticking it to Big Brother and the MPAA.

I don’t really have any great solution. Problems like these are never solved. They’re only dealt with, accepted, coped with. The problem isn’t the people in power making decisions for us. The real problem is that we make pathetic decisions for ourselves and give the worst of the group too much power. You want someone to blame for ratings on movies, video games, CDs, and television programs? Then blame yourself. Indifference is worse than being wrong.

I’ll leave you with the greatest rating I know of, almost poetic: Rob Zombie’s soon-to-be-released “Halloween,” rated ‘R’ for strong brutal bloody violence and terror throughout, sexual content, graphic nudity and language. Now I’m sure. They hate you, Rob, and everything you fucking touch. But don’t worry. Even though I’ve been waiting for this one, I’d go see the movie based on that kickass description alone (well, that and your wife). See you at the movies, bitches.

Bush throws another donkey punch.

Yet again we let the president and his dumbass flunkies stick it in our ass and break it off. We all just sit idly by and most don’t even notice the rape, which is a crime in itself. Yesterday, “President Bush signed into law on Sunday legislation that broadly expanded the government’s authority to eavesdrop on the international telephone calls and e-mail messages of American citizens without warrants.” What this means is that the new law allows the NSA to do what they were already doing in secrecy, far beyond the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) established in 1978. “This more or less legalizes the N.S.A. program,” said Kate Martin, director of the Center for National Security Studies.

For a bit of history, FISA was amended back in 2001 after the September 11^th attacks, and became better known as the USA PATRIOT Act, or the Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act of 2001. No shit…? That’s a metric fuckton of pretty words, almost even more than I can swallow. But then I guess it’s not being shoved into my mouth, is it?

“The act increased the ability of law enforcement agencies to search telephone and e-mail communications and medical, financial, and other records; eased restrictions on foreign intelligence gathering within the United States; expanded the Secretary of Treasury's authority to regulate financial transactions, particularly those involving foreign individuals and entities; and enhanced the discretion of law enforcement and immigration authorities in detaining and deporting immigrants suspected of terrorism-related acts.” And the best part? “The act also expanded the definition of terrorism to include 'domestic terrorism,' thus enlarging the number of activities to which the Patriot Act’s expanded law enforcement powers can be applied.”

The real kicker was that the act was only supposed to last until December 31, 2005, but was pushed by a bunch of assholes to be permanent. So in July of 2005, Bush did just that, long before the deadline. Fast-forward to yesterday: “Previously, the government needed search warrants approved by a special intelligence court to eavesdrop on telephone conversations, e-mail messages and other electronic communications between individuals inside the United States and people overseas.” So basically this means that instead of fucking us in the dark, now they’re kind enough to turn the light on while they do it. It’s a nice gesture, but the next step would be letting us turn around to see who’s thrusting.

“By changing the legal definition of what is considered ‘electronic surveillance,’ the new law allows the government to eavesdrop on those conversations without warrants.” None of this shit is really news to us, because we’ve known all along that they were doing it. The real news here is that now they’ve created a law for themselves that says they can do it. There’s a six month expiration on this, but I’m sure before that happens that they’ll extend it or make it permanent as well.

But why now? Why the fuck should they give a rat’s ass about what we think? It turns out that telecommunication companies were giving the Bush administration a shitstorm of bitching to the third power, because they kept getting sued over allowing third party surveillance to their customers. So what did Bush decide to do about it? “The law also gave the administration greater power to force telecommunications companies to cooperate with such spying operations. The companies can now be compelled to cooperate by orders from the attorney general and the director of national intelligence.” “Compelled” being the key word there. Well, I for one am sure glad our troops are overseas fighting for freedom, because it looks like we still have a long way to go. But they are doing a great job: one tyrant down, one to go.

Voting for dummies, part II: republicans.

So I’m back to give you a second dose of presidential seal, the kind you get to beat with clubs. But this time it’s the red party, lard-ass elephants called republicans. As I said before, this is a waste of time, because they don’t stand a chance again until 2016, when the democrats won’t stand a chance. But I’ll go through the motions and tear down the two most likely candidates for 2008.

John McCain

Alright, the first batter up this evening is Senator John McCain. This slugger son-of-a-bitch is a glass half-full-kinda fucker. His father and grandfather both served in the Navy, as admirals no less. So that meant John had a lot of catching up to do. But after serving in the Navy for 22 years, the douche only ever made it to a seat in the Senate. But like I said, it’s all in how you look at it: either be overshadowed by the harder, prouder accomplishments of his family, or share in their glory and bask in the glow of a name he doesn’t deserve, like when he says he “deeply values duty, honor and service of country” because of his father and grandfather. What a bitch.

So what does this lazy bastard think he has up his sleeve for 2008? How about: “lobbying and ethics reform?” No joke. “Those who serve in positions of public trust have a patriotic duty to serve the national interest with integrity and accountability, to conduct ourselves in a manner worthy of the people we are privileged to serve, and to devote ourselves to America's agenda, not that of narrow special interests.” That’s true, and I couldn’t have said it better. But coming from him, I’m not sure that it means the same thing that I would have intended. What I think he means is: “I’m not a liar like all of the rest. Trust me.” I just can’t believe this, because I know there are people out there eating up this shit each time he drops his pants and pinches one off, and they just stand there smiling with shit stains smeared on their faces, completely content in how it tastes, even though they know all too well that it’s shit they’re eating.

Of course, we also have the typical, mindless republican “issues” coming from this fucktard: staying in Iraq (and hoping for the best), border security (invading other countries and keeping people out of ours), veterans (yeah, we’ll see…), and definitely not surprising at all is his belief in “protecting second amendment rights.” In all honesty, I don’t give a fuck about this. I could go either way, but when it all comes down to it, I’m leaning towards McCain’s corner. I don’t hunt, I don’t need a gun to protect myself from criminals (or those scary terrorists), and if I’m going to put anything into a case, it’s not going to be a gun. If I put that kind of money down for a weapon, it’s plain and simple: someone is going to get shot. Just like promotions and hefty raises, some people just deserve it.

As I said before, all of the republicans are planning to lower taxes, and McCain has supposedly always fought for this, you think to yourself, until you stop reading his propaganda and venture outside of your little political bubble: “In 1998, McCain embraced former South Dakota Democratic Senator Tom Daschle’s motion to approve Big Tobacco’s Master Settlement Agreement, including a $1.10-per-pack cigarette-tax increase.”

Verdict: Just an average liar, but has a fetish for hollow points.

Rudolph Guiliani

Rudolph Guiliani, ex-mayor, governor, and senator, but also “for his efforts, he was named Person of the Year by Time magazine, knighted by the Queen of England, dubbed Rudy the Rock by French President Jaques Chirac, and former first lady Nancy Reagan presented him with the Ronald Reagan Presidential Freedom Award.” That’s one hell of a long title. But now it seems that he might be shooting for president too. Great, because he did a bang-up job with all of the rest, I’m sure he do just fine. After all, he’s the only person to benefit from 9/11 (other than Michael Moore).

It’s not completely definite that this dumbass is running, but then again, none of them are definite yet. And it’s not like it matters anyway, because he doesn’t stand a chance. But hypothetically if he did run, what would be the issues he would hypothetically believe in to make you hypothetically cast a hypothetically democratic vote? Lower taxes? Wow, that’s fucking original. Actually, all of the republicans are promising that this time around, and none of the democrats. But none of that shit matters anyway. Finally stupid Americans are realizing what lower taxes really mean. So they might actually comprehend it all now, and stop saying that they all lied to them.

Verdict: Rudolph the brown-nosed war profiteer.

And there you have it, five reasons not to vote in the next election. Of course, there are other potential candidates as well, but just like America's middle and lower classes, they don't fucking matter. If you’re wondering why there aren’t any green party candidates on here, then you’re a fucking dipshit. Yes, it’s possible to waste your vote even more than if you had voted red or blue, and you prove it every four years.

You know what’s sad though? If a truly honest politician actually came along one day, with every intention to do what they say, and believe in what they tell us, we would never fucking believe them. And when it all came down to it, the other, dishonest, candidate would probably win. Democracy at it’s finest. As for the verdict for the 2008 election and America’s future for the next four years: Completely fucked. See you at the poles. Oh, wait, I guess you won’t.

Voting for dummies, part I: democrats.

As promised, here are your reasons not to vote for the 2008 presidential elections. This is part one, three of the potential democrats, and part two will be the republicans. But I honestly shouldn’t even bother, because none of them stand a chance. You stupid bastards have bitched for six years now about how the republicans have fucked up the country, because you’ve apparently forgotten about how the democrats fucked it up the eight years before, and the republicans the eight before that. But it’s not like you dumbasses will even admit it. I know you see it, you just ignore it.

So here, let me start pointing it out for you, assholes. On here is one of the three people you’re going to vote for in 2008, and love for the first two years, then become unsure of in the third and forth, and then reelect for 2012 and bitch about it like it wasn’t your fault, for the four years following. But don’t worry, because for 2016 someone better will run, right?


Hilary Clinton

According to Mrs. Clinton’s official site, she is considered “a champion for women.” That’s one big, bold fucking claim, concerning a woman who feels complacent and accepting of infidelity. Is this really someone we should consider a leader of women’s rights? “Hillary will continue her lifelong fight to ensure that all Americans are treated with respect and dignity.” If you don’t respect yourself, how can you fight for the respect of others? You can’t.

She also plans to “strengthen” the middle class if elected. “No American will be invisible to the president of the United States.” That’s a hell of a lot of propaganda, which is to be expected before the election. But come on, are we really that fucking stupid? First of all, the working class will always be invisible. That’s what capitalism is. If you take away the lower and upper classes, what do you have? Communism. America is what it is because the middle class is invisible. So I’m not sure where she’s going with this. And second, technically she’s right about no one being invisible, that is, until she’s elected. She needs your votes. So there is a bit of truth to it.

Of course, we also can’t forget the stance on the war in Iraq. Just like the other two democrats on this list, she’s using the dissatisfaction with the current course of our “war on terror” to her advantage. In truth, none of them could give a fuck about what’s really going on or how we feel, but that doesn’t mean they can’t pretend. Maybe you just keep voting because you’re hoping for the day that what you think is lies will turn out to have at least a small bit of truth.

Verdict: A weak role model and loves a good ruse.


Barack Obama

A Kenyan goat herder. A man born into honest work can’t be another lying politician, can he? Well, he’s definitely got a lot of good shit on his side to say he isn’t: fighting against poverty for so many years and Darfur. But take a look at his issues. It might just be me, but if I didn’t know otherwise, I’d say he was a fucking republican in sheep’s clothing.

First, we have “Senator Obama has fought to strengthen America's position in the world... preventing the spread of weapons of mass destruction.” I think we’ve all had enough of American imperialism. But then I guess he knows that too, which is why, ironically enough, “before the war in Iraq ever started, Senator Obama said that it was wrong in its conception.” So which is it then? Is he actually just like Bush, but still needs our votes, or is he just a fucking moron?

“Barack Obama has been a leader in fighting for open and honest government.” Well, he’s off to a good fucking start. But what the hell does that mean anyway? It’s a complete contradiction in itself. I mean, is he planning on rising up and destroying the government from the inside and completely changing everything, or is he just the first politician to feed us a shovel-full of bullshit because it’s exactly what we want to hear? Neither. The real answer is: you’re fucking dense.

Verdict: A republican who wears a lot of blue.


John Edwards

All of the democratic issues are the exact same this time around, which isn’t surprising: withdrawing from Iraq, getting proper care for veterans, good health care and insurance, Darfur, global warming, and helping the middle class. John Edwards is no different. But one thing that stands out with him among the other douchebags is Edwards is “personally committed to the cause of poverty.” “Edwards has outlined an ambitious agenda to eliminate poverty within a generation.” What the fuck? Alright, this is somewhat similar to Hilary’s fight for the middle class, but this takes all of that to a whole new level. While I wasn’t completely sure of her intentions, Edwards comes right the fuck out and says it. If the guy’s not a socialist, then I guess I don’t know what socialism is. “Eliminate poverty?” It’s not even possible. And are there really people out there dumb enough to believe it is?

“Edwards will restore our energy independence by asking Americans to be patriotic about something other than war and building a new energy economy based on clean renewable energy and energy efficiency.” Holy shit. Wake the fuck up. Ninety-seven percent of Americans are too selfish to care about the future of this planet or what kind of world their children will live in. The other three percent are free-love, dope fiend hippies. Those are real statistics.

Of course, just like all of the rest, Edwards plans on pulling out troops in Iraq: 50,000 to 60,000 and then all of them within a year because “America's image overseas has been tarnished by the war in Iraq.” I’m sure something like this will really happen, because Americans would staple the president’s balls (and yes, I think Hilary has balls) to their desk in the Oval Office if they didn’t. But mark my words, it won’t be all. And if you think it’s the Iraq war that tarnished our name, then you don’t read American history.

Verdict: A dreamer who is completely fucking crazy.


So, since the republicans don't stand a motherfucking chance next time around, and these three are the more popular democrats, one of those pieces of shit are your next president. Good luck with that. There's a reason that their political icon is a jack-ass.

-Coming next: Part II: Republicans.

What's in a name?

I was recently sent a link by “The Beardman” to a report on a couple, Pat and Sheena Wheaton, from New Zealand, who wanted to name their newborn “4real.” The country denied the couple the name, and said that they wouldn’t allow it because of the use of a digit beginning the name.

"For most of us, when we try to figure out what our names mean, we have to look it up in a babies book and ... there's no direct link between the meaning and the name," Pat Wheaton told TV One. "With this name, everyone knows what it means." Of course it does, shit-for-brains. Now everyone knows that there’s two people in New Zealand that should be dragged into the street and flogged by big fucking clubs with bent, rusty nails.

New Zealand law states that all children must be registered with the Births, Deaths and Marriages registry within two months of the birth, and if no compromise has been reached by July 9th, the baby’s name will be registered as "real." God, I fucking hope so. So, speaking of “real,” here’s a real list of names given to kids in America within the last few years:

Stalin (bet that kid gets beat the fuck up a lot)
Infinite (stupidity, not choices)
Stallone
Godly (his parents are going to Hell, most definitely)
Truth
Hey (that's right, cut through the b.s. and make a greeting their name)
Abyss (means hollow or empty, great celebrity name)
Dwarf
Charm
Dweezil (same as Stalin, only for the rest of his life)
Sunshine
Confession
As-Matik (oh, that’s fucking clever)
Chevette
Sparkle
Unique (many cases for boys and girls, ironically enough)
Virgin ($10 says she’s the first to lose it in her class)
Prince (so now there’s two girls with this name)
ZC
Chaos (you stupid fucking goths)
Sin
Moon Unit
Tall
Choice (maybe her parents should have been Pro-Choice)
Beautiphul
Boat (at least it wasn’t Whale)
Albert (a girl named Albert, sexy)
Galaxy
Satan (that's fucking original...)
Nada
Final
Destiny (probably going fucking nowhere)
Latrina (“Yeah, it used to be shithouse.” “Good change, it’s a good change.”)
Aquanetta
Velshita (cheese commentary)
Beeger
NyQuell (good beverage, not a good name)
Cocaine
Skeeter Head
Bestiality (holy fuck...)
Q-bert
Rosie Thorn (aka High-Maintenance Bitch)
Bridge (everyone’s been on top of her once or twice)
Hitler (I take back Stalin and Dweezil, this kid will live a very short life)
Jihad (seriously has to suck right now...)
Random

Not to mention the stories spread around about kids being named things like Clamidia, Syphillis, Gonorrhea, Urine, and Vagina. There is even one case in New York of a Knight Sir Lancelot. Yeah, 4real.

And of course the infamous celebrity kids’ names like: Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow), Speck (John Mellencamp), Phinnaeus (Julia Roberts), Kal-El (yes, Nic Cage named his kid fucking Superman), Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee), Audio Science (Shannyn Sossamon), Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson), and the greatest one of all...Bono’s son, Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q. I swear to fucking God I didn’t make that up.

The future of our nation sure does look bright, doesn’t it? How does Senator Skeeter Head sound, or President Moon Unit? Or how about July’s Playboy pin-up, Albert? It sounds fucking awesome. I’m a bit partial to Velshita though. That one’s very classy.


-Coming next: I’ll give you some reasons not to vote in the next presidential election (here’s a hint: all of the reasons are people’s names).

Sweet home Indiana.

I just realized something new today. Indiana really, completely, truly fucking sucks. Oh, wait. That's not new. That's not new at all. My apologies.

On second though: Fuck Indiana. If it was on the edge of the map, we'd all jump off and kick it away out to sea. There's so much corn in this state that it makes my comparing it to a turd with chunks of corn way too fucking easy.

Shat's the shit.

See that man over there to the right? That man is the shit, and yet, all he gets from you is shit. That is Captain James T. Kirk, you selfish, unworthy cockstain. I hope you’re on your hands and knees right now, because he is watching you through this fucking picture.

This is the same Kirk that beat the unbeatable Kobayashi Maru mission in the Academy by telling them to stick it and cheating like a real man, way back in 2254 (has it been that long?). The same Kirk that went back in time to the 1930s Great Depression through a talking time portal called the “Guardian of Forever” to change back the timeline after an ODing Dr. McCoy jumped through, altered the past, and fucked everything up, who whined like the bitch that he was. This is the same motherfucker that volunteered to repair a section of a ship that wasn’t his after an accident he didn’t cause and getting caught in a red-ribbon time nexus allowing him to live until 2371 when Captain Picard came and pulled his ass out of the pretty dreamland to fight against some space redneck with delusions of grandeur who thought he had to blow up a star to jump into the same fairytale world these two tough bastards had already fucking done, without even trying nonetheless. What a fucking douche.

Kirk had the brawn, he had the brains, and he got all of the alien honeys you only dream of when you’re masturbating in your sister’s bedroom with Woolfie keeping you company. His sweatshirt-muscled machine guns were so chiseled that he knocked out teeth just from the wind of his short fell swings. Kirk also got every hot piece of tail from here to Rura Penthe. Hell, I’ll even bet he fucked your mom on shore leave. You might even be Shat’s seed. Ha! That’s a fucking laugh, you pansy piece of shit. You’re no ass-handing, tail-tagging, starship captain’s heir to the throne of all that is sacred and was never put in the Bible.

I think you’re just fucking jealous. You’re just a fucking Jerkins loving nerd who probably watched Deep Space Nine, ass clown. I’ll bet you knew everything I said about Captain James T. God before I even said it, didn’t you, pimpled pervert. You’re so fucking pathetic. Here, I think Jim said it best when he said, “Let them die!” Fuck yes, Jim, fuck yes.

Darwin kicked simian ass!

Okay, so maybe I was a little harsh on Chuck. In all honesty, the man was right. I can’t deny pure scientific evidence. The facts are there. Maybe I was just looking for someone to blame. Chuck doesn’t deserve that though. I agree that evolution does exist, or did at least. See, that’s the problem. I think Darwin was really onto something there. And for quite a while, he was right. But he’s not anymore.

After spending too many fucking years of being surrounded by beer-bellied, wife beating, too-extremely-homophobic-to-not-be-gay hillbillies, I've advanced upon Darwin’s original observations and ideas with a little something I like to call The Theory of Regression. So get that Nobel ready, bitches. Sorry, Chuck, we're just not as smart as you thought. What did you expect from a bunch of fucking shit-throwing apes? A fucking mess is what I'd say.

A guide to modern American culture, part II.

I would love to say American culture is still apple pie, baseball, and honest appreciation for the American flag, but I’d be lying if I did. Hell, maybe 50 years ago I would have been lying too. But I’m here to help you connect to modern American culture in the second half of this guide. Here are three final tips:

5. Hollywood Owns Your Soul and You’re Paying Them to Keep It

Hollywood and the American Judicial System, they just love blowing each other. Hell, they even do it right in public, standing in front of a big-ass sign that says “Suck me off for reduced jail time!” But in all honesty, that doesn’t really get to me as much as it should. After all, that’s all America even cares about: money. It’s you assholes that give them the power to do as they please. It’s your fault Paris will come out of jail thinking she actually went to jail. It’s your fault that dolts like Anna Nicole Smith get any attention at all (the coke-whore is dead, get over it).

And you know what? You murdered Princess Diana. Sure, we all know how the paparazzi followed her into the tunnel, but why were they following her? Because of you. Stop buying all of those stupid magazines they tell you how to dress because Lindsey Lohan wears it, or how many thousands of babies Angelina Jolie plans on adopting in the next twenty years, or where Tom Cruise went for a walk last Thursday, or whether or not Britney will hook back up with whatever the fuck his name is. Stop hating them for having money as you hand them your fucking paycheck. Stop using them as scapegoats for the fact that you’re a giant piece of shit that the world can’t seem to flush down. Or you can keep buying those magazines that tell you you’re fat and then you can go bitch about it to your friends and talk about how all men care about is tits and good looks. At least you have a grip on reality, which brings me to tip #6:

6. Reality TV is Only as Real as Those Who Watch

Thank you, Real World, thank you. MTV will stop at nothing in their global pursuit to conquer and destroy the minds of children. Guess what? To get my fucking point across, I’m going to try to list as many fucking reality shows made since the start of Real World as I can, or until I get sick of typing. I just hope I don’t run out of room on the blog. There’s no particular order, due to the fact that I don’t give a fuck about making this any easier:

Road Rules, Lacuna Beach, The Osbournes, Newlyweds, The Surreal Life, Hogan Knows Best, Celebrity Fit Club, Strange Love, Flavor of Love, My Fair Brady, Breaking Bonaduce, Celebrity Paranormal Project, I Love New York, Temptation Island, The 1900 House, Big Brother, Big Brother VIP, Celebrity Big Brother, Survivor, Survivor All-Stars, Dancing with the Stars, Project Greenlight, The Biggest Loser, Making the Band, The Simple Life, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette,The Apprentice, America’s Next Top Model, Nashville Star, Hell’s Kitchen, Project Runway, Rock Star, The Club, The Big Break, The Contender, The Ultimate Fighter, Changing Rooms, Trading Spaces, The Swan, Extreme Makeover, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Supernanny, Made, What Not to Wear, Pimp My Ride, Overhaulin’, Blind Date, Scare Tactics, Punk’d, The Joe Schmo Show, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, Space Cadets, Invasion Iowa, Joe Millionaire, Boy Meets Boy, Pop Idol, The Restaurant, The Hills, The Amazing Race, Fear Factor, American Chopper, The First 48, Bands on the Run, Star Search, America’s Got Talent, Celebrity Duets, The Real Gilligan’s Island, Top Chef, Treasure Hunters, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, The Scholar, 30 Days, Age of Love, Adventures in Hollywood, Mindfreak, Crowned, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Dirty Dancing, Breaking Up, Beauty and the Geek, American Princess, America’s Top Cowboy, Celebrity Poker, Ghost Hunters, Family Jewels, House of Carters, Identity, Kid Nation, Last Comic Standing, Poker Royale, Shooting Sizemore, So You Think You Can Dance?, Solitary, Sons of Hollywood, The Agency, Starting Over, The Girls Next Door, The Million Dollar Idea, Bridezilla, The Next Big Thing, The Real Housewives, Trick My Truck, Who’s Your Daddy?, Wife Swap, The Singing Bee, The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll, The Search for the Next Great American Band, Ex-Wives Club, The X Effect, Yo Momma, the two new Who Wants to be a Superhero? and Pirate Master, and of course I could never forget American Idol, the only reason some people haven’t hung themselves from a fifth floor balcony yet.

That’s the list. For those of you that just passed over it, there’s 114 shows including Real World. I definitely missed a lot of shitty shows that were actually worse than those listed, but then again, they’re all complete shit. Also, if you want to dispute whether a certain show is actually reality TV, don’t. By watching these shows you’ve lost your sense of reality, and so therefore are no longer any sort of authority on the subject. I could keep going with this, but it’s all been said before and I think the list speaks for itself.

7. *[[~i WHent 2 pUblek Skooole && im KEwL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~]]*

American kids are fucking stupid. In all seriousness, I can probably just leave this section at that, but I'll elaborate since most people are too shallow or too chicken shit to admit it. As if MTV, Seventeen, American Idol, Disney, and the kids’ parents weren’t enough, the shitholes that they spend seven hours a day, five days a week in are probably their biggest deterrents to leading happy lives. But it does prepare them for real life, as an adult. To get kids to this point of preparation they need to destroy free will and creativity, encourage them to overcome faults and minor shortcomings by harassment, instill good values like segregation, favoritism, and idolatry, and teach them our history the way it really happened, from their point of view. If it wasn’t for public school, America wouldn’t be this bright beacon of hope for the rest of the world.

But how stupid are these kids really? These are the same pricks that never grow up and let their kids act the same fucking way. The same bitches that go out drinking with the twenty-something whores that she calls friends while her three month old kid is being taken care of by a forty-year old grandma. These are the same assholes that use “leet” talk and spell “hacker” as “hax0r” while trying to pretend that they know what the word actually means. They’re also the same stupid fucks that think writing a series of 0’s and 1’s means that they understand binary. Know what it really means? It means that they're telling you that if you were to multiply the entire series of numbers, the sum would be their level of I.Q. They’re no different than gangstas with their ghetto bullshit, rednecks and their erosion of English, or yuppies that think they understand English. I sucked at math in school, but I’m still certain that you can only count to 1337 and that it’s not just one word when said. How in the fuck do bus driver's keep themselves from beating these little bastards. I'm going to start a committee to raise funds for each school bus to be able to have a baseball bat tucked away behind the driver's seat.

So how do you feel? Do you feel more American? Not sure? Well, here, I’ll help you out. If you love all-you-can-eat buffets, are too lazy to make your marriage last but keep starting new ones, take any kind of drug advertised on TV, bitch about gas prices and do nothing about it, masturbate to Orlando Bloom because he’s pretty (male) or because he’s “sensitive” (female), buy magazines for beauty tips or “star status”, vote republican or vote democrat, believe the reality show you watch is better than all the rest, and if you went to public school and feel proud, then it’s definitely safe to say that you’re an “honest-to-God”, Starbucks-lovin’, good-hearted American who appreciates this great dosage of freedom our soldiers are fighting for. I do find it a little funny though, that we found freedom over 200 years ago on our own soil and yet we keep losing it and it always seems to turn up in odd places, specifically the Middle East and Eurasia. Once this little fight for freedom is over we need to grab hold of that son of a bitch and not let go this time. Freedom must be about as slippery as a bar of soap in the shower. But it sure smells good when you do have a hold of it and you’re all lathered up, doesn’t it? Fucking morons.

A guide to modern American culture, part I.

The first part of this guide features four easy tips to be more American. Maybe you’re not American enough, and need a little help getting there. Then this guide is for you:

1. If You Run Out of Food, Just Eat Your Own Fat Ass

On the topic of obesity, Wikipedia says, “In its simplest conception, obesity is only made possible when the lifetime energy intake exceeds lifetime energy expenditure by more than it does for individuals of ‘normal weight’.” Basically what that means is stopping fucking eating. When you feel yourself getting full, you’re body isn’t making a suggestion. It’s telling your fat fucking ass to close your fat fucking mouth. Going on a binge isn’t like a running a marathon, except for the fact that it’s just plain stupid. But it’s not a challenge. If you think it’s some kind of fun competition or feat you can prove to your dumbass friends, well, then 127 million other Americans are doing it too. You’re not original, and you’re not badass, you’re just fucking stupid and leave a slight taste of vomit in the mouths of people around you. Put down the fucking porkchop and take a breath. Overweight men and women should know their damn boundaries. That means showing any inch of skin except your hands, face, and three necks is unacceptable. I hope the next fat bitch in a bikini gets diabetes.

2. If Shit Gets Hard, Just Quit

The United States has a divorce rate of 50% for first-time marriages and even higher for second and third. If that’s not pathetic enough, the United States has the highest divorce rate in the entire world, even almost doubling the second, Mexico. Only Americans could fuck up something as sacred as marriage, which is predated before recorded history. Probably the most interesting is the statistics based on women filing for divorce instead of men. According to the American Law and Economics Review, “Women currently file slightly more than two-thirds of divorce cases in the US,” and “Evidence is given that among college-educated couples, the divorce filing rate by women approaches 90%.” Ninety fucking percent? What could cause a twenty-something woman to come to that point? Well, this is what Rebekah Hass, a writer for Associated Content and a woman, has to say about it:

“I believe lack of commitment is the major American reason for getting divorced. Couples of past generations seem to have understood commitment so much better. I am always amazed when I read the stories of World War II brides who married after knowing their fiancée for only a few days, weeks, or months-then went on to spend fifty or more years together. It couldn't have all been a ‘bed of roses.’ These couples understood commitment."

The dictionary defines commitment as: “The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons.” Rebekah also states that another reason for divorce by lazy fucking Americans is "an inability to work through difficulties. When the going gets tough, Americans tend to quit. It is easier to just walk away than to work through the problems." With so many divorces, and multiple divorces as well, what kind of effect is that having on children and teenagers? Showing a lack of interest in solving problems and keeping promises surely carries over to the youth. Not only that, it makes people believe love is something it’s not, and that it's not worth working for. So why do Americans misinterpret love and what it really means?

"Unfortunately, Americans base their views on what love is primarily from what they see in the movies or on television, or read in a novel. Love according to these sources is that special, heart-throbbing feeling that you get from just seeing someone or hearing their voice. Almost every couple will experience these feelings, especially when they are first dating. For many U.S. couples, when the ‘feelings’ fade away and the reality of actually living with and being committed to someone with all their faults and failures sinks in, that's when the marriage dies. The individuals move on to the next ‘exciting’ person who comes along, until they ‘feel’ like they are ‘in love’ again."

Update 05/27/07: Here's some more information to help tie this all together. According to Marriages, Families & Intimate Relationships, "Married adults now divorce two-and-a-half times as often as adults did 20 years ago and four times as often as they did 50 years ago," and "Perhaps 25% of children ages 16 and under live with a stepparent." The main purpose of this second section was to point out not only how fake Americans are when it comes to emotions, but to also show how this destroys families. Face it, family life in America is a joke. No, it's not a silly little punch line. It's actually fucking pathetic. Americans are spoiled, selfish, pretentious, artificial assholes. Then again, maybe the fact that our country is embarrassing to the rest of the world isn't actually our own fault. Maybe it's karma, and we just fucking deserve it.

3. The Pill-Popping Placebo Effect

This one's for the junkies. And by junkies, I mean your minivan-driving soccermom, your grouchy, senile grandpa, and your fake-ass high school guidance counselor. These are the people that buy opium and the chronic off commercials. And fuck me, is there a lot of commercials. Hey, your T.V. has never lied to you, right? You dim fucks believe every little thing that you read in books and hear from doctors. They tell you what you want to hear and you give them the money they want to have. Medicine = Business, you stupid bastards. There is no such thing as non-profit in America. It's because of a little thing called capitalism. Doctors, surgeons, nurses, dentists, therapists, they're all there for a fucking paycheck. You know that sweet, old lady who offers you a lollipop while you wait for the doctor? She's just passing the time until payday. Is that wrong? Fuck no. But does that make your hospital any less of a corporation? Once again, no.

Everyone seems to have a fucking disorder today: ADD, bipolar, depression, insomnia, anxiety, impotence. The only pills I don't see are probably the only ones they need. Will they ever try to cure naivety? Probably not, they'll just stick to depressants like Lunesta, Ambien, and Valium; antidepressants like Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, and Zyban; and cock pills like Viagra, Levitra, and Enzyte (eat shit, Bob). Of course, we can’t forget the be-all, end-all Ritalin, which no child should be without, because before video games and T.V. children never acted like that. You gullible fucks are all so doped up with bottled happiness and joy tablets that you don't know what's real and what's not anymore. Welcome to 1984, assholes.

Some other commercials I'm getting sick of seeing are these fucking herpes pills, like Valtrex. I can see how this is needed though, since the U.S. is full of so many stupid whores. I also wonder if this relates to the divorce statistics and lack of commitment in some way. I'm sure there are some that fit into both categories, so it's too bad you never understood commitment because now that virus is definitely committed to you. I’m also tired of these speed junkies and their diet pills, like Zantrex 3. “Yes!” You fat fucks will never be runway models, just obese, pathetic junkies.

4. Pumping Gas and Kicking Ass

Alright, the 15th came and went. I’m not a big conspiracy nut and part of me didn’t really think it would change much. But I didn’t fill up, trying to do my part. A few days later and the price skyrockets another thirty cents, bringing the local price to around $3.49-$3.59, and the Indiana average to $3.39, the highest average for Indiana ever recorded. That’s an awfully suspicious coincidence, or not. Regardless, this is bullshit. I never join in when people bitch and moan about gas going up three, seven, or ten cents. I don’t talk about the weather, or the news, and I don’t talk about saving nineteen cents by driving to the other side of town. But when a gallon is pushing four dollars, I start thinking of things that would probably get me in a shitload of trouble.

I’ve thought about it, and I’ve come up with a new thing to try. Statistics proved big oil wouldn’t and didn’t lose much at all on the 15th. So instead of no one in the United States pumping gas on one day, how about everyone in the United States pumping a full tank of gas and not paying? Imagine it, the whole nation doing a “pump and run.” The police couldn’t arrest us all. And while not giving them business for a day seems like it would work, stealing gas from them would hurt them much worse and it would make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that I did such a noble thing. I can see the headlines: “Pump and Run: A Nation United" and this could be the picture on the front: