Was Jerry really Jesus?

Well, you heard it here first, folks: Jerry was not Jesus. The morning came and there was no news of his rising back from the dead on CNN, FOX, or the Weather Channel (I was expecting the sky to fall if he did). And his corpse is not missing, but in actuality, is still being prepped to rot for eternity in dirt with the worms.

Donations for Jerry and his family or the Liberty University should be made in the form of blank checks and then dropped off at my house. And don't worry about the amount on the check, I'm sure God will tell me what is appropriate. Right, Jerry? *Sniff* I think I smell something burning...

Update 05/19/07: Damn, just when I thought I was through wasting my breath on this son of a bitch, I stumbled across more things he said here:
http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2007/05/jerry_falwell_q.html

The first one about prostitutes is actually kind of funny, but the rest just piss me off...

“Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions.”

“Textbooks are Soviet propaganda.”

“It appears that America's anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men's movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening.”

But instead of getting angry, Jerry, I know what you deserve instead. I'm going to forget you. If someone mentions your name around me again, I'm going to act like I've never heard of you. Maybe eventually I'll be telling the truth, and maybe if enough people do the same, you will be forgotten forever. Goodbye, you cunt.

Jerry gently passes away.

Jerry Falwell was found unconscious by his colleague, Ron Godwin, in his office around 10:45 a.m. on Tuesday after they had breakfast together. He later died at Lynchburg General Hospital after CPR was unsuccessful. It’s so sad. That is not how this man should have died. I can't believe no one had the balls to step up to the plate and take a swing at this piece of shit. He should have gone out crying like a bitch and gurgling his own blood. How this fucker made it to 73, I will never understand.

For a little bit of information on who Jerry was, let’s see what his self-founded Liberty University had to say about him:

“Falwell was not particularly religious until his sophomore year of college in 1952, when Falwell said he underwent a religious conversion. Instead of accepting an offer to play professional baseball with the St. Louis Cardinals, he transferred to the Baptist Bible College in Springfield, Mo.”

He turned down professional baseball? Religious conversion, my ass. I’ll bet he was just too chicken shit to take the chance of getting his ass handed to him in the big leagues.

“Four years later, Falwell returned to Lynchburg, where he founded Thomas Road Baptist Church, which started with 35 members. Today, the church has 24,000 members and the annual revenues of all of his ministries total more than $200 million.”

Holy fuck! No wonder he didn’t play baseball. There’s just not enough money in professional sports to support a man and his family anymore. No, for that you need religion.

I think Jerry thought he was Jesus. He once said the Bible was "the inerrant Word of God, and totally accurate in all respects." Jerry also said that the Antichrist would be a male Jew who may already be alive. Jesus, Jerry, could you say anything worse for yourself? Of course you could. After September 11th, Jerry claimed gays and feminists were to blame by incurring the wrath of God.

And no porn, Jerry? You apparently wanted to judge everything and everyone except the Bible. Come on, Jerry, it's just porn. You may have enjoyed doing it, but I just can't bring myself to jerk off to any of the chapters in "Exodus."

Jerry was one stupid bastard, and just like a brain-damaged little kid who licks the frost in a freezer, Jerry just kept coming back for more. He once said, “I do question the sincerity and non-violent intentions of some civil rights leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Mr. James Farmer, and others, who are known to have left wing associations,” and "Labor unions should study and read the Bible instead of asking for more money. When people get right with God, they are better workers." Maybe Jerry died choking on some of his own words. Or maybe God just got sick of Jerry speaking for Him, and finally told Jerry what He really thought with a big fucking lightning bolt.

Like I said, I think Jerry thought he was Jesus, but I think a lot of other people did too. Well, we all remember Jesus rose from the dead three days later. So I guess we’ll see if Jerry finds his way back tomorrow. If he does, then I'll admit I was wrong, and Jerry will be my true lord and savior. I promise.

But for now, I hope you packed some sunscreen, Jerry, because I hear Hell is pretty hot this time of year. So long, motherfucker.