A zombie film guide, part 4 (of 4).

Here’s the fourth and final part of the zombie movie list. This time around I’ve got sequels, a few unknowns, and cult classics that no zombie list should be without. I even managed to make it to an even forty movies, which I didn’t think I’d get. There’s a couple I’ve downloaded but haven’t watched and a few I still would like to find, so I may end up making a fifth addition later, but for now, here is the rest of every undead movie I can recall ever watching.


House of the Dead 2 (2005)

A virus lets loose on a college campus, and a special ops team isn't sent in until about 30 days later. Somehow the zombies created from this virus never seem to venture off campus, probably because they're still waiting for their classes to resume. This is the sequel to Uwe Boll's masterpiece, but since he's not behind this one, it's actually a bit better. Just a bit. The characters are still plain and 2-dimensional, with the only exception really being the main female lead, though still nothing spectacular. The action is par, but the whole film takes place at night and begins to wear on you, since everything just looks too dark. But you can't expect much from a made-for-TV movie. All in all, it's better than it's predecessor, but still crap.

Best line: I don't remember any and I can't find a single quote anywhere. So, none.

Re-Animator (1985)

Jeffrey Combs (the crazy FBI agent from The Frighteners) stars as Howard West in this H. P. Lovecraft-inspired horror about a medical student assisting West in reanimating the dead. I've put this cult classic off for years until just the other night. It's campy, cheesy, and filled with so much damn blood that I'm amazed it's an 80's movie. It really surprised me at how much I like it. Some of it doesn't really make sense (like a severed head that's still able to talk separated from its body), but it's meant to be silly like that. Some of the lines are hilarious and well timed, and the make-up is pretty damn good. I can see why this movie has such a huge following. There are two sequels to Re-Animator, which I'll have to check out later. I'm glad I finally watched this one.

Best line: "You steal the secret of life and death, and here you are trysting with a bubble-headed coed."

Braindead - Dead Alive (1992)

"A young man's mother is bitten by a Sumatran rat-monkey. She gets sick and dies, at which time she comes back to life, killing and eating dogs, nurses, friends, and neighbors." It's hard to believe this is Peter Jackson, the man who brought you The Lord of the Rings trilogy, but it is. It's hands down the goriest and most disgusting movie I have ever had the pleasure of viewing. That's no exaggeration either. It's sick. Actually, the zombie game Dead Rising took inspiration from Braindead, because in the end the main character holds up a lawn mower and hacks up tons of zombies. It's gruesome. Braindead is technically a horror/comedy in the same style as Re-Animator and many others on the list, but I can't say I've seen anything much like it. It's low budget obviously, and one of the funniest parts is the Sumatran rat-monkey, that looks like complete shit. It's so cheep that it cracked me up. I can't see too many people appreciating this movie like I do.

Best line: "I kick ass for the Lord!"

Wicked Little Things (2006)

A widow and her two daughters inherit a house from her late husband up in the mountains near a mine, where kids used to work and were all killed. Now the zombie kids are back for blood. Despite the film being beautifully shot, especially the opening of the kids in 1913, tinted in black and amber, the movie was stale. I predicted the plot and the actions of the characters with ease, and it never once surprised me. It's definitely not as bad as some of the crap already on this list, but it's never good. I'm not really sure that these kids are zombies, though they call them that in the movie. They are undead though, and eat the people that they kill, so that means they aren't ghosts. I guess that makes them zombies. Overall, a boring flick with wasted cinematography. The trailer sucks, but it's the only one I could find. Sorry.

Best line: "Run." "What?" "Run." "Where?" "With me, RUN!"

Night of the Creeps (1986)

A cult 80's horror movie about alien parasites that take control of a person, turning them into a zombie, taking place at a college university. I'm not really sure why this one is so popular. It blows. It has its moments or humor, though sparse, and it's never all that terrible. But it suffers from too many clichés and I can't really tell if they took it too seriously or not. I hate movies like that, when it seems like the crew thought they were actually making a good film, when they weren't. I found this movie to be too slow and boring, until the last fifteen minutes or so. And the make-up and props, like severed heads, or just horrible. It's the true definition of a B-movie.

Best line: "Detective, other than confessing to a murder, is there a point to this conversation?"

Outpost (2008)

Starring Ray Stevenson (the new Punisher), a scientist hires a group of mercenaries to take him to an abandoned bunker in Europe, that turns out to be an old Nazi bunker. Apparently, the Nazis built a machine called a field generator that allowed them to turn a troop of soldiers immortal, existing within this field and enabling them to come and go at will. It's better explained in the movie, which is actually rooted well in science, but that's the basics. I just found out about this one the other day, and it sounded amazing. Nazi zombies. It doesn't get much better than that. To become immortal in this field, they had to kill all of the soldiers first. This is how they basically become zombies. At first, it sounded more like they were ghosts, but they're technically still somewhat alive and when they "take shape" they are real and can interact with objects at will. It's probably the most innovative zombie idea I've seen in years. The movie itself is beautifully shot and the actions scenes are great, but it's actually more of a scary movie than zombie shoot-em-up, and some of the scenes are creepy as hell. The best being the first time the forest lights up showing their silhouettes. Definitely a good low budget horror movie.

Best line: "See, the bright light...it ain't Heaven, son. It's just a muzzle flare."

Pet Semetary (1989)

Based on the Stephen King novel, the Creed family move into a new house in the country, near an old pet cemetery, that used to be an Indian burial ground. There's a curse on the land, and the family decides to bury their dead pet there. And it decides to come back. But it's not really alive anymore. Eventually people get buried there, including the Creed's little boy, Gage, which is one of the creepiest little kids in any movie, far surpassing these shitty Japanese horror knock-offs. This is one of the many good Stephen King adaptations, and still a creepy flick. The acting is great by everyone too, and like I said before, especially the little boy.

Best line: "Today is Thanksgiving day for cats. But only if they came back from the dead."

Pet Semetary II (1992)

The sequel to the Stephen King-based movie, this time starring a young Edward Furlong before he disappeared off the face of the Earth. It's basically the same ideas as the first, though nowhere near as entertaining or creepy, mainly because there was no novel to base it off of. It's been years since I've seen this, so I can't fully remember it all, but it was average at best. There were a few scenes that came off a bit hokey, and this brought it down quite a bit. The acting was nowhere near as good either. Definitely not as good as the original.

Best line: "Drew, I know your dog died, but get a grip, man, you're freaking me out!"

Route 666 (2001)

Beneath Route 66, four prisoners were buried and then paved over. They come back as zombies. I vaguely recall this film and just remembered watching it the other day. I can't give a great review giving that I’ve forgotten most of it, but I can tell you that it was a shitty made-for-TV kind of movie and I don't even remember how it ends, or if I finished it at all. I do remember that the Feds kept firing hundreds of rounds, not taking down the zombies at all, and obviously it was quite profound, seeing as how I couldn't even find a trailer for it. I guess that says a lot in itself.

Best line: "Don't leave me here with Helen Keller and the Three Blind Mice! I am not safe with these guys!"

No trailer.

A zombie film guide, part 3 (of 4).

Here’s part 3 of the zombie marathon thing. This time, I’ve got a few horror/comedies, a few cult classics, and the famous Resident Evil series. This puts the list at thirty strong now. That’s a hell of a lot of zombie movies. Just one more part of the list left. I’ve got two or three hard to find flicks left to watch, then I’ll finish.


Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Shaun is probably one of the best comedies I've seen, plus it's about zombies, so it really couldn't get much better than that. At its core, it's basically a parody of zombie films, but it really is so much more. The story is simple: "a man decides to turn his moribund life around by winning back his ex-girlfriend, reconciling his relationship with his mother, and dealing with an entire community that has returned from the dead to eat the living." It stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, good friends in real life, and they're damned hilarious together (just like in Hot Fuzz). There are so many examples of great lines and witty dialog, some not so obvious. For example, Nick's character and a roommate get into a fight and he tells Shaun that the next time he sees him, "he's dead." And later on, he tries to attack him as a zombie. The whole movie is tight, and any fan of zombie movies should check it out, if you haven't already. Plus, Kate Ashfield is smoking hot, as seen above. "You've got red on you."

Best line: "As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "I" in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team...I don't know what he's talking about."

Fido (2006)

A kid's best friend is actually his family's pet zombie. The whole town has pet zombies in this future world/50's era. Something happened to cause everyone who dies to return from the dead. If you're rich enough, you can have a funeral (complete with a head coffin after it's severed). If not, you come back as a zombie pet controlled by a special collar. It's a horror/comedy, obviously. I kept forgetting to check this one out since I first heard of it back in 2005, and finally remembered a few weeks ago. I'm glad I did too. I never would have imagined stand-up comedian Billy Connolly taking a role without a single line, and yet, he's perfect for the part. Aside from the kid doing a good job too, Carrie-Anne Moss actually provided the best bits of humor in this one. I never pictured her as the comedy type, but she's actually better at this than drama. Go rent this.

Best line: "Bill, just because your father tried to eat you, does that mean we all have to be unhappy...forever?"

[Rec] (2007)

A TV reporter and a cameraman are following the fire department on their night shift. They answer a call from a lady who's trapped in her home, which happens to be an apartment building. When they arrive, it goes to shit. This is actually the film that unoriginal American Hollywood execs decided to remake and release last year, called Quarantine. It's not on my list, because I haven't seen it, nor intend to. Not because it's a remake. Because I heard that almost nothing is different, except gone are those annoying little words that they put at the bottom of the screen that I hate reading because I'm lazy. Nope, just this version, in Spanish. [Rec] was filmed from the cameraman's point of view, ie. Cloverfield and Blair Witch Project, and it's scary as hell. Seriously. It's definitely more of a modern horror than campy or sci-fi crap like Resident Evil. Dark hallways, creepy lighting, it's all there. Don't be a lazy, illiterate douchebag. Rent [Rec] instead of Quarantine. Foreign horror remakes are starting to give Disney a run for it's money on telling someone else's stories.

Best line: "What's your show called?" "While You're Asleep." "While You're Asleep? Then who watches it?"

The Evil Dead (1981)

Five friends take a little trip into the woods to stay at a cabin, and while there, they set loose demons and the undead. The first of Sam Raimi's cult classic trilogy, and just like the other two, it's good, campy fun. This was back in the day, when Raimi wasn't afraid of that R-rating and liked to get his hands a bit dirty. Back in the 80's, this was a good movie because it was cheesy and campy, but now it's just kind of crappy, which is also good, of course. It's still worth checking out, because this is where ass-kicking Ash got his start.

Best line: "I know now that my wife has become host to a Candarian demon. I fear that the only way to stop those possessed by the spirits of the book is through the act of...bodily dismemberment."

Evil Dead II (1987)

It's kind of a sequel, kind of a remake, kind of a retelling. Take your pick. Doesn't matter really. Ash escapes the crazy shit from the first movie, then...takes refuge in a different cabin with other people. No matter how you look at it though, the sequel is leagues greater than the original. The first movie desperately needed some humor. This one has it. Ash is starting to turn into the prick that he is in Army of Darkness. This movie also has a massive amount of blood compared to Evil Dead, though it’s extremely overdone for comic value. That's the reason that these are cult films. It's just not the general public's thing. But it's definitely mine.

Best line: "Hey, what do you say we have some champagne, huh, baby?" "Sure." "After all, I'm a man and you're a woman...at least last time I checked."

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! - Strippers vs. Zombies (2008)

Not to be confused with Zombie Strippers!, though not much different. Same old shit: a failed experiment goes wrong and ends up creating a bunch of zombies. Oh, and trust me, its as amazing as it's two titles. Some strippers, their friends, and others barricade themselves inside a strip club with the undead beating down the doors. There are no stars in this one. And no plot. The action is terrible. The dialog is the verbal equivalent of not wiping after you shit. One of the guys even "parodies" the infamous line from another shitty movie, Snakes on a Plane: "I'm sick of these motherfucking zombies in this motherfucking strip club." I like crappy movies. But I don't like movies that are so terrible that I can't even laugh. I just feel ashamed for downloading it, and watching it, and especially finishing it...

Best line: "Don't say another word, you fucker, or I swear to God I'll blow your pimp ass in half!"

Resident Evil (2002)

A global corporation accidentally releases the infamous "T-virus" in one of it's large underground facilities. Alice, confused and suffering memory loss, goes down into the building with a group of soldiers to kill zombies, or something like that. Resident Evil is based of a series of badass zombie video games, of which have nothing in common with the movies, save a big house at the opening...and zombies. But actually, this is the only Resident Evil that doesn't suck a hard one. It's all action and one liners, but at least it's all good. Milla Jovovich stars as Alice, playing the only role she knows how, which is always hit and miss, but works this time. Also playing a role she was apparently born into is Michelle Rodriguez. The action though, is actually very well done. This is really the only one of the three to see. I just read today that the fourth is announced, and will take place in Alaska. Brilliant. Because there are lots of people to turn into zombies in Alaska...

Best line: "Bitch wouldn't open the door, so I had to fry her."

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

Alice is out of the facility, supped-up with some secret serum, and is ready to hand Raccoon City a new one. But Umbrella has plans of their own: an eight-foot tall, bazooka carrying zombie Bigfoot named Nemesis...and he knows kung-fu. In this one, they decided to try pulling more stuff from the games, namely Nemesis (minus the karate) and Jill Valentine, who's hot but can't act. Just like the first one, the action is dead on, but unlike the first one, the dialog blows. Sometimes you'll hear those kinds of lines that make you squint because it was actually painful to watch and hard to imagine someone getting that kind of a job, and getting paid to write it. Anyway, it's a big step down from the first, but I wasn't expecting much. Its proof that a big Hollywood budget won't necessarily make your movie any better than Zombie Strippers! or House of the Dead.

Best line: "GTA, motherfucker! Oh, yeah! Ten points."

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

The survivors of Raccoon City are now traveling across the desert of Nevada hoping to reach Alaska, which makes sense from the standpoint of a story, but not a sequel. In keeping with the tradition, they introduce more characters from the game, who mean nothing, because they're bad actors portraying flat characters, who all like to get out at every stop on the ride just to get themselves killed. I can see the pattern here. The action gets better and better while the plot and dialog and reason for keeping this series going all begin to fade away. While I liked this one slightly better than the last, it's definitely not noteworthy, and the ending in itself is one of the most retarded things I've seen from a big summer blockbuster. And I've seen Independence Day.

Best line: "I knew your sister. She was a homicidal bitch."

Resident Evil: Degeneration (2008)

After the fans of the Resident Evil video games bitched enough, Capcom wised up and gave them a movie based off of the video games. A purely CGI flick starring characters Leon S. Kennedy and Claire Redfield, the story takes place some odd years after Resident Evil 4. It begins at an airport, with an outbreak of the T-virus, and the story starts taking some turns along the way. While I would have rather seen a live action version of this, I can't ignore the amazing CGI work done here. It's on par with the best, which is amazing considering it never got a theatrical release. The original voice actors reprise their roles from the games and since they've done this all before, they do a great job. The action is great. The dialog is never moronic. And the story is on par with the games. It really makes me wonder who thinks they know what the general public will like and not like. Maybe the same people that want to make a zombie movie in Alaska, or remake Oldboy, or make a movie about 2012.

Best line: "They aren't fast, we can get by them."

A zombie film guide, part 2 (of 4).

This time I've put together more classics and cult favorites, with a couple of remakes. I've featured all five of the great George A. Romero's creations, and the two remakes that followed. This will make it halfway through the list, making you that much more prepared for the necro-Armageddon, that I'm sure will happen any day now...hope will happen any day now:


Army of Darkness (1992)

Probably one of the most recognized cult horror movies. The third in the Evil Dead series, though technically more of a sequel to Evil Dead II. This time around, Ash is transported back in time to around 1300 to fend off the undead from King Arthur's castle. This is easily the best in the series, getting a much bigger budget, and best of all, features some much needed humor. This is where the movie succeeds. The best parts of the movie are the quips Ash spouts off to these confused people. To me, this is Sam Raimi's greatest flick, even better than his later Spider-Man trilogy. He should really stick with horror. Definitely the best of the three Evil Dead movies (which I'll review the other two later). Look for the director's cut instead of the theatrical release.

Best line: "Well, hello, Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you, pal. You ain't leadin' but two things right now: Jack and shit...and Jack left town."

Zombie Strippers! (2008)

Same old, same old. The story is: the government created a bio-virus thing to reanimate the dead to use them as soldiers, then it gets loose. It somehow ends up in a strip club, and that's where most of it takes place. Starring porn star Jenna Jameson, and a bunch more of them, this movie is bad. And not in a good way. It's really made more for teenage nerds, because it's not fun, just soft-core porn. You can tell from the lines spouted off by these morons that they tried way too hard to make a tongue-in-cheek movie, but it just makes you want to stab a knife into your ear. It sucks a hard one. Watch a horror movie or watch a porno. Leave this on the shelf.

Best line: "George W. Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president, taking Florida, which due to a glitch in the Jeb B voting terminals, tallied one single vote for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger. Bush's presidency was unanimously declared legally binding by the Supreme Court as well as "totally cool" by Supreme Justice Jenna Bush who subsequently set in motion another Supreme Kegger. Following the landslide victory, a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented. Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress, claiming it was "cramping his style." American Troops continue to be strung thin due to the still raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska."

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

This is where it all began. It's the one that started it all. It's kind of like the first one, that started biting and spreading the infection. A group of people hide from the living dead in a farmhouse. Even to this day, Living Dead stands the test of time. It's still creepy as hell, with the classic black and white adding to the scare. This flick frightened people to death back in the day, and though may seem a bit cheesy today, is pure nostalgia now. Actually, along with Dawn of the Dead, this movie features the best and most realistic cast. I'll give Romero tons of credit for his early work. He did some amazing, creative things. I just don't approve of how everyone believe he created the undead and is the final authority on the definition of a zombie. But it's not his fault people are ignorant. If anything, Mary Shelley created the first zombie. Anyway, if you haven't seen the original, check it out.

Best line: "Well...the television said that's the right thing to do."

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

This is the second in Romero's Dead series and the best, in my opinion. A group of people barricade themselves inside of a shopping mall after the outbreak starts to spread throughout the state. During its time, Dawn was incredibly gory and caused many people to become sick in theaters. Today, it doesn't really stand the test of time. But what does is the background social commentary, which Romero has always been known for. It's not as subtle as some claim, unless most people are just too stupid to pick up on it (which I fear may be the case), but at least it's not as preachy as his later works. Dawn is definitely one of the greats in the zombie movie fare. It's an essential to your DVD library.

Best line: "When there's no room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth."

Day of the Dead (1985)

An outfit of soldiers take refuge in a military bunker in a now overrun California. This is the third movie in the Romero series, and not quite up to par to its previous Dawn of the Dead. Here, we see zombies beginning to get "smarter" and Romero feeding us more of his philosophical views of humanity in the background. This time it's less about "are we really any different than they are?" and "do we deserve to be saved?" and more along the lines of "no matter how small of a civilization is left, power will corrupt." The intelligent dialog from the first two movies is gone, and now all we have left is a bunch of ignorant soldiers written by a man that thinks the word "fuck" said five hundred times adds to the shock value of his outdated gore make-up. No offense to Day lovers, but it's incredibly overrated. The zombie crocodile at the beginning was cool, but not enough to save the movie. It's average at best.

Best line: "We're bein' punished by the Creator. He visited a curse on us. Maybe He didn't want to see us blow ourselves up, put a big hole in the sky. Maybe He just wanted to show us He's still the Boss Man. Maybe He figure, we gettin' too big for our britches, tryin' to figure His shit out."

Land of the Dead (2005)

The last remnants of mankind live in and around a skyscraper in Pittsburgh (of all places) and sometimes venture out to surrounding towns to collect supplies. But one of the soldiers wants to live in the skyscraper, but Dennis Hopper won't let him. So, he steals a big truck and holds the building hostage, for five million dollars. Brilliant. This is the fourth movie in Romero's Dead series, and the absolute worst. Zombies distracted by fireworks, but not even so much as look up when flashlights are shown on them? There's poor acting and dialog, and it's insanely boring. Once again, we have zombies learning how to use knives and guns, only this time they're practically people. Romero's zombies have always been slow moving and decaying. A decaying brain doesn't learn anything. I guess most people miss this. Of course, this is all just Romero asking us if we're really any different than they are. Are the corporate clones sitting in cubicles any different than wooden zombies? Are we any better than they are? Are we going to stop paying for shitty movies with overinflated budgets and bad subliminal messages from a man running out of ideas? Guess not.

Best line: "How do you work this thing?" "It's just like a video game."

Diary of the Dead (2008)

This is about a group of film students, making a horror movie, traveling across the country after an outbreak of zombies. I have to give kudos to Romero for finally trying something different with his Dead movies, though Diary is too preachy for its own good. Just like Blair Witch, Cloverfield, and [REC], it's tries for that realistic effect of having people hold the camera, but where Diary fails is with unrealistic actions by clichéd 2-dimensional characters. I know that if my girlfriend was in another room, and she screamed, I wouldn't just stand there because I was waiting for the camera to charge. Unless I didn't like my girlfriend. Still, it's slightly better than Land of the Dead, though I guess that's not saying much. The Death of Death is an interesting concept, but wasn't explored as well as it could have been.

Best line: "Out there we're lunch. In here there is a steel reinforced panic room where we can sit and play Nintendo until this whole thing blows over."

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

A remake of Romero's Dawn, and a worthy one at that. Actually, I'm one of the few who feel that it surpasses the original. In Zach Snyder's version we have fast zombies, that they never call actually zombies, better acting, better violence, better dialog, improved characterization, less social commentary (because no one wants to listen to opinions on one man's perception of mankind's oversaturated violence while watching the most violent movie ever made), and the single greatest opening fifteen minutes to a horror movie...ever. Ever. I consider this movie to be equally as good as 28 Days Later, making those two the best zombie movies you can find. This movie is well loved by most horror fans, but it's still extremely underrated. If you haven't seen this yet, then I'm sure you'll be the first to die during the outbreak. And I won't feel sorry for you one bit, because I warned you.

Best line: "Hey, I'm sorry, excuse me...when you two fellas are done blowing each other, maybe Davy Crockett could tell us the deal here?"

Day of the Dead (2008)

Technically it's just a remake, and not a sequel of Zach Snyder's remake, which is the direction they should have gone in. Basically, it's the same old clichéd story: experiments gone wrong, and got loose, and the military steps in to quarantine the town and fight the infection. It starts at the hospital, which is actually the film's best scene and goes down hill from there, in both ways. There's a few minor stars, but their acting reeks, which doesn't get any help from the shitty script. The action is top notch, but the special effects are average. Once again, we have fast zombies, but now, apparently, they can crawl on ceilings and do back flips. One thing I did find interesting was giving the zombies some small memory of their former lives, making the prime example one of the soldiers being a vegetarian when he was alive, and having no interest in eating people once he turned. I don't think I've ever seen that before, good or bad.

Best line: "Why do white people always wanna split up?"

Slither (2006)

This horror/comedy has a lot of B-movie stars, and becoming-A-movie star Elizabeth Banks. It's a little like Undead, in the sense that it's more action and horror than comedy, but it's still there. Actually, most of the best lines come from the foul-mouthed town mayor. The story isn't very original, but it's not meant to be: alien slug-like creatures take control of the town, turning them into zombie-like creatures. To be honest, it's been a while since I've seen this one, and can't remember all of the details of the story. I do remember that it's just good, crappy fun. Like I said, the dialog is the best feature. I'll have to watch this one again.

Best line: "Where is the Mr. Pibb? I told your secretary to pack Mr. Pibb. It's the only Coke I like. Goddamn Brenda exploding like a water balloon, worms driving my friends around like they're goddamn skin-cars, people are spitting acid at me, turning you into cottage cheese, and now there's no fucking goddamn Mr. Pibb?"

A zombie film guide, part 1 (of 4).

I just had a massive zombie movie marathon weekend, watching about seven or eight that I hadn't seen before. So I was inspired to make a list. Here is part one of four of every zombie movie I've ever seen, with a small review and trailer for each. Each list will have 10 movies. I’ve got three more to watch before I finish part 4, which will put the total around 38 zombie movies. If you want to prepare for the coming zombie apocalypse, you'll need these as reference to continue your existence. You have everything here: slow zombies, fast zombies, virus-infected zombies, military experiment zombies, alien zombies, alien-created zombies, zombie pets, and even zombie sheep. These are in no particular order of preference. So, get your shotgun and machete, and get your fifth of whiskey, kick back, read some reviews, and prepare for the era of the undead:


Versus (2000)

The story isn't important. Trust me. As simple as it is, it's still confusing. But the basics are: an eternal prisoner escapes into a forest, that somehow resurrects the dead yakuza buried there, and his eternal evil twin has an eternal woman hostage, whom the prisoner loved in a former life, and they must battle. Yeah. But that was all just an excuse so that the filmmakers could make one of the most badass martial arts movies with no budget, and that's what it is. Most of these actors aren't actors. They're martial artists. You'll see shit that you couldn't do if you trained everyday for the next twenty years. And that's all this is meant to be: eye candy. It's all a fun ride, and easily the best low budget movie I own. One downside is that the zombies still use guns and knives, though they never technically call them zombies or explain why they are back from the dead (ie. evil spirits).

Best line: "You can't hit me! I have five hundred times faster reflexes than Mike Tyson!"

28 Days Later (2002)

This takes place in London, twenty-eight days after the initial out break occurs. Don't listen to Romero zombie elitists. Their argument is that a fast zombie isn't a zombie, and a zombie can't be "infected". It has to be undead. The problem is that Romero didn't create zombies, which they seem to believe. This is, in fact, arguably the best zombie movie to date. It's the most realistic, in the sense that it presents the idea that it could be a viral infection, and the characters are actually developed for a change, giving them intelligence enough to make logical decisions. You also can't ignore the fact that fifty infected people charging at you at top running speed isn't scary as hell. The suspense-filled last half an hour has yet to be topped in any zombie movie. This movie will prepare you for the coming zombie apocalypse better than almost any other.

Best line: "No, no. No, see this is a really shit idea. You know why? Because it's really obviously a shit idea."

28 Weeks Later (2007)

The follow-up to the amazing 28 Days Later takes place six months later. The U.S. Army steps in to help facilitate repopulating London, but, of course, it goes wrong. While this is slightly more of an action movie, the great suspense and horror established in the first movie still remains. Acting is still top notch, the story and dialog is still better than 95% of most horror, and you just can't go wrong with Rose Byrne. You can tell the production value is better than Days, and it pays off. You lose a little less of the characterization, but not much. It's barely a step down from its predecessor, and still well worth checking out. I look forward to the next one, if they still plan on making it.

Best line: "I don't see him, where is Fester Fuck nut?" "There, look, bald guy with his dick in hands on the 20th floor."

Automaton Transfusion (2006)

It's the usual. The military conducted experiments in a small town during Vietnam, to create soldiers that never tire or weaken. Then they got loose. Some teenagers band together and try to fight the undead. It was filmed in nine days and on around $10,000. And it shows. It's terrible. There are so many inconsistencies, such as zombies with super strength, and then some that can't knock down a door. As bad as the movie is, it was made by people who were probably film students and never took it too seriously. Which means goods things came about. I enjoyed the fact that they put almost every zombie movie cliché all into one movie: a group of four people - three guys and one girl, baseball bats, chainsaws, shotguns, parents turning and then attacking their kids, military experiments, hold up in a bar, hold up in a barn, hold up in a house in the woods, girls falling, jocks, nerds, cheerleaders, and a token black guy. The greatest scene? A zombie punches through a pregnant girls stomach, pulls out the fetus, then eats it.

Best line: "To be continued..."

Black Sheep (2006)

A man tries to genetically engineer his sheep in New Zealand. It goes wrong. That's about it on the story. But this is meant to be a horror/comedy, so you can't ask for much. Actually, I was looking forward to this movie for some time, thinking it might be on par with the likes of Shaun of the Dead or Undead. Unfortunately it wasn't. It could have been so much better. It still had its humorous scenes, but I think they tried too hard in some parts, and missed great opportunities in others. It's still worth the rental, but don't expect a great comedy.

Best line: "I thought you of all people would appreciate efforts to deconstruct the colonialist paternalistic agrarian hierarchy that disenfranchises the Tangata Whenua and erodes the natural resources of Aotearoa."

Aunt Rose (2005)

Three criminals hold up in a family's house, who they hold hostage, and kill a few. But they overlook one, sickly Aunt Rose, upstairs. After they off a few of the family, Rose "revives" them to wreck havoc on the criminals. This movie is abysmal. It's terrible. The acting is atrocious, borderline sinning. And the movie as a whole is so incredibly boring that your own suicide seems a bit adventurous. The only redeeming feature of all this? B-movie scream queen Raine Brown's pretty face graces this piece of shit...until she dies halfway through and becomes a zombie. Fortunately, this movie doesn't ever try to take itself seriously at all, so laughing at it is necessary to finish it, before you finish yourself.

Best line: None.

House of the Dead (2003)

Some teenagers go to an island for a rave party, and find zombies instead. This is the single worst film I can recall watching. I know people toss that around a lot, but I mean it when I say it. I've seen a movie where Santa Clause battles Martians, I've seen a movie were two giant snakes fight each other, and I've seen a movie where the devil tried to stop Christmas, and none of them were as bad as Uwe Boll fucking up an already shitty video game. The man has tainted everything he's ever touched, but his first is still his worst. This movie is so bad that it's offensive. This man needs assassinated, just for the sake of credibility to man. Worst of all, he firmly believes his works are art. It would be like Ed Gein saying he was just trying to do some good in the world. The dialog is the best part though. I really can't even tell if it was written intentionally bad or not, as seen below:

Best line: "You did all this to become immortal. Why?" "To live forever!"

Dead & Breakfast (2004)

A group of friends, on their way to a wedding, get lost and stay at an inn. The innkeeper has a special box that can resurrect the dead, using an evil spirit. It can't really decide if it wants to be a zombie flick or a slasher flick or a comedy. Sometimes it's not any of those three, and it's just boring. Definitely the highlights are the interspersed scenes of the band Zacharia and the Lobos Riders, a creation of lead singer Zach Selwyn, occasional anchor on G4's Attack of the Show. It's folk/rock with witty lyrics, and they easily steal the show. Actually, his band is playing in a barn, and they even become zombies themselves. The movie itself has its humor, and the gore and action is actually well done, even feature my favorite horror cliché (started by Carrie and perfected with The Descent) of an enraged blond chick somehow being covered in a massive amount of blood and kicking ass.

Best line: "Had I known it was going to feel this good to bash your brains in, I would have done it a long time ago."

Undead (2003)

A fishing village in Australia is overrun by zombies, and an ex-fisherman who encountered a zombie fish a few years ago has stocked up and trained for the coming zombie invasion. This is a horror/comedy and one of the few that got it right. It's more action than Shaun of the Dead, but still funny as hell. You've got a lot of the mainstream zombie staples, like shotguns (triple barrel, actually), decapitations, panic room in the basement of someone who knew it was coming, and slow moving zombies. But this time around, you've got aliens and a halfway decent subplot. The dialog is subtle and witty and the ending is actually good (rare in a horror movie). It's definitely underrated and practically unknown, but well worth your money. Buy it.

Best line: "I'll fuckin' finish you off faster than a fuckin' birthday cake at a fat chick's fuckin' birthday party!"

Planet Terror (2007)

A biological gas is accidentally released turning a bunch of people into zombies. A group of people band together and try to stop them. This was half of the Grindhouse duo of movies released, this being Robert Rodriguez's answer to the 70's exploitation era, and was just as fun as I thought it would be. The special effects are top notch, the dialog is cheesy, and the characters are great. It's so over-the-top that it's a blast. Seriously. There's a lot of cameos, including Bruce Willis, since Rodriguez has a hell of a lot of friends. It's too bad that Grindhouse didn't do better at the box office, but that doesn't take away from the movie at all. It's a popcorn flick perfected, and that's all it was ever meant to be. It's probably the most fun I've had watching a movie in years. It's not brain fodder, so don't expect it to be.

Best line: "Tony, if anyone comes up to the car, I want you to shoot them. Just like in your video games: shoot them in the head." "What if it's dad?" "Especially if it's your dad."

Tuesday zombie movie marathon.

So after work I decided I’d finally go buy ’Black Sheep’. As you can tell by the cover, it’s about zombie sheep in New Zealand. Sounds badass. I figured Hasting’s would have it. But the fuckers didn’t. So I picked up two other zombie movies I hadn’t seen yet instead, and turned my night into a zombie movie marathon. Here’s how it turned out:

1st Movie…

Resident Evil: Extinction

I was hoping for the best with this one. The first was kickass, and though Apocalypse was somewhat disappointing (especially Nemesis), the trailers looked pretty fucking good. I got about the same enjoyment out of it as the second. Nothing spectacular, nothing horrible. It threw in a lot of cool shit, like: zombie birds, a pryo scene that made me think of the Phoenix, and a slight overall feel that reminded me of ’Day of the Dead.’ But I’m tired of this clone kick that everyone in Hollywood seems to be on. It’s fucking tired. And how in the fuck was that mutated scientist supposed to be cool, let alone the main ’boss’ fight at the end? That shit was as fucking pathetic as it gets. Also, why the hell did all 30 people in the band of survivors get out at every stop they made? Oh, so they could kill off everyone from the previous movies and leave an open ending for the next installment which will apparently only have one person in the cast: Alice, one million times over. Good action, good effects, shitty dialog, and piece of shit plot. 3 severed zombie heads (out of 5).

2nd Movie…

Automaton Transfusion

I knew what I was getting into with this one. A low budget and the whole movie filmed in 9 days. I was expecting zero plot, poor acting, but lots of blood and some precision chainsaw-to-the-face combos. It started off like I expected, with a bunch of pansy high school kids like you see in all the clichéd teen flicks. But I knew this was gonna be good about thirty minutes in when a zombie punched through a chick’s stomach, pulled out a fetus, and ate it. Wow. Despite the serious need of more testosterone in these whiny bitches (especially the men), this movie had it all: shotguns, chainsaws, baseball bats, and even brass knuckles. Then the whole movie went to shit in the last 20 minutes with a fucking moronic ending (military-created zombies after Vietnam) and a huge "To be continued…" before the credits rolled. Fucking lame. 2 severed zombie heads (out of 5).

3rd Movie…

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Ok, so after those two (somewhat) shitty zombie movies, I put in one that was already my own that I just couldn’t go wrong with. One of the only good remakes, ever. You can’t go wrong with the same director as ’300’ (and the upcoming ’Watchmen’); same music composer as ’300’, Rob Zombie’s ’Halloween’, and ’Doomsday’; Ving Rhames, and a guy perched on a rooftop sniping celebrity look-a-likes. This movie just kicks fucking ass all around. Romero started this zombie shit. There’s no denying it. But in my mind, this is probably the best it will get. I really don’t need to say more. If you haven’t seen it, you’re fucking bait. And you’re not ready. Because they’re coming. 5 severed zombie heads (out of 5).


"When there’s no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the earth."