I am a fucked-up-chick magnet.

I wonder what it is that makes me attractive or seemingly interesting to fucked-up chicks with mental issues, fucked-up tattoos by user ex-boyfriends, and fucking batshit insane families with just as many problems. I would like to think that maybe their families are unstable and unbalanced because of their fucked-up daughters, but I have a feeling that it's practically genetic and goes all the way back through the lineage. Seriously, why does every girl that finds me attractive seem to have a broken fucking home? Or demented, society-rejected best friends? Or two or three jealous, psycho ex-boyfriends? Or, hell, girlfriends for that matter?

I went to the gas station late last night, the same one I always go to. More for convenience's sake than anything else. There's a decent looking girl that works there, but definitely nothing special. Somewhat white trash, too, which is a love/hate thing for me, much in the same sense as Fricker's. But I had no idea. She occasionally flirts, and anyone who knows me knows that I show so much interest when people try striking up conversations. So, with that in mind, we all know how white trash love it when you ignore them.

But it never fails that she always wants to talk. The other week I overheard her bitching to the other clerk about her boyfriend dumping her. So I tried to avoid her line, but the guy closed his on my way up there. Shit. I got up to the counter and she just stared, with a couple of tears running down her cheek. Aww, your boyfriend left your clingy, whiny ass behind? How sad. Stop crying, take my fucking money, and let me take my half-gallon of Monster and get the fuck out of here already. Do you and me a favor, stop sobbing hysterically, buy a hatchet, and go kill your new ex.

Anyway, last night I went in, got a salad and a Sobe Lifewater, which is basically sugar and water. I get up to the counter and she says, "Hey, babe. You know you can get another packet of salad dressing for free?" "Oh, yay," with all of the enthusiam I could muster. Then I made my first mistake, when I asked how she was. "Not good..." Fuck, now I have to ask why. "My house got broken into last night, while I was asleep." Instead of asking if she was alright, I said, "Did they take anything?" "$150 out of my purse." "Wow, crazy. You should get a gun," I said somewhat jokingly. "I would if I could, but I'm not allowed to." Oh, fuck, I knew it. What kind of fucked-up chick am I talking to and didn't realize? "I got a felony that comes off in 2011. Still on house arrest, but I get a work release."

Why does this always happen to me? Apparently I'm a fucked-up-chick magnet. Just something else I'm good at, I suppose.

When I got off work today, I had a plan. I bought a 12-pack of Corona with every intention of drinking them all tonight. That's when it hit me. I know what they see in me: their drunken step-dads right before they beat them. They just can't get enough.

How to make a Ryan Coddington.

I saw what appeared to be a homeless man on my steps today when I got home from lunch. There was a moped sitting in front of him. He was wearing a ratty-ass t-shirt and two completely different shoes, and drinking what looked like piss from a Gatorade bottle. "Fuck," I thought. "This bastard wants money." So I said, "What's up, man?" And he replied, "Wrecked my moped. Had to sit down." I stopped for a second, then said, "That's cool, man," and then went inside and ate a couple of tasty burritos and went back to work. True story.

10 reasons to just shut the fuck up.

Fucking. Seriously. I am so damn sick of hearing people bitch. Whether it's about boyfriends, girlfriends, shitty friends, the government, the economy, foreign policy, the war, your job, your boss, your bills, taxes, speeding tickets, parking tickets, seatbelt tickets, poverty, the rich, school, the neighbors, the neighbors' dog that shits in your yard and barks at night, chores, gas prices, inflation, ignorance, intelligence, abortion, welfare, unemployment, your husband's goat-play fetish, the ruffie you were slipped last week which subsequent in DP and gang-rape by your male co-workers, or the fact that you're homeless after losing your job and your wife on the same day which just so happened to be your birthday and now you expect the whole world to change just to suit your selfish, little, hopeless aspirations that no longer matter to anyone but your lonesome, pitiful self. Have I left anything out? Of course I have. Here's ten more reasons you need to just shut the fuck up, and yes, I see the irony in all of this. Which brings me to number one.

1. Pointing out the obvious to someone who is intentionally saying the shit that they're saying to make an ironic point. Did that go over your head? Big fucking surprise. That could only mean one thing: number two.

2. Either you sell shoes at Footlocker, stock shelves at Kroger, seat obese white trash at Applebee's, or run the cash register at Dillard's. Now, while all of these are prime examples of being very important, completely essential cogs in the big machine, none of it qualifies you to open your mouth about anything of any relevance to...well, fucking anything. You are not capable of calculating simple math equations without the use of a solar-powered, $2 piece of shit machinery from Big Lots. So what the fuck makes you think you understand anything at all about the economy, inflation, or even the total of your five pounder happy meal from McDonald's, you fat, stupid fuck? McDonald's, point three.

3. Why don't the seventeen-year-olds working the drive-thru say "thank you" or "have a nice day" anymore? What happened to service? What happened to respect for customers? Why don't you cry yourself to sleep, eternal sleep, after taking a bottle of downers and slitting your wrists vertically? Those selfish, apathetic kids serving your fat-fucking-ass three double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a gallon of Diet Coke don't give a fuck because minimum wage doesn't pay them to give a fuck, because their boss doesn't give a fuck, because you don't give a fuck, and because capitalist America doesn't give a fuck. So stop pretending to give a fuck, because at the end of the day, you didn't pay $5 so someone would tell you "thank you." You paid just over the cost of one gallon of gas for a whole meal, which your greasy, sausage fingers are shoveling into your big, happy mouth. Right? Number four.

4. Obesity. Stop bitching about the heat. You're fat. It's your fault. The summer is hot. The winter is not. Get used to it or move. Five.

5. Stop whining and moaning and crying and shouting about shit you did wrong. This one is much more literal and lax. Sometimes it may appear more clear, like if you wake up in a puddle of vomit and piss after a hard night of drinking, that's your fault. No issue there. No one else to blame. Not even the ruffie-slipping male co-workers. But I'm even talking about parents who bitch about their kids. You raised them. It's your fault. I don't care if they killed grandma for the inheritance. You should have beat them more. Fuck you and your spoiled, bastard kids. Fuck you Six ways to Sunday.

6. Rednecks and white trash bitch more than anyone else in America. You're poor. I know already. Guess what, motherfuckers? No one cares. Stop fucking for tax breaks, get off of welfare, and get a motherfucking job. White trash need rounded up and put into cages. Kind of like a zoo, but you wouldn't ever pay admission, and you wouldn't ever go in. And employees wouldn't feed them. And by "white trash," I mean everyone. For instance, people who pay by check and don't have it filled out by the time they reach the register, people who buy lottery tickets and scratch them off at the counter while there's a fucking line behind them, people who spend their last five on cigarettes instead of food, people who bitch about gas prices to gas station attendants, people who spend all of their money on weed and can't figure out why they can't afford their child support, people who think KFC is the shit, people who think Fazoli's is "real Italian," and people who wear fucking crocs, just to name a few. Seven.

7. Socialism. You don't understand it. You never will. Publicized health care? Don't even try to wrap your right-winged, Rush Limbaugh-brainwashed, Bill O'Reilly-loving mind around it. You're still stuck in the 1950's, blacklisting all of the pinko commies trying to do whatever it is that evil commies do, and you're so scared of "red" (ironic) working men. You wouldn't want free health care for your children? For your grandchildren? Fuck you and your selfish, small fucking brain. Unions? The United States Postal Service? American public education? Yeah, we're definitely not socialistic. This goes for anarchy as well. Eight.

8. You're right-wing? Fuck you. You're left-wing? Fuck you. You're green party? Fuck you. Fuck every last one of you ignorant, puppet tools. Please shut the fuck up. And nine.

9. Violence and sex. What the fuck is the deal? We fuck to survive. I'm not sure if anyone's picked up on that yet. I know, it's all a bit complicated, but I assure you, it's true. One man and one woman fuck, have a child, and the the cycle repeats. I think they even teach this complicated subject in junior high health class, basically just to make sure that fucking morons like us grasp the idea of repopulating. Adam and Eve weren't ashamed of being naked. They just grew older and became conservative republicans. Seeing a naked body on a movie screen is not going to scar you for life. Not knowing shit about sex until you're eighteen will. Stop fucking up your children. And violence? Jesus fucking Christ. This nation was founded on bloodshed. Read up on some history, grow some fucking balls, and shut the fuck up. Finally ten.

10. You're middle class. Not lower class. Stop bitching and just shut the fuck up. Remember the Great Depression? No, you don't. Shut the fuck up.

There you go. Ten reasons laced in thick fucking irony. I hope I singled out everyone in some way. So shut the fuck up already. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

*Oh, and a side note to the four thick-headed fucks I saw eating at Wings and Rings tonight: if you plan to order, take the menus when the waitress offers, and don't make her read through the menu herself to your inbred, white trash, shit-eating faces five seconds after she asks. You don't need to eat. You need to kill yourselves.

I need new friends, part 2.

Make that four openings. Just John and Brooke left now.

Actually, my phone didn't get shut off. I just changed the number and didn't tell any of you.

Assholes.

I need new friends.

There are currently three openings. The original three assholes have been ousted.

Pay: Offer of free dinner for two of the three friends (same as before).

Requirements: Don't all go out to eat and lie about where you were, when I got back with my food to find no one, after I tried to convince all three of you to eat with me for over an hour.

For further assistance, a good example of what is expected: Brooke, since she stopped by and we went to McDonald's.

Nothing to it really. Send me a resumé.

Coddington in ’08.

I vow to make innovative changes with minimal effort or care. I plan to open up endless possibilities by doing very little, without concern or regard for your well-being. Taking into account the capacity of your feeble minds, allow me to explain my core issues with more detail:


Foreign policy

England: It's been, like, 500 years since we left England, and yet, here we are still living in its shadow. There are an awful lot of English-sounding towns like Oxford, Cambridge, and Manchester in America. Many major cities and states are also prefixed with 'New.' The town names will be renamed, and the cities and states will drop 'New' (i.e. 'New York' becomes 'York'). Furthermore, we will strike back at England and rename their towns with 'New,' thusly resulting in the formation of 'New America.' The common spoken language is also now called 'American.' New America will also be turned into a giant prison for American convicts, kinda like what old England used Australia for in the '50s or some shit.

France: After taking Paris by force using the Trojan Statue of Liberty and a metric fuckton of Navy SEALs, the flag of France will no longer be a blue, white, and red stripe, but simply a white piece of cloth.

Russia: Someone big will kick Putin in the cock, and Russia will eventually be forgotten and fade and die.

All other countries will no longer be drawn on world maps, which are all made in America, of course. Instead, the borders will no longer exist, and in the open space will be written 'undiscovered territory.'


Domestic policy

Considering you are reading this, then you must be mildly interested in electing me as president. And considering you are extremely interested in electing me as president, then you must trust me completely and fully to your capabilities. And by trusting me fully, then you no longer see any reason to have your own freewill or ability to think for yourself. Many 'unnecessary' freedoms will be revoked until further review (never).

Funding for any cure of any means will desist, and all research and advances in health care will be within pain relief. If you can't feel it, it's not there. Pills are good for you. There have been many steps in this direction over the last few decades. No need to back out now.

Education for children is a waste of precious resources. We have many factories that would make them much more useful. A twelve hour day still leaves twelve hours for them to pretend to be happy.

Beer will be served with kids' meals. American children have become weak and fragile. Diamonds are formed under extreme pressure and low temperatures. Not unlike a real man.

The word 'tax' will no longer exist. Instead, 'joyous patriotic gift' will replace it.

Imports will be a thing of the past. We will continue to export though, until the savages in the undiscovered countries no longer buy them with their offerings of oat, painted beads, and bags of rice. Then we will hunt and kill them, rape their women, and give them a holiday celebrating our friendship.

Unemployment and welfare will be demolished. If you can't work, you can't live.

History books are full of lies and very boring. They will be burned and rewritten to include spaceships, cybernetic organisms, and alien whores. The books will also be pop-outs.

Other issues

NASCAR will be a new Olympic sport. The only Olympic sport.

Pickles will no longer be cucumbers. Money will be invested in gene-splicing to create pickle trees.

Moon-shining will not only be legal, but encouraged. And awarded merits for excellence.

The urban dictionary will replace Webster's over-long run. Many words will be forgotten. Eventually even many parts of this list will become illegible, even for those not too dense to understand it now.


I'm not going to sum up the list in the conclusion, or state more reasons why you should vote for me. More than likely, you have already stopped reading because you are completely convinced by my massive intellect and decided to vote for me without needing to even finish. Coddington for President in '08.

Fuck hard liquor.

I'm done with it. All of it. No more fucking hard liquor for me. This morning about an hour before work I crawled into the bathroom and threw up half a fifth of vodka and Bloody Mary mix, and a few beers. To help paint this beautiful picture much more eloquently for you, some even came out of my fucking nose. I couldn't even tell if some of it was blood or not. So then I cleaned myself up, took a shower, took eight aspirin, and went to work like a fucking soldier.

After holding the rest down and putting up with the bright fluorescent lights and that motherfucker's annoying motherfucking stories and bullshit, I came to the conclusion that I seriously need to fucking stop. No more waking up and forgetting where my truck is. No more throwing up or hangovers. No more drunk dials. No more cleaning up my puke or being carried out of bars. No more fucking road signs. No more Everclear, Jaeger, vodka, scotch, whiskey, absinthe, tequila, and yes, no more rum or 151. I'm out. I'm done. Fuck hard liquor.

But I'm still down for a round of beers. There's no way I'd stop that shit a week before St. Patty's. I'm taking shit easy now. So be prepared.

Fuck my truck.

So, today, two days after paying a tow bill and for a new tire, which would best be described as blown-the-fuck-open, not flat, I came out to find my back passenger tire locked up from the emergency break. Nothing fucking new. I usually just gunned it and it would kick off, no problems. Not today. Today, instead, I gave it hell and nothing was working, except completely burning my fucking clutch. That worked.

Now I'm paying another tow bill, and over a grand apparently, for the clutch and the new break line. Seems a bit fucking steep to me. Then again, it wouldn't truly be my vehicle until I paid more in repairs in less than two years than what I paid to begin with. It's getting very close to being as great of a vehicle as all of the rest of pieces of shit I've had.

I came up with the idea this morning that I should drive it into a quarry. Then I realized that would be impossible since I can't shift fucking gears. But if I had it towed to the quarry, I could just push the damn thing off. Then I realized that the back wheel was locked up and I couldn't even do that. So my new idea is to set up a stack of bricks and spend all day throwing them at my fucking sorry excuse for a truck. Fuck my truck.

On a side note, some of you fucking assholes are more than welcome to sit in the cab/bed while I throw the bricks. Just a thought. Kill two birds with one stone...

Fuck this blog.

I've come to realize that all of the trivial things in life really aren't. Nothing is trivial. It all really just adds up to stereotypes and genres that everyone fits into. No one escapes a label. It's sad, but fucking true. If you think you don't, just ask someone who doesn't care what you think. I've come to find that I'm everything I've ever hated. I live in black and white. In extremes. The only line that's truly blurry is the one between pessimism and wisdom. And even that starts to clear after half a bottle of Dark Eyes.

I'm so fucking naïve. I believe in fake honesty. It's my Achilles' heel. And whether people realize it or not, they definitely take it for granted and use it to their own advantage. What the fuck compels people to walk all over me, as if they think they have something to gain by it? A fucking enemy, that's what. Truth be told, I'm full of shit. I give everyone a hard time about their beliefs, test them, and make them question themselves. But when it all comes down to it, some of the few things I believe in, I don't even have. I'm not sure how I could believe in something that I don't have, but I think they call that "blind faith." Meaning I'm a hypocrite.

I'm tired of spending my money on unneeded shit, like $3.00 a gallon for gas and going on long drives just thinking, drinking, and doing absolutely nothing. Like $4.00 beers at bars that I'm fucking sick of. Like the 12-16 cigars I fucking smoke everyday. I pretend I'm not addicted to these things, but I know I fucking am. I'm tired of putting up with people's shit, like listening to stories about how they love to brag about themselves. Like how people enjoy telling me what to do with my life. Like how people pretend to understand "the answers" to the shit I go through when they're worse than I am. I'm tired of shit resurfacing that I thought I was through with. I'm tired of shit haunting me. It's fucking killing me.

I'm tired of my parents pretending to be something they're not, like happy. Like when they act like they're decent role models and try to make me feel ashamed for being young. Like when they think they're responsible without a job, more debt than I can imagine, and don't feel guilty for alienating their own fucking family. I'm tired of their shit.

I'm sick of watching promises get broken. I'm sick of the daily fucking grind and it all amounting to jack shit. I'm sick of drama. It's getting so old so quick. I feel like I never even graduated high school and it's what I get up and go to everyday, like I never even fucking left. I'm sick of these same assholes telling me to grow the fuck up. I'm sick of feeling like my mind is that of an eighty-year-old grouchy asshole who's fed up with life and the bullshit it has to offer. I'm sick of pathetic people telling me I need to do something with my life. But trust me, not being like them is motive enough. If I really need to better myself, the best way would be to distance myself from them.

I'm sick of not having the balls to tell people to just fuck off. Or when I just stand there and listen to their bullshit and I don't kick them in the fucking groin. If I just sit there and listen, they start to think I care what they're saying, instead of a hook to the face, which would really tell them what I'm thinking. Maybe I should stop procrastinating and start fucking some people up. Maybe I should start making an effort.

Sometimes I just want to wash the world in gasoline and flick my cigar from a safe distance to watch it spread, and burn completely. Sometimes.

Well, I'm done getting hammered and being emo for the night, so eat shit.

What I believe in.

For those who are confused or just never know what the fuck I believe in:

1. Family - My brother and sister have always been there for me. When my parents didn't, I helped raise them. I helped teach them to read, long before I ever did. And even though I never had the twin I was supposed to have, two and a half years later I think I did. My cousin (my other brother) has always been there for me too. His home was our second.

2. Friends - Some old ones and some new ones. Some of the things they've done for me have been more than I ever would have asked for. I consider them family and I'd do the same for them without hesitation. Family and friends probably shouldn't even be two seperate things.

3. Happiness - The kind that you feel deep inside, not fleeting glimpses of temporary joy. I've felt it before. I know it exists. It's simply a choice, which is completely up to me alone. All I have to do is decide.

4. Love - It's not simply given. It has to be earned. All that's really needed is effort. If I have the first three things, then this one comes with time. I've felt enough hate to know love is real. And I've felt this too. Need a deeper meaning to life? Logic is overrated. To feel is why we're really here.

5. Myself - I've never doubted myself. I've never had problems with believing in myself, which I can say with complete honesty. But I've come to realize that I put others above myself in most situations, and it tends to get taken for granted. So I'm taking a different approach. I call it the 'fuck you' method. I think it's going to work out. At the same time, for those who appreciate me, and I know which ones, I won't change. Why let a few selfish cunts fuck it up for everyone else?

I don't believe in much. Life is subjective. But if you find something to believe in, and you understand it completely, then stand true in your convictions. Uncertainty is worse than being wrong.

Bad whiskey & bad weather.

I normally like winter and never bitch about the cold. But this shit has got to end. I'm sick of it already. Half-assed snow and stupid fucking people that can't drive. If it's gonna snow, it should be enough for me to enjoy it, ie. can't go to work because I have to dig 6ft down to find my truck. And how in the fuck can you people not drive in 1-2 inches of snow? You live in motherfucking Indiana. You should be used to it by now. Jesus.

So you dumbfucks and Mother Nature got me drinking shitty whiskey to stay warm and calm the fuck down. The next dickhead that pulls out in front of me on 35 when I'm doing 55 is gonna have to think up another New Year's resolution. Cheers, fuckheads.

The art of arguing.

“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.” -Dave Barry

The ability to argue is a skill, and just like any other skill you acquire, it takes practice. As we face even the smallest of arguments everyday, it would be acceptable to state that we all have quite a lot of experience in the matter. But being a history teacher for twenty or thirty years doesn’t exactly make you a good one, does it? Regardless, we are faced with battles of beliefs in our daily lives, and often without any intention of being involved.

So how does one go about winning these contests of will then? It’s simple, because it’s not about whether you’re right or wrong. It’s about winning. Your own beliefs, like theirs, are completely irrelevant other than serving as the basis for the argument. If you truly believe that you can convince someone of an opposing view to feel the same about an issue as you through basic reasoning and logic, then this isn’t a guide for you. There’s only one way for an opponent to come to an agreement or compromise with you, and that’s through violence. Instead, I’m going to teach you how to win an argument, and give you techniques on how to garner bragging rights and make your opponent feel like an ignorant sack of shit.

The Basics:

How can you tell if you’ve won? There are two possibilities to the outcome of an argument. One is the stalemate. This result occurs prematurely, usually ending with the other party becoming too upset to continue. You must prevent this at all costs. This conclusion is lose/lose and means you both fucking suck at arguing. The other result is completely and utterly exhausting their resources and potential rebuttals. Like baseball, there could end up being extra innings before it’s over, but unlike baseball, neither side is actually going to be declared a winner. This is simply distinguished by how well you perform and who has prevented the other from continuing.

One of the most effective ways to gain the upper hand is to simply not say anything at all. Just let them do the talking for a while. In fact, if given the chance, many people will reveal the flaws in their arguments by simply being allowed to speak. Just watch and listen, and wait for the opening in which the faults and weaknesses become obvious. Be careful not to lose your footing though, especially if they’re providing a strong case, as this could easily lead you to pondering too much on what they’re saying and not what you’re preparing to say when they’re finished. Keep focused and don’t become distracted or the battle will be over before you even begin.

Not everyone will be so inclined to speak their entire case so quickly, especially the ones that are more skilled than others. Asking questions is of course inevitable for both parties, but instead of just being a cog in the clock, it can be used as an incredible tool to give you the advantage. Vague questions are your worst enemy. Unfortunately all first questions must be vague. Break away from this as soon as you can. Your goal is to use as many rhetorical and trick questions as you can. Your questions are less of a means to information, and more for the purpose of distraction and sabotage. Confusion is you’re greatest ally, and you must use it well. Even more satisfying than destroying their point of view is making them forget it and everything they were going to say.

Things to Avoid:

Arguing is much like a driver’s license. It’s a privilege, not a right. Many people you attempt to argue with are going to realize very quickly as it begins that they are not going to win, and will often resort to restating their original premise over and over until it wears you down. In most cases, these people care nothing for winning, only to make you think and feel the way that they do about the subject. But as they begin to see that they’re starting to lose, they’ll instead try to spare themselves from the embarrassment of presenting a weak case and getting their asses handed to them by someone better prepared and more aptly skilled.

It’s impossible to prevent them from backtracking. No matter what you do or say, they are going to keep treading the water hoping they’ll last longer than you. Many arguments will be unresolved in these situations, but if you keep your cool and use your head, you can still extract some satisfaction by forcing them to explain their side. It’s understandable that you’ll become irritated at their games, but the best way to get them to continue instead of regress is dishonesty. Pretend to actually be interested in their point of view and request that they elaborate so you can better understand. If they’re no longer reluctant, then all you have to do is let them do the talking, and the giant, gaping holes in their pile of bullshit will become all too obvious. And the best part after they've explained themselves is that they can no longer continue repeating their original statements.

At all costs, you must not feed off of your emotions, even potentially taking a few steps back. Insults and a change in the tone of your voice, though effective tools for distraction, are not going to see you through to the end of the argument. Getting too personal will indeed cause them to lose their train of thought, but will immediately bring the equal or greater course of action back in your direction. It will become an inescapable cycle until one of the two parties will say something much more personal than the other will be able to accept, and then the argument is over. Instead, retain your composure, and if the other person opts to extreme measures, then play on their emotions, not feed. Anger is a great weapon, provided they aren’t too spiteful that it prevents them from continuing to engage you. Let their rage blind them and cool them back down. You’ll come to find that they’ve misplaced parts of their argument.

You also don’t want to pick apart everything they say. Find only the strengths in the point they’re trying to make and tear them down. If you dispute too many of the minor details, they will: (1.) Potentially become too angry to continue the argument, resulting in a waste of your time, and (2.) you will lose sight of your goal, which is to win. Remember, what you believe is irrelevant. Only winning matters.

Advanced Techniques:

Manipulation is a very useful tool, but practically impossible to master considering the great potential of backfiring. It’s basically an advanced stage of playing on their feelings and emotions. Using tools like guilt and concealing your motives and plans are effective only so far. Eventually you begin to either anger them by becoming too personal or they start to use the same techniques on you. Guilt is only useful when you can make them feel it without actually blaming them. This usually involves direct questions or actually pretending to take the blame all yourself, resulting in even more guilt on their part. This is what I generally consider fighting dirty, and should probably be used as a last resort. Though effective, it definitely won’t win an entire argument for you.

Reading and giving body language can turn out to be quite handy as well. Some tricks have proved the test of time, such as watching the eyes and posture. Some people can give away the strength of their argument just by how their body responds to the pressure and your own reactions. Take heed to control your own though, as most tend to forget this or even acknowledge it. Just as well, it’s actually in itself a form of manipulation, as you can force yourself to give the wrong impression in the situation. If you know you’re telling them a lie, then look them straight in the eyes and tell them as if you truly believe it. Don’t look away, and make sure to say it with conviction.

And what’s the most important tool of all? Planning. The others are techniques, but this is something you must redo each time. You must plan for all possible rebuttals and questions that the other person will have. More than likely their questions will not be used as distractions, but that’s not going to stop you from being caught off your feet by a few of them. You can’t let them use your own weapons against you or you’re both fucked. I should also say that you should never argue over a subject you know little or nothing about, or you’re going to get your ass handed to you, and you’ll deserve every bit of it. You’re in this to win, and you can only do that by ruining their shit. If you share in their embarrassment, even a little, then you lose. But if you achieve victory, you’ll feel great about yourself, and at someone else’s expense, no less. And that’s really all that matters, isn’t it?