A zombie film guide, part 2 (of 4).

This time I've put together more classics and cult favorites, with a couple of remakes. I've featured all five of the great George A. Romero's creations, and the two remakes that followed. This will make it halfway through the list, making you that much more prepared for the necro-Armageddon, that I'm sure will happen any day now...hope will happen any day now:


Army of Darkness (1992)

Probably one of the most recognized cult horror movies. The third in the Evil Dead series, though technically more of a sequel to Evil Dead II. This time around, Ash is transported back in time to around 1300 to fend off the undead from King Arthur's castle. This is easily the best in the series, getting a much bigger budget, and best of all, features some much needed humor. This is where the movie succeeds. The best parts of the movie are the quips Ash spouts off to these confused people. To me, this is Sam Raimi's greatest flick, even better than his later Spider-Man trilogy. He should really stick with horror. Definitely the best of the three Evil Dead movies (which I'll review the other two later). Look for the director's cut instead of the theatrical release.

Best line: "Well, hello, Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you, pal. You ain't leadin' but two things right now: Jack and shit...and Jack left town."

Zombie Strippers! (2008)

Same old, same old. The story is: the government created a bio-virus thing to reanimate the dead to use them as soldiers, then it gets loose. It somehow ends up in a strip club, and that's where most of it takes place. Starring porn star Jenna Jameson, and a bunch more of them, this movie is bad. And not in a good way. It's really made more for teenage nerds, because it's not fun, just soft-core porn. You can tell from the lines spouted off by these morons that they tried way too hard to make a tongue-in-cheek movie, but it just makes you want to stab a knife into your ear. It sucks a hard one. Watch a horror movie or watch a porno. Leave this on the shelf.

Best line: "George W. Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president, taking Florida, which due to a glitch in the Jeb B voting terminals, tallied one single vote for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger. Bush's presidency was unanimously declared legally binding by the Supreme Court as well as "totally cool" by Supreme Justice Jenna Bush who subsequently set in motion another Supreme Kegger. Following the landslide victory, a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented. Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress, claiming it was "cramping his style." American Troops continue to be strung thin due to the still raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska."

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

This is where it all began. It's the one that started it all. It's kind of like the first one, that started biting and spreading the infection. A group of people hide from the living dead in a farmhouse. Even to this day, Living Dead stands the test of time. It's still creepy as hell, with the classic black and white adding to the scare. This flick frightened people to death back in the day, and though may seem a bit cheesy today, is pure nostalgia now. Actually, along with Dawn of the Dead, this movie features the best and most realistic cast. I'll give Romero tons of credit for his early work. He did some amazing, creative things. I just don't approve of how everyone believe he created the undead and is the final authority on the definition of a zombie. But it's not his fault people are ignorant. If anything, Mary Shelley created the first zombie. Anyway, if you haven't seen the original, check it out.

Best line: "Well...the television said that's the right thing to do."

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

This is the second in Romero's Dead series and the best, in my opinion. A group of people barricade themselves inside of a shopping mall after the outbreak starts to spread throughout the state. During its time, Dawn was incredibly gory and caused many people to become sick in theaters. Today, it doesn't really stand the test of time. But what does is the background social commentary, which Romero has always been known for. It's not as subtle as some claim, unless most people are just too stupid to pick up on it (which I fear may be the case), but at least it's not as preachy as his later works. Dawn is definitely one of the greats in the zombie movie fare. It's an essential to your DVD library.

Best line: "When there's no room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth."

Day of the Dead (1985)

An outfit of soldiers take refuge in a military bunker in a now overrun California. This is the third movie in the Romero series, and not quite up to par to its previous Dawn of the Dead. Here, we see zombies beginning to get "smarter" and Romero feeding us more of his philosophical views of humanity in the background. This time it's less about "are we really any different than they are?" and "do we deserve to be saved?" and more along the lines of "no matter how small of a civilization is left, power will corrupt." The intelligent dialog from the first two movies is gone, and now all we have left is a bunch of ignorant soldiers written by a man that thinks the word "fuck" said five hundred times adds to the shock value of his outdated gore make-up. No offense to Day lovers, but it's incredibly overrated. The zombie crocodile at the beginning was cool, but not enough to save the movie. It's average at best.

Best line: "We're bein' punished by the Creator. He visited a curse on us. Maybe He didn't want to see us blow ourselves up, put a big hole in the sky. Maybe He just wanted to show us He's still the Boss Man. Maybe He figure, we gettin' too big for our britches, tryin' to figure His shit out."

Land of the Dead (2005)

The last remnants of mankind live in and around a skyscraper in Pittsburgh (of all places) and sometimes venture out to surrounding towns to collect supplies. But one of the soldiers wants to live in the skyscraper, but Dennis Hopper won't let him. So, he steals a big truck and holds the building hostage, for five million dollars. Brilliant. This is the fourth movie in Romero's Dead series, and the absolute worst. Zombies distracted by fireworks, but not even so much as look up when flashlights are shown on them? There's poor acting and dialog, and it's insanely boring. Once again, we have zombies learning how to use knives and guns, only this time they're practically people. Romero's zombies have always been slow moving and decaying. A decaying brain doesn't learn anything. I guess most people miss this. Of course, this is all just Romero asking us if we're really any different than they are. Are the corporate clones sitting in cubicles any different than wooden zombies? Are we any better than they are? Are we going to stop paying for shitty movies with overinflated budgets and bad subliminal messages from a man running out of ideas? Guess not.

Best line: "How do you work this thing?" "It's just like a video game."

Diary of the Dead (2008)

This is about a group of film students, making a horror movie, traveling across the country after an outbreak of zombies. I have to give kudos to Romero for finally trying something different with his Dead movies, though Diary is too preachy for its own good. Just like Blair Witch, Cloverfield, and [REC], it's tries for that realistic effect of having people hold the camera, but where Diary fails is with unrealistic actions by clichéd 2-dimensional characters. I know that if my girlfriend was in another room, and she screamed, I wouldn't just stand there because I was waiting for the camera to charge. Unless I didn't like my girlfriend. Still, it's slightly better than Land of the Dead, though I guess that's not saying much. The Death of Death is an interesting concept, but wasn't explored as well as it could have been.

Best line: "Out there we're lunch. In here there is a steel reinforced panic room where we can sit and play Nintendo until this whole thing blows over."

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

A remake of Romero's Dawn, and a worthy one at that. Actually, I'm one of the few who feel that it surpasses the original. In Zach Snyder's version we have fast zombies, that they never call actually zombies, better acting, better violence, better dialog, improved characterization, less social commentary (because no one wants to listen to opinions on one man's perception of mankind's oversaturated violence while watching the most violent movie ever made), and the single greatest opening fifteen minutes to a horror movie...ever. Ever. I consider this movie to be equally as good as 28 Days Later, making those two the best zombie movies you can find. This movie is well loved by most horror fans, but it's still extremely underrated. If you haven't seen this yet, then I'm sure you'll be the first to die during the outbreak. And I won't feel sorry for you one bit, because I warned you.

Best line: "Hey, I'm sorry, excuse me...when you two fellas are done blowing each other, maybe Davy Crockett could tell us the deal here?"

Day of the Dead (2008)

Technically it's just a remake, and not a sequel of Zach Snyder's remake, which is the direction they should have gone in. Basically, it's the same old clichéd story: experiments gone wrong, and got loose, and the military steps in to quarantine the town and fight the infection. It starts at the hospital, which is actually the film's best scene and goes down hill from there, in both ways. There's a few minor stars, but their acting reeks, which doesn't get any help from the shitty script. The action is top notch, but the special effects are average. Once again, we have fast zombies, but now, apparently, they can crawl on ceilings and do back flips. One thing I did find interesting was giving the zombies some small memory of their former lives, making the prime example one of the soldiers being a vegetarian when he was alive, and having no interest in eating people once he turned. I don't think I've ever seen that before, good or bad.

Best line: "Why do white people always wanna split up?"

Slither (2006)

This horror/comedy has a lot of B-movie stars, and becoming-A-movie star Elizabeth Banks. It's a little like Undead, in the sense that it's more action and horror than comedy, but it's still there. Actually, most of the best lines come from the foul-mouthed town mayor. The story isn't very original, but it's not meant to be: alien slug-like creatures take control of the town, turning them into zombie-like creatures. To be honest, it's been a while since I've seen this one, and can't remember all of the details of the story. I do remember that it's just good, crappy fun. Like I said, the dialog is the best feature. I'll have to watch this one again.

Best line: "Where is the Mr. Pibb? I told your secretary to pack Mr. Pibb. It's the only Coke I like. Goddamn Brenda exploding like a water balloon, worms driving my friends around like they're goddamn skin-cars, people are spitting acid at me, turning you into cottage cheese, and now there's no fucking goddamn Mr. Pibb?"

A zombie film guide, part 1 (of 4).

I just had a massive zombie movie marathon weekend, watching about seven or eight that I hadn't seen before. So I was inspired to make a list. Here is part one of four of every zombie movie I've ever seen, with a small review and trailer for each. Each list will have 10 movies. I’ve got three more to watch before I finish part 4, which will put the total around 38 zombie movies. If you want to prepare for the coming zombie apocalypse, you'll need these as reference to continue your existence. You have everything here: slow zombies, fast zombies, virus-infected zombies, military experiment zombies, alien zombies, alien-created zombies, zombie pets, and even zombie sheep. These are in no particular order of preference. So, get your shotgun and machete, and get your fifth of whiskey, kick back, read some reviews, and prepare for the era of the undead:


Versus (2000)

The story isn't important. Trust me. As simple as it is, it's still confusing. But the basics are: an eternal prisoner escapes into a forest, that somehow resurrects the dead yakuza buried there, and his eternal evil twin has an eternal woman hostage, whom the prisoner loved in a former life, and they must battle. Yeah. But that was all just an excuse so that the filmmakers could make one of the most badass martial arts movies with no budget, and that's what it is. Most of these actors aren't actors. They're martial artists. You'll see shit that you couldn't do if you trained everyday for the next twenty years. And that's all this is meant to be: eye candy. It's all a fun ride, and easily the best low budget movie I own. One downside is that the zombies still use guns and knives, though they never technically call them zombies or explain why they are back from the dead (ie. evil spirits).

Best line: "You can't hit me! I have five hundred times faster reflexes than Mike Tyson!"

28 Days Later (2002)

This takes place in London, twenty-eight days after the initial out break occurs. Don't listen to Romero zombie elitists. Their argument is that a fast zombie isn't a zombie, and a zombie can't be "infected". It has to be undead. The problem is that Romero didn't create zombies, which they seem to believe. This is, in fact, arguably the best zombie movie to date. It's the most realistic, in the sense that it presents the idea that it could be a viral infection, and the characters are actually developed for a change, giving them intelligence enough to make logical decisions. You also can't ignore the fact that fifty infected people charging at you at top running speed isn't scary as hell. The suspense-filled last half an hour has yet to be topped in any zombie movie. This movie will prepare you for the coming zombie apocalypse better than almost any other.

Best line: "No, no. No, see this is a really shit idea. You know why? Because it's really obviously a shit idea."

28 Weeks Later (2007)

The follow-up to the amazing 28 Days Later takes place six months later. The U.S. Army steps in to help facilitate repopulating London, but, of course, it goes wrong. While this is slightly more of an action movie, the great suspense and horror established in the first movie still remains. Acting is still top notch, the story and dialog is still better than 95% of most horror, and you just can't go wrong with Rose Byrne. You can tell the production value is better than Days, and it pays off. You lose a little less of the characterization, but not much. It's barely a step down from its predecessor, and still well worth checking out. I look forward to the next one, if they still plan on making it.

Best line: "I don't see him, where is Fester Fuck nut?" "There, look, bald guy with his dick in hands on the 20th floor."

Automaton Transfusion (2006)

It's the usual. The military conducted experiments in a small town during Vietnam, to create soldiers that never tire or weaken. Then they got loose. Some teenagers band together and try to fight the undead. It was filmed in nine days and on around $10,000. And it shows. It's terrible. There are so many inconsistencies, such as zombies with super strength, and then some that can't knock down a door. As bad as the movie is, it was made by people who were probably film students and never took it too seriously. Which means goods things came about. I enjoyed the fact that they put almost every zombie movie cliché all into one movie: a group of four people - three guys and one girl, baseball bats, chainsaws, shotguns, parents turning and then attacking their kids, military experiments, hold up in a bar, hold up in a barn, hold up in a house in the woods, girls falling, jocks, nerds, cheerleaders, and a token black guy. The greatest scene? A zombie punches through a pregnant girls stomach, pulls out the fetus, then eats it.

Best line: "To be continued..."

Black Sheep (2006)

A man tries to genetically engineer his sheep in New Zealand. It goes wrong. That's about it on the story. But this is meant to be a horror/comedy, so you can't ask for much. Actually, I was looking forward to this movie for some time, thinking it might be on par with the likes of Shaun of the Dead or Undead. Unfortunately it wasn't. It could have been so much better. It still had its humorous scenes, but I think they tried too hard in some parts, and missed great opportunities in others. It's still worth the rental, but don't expect a great comedy.

Best line: "I thought you of all people would appreciate efforts to deconstruct the colonialist paternalistic agrarian hierarchy that disenfranchises the Tangata Whenua and erodes the natural resources of Aotearoa."

Aunt Rose (2005)

Three criminals hold up in a family's house, who they hold hostage, and kill a few. But they overlook one, sickly Aunt Rose, upstairs. After they off a few of the family, Rose "revives" them to wreck havoc on the criminals. This movie is abysmal. It's terrible. The acting is atrocious, borderline sinning. And the movie as a whole is so incredibly boring that your own suicide seems a bit adventurous. The only redeeming feature of all this? B-movie scream queen Raine Brown's pretty face graces this piece of shit...until she dies halfway through and becomes a zombie. Fortunately, this movie doesn't ever try to take itself seriously at all, so laughing at it is necessary to finish it, before you finish yourself.

Best line: None.

House of the Dead (2003)

Some teenagers go to an island for a rave party, and find zombies instead. This is the single worst film I can recall watching. I know people toss that around a lot, but I mean it when I say it. I've seen a movie where Santa Clause battles Martians, I've seen a movie were two giant snakes fight each other, and I've seen a movie where the devil tried to stop Christmas, and none of them were as bad as Uwe Boll fucking up an already shitty video game. The man has tainted everything he's ever touched, but his first is still his worst. This movie is so bad that it's offensive. This man needs assassinated, just for the sake of credibility to man. Worst of all, he firmly believes his works are art. It would be like Ed Gein saying he was just trying to do some good in the world. The dialog is the best part though. I really can't even tell if it was written intentionally bad or not, as seen below:

Best line: "You did all this to become immortal. Why?" "To live forever!"

Dead & Breakfast (2004)

A group of friends, on their way to a wedding, get lost and stay at an inn. The innkeeper has a special box that can resurrect the dead, using an evil spirit. It can't really decide if it wants to be a zombie flick or a slasher flick or a comedy. Sometimes it's not any of those three, and it's just boring. Definitely the highlights are the interspersed scenes of the band Zacharia and the Lobos Riders, a creation of lead singer Zach Selwyn, occasional anchor on G4's Attack of the Show. It's folk/rock with witty lyrics, and they easily steal the show. Actually, his band is playing in a barn, and they even become zombies themselves. The movie itself has its humor, and the gore and action is actually well done, even feature my favorite horror cliché (started by Carrie and perfected with The Descent) of an enraged blond chick somehow being covered in a massive amount of blood and kicking ass.

Best line: "Had I known it was going to feel this good to bash your brains in, I would have done it a long time ago."

Undead (2003)

A fishing village in Australia is overrun by zombies, and an ex-fisherman who encountered a zombie fish a few years ago has stocked up and trained for the coming zombie invasion. This is a horror/comedy and one of the few that got it right. It's more action than Shaun of the Dead, but still funny as hell. You've got a lot of the mainstream zombie staples, like shotguns (triple barrel, actually), decapitations, panic room in the basement of someone who knew it was coming, and slow moving zombies. But this time around, you've got aliens and a halfway decent subplot. The dialog is subtle and witty and the ending is actually good (rare in a horror movie). It's definitely underrated and practically unknown, but well worth your money. Buy it.

Best line: "I'll fuckin' finish you off faster than a fuckin' birthday cake at a fat chick's fuckin' birthday party!"

Planet Terror (2007)

A biological gas is accidentally released turning a bunch of people into zombies. A group of people band together and try to stop them. This was half of the Grindhouse duo of movies released, this being Robert Rodriguez's answer to the 70's exploitation era, and was just as fun as I thought it would be. The special effects are top notch, the dialog is cheesy, and the characters are great. It's so over-the-top that it's a blast. Seriously. There's a lot of cameos, including Bruce Willis, since Rodriguez has a hell of a lot of friends. It's too bad that Grindhouse didn't do better at the box office, but that doesn't take away from the movie at all. It's a popcorn flick perfected, and that's all it was ever meant to be. It's probably the most fun I've had watching a movie in years. It's not brain fodder, so don't expect it to be.

Best line: "Tony, if anyone comes up to the car, I want you to shoot them. Just like in your video games: shoot them in the head." "What if it's dad?" "Especially if it's your dad."

I'm the monster. I'm the villain.

The problem with the Broadway musical turned film "Repo! The Genetic Opera"? Half the people going to see it are fans of its creators' other projects (as in "Saw") and the other half are going to see a cheesy old opera. But what they're seeing is both, and so most of them aren't happy. Even its own studio, Lionsgate, doesn't seem to like it. Apparently the final version is missing around twenty minutes of additional footage the directors were forced to cut. Lionsgate said this movie would have no audience, and refused to put up the money for a wide release. So the cast and crew (even Paris Hilton herself) went on a "tour" with the movie, playing it in a few big cities. Now, three of the 58 songs featured in the movie (yes, 58) are potential nominees for an Academy Award. The songs that could get nominated are "Zydrate Anatomy", "Chase the Morning", and "Chromaggia". I'm very unhappy with Lionsgate right now, whom I usually respect for making movies that aren't the usual shit most people are content with choking down everyday.

Every few years, I get this feeling about a movie that I see a trailer for, that I know is going to amaze me, and I obsess over it until I see it. About nine months ago, I saw the trailer for Repo! and knew I was going to love it. But because of Lionsgate, I wasn't able to even see it until the day before its release on DVD. It was well worth the wait. I'm actually glad I made the top 10 movie list of 2008 before having seen this, because it would have screwed the list up. It's completely different than my top favorites, but it's equally deserving of being considered a top film of last year. I really can't praise it enough. There are, of course, cons to all of the pros, but they're minimal.

It was made on only 8.5 mil, took years to get off of the ground, and got scenes cut, but in the end, the directors got the final say, and they wouldn't change one damn thing for the studio. It's their vision, untainted by the Hollywood corporation. I usually hate musicals, so I couldn't possibly be biased about this movie in any way. And it's a rated-R opera, starring Ogre from Skinny Puppy, Sarah Brightman, and Paris Hilton. Hell, that combination is all you need. Rent it tomorrow. Or buy it.

People in line at one of the "tour" theaters. No audience indeed:

Best 10 movies of 2008.

Yeah, a lot of sites do it. Top 10 list of the previous year. And a lot of sites suck. So, here's my list of the best 10 movies of last year, with trailers for each one just in case you don't know what the movie is all about. There's no sense in writing any kind of review for them. If I didn't like them, they wouldn't be on the list. A lot of people said movies in 2008 sucked, so I just felt the need to prove them wrong. Unfortunately I haven't seen 'The Reader,' 'Revolutionary Road,' 'Valkyrie, or 'Repo! The Genetic Opera' yet, so this list is as good as it gets. I did my best to put them in 1-10 order, but that's always debatable. It also doesn't mean the last few suck either. It's a top 10 list.

1. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button


2. The Dark Knight


3. Let the Right One In


4. The Fall


5. The Wrestler


6. Gran Torino


7. Slumdog Millionaire


8. Shotgun Stories


9. Forgetting Sarah Marshall


10. Cloverfield


That's the list. The top two could easily be switched back and forth. It's not important though. But what is important is that only one of those movies (The Dark Knight) was in the top 10 grossing movies of 2008. That means a lot of people are watching a lot of shitty movies. But now that I made a list for you to learn from, you can do a little better this year.

Between cages at a retard zoo.

Let me first start off by saying that the belief that on December 21, 2012 the world will end is a New Age belief, which really isn't very in tune with also believing in Christianity. There are actually just as many people, who believe in New Age, that think mankind will be "elevated to a higher level" on this date, instead of ending. Not that I care what that even means.

Here's another fact: despite the Mayan calendar ending on this date, it was never once written that it was the end of civilization. Did you realize that there are actually modern Maya communities in Guatemala? But then I guess they don't use calendars, since their old ones ran out of days, right?

In fact, there are multiple Mayan calendars, some even used today. One calendar had 260-days, one had 365, another had 52, and 20, and one was even 13-days long. Each was simply a cycle that repeated. They tracked Venus on a 584-day cycle. But most interesting of all was their calendar that was a total of 819-days, which repeated "sets of 9- and 13-day intervals associated with different groups of deities, animals and other significant concepts." A calendar associated with their own gods. And you people think they also predicted the end of the world? I don't think God would be too happy with you if he heard that.

Hell, here's how advanced they were. They never had anything comparable to a leap year. Why is this so significant? Because you're all relying so much on the Mayan mathematics for this date. Basically, "the Haab' (Maya version of the 365-day calendar) was crude and inaccurate, since it treated the year as having 365 days, and ignored the extra quarter day in the actual tropical year. This meant that the seasons moved with respect to the calendar year by a quarter day each year, so that the calendar months named after particular seasons no longer corresponded to these seasons after a few centuries."

Here's food for thought. Let's assume that they actually did make a prophecy about 2012 being the end. To this day, we are still not one hundred-percent sure how the Maya civilization was destroyed/destroyed itself. And that was in the past, which we can study. But you believe that people who had slaves, made human sacrifices, and probably destroyed themselves with corruption of power could see into the future almost a millenia, but not well enough to foresee their own downfall? Makes perfect sense.

2012 is bullshit. Please stop spewing it.



And boycott Roland Emmerich's next piece of shit movie. You're only encouraging other stupid people. This is the same man that brought you: Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla (1998), Stargate, and 10,000 BC. His movies are rooted completely in facts, right? I do love how 2012 practically claims it's true though. Do what Emmerich says, Google it. Two minutes later you'll realize he's full of shit. It's just Hollywood banking off your retardation and mass hysteria.

Tonight I single out Billy Corgan.

"In an interview with the Chicago Tribune, Billy Corgan expressed his interest in becoming a band that only releases singles from now on. Talking about 'Zeitgeist', he says, 'We're done with that. There is no point. People don't even listen to it all. They put it on their iPod, they drag over the two singles, and skip over the rest.' He adds, 'Our primary function now is to be a singles band that drives Pumpkins Inc through singles. We'll still be creative, but in a different form.'"

Shit. What the hell is happening to music? Am I the only one noticing? It's almost as if this idea of digital music instead of hard copies is completely confusing musicians, and the only way that they can contend with the future is to go pop. More and more, I think Tyler is onto something here. So I'll quote one of his (and now my) favorite bands, Enter Shikari: "Look what you've done to yourself. Yeah, you've lost the will to do what's right again."

I, for one, actually enjoyed 'Zeitgeist' very much. So I'm not stuck in the past, too much. But I can't deny the Pumpkins were in their glory days during 'Mellon Collie' and 'Adore'. Corgan seemed to have more inspiration then, before Zwan and before his solo effort (both of which weren't too bad really). But it was also before he completely pissed off two of the other three band members. The Smashing Pumpkins died May 2000. Since then it's just been Billy Corgan Inc. And though I respect him as an artist, his ego could cover the world over (which normally I'd respect, except when you drive away a hot bassist like D'arcy).


Hey, Corgan: "Go tell all your friends that this is the end."

Why I hate the 80's.

I hate the 80's because not all of its pop icons are dead yet. Remember back when I wrote about washed-up, 80's soft-core rock dick Axl Rose preparing to finally release his 'long-awaited' CD, 'Chinese Democracy,' which makes no sense at all? Yeah, I almost forgot about that special event too. I almost forgot about disgusting Dr. Pepper's bet too:

"In March the manufacturer made headlines by saying it would give out cans of its 123-year-old soft drink if the album, “Chinese Democracy,” came out by the end of the year. That was by no means a sure proposition, since Mr. Rose had failed to meet so many deadlines over the years that the album had become the music industry’s most notorious (and expensive) shaggy-dog story."

Yeah, a few weeks ago I downloaded it and after two songs, I deleted the entire CD off my computer. But now I just read that "it took Axl Rose 14 years to complete the latest Guns N’ Roses album. But it took his lawyers only two days to take Dr Pepper to task for not making good on a promise of free soda to “everyone in America” in celebration. On Sunday the album was finally released, and Dr Pepper gave fans 24 hours to go to its Web site for a coupon redeemable for a can of soda; so many did that the site crashed, and the deadline was extended to Monday.

On Tuesday his lawyers sent a harshly worded letter to the soft drink maker complaining of its “appalling failure to make good on a promise it made to the American public,” and demanding a public apology, more time for thirsty fans, and payment for piggybacking on the “Chinese Democracy” publicity."

What in the crap? I guess some thousands of people actually wanted (free) Dr. Pepper. I'll be damned. Or maybe Dr. Pepper's bandwidth sucks. You choose. But you gotta love that dick's ego. When is he gonna realize that he had no talent 20 years ago, and his only real fans were 15 year old girls who wanted to fuck him?

Even if you ignore his shitty attempt at singing, he looks (and looked) like he just came off a 3 week binge of vodka, Big Macs, meth, and sloppy sex with hookers (who might not even all be female). If Lynyrd Skynyrd is king of white trash, and Kid Rock is prince, Axl is the court jester. But it's just our luck he's not the mime. Fuck Axl. Fuck GNR. And fuck Dr. Pepper. Oh, and if you bought 'Chinese Democracy,' fuck you too.

(I’m so glad my high school and Ivy Tech art classes paid off. Actually, I just realized I'm terrible at drawing dicks. That's a good thing.)

In a completely unrelated note, I'm going to post this:

LIGHTS - Drive My Soul (official music video)

$10 to the first person who names what movie this is inspired by. And be honest, no cheating. Don't go look it up, you prick.

Funniest fucking thing I've ever heard.

"An Indiana State Police trooper is being credited with saving a Lafayette donut shop, after noticing it on fire early this morning as he was passing. The trooper busted a glass door and put out the flames with a fire extinguisher.

According to a release from Indiana State Police, Trooper Ryan Winters had just finished inspecting a semi at the Knight's Inn on Indiana 26 around 1:49 a.m., when he noticed flames at the nearby Krispy Kreme donut shop at 4030 State Road 26 East as he was driving away.
Winters notified dispatchers, then busted out the front glass door to see if anyone was inside. The business was closed and nobody was inside.

According to the release, Winters grabbed a fire extinguisher and put out the fire that had started in the kitchen area."

Everyone who despises cop/donut jokes just choked on these words harder than a dick. The best part is that this was probably the most work he did all week long. He's not even a firefighter or anything. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you have your priorities straight and a real motive to act, isn't it? Motherfucker.

Simple life.

I miss playing Shingen the Ruler. And Klax. And Conquest of the Crystal Palace. I miss spending countless hours in front of the shitty-ass TV Kevin and I had in our room, (not) watching the hours pass by while we kicked the shit out of Lich and Kary in Final Fantasy, showed Bald Bull who's boss in Punchout!, and ran our asses off on the GamePad, hopping hurdles in Track & Field II.


I miss playing Super C, and Super Mario Brothers, and Tecmo Super Bowl with my father, brother, cousins, and friends, and letting those pixels teach me all about life. I miss Defender II, Lifeforce, Mega Man 2, Metroid, Dr. Mario, and Tetris. I miss smashing my controllers and shouting about how my games cheat. So what the hell happened? I miss my 8-bit life.


Fuck.

Fuck penance.

I don't really have the will or patience (or maybe creativity) to write anything funny about this. I'll just post the funny parts and let you laugh at that instead:

A Catholic priest in South Carolina has decided that the democratic act of casting a vote is, in some cases, a mortal sin. Therefore, he has decided that parishioners who voted for Barack Obama are not entitled to the grace of Jesus Christ through communion until they've done penance.

"Persons in this condition should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation."

I knew this shit wouldn't stop after the elections were over.

Damnit all to fuck.

I can't find a working torrent of Repo! anywhere. Fucking movie's only playing in six theaters too. Gonna be waiting a fucking while it seems. Anyway, here's a nice little vid of the badass Paris Hilton. Tell me she's not hot. Seriously.

Here's my braless support.

This is not the "single, greatest, and most influential moment of my life." Sorry. Most people seem to have some kind of neurological condition that forces them to believe that any and every event that occurs in their lifetime is something spectacular compared to the last five billion years of Earth's history, and that these events will be remembered for years and years.

If an average American was assigned the task of writing a history book, chronologically describing America's past based upon their own knowledge, there would be very little in the book other than the happenings within their own lives. And that's why people think that anything notable that happens in their short, miserable lives eclipses every other event in history: they're too ignorant and apathetic to research and learn on their own. But, they do get to vote. Makes sense to me.

Happy Election Day, or whatever. I voted this year too. Well, I voted by not voting. See, I think Bush needs another four years. It's not that he deserves it or anything. He was just really onto something: peace through annihilation. He's such a horribly underrated man of our time. He just forgot a few hundred other countries. But he does still have a few months left in his term. Let's hope he doesn't get lazy in the home-stretch. This is no time to start slacking off. Let the bombs fall and don't forget to save a few for us.

Update: Obama won. I'll give it to him. He did a hell of a job. But guess how much Indiana helped him out? Here, I'll circle the state on the map in case you idiots don't remember where we're located:

23 flavors that all resemble shit.

The 'vice president of marketing' for a soda company made a bet with a band that was popular twenties years ago that they'd never release the album that's been seventeen years in-the-making. Unfortunately, Dr. Pepper lost to Guns N' Roses, and now on November 23, every man, woman, and child can get a coupon for a free can of the shittiest cola in existence.

And while you're at it, pick up the shitty CD (Chinese Democracy), too. And yes, I've heard it. I downloaded it, listened to two songs, deleted it, and then took a shower. Wallowing in that shit for ten minutes made me feel sad and dirty. But then I felt like Axl: all washed-up.

"Coupons will be available for 24 hours, starting at 12:01 a.m. Eastern Time on Nov. 23, 2008. Allow 4-6 weeks for coupon to arrive. Coupons will expire on Feb. 28, 2009. Limit one coupon per person." 4-6 weeks and a limit to one per person based on the fact that there's not currently enough Dr. Pepper in the world to cater to the 300 or 400 people who will actually redeem their coupons.

"So get out your straws and chill those glasses, kids — the Dr will be in your fridge soon, all thanks to Mr. Axl Rose."

I guess this is all = bad taste x 2. Does anyone remember when Axl Rose wasn't a coke/meth/fuck/dick-head? Yeah, me neither.

'Ten Leagues Beneath Contempt'

I am the biggest fan of Cradle of Filth I know. That’s how I realized I am so badass. I was listening to Filth in junior high, while I was listening to Third Eye Blind and Sugar Ray. Metallica and Megadeth didn’t introduce me to metal. Dani Filth did.

In late 1997, when I was in 8th grade, just before “Cruelty and the Beast” was released, I stumbled upon the mp3 of ‘A Gothic Romance (Red Roses for the Devil’s Whore)’ from “Dusk and Her Embrace,” CoF’s second album. It was completely different from what I was listening to at the time, and I became immersed in black metal without really even knowing what metal was. It was before Tool, In Flames, Metallica, Children of Bodom, and Arch Enemy. I downloaded the rest of the album, and even their first album before it, “The Principle of Evil Made Flesh.” I listened to both for the next few months, and purchased “Dusk,” as well as “Cruelty and the Beast” when it released.

Since then, I’ve bought every album; EPs and LPs, all three DVDs, the “Cradle of Fear” movie, shirts, and posters. The only CD I never justified buying was the EP “Vempire or Dark Faerytales in Phallustein,” considering it was $23 for six songs (which I just downloaded instead). I brag about all of this for a reason. ‘True fans’ of Cradle of Filth over the years have drifted from each release since they ‘left’ black metal, and went for a cleaner sound. I’m referring to ‘elitists’ who claim the first album, or first few, of a band are the only worthwhile efforts, and any subsequent attempts are sell-outs.

This is interesting in Cradle of Filth’s case, considering the arguably best effort was in 2003’s “Damnation and a Day,” a concept album based around the devil’s fall from Heaven, his temptation of Man, and the events following. “Damnation” featured "the 40-piece Budapest Film Orchestra and 32-piece Budapest Film Choir and is partly based on John Milton's epic poem 'Paradise Lost.'” Definitely sold-out.

Ignoring the fact that they could simply keep “Prinicple” or “Dusk” in their CD players, they continue to bash each release more and more without giving any of it a chance. Ironically enough, some of Filth’s best work musically has been the ones that come under so much fire: “Midian,” “Damnation,” Nymphetamine,” and “Thornography,” the latter being the most recent and the most hated. So it’s no surprise that “Godspeed on the Devil’s Thunder,’ which releases at the end of this month is already despised by these cunts who claim to be fans of metal.

So I downloaded the torrent for it today. I still buy good music, like today, when I bought Amon Amarth’s newest, “Twilight of the Thunder God.” So fuck off. I wasn’t really sure what to expect, because it’s true that their sound has been changing lately, but that’s not to say that it’s horrible or it’s not metal. What I found out for myself was that “Godspeed” is the best music they’ve put out since “Damnation.”

“Godspeed” is a concept album, “based on the life of the infamous 15th century French nobleman, Giles de Rais, who fought alongside Joan of Arc and accumulated great wealth before becoming a serial killer, sexual deviant and Satanist.” Concept albums are well-known to Filth: “Cruelty” being based on Elizabeth Bathory, “Midian” being based around Clive Barker’s work, and like I mentioned before, “Damnation” being based around the devil’s fall to earth.

Just like some of their previous work, many songs feature the voice of Doug Bradley of “Hellraiser” fame, having him narrate the story while playing Giles, who the music is based upon. Without having all of the lyrics to the CD yet, I can still say “Godspeed” has some amazing penmanship, which is where Filth has always shined. Few can match Dani's singing abilities either. Musically, it compares best to their last effort of “Thornography” with the (somewhat) recent addition of Rosie Smith’s keys easily noticeable. My personal favorites from the album are ‘The Death of Love,’ ‘The 13th Caesar,’ and ‘Darkness Incarnate,’ but then again, I rarely dislike too many of their songs.

So in summary, fuck most Cradle of Filth fans, except me, and if you’ve never given them a chance before, you could. But I doubt that if you’ve never heard them before that it’s you’re kind of music. I hear Oasis has a new album out finally. Just go listen to that instead. “I saw the silver lining hidden in a mushroom cloud.”

"Godspeed on the Devil's Thunder" comes out October 28th. To hold you over, here's a guy playing a piano solo version of 'Cruelty Brought Thee Orchids' from the "Cruelty and the Beast" album:

A version of past events.

Yesterday, North Korea was taken off of the 'terrorist blacklist' after the North agreed to a series of steps in disarming its nuclear capabilities. "North Korea's Foreign Ministry said it will again allow inspections by the United States and International Atomic Energy Agency at its Yongbyon nuclear complex to verify the disablement process, pledged under a disarmament-for-aid deal with Washington and four other regional powers."

But in the 70s and 80s, eight Japanese were kidnapped by North Korean agents. So, naturally, Japan considers "that the U.S. decision was 'extremely regrettable.' He (Japanese Finance Minister Nakagawa) said that 'abductions amount to terrorist acts.'"

That's funny, because in 1876, Japan forced Korea into foreign trade with the Treaty of Ganghwa. Then in 1895, the Japanese assassinated Korean Empress Myeongseong. By 1910, Korea was militarily occupied by Japan and forced to sign the Japan-Korea Annexation Treaty. In 1919, over 7,000 Korean demonstrators were killed by Japanese police and soldiers. Beginning in 1939, over five million Koreans were forced into labor, and tens of thousands of men were forced into Japanese military. Korean language was suppressed, as well as its culture and artifacts. In 1993, Japanese Chief Cabinet Secretary Kono even acknowledged and apologized for Japan taking female Koreans as "comfort women" during this time.

During World War II, when Japan occupied Korea, the United States fought through South Korea and pushed the Japanese soldiers (and Koreans that were forced to fight) all the way to the border of China. This was done by Macarthur against President Truman's orders. The Chinese, fearing an invasion by the US, helped the Koreans and pushed back the US to the center of Korea, thus the creation of North and South Korea. The US installed a puppet government in the South (a supposed 'democratic-republic') and Russia installed their own government in the North (communist). The Cold War came into effect in the 50s and 60s, and the decades that went by created more and more of a rift between the two Koreas. It all puts a whole new perspective on our view of North Korea, doesn't it? Or Japan? Or us? I love how each country has its own version of history.

Also, "in August, North Korea backed out of negotiations with Japan aimed at resolving the abductee issue. If the issue is resolved to Japan's satisfaction, the government has said it would give North Korea as much as $10 billion in reparations for colonial occupation between 1910 and 1945." So, unless the North resolves the issue of eight Japanese, the millions of Koreans that died will never be apologized for, apparently. What a beautiful world.