Voting for dummies, part II: republicans.

So I’m back to give you a second dose of presidential seal, the kind you get to beat with clubs. But this time it’s the red party, lard-ass elephants called republicans. As I said before, this is a waste of time, because they don’t stand a chance again until 2016, when the democrats won’t stand a chance. But I’ll go through the motions and tear down the two most likely candidates for 2008.

John McCain

Alright, the first batter up this evening is Senator John McCain. This slugger son-of-a-bitch is a glass half-full-kinda fucker. His father and grandfather both served in the Navy, as admirals no less. So that meant John had a lot of catching up to do. But after serving in the Navy for 22 years, the douche only ever made it to a seat in the Senate. But like I said, it’s all in how you look at it: either be overshadowed by the harder, prouder accomplishments of his family, or share in their glory and bask in the glow of a name he doesn’t deserve, like when he says he “deeply values duty, honor and service of country” because of his father and grandfather. What a bitch.

So what does this lazy bastard think he has up his sleeve for 2008? How about: “lobbying and ethics reform?” No joke. “Those who serve in positions of public trust have a patriotic duty to serve the national interest with integrity and accountability, to conduct ourselves in a manner worthy of the people we are privileged to serve, and to devote ourselves to America's agenda, not that of narrow special interests.” That’s true, and I couldn’t have said it better. But coming from him, I’m not sure that it means the same thing that I would have intended. What I think he means is: “I’m not a liar like all of the rest. Trust me.” I just can’t believe this, because I know there are people out there eating up this shit each time he drops his pants and pinches one off, and they just stand there smiling with shit stains smeared on their faces, completely content in how it tastes, even though they know all too well that it’s shit they’re eating.

Of course, we also have the typical, mindless republican “issues” coming from this fucktard: staying in Iraq (and hoping for the best), border security (invading other countries and keeping people out of ours), veterans (yeah, we’ll see…), and definitely not surprising at all is his belief in “protecting second amendment rights.” In all honesty, I don’t give a fuck about this. I could go either way, but when it all comes down to it, I’m leaning towards McCain’s corner. I don’t hunt, I don’t need a gun to protect myself from criminals (or those scary terrorists), and if I’m going to put anything into a case, it’s not going to be a gun. If I put that kind of money down for a weapon, it’s plain and simple: someone is going to get shot. Just like promotions and hefty raises, some people just deserve it.

As I said before, all of the republicans are planning to lower taxes, and McCain has supposedly always fought for this, you think to yourself, until you stop reading his propaganda and venture outside of your little political bubble: “In 1998, McCain embraced former South Dakota Democratic Senator Tom Daschle’s motion to approve Big Tobacco’s Master Settlement Agreement, including a $1.10-per-pack cigarette-tax increase.”

Verdict: Just an average liar, but has a fetish for hollow points.

Rudolph Guiliani

Rudolph Guiliani, ex-mayor, governor, and senator, but also “for his efforts, he was named Person of the Year by Time magazine, knighted by the Queen of England, dubbed Rudy the Rock by French President Jaques Chirac, and former first lady Nancy Reagan presented him with the Ronald Reagan Presidential Freedom Award.” That’s one hell of a long title. But now it seems that he might be shooting for president too. Great, because he did a bang-up job with all of the rest, I’m sure he do just fine. After all, he’s the only person to benefit from 9/11 (other than Michael Moore).

It’s not completely definite that this dumbass is running, but then again, none of them are definite yet. And it’s not like it matters anyway, because he doesn’t stand a chance. But hypothetically if he did run, what would be the issues he would hypothetically believe in to make you hypothetically cast a hypothetically democratic vote? Lower taxes? Wow, that’s fucking original. Actually, all of the republicans are promising that this time around, and none of the democrats. But none of that shit matters anyway. Finally stupid Americans are realizing what lower taxes really mean. So they might actually comprehend it all now, and stop saying that they all lied to them.

Verdict: Rudolph the brown-nosed war profiteer.

And there you have it, five reasons not to vote in the next election. Of course, there are other potential candidates as well, but just like America's middle and lower classes, they don't fucking matter. If you’re wondering why there aren’t any green party candidates on here, then you’re a fucking dipshit. Yes, it’s possible to waste your vote even more than if you had voted red or blue, and you prove it every four years.

You know what’s sad though? If a truly honest politician actually came along one day, with every intention to do what they say, and believe in what they tell us, we would never fucking believe them. And when it all came down to it, the other, dishonest, candidate would probably win. Democracy at it’s finest. As for the verdict for the 2008 election and America’s future for the next four years: Completely fucked. See you at the poles. Oh, wait, I guess you won’t.

Voting for dummies, part I: democrats.

As promised, here are your reasons not to vote for the 2008 presidential elections. This is part one, three of the potential democrats, and part two will be the republicans. But I honestly shouldn’t even bother, because none of them stand a chance. You stupid bastards have bitched for six years now about how the republicans have fucked up the country, because you’ve apparently forgotten about how the democrats fucked it up the eight years before, and the republicans the eight before that. But it’s not like you dumbasses will even admit it. I know you see it, you just ignore it.

So here, let me start pointing it out for you, assholes. On here is one of the three people you’re going to vote for in 2008, and love for the first two years, then become unsure of in the third and forth, and then reelect for 2012 and bitch about it like it wasn’t your fault, for the four years following. But don’t worry, because for 2016 someone better will run, right?


Hilary Clinton

According to Mrs. Clinton’s official site, she is considered “a champion for women.” That’s one big, bold fucking claim, concerning a woman who feels complacent and accepting of infidelity. Is this really someone we should consider a leader of women’s rights? “Hillary will continue her lifelong fight to ensure that all Americans are treated with respect and dignity.” If you don’t respect yourself, how can you fight for the respect of others? You can’t.

She also plans to “strengthen” the middle class if elected. “No American will be invisible to the president of the United States.” That’s a hell of a lot of propaganda, which is to be expected before the election. But come on, are we really that fucking stupid? First of all, the working class will always be invisible. That’s what capitalism is. If you take away the lower and upper classes, what do you have? Communism. America is what it is because the middle class is invisible. So I’m not sure where she’s going with this. And second, technically she’s right about no one being invisible, that is, until she’s elected. She needs your votes. So there is a bit of truth to it.

Of course, we also can’t forget the stance on the war in Iraq. Just like the other two democrats on this list, she’s using the dissatisfaction with the current course of our “war on terror” to her advantage. In truth, none of them could give a fuck about what’s really going on or how we feel, but that doesn’t mean they can’t pretend. Maybe you just keep voting because you’re hoping for the day that what you think is lies will turn out to have at least a small bit of truth.

Verdict: A weak role model and loves a good ruse.


Barack Obama

A Kenyan goat herder. A man born into honest work can’t be another lying politician, can he? Well, he’s definitely got a lot of good shit on his side to say he isn’t: fighting against poverty for so many years and Darfur. But take a look at his issues. It might just be me, but if I didn’t know otherwise, I’d say he was a fucking republican in sheep’s clothing.

First, we have “Senator Obama has fought to strengthen America's position in the world... preventing the spread of weapons of mass destruction.” I think we’ve all had enough of American imperialism. But then I guess he knows that too, which is why, ironically enough, “before the war in Iraq ever started, Senator Obama said that it was wrong in its conception.” So which is it then? Is he actually just like Bush, but still needs our votes, or is he just a fucking moron?

“Barack Obama has been a leader in fighting for open and honest government.” Well, he’s off to a good fucking start. But what the hell does that mean anyway? It’s a complete contradiction in itself. I mean, is he planning on rising up and destroying the government from the inside and completely changing everything, or is he just the first politician to feed us a shovel-full of bullshit because it’s exactly what we want to hear? Neither. The real answer is: you’re fucking dense.

Verdict: A republican who wears a lot of blue.


John Edwards

All of the democratic issues are the exact same this time around, which isn’t surprising: withdrawing from Iraq, getting proper care for veterans, good health care and insurance, Darfur, global warming, and helping the middle class. John Edwards is no different. But one thing that stands out with him among the other douchebags is Edwards is “personally committed to the cause of poverty.” “Edwards has outlined an ambitious agenda to eliminate poverty within a generation.” What the fuck? Alright, this is somewhat similar to Hilary’s fight for the middle class, but this takes all of that to a whole new level. While I wasn’t completely sure of her intentions, Edwards comes right the fuck out and says it. If the guy’s not a socialist, then I guess I don’t know what socialism is. “Eliminate poverty?” It’s not even possible. And are there really people out there dumb enough to believe it is?

“Edwards will restore our energy independence by asking Americans to be patriotic about something other than war and building a new energy economy based on clean renewable energy and energy efficiency.” Holy shit. Wake the fuck up. Ninety-seven percent of Americans are too selfish to care about the future of this planet or what kind of world their children will live in. The other three percent are free-love, dope fiend hippies. Those are real statistics.

Of course, just like all of the rest, Edwards plans on pulling out troops in Iraq: 50,000 to 60,000 and then all of them within a year because “America's image overseas has been tarnished by the war in Iraq.” I’m sure something like this will really happen, because Americans would staple the president’s balls (and yes, I think Hilary has balls) to their desk in the Oval Office if they didn’t. But mark my words, it won’t be all. And if you think it’s the Iraq war that tarnished our name, then you don’t read American history.

Verdict: A dreamer who is completely fucking crazy.


So, since the republicans don't stand a motherfucking chance next time around, and these three are the more popular democrats, one of those pieces of shit are your next president. Good luck with that. There's a reason that their political icon is a jack-ass.

-Coming next: Part II: Republicans.

What's in a name?

I was recently sent a link by “The Beardman” to a report on a couple, Pat and Sheena Wheaton, from New Zealand, who wanted to name their newborn “4real.” The country denied the couple the name, and said that they wouldn’t allow it because of the use of a digit beginning the name.

"For most of us, when we try to figure out what our names mean, we have to look it up in a babies book and ... there's no direct link between the meaning and the name," Pat Wheaton told TV One. "With this name, everyone knows what it means." Of course it does, shit-for-brains. Now everyone knows that there’s two people in New Zealand that should be dragged into the street and flogged by big fucking clubs with bent, rusty nails.

New Zealand law states that all children must be registered with the Births, Deaths and Marriages registry within two months of the birth, and if no compromise has been reached by July 9th, the baby’s name will be registered as "real." God, I fucking hope so. So, speaking of “real,” here’s a real list of names given to kids in America within the last few years:

Stalin (bet that kid gets beat the fuck up a lot)
Infinite (stupidity, not choices)
Stallone
Godly (his parents are going to Hell, most definitely)
Truth
Hey (that's right, cut through the b.s. and make a greeting their name)
Abyss (means hollow or empty, great celebrity name)
Dwarf
Charm
Dweezil (same as Stalin, only for the rest of his life)
Sunshine
Confession
As-Matik (oh, that’s fucking clever)
Chevette
Sparkle
Unique (many cases for boys and girls, ironically enough)
Virgin ($10 says she’s the first to lose it in her class)
Prince (so now there’s two girls with this name)
ZC
Chaos (you stupid fucking goths)
Sin
Moon Unit
Tall
Choice (maybe her parents should have been Pro-Choice)
Beautiphul
Boat (at least it wasn’t Whale)
Albert (a girl named Albert, sexy)
Galaxy
Satan (that's fucking original...)
Nada
Final
Destiny (probably going fucking nowhere)
Latrina (“Yeah, it used to be shithouse.” “Good change, it’s a good change.”)
Aquanetta
Velshita (cheese commentary)
Beeger
NyQuell (good beverage, not a good name)
Cocaine
Skeeter Head
Bestiality (holy fuck...)
Q-bert
Rosie Thorn (aka High-Maintenance Bitch)
Bridge (everyone’s been on top of her once or twice)
Hitler (I take back Stalin and Dweezil, this kid will live a very short life)
Jihad (seriously has to suck right now...)
Random

Not to mention the stories spread around about kids being named things like Clamidia, Syphillis, Gonorrhea, Urine, and Vagina. There is even one case in New York of a Knight Sir Lancelot. Yeah, 4real.

And of course the infamous celebrity kids’ names like: Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow), Speck (John Mellencamp), Phinnaeus (Julia Roberts), Kal-El (yes, Nic Cage named his kid fucking Superman), Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee), Audio Science (Shannyn Sossamon), Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson), and the greatest one of all...Bono’s son, Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q. I swear to fucking God I didn’t make that up.

The future of our nation sure does look bright, doesn’t it? How does Senator Skeeter Head sound, or President Moon Unit? Or how about July’s Playboy pin-up, Albert? It sounds fucking awesome. I’m a bit partial to Velshita though. That one’s very classy.


-Coming next: I’ll give you some reasons not to vote in the next presidential election (here’s a hint: all of the reasons are people’s names).

Sweet home Indiana.

I just realized something new today. Indiana really, completely, truly fucking sucks. Oh, wait. That's not new. That's not new at all. My apologies.

On second though: Fuck Indiana. If it was on the edge of the map, we'd all jump off and kick it away out to sea. There's so much corn in this state that it makes my comparing it to a turd with chunks of corn way too fucking easy.

Shat's the shit.

See that man over there to the right? That man is the shit, and yet, all he gets from you is shit. That is Captain James T. Kirk, you selfish, unworthy cockstain. I hope you’re on your hands and knees right now, because he is watching you through this fucking picture.

This is the same Kirk that beat the unbeatable Kobayashi Maru mission in the Academy by telling them to stick it and cheating like a real man, way back in 2254 (has it been that long?). The same Kirk that went back in time to the 1930s Great Depression through a talking time portal called the “Guardian of Forever” to change back the timeline after an ODing Dr. McCoy jumped through, altered the past, and fucked everything up, who whined like the bitch that he was. This is the same motherfucker that volunteered to repair a section of a ship that wasn’t his after an accident he didn’t cause and getting caught in a red-ribbon time nexus allowing him to live until 2371 when Captain Picard came and pulled his ass out of the pretty dreamland to fight against some space redneck with delusions of grandeur who thought he had to blow up a star to jump into the same fairytale world these two tough bastards had already fucking done, without even trying nonetheless. What a fucking douche.

Kirk had the brawn, he had the brains, and he got all of the alien honeys you only dream of when you’re masturbating in your sister’s bedroom with Woolfie keeping you company. His sweatshirt-muscled machine guns were so chiseled that he knocked out teeth just from the wind of his short fell swings. Kirk also got every hot piece of tail from here to Rura Penthe. Hell, I’ll even bet he fucked your mom on shore leave. You might even be Shat’s seed. Ha! That’s a fucking laugh, you pansy piece of shit. You’re no ass-handing, tail-tagging, starship captain’s heir to the throne of all that is sacred and was never put in the Bible.

I think you’re just fucking jealous. You’re just a fucking Jerkins loving nerd who probably watched Deep Space Nine, ass clown. I’ll bet you knew everything I said about Captain James T. God before I even said it, didn’t you, pimpled pervert. You’re so fucking pathetic. Here, I think Jim said it best when he said, “Let them die!” Fuck yes, Jim, fuck yes.

Darwin kicked simian ass!

Okay, so maybe I was a little harsh on Chuck. In all honesty, the man was right. I can’t deny pure scientific evidence. The facts are there. Maybe I was just looking for someone to blame. Chuck doesn’t deserve that though. I agree that evolution does exist, or did at least. See, that’s the problem. I think Darwin was really onto something there. And for quite a while, he was right. But he’s not anymore.

After spending too many fucking years of being surrounded by beer-bellied, wife beating, too-extremely-homophobic-to-not-be-gay hillbillies, I've advanced upon Darwin’s original observations and ideas with a little something I like to call The Theory of Regression. So get that Nobel ready, bitches. Sorry, Chuck, we're just not as smart as you thought. What did you expect from a bunch of fucking shit-throwing apes? A fucking mess is what I'd say.

A guide to modern American culture, part II.

I would love to say American culture is still apple pie, baseball, and honest appreciation for the American flag, but I’d be lying if I did. Hell, maybe 50 years ago I would have been lying too. But I’m here to help you connect to modern American culture in the second half of this guide. Here are three final tips:

5. Hollywood Owns Your Soul and You’re Paying Them to Keep It

Hollywood and the American Judicial System, they just love blowing each other. Hell, they even do it right in public, standing in front of a big-ass sign that says “Suck me off for reduced jail time!” But in all honesty, that doesn’t really get to me as much as it should. After all, that’s all America even cares about: money. It’s you assholes that give them the power to do as they please. It’s your fault Paris will come out of jail thinking she actually went to jail. It’s your fault that dolts like Anna Nicole Smith get any attention at all (the coke-whore is dead, get over it).

And you know what? You murdered Princess Diana. Sure, we all know how the paparazzi followed her into the tunnel, but why were they following her? Because of you. Stop buying all of those stupid magazines they tell you how to dress because Lindsey Lohan wears it, or how many thousands of babies Angelina Jolie plans on adopting in the next twenty years, or where Tom Cruise went for a walk last Thursday, or whether or not Britney will hook back up with whatever the fuck his name is. Stop hating them for having money as you hand them your fucking paycheck. Stop using them as scapegoats for the fact that you’re a giant piece of shit that the world can’t seem to flush down. Or you can keep buying those magazines that tell you you’re fat and then you can go bitch about it to your friends and talk about how all men care about is tits and good looks. At least you have a grip on reality, which brings me to tip #6:

6. Reality TV is Only as Real as Those Who Watch

Thank you, Real World, thank you. MTV will stop at nothing in their global pursuit to conquer and destroy the minds of children. Guess what? To get my fucking point across, I’m going to try to list as many fucking reality shows made since the start of Real World as I can, or until I get sick of typing. I just hope I don’t run out of room on the blog. There’s no particular order, due to the fact that I don’t give a fuck about making this any easier:

Road Rules, Lacuna Beach, The Osbournes, Newlyweds, The Surreal Life, Hogan Knows Best, Celebrity Fit Club, Strange Love, Flavor of Love, My Fair Brady, Breaking Bonaduce, Celebrity Paranormal Project, I Love New York, Temptation Island, The 1900 House, Big Brother, Big Brother VIP, Celebrity Big Brother, Survivor, Survivor All-Stars, Dancing with the Stars, Project Greenlight, The Biggest Loser, Making the Band, The Simple Life, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette,The Apprentice, America’s Next Top Model, Nashville Star, Hell’s Kitchen, Project Runway, Rock Star, The Club, The Big Break, The Contender, The Ultimate Fighter, Changing Rooms, Trading Spaces, The Swan, Extreme Makeover, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Supernanny, Made, What Not to Wear, Pimp My Ride, Overhaulin’, Blind Date, Scare Tactics, Punk’d, The Joe Schmo Show, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, Space Cadets, Invasion Iowa, Joe Millionaire, Boy Meets Boy, Pop Idol, The Restaurant, The Hills, The Amazing Race, Fear Factor, American Chopper, The First 48, Bands on the Run, Star Search, America’s Got Talent, Celebrity Duets, The Real Gilligan’s Island, Top Chef, Treasure Hunters, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, The Scholar, 30 Days, Age of Love, Adventures in Hollywood, Mindfreak, Crowned, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Dirty Dancing, Breaking Up, Beauty and the Geek, American Princess, America’s Top Cowboy, Celebrity Poker, Ghost Hunters, Family Jewels, House of Carters, Identity, Kid Nation, Last Comic Standing, Poker Royale, Shooting Sizemore, So You Think You Can Dance?, Solitary, Sons of Hollywood, The Agency, Starting Over, The Girls Next Door, The Million Dollar Idea, Bridezilla, The Next Big Thing, The Real Housewives, Trick My Truck, Who’s Your Daddy?, Wife Swap, The Singing Bee, The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll, The Search for the Next Great American Band, Ex-Wives Club, The X Effect, Yo Momma, the two new Who Wants to be a Superhero? and Pirate Master, and of course I could never forget American Idol, the only reason some people haven’t hung themselves from a fifth floor balcony yet.

That’s the list. For those of you that just passed over it, there’s 114 shows including Real World. I definitely missed a lot of shitty shows that were actually worse than those listed, but then again, they’re all complete shit. Also, if you want to dispute whether a certain show is actually reality TV, don’t. By watching these shows you’ve lost your sense of reality, and so therefore are no longer any sort of authority on the subject. I could keep going with this, but it’s all been said before and I think the list speaks for itself.

7. *[[~i WHent 2 pUblek Skooole && im KEwL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~]]*

American kids are fucking stupid. In all seriousness, I can probably just leave this section at that, but I'll elaborate since most people are too shallow or too chicken shit to admit it. As if MTV, Seventeen, American Idol, Disney, and the kids’ parents weren’t enough, the shitholes that they spend seven hours a day, five days a week in are probably their biggest deterrents to leading happy lives. But it does prepare them for real life, as an adult. To get kids to this point of preparation they need to destroy free will and creativity, encourage them to overcome faults and minor shortcomings by harassment, instill good values like segregation, favoritism, and idolatry, and teach them our history the way it really happened, from their point of view. If it wasn’t for public school, America wouldn’t be this bright beacon of hope for the rest of the world.

But how stupid are these kids really? These are the same pricks that never grow up and let their kids act the same fucking way. The same bitches that go out drinking with the twenty-something whores that she calls friends while her three month old kid is being taken care of by a forty-year old grandma. These are the same assholes that use “leet” talk and spell “hacker” as “hax0r” while trying to pretend that they know what the word actually means. They’re also the same stupid fucks that think writing a series of 0’s and 1’s means that they understand binary. Know what it really means? It means that they're telling you that if you were to multiply the entire series of numbers, the sum would be their level of I.Q. They’re no different than gangstas with their ghetto bullshit, rednecks and their erosion of English, or yuppies that think they understand English. I sucked at math in school, but I’m still certain that you can only count to 1337 and that it’s not just one word when said. How in the fuck do bus driver's keep themselves from beating these little bastards. I'm going to start a committee to raise funds for each school bus to be able to have a baseball bat tucked away behind the driver's seat.

So how do you feel? Do you feel more American? Not sure? Well, here, I’ll help you out. If you love all-you-can-eat buffets, are too lazy to make your marriage last but keep starting new ones, take any kind of drug advertised on TV, bitch about gas prices and do nothing about it, masturbate to Orlando Bloom because he’s pretty (male) or because he’s “sensitive” (female), buy magazines for beauty tips or “star status”, vote republican or vote democrat, believe the reality show you watch is better than all the rest, and if you went to public school and feel proud, then it’s definitely safe to say that you’re an “honest-to-God”, Starbucks-lovin’, good-hearted American who appreciates this great dosage of freedom our soldiers are fighting for. I do find it a little funny though, that we found freedom over 200 years ago on our own soil and yet we keep losing it and it always seems to turn up in odd places, specifically the Middle East and Eurasia. Once this little fight for freedom is over we need to grab hold of that son of a bitch and not let go this time. Freedom must be about as slippery as a bar of soap in the shower. But it sure smells good when you do have a hold of it and you’re all lathered up, doesn’t it? Fucking morons.

A guide to modern American culture, part I.

The first part of this guide features four easy tips to be more American. Maybe you’re not American enough, and need a little help getting there. Then this guide is for you:

1. If You Run Out of Food, Just Eat Your Own Fat Ass

On the topic of obesity, Wikipedia says, “In its simplest conception, obesity is only made possible when the lifetime energy intake exceeds lifetime energy expenditure by more than it does for individuals of ‘normal weight’.” Basically what that means is stopping fucking eating. When you feel yourself getting full, you’re body isn’t making a suggestion. It’s telling your fat fucking ass to close your fat fucking mouth. Going on a binge isn’t like a running a marathon, except for the fact that it’s just plain stupid. But it’s not a challenge. If you think it’s some kind of fun competition or feat you can prove to your dumbass friends, well, then 127 million other Americans are doing it too. You’re not original, and you’re not badass, you’re just fucking stupid and leave a slight taste of vomit in the mouths of people around you. Put down the fucking porkchop and take a breath. Overweight men and women should know their damn boundaries. That means showing any inch of skin except your hands, face, and three necks is unacceptable. I hope the next fat bitch in a bikini gets diabetes.

2. If Shit Gets Hard, Just Quit

The United States has a divorce rate of 50% for first-time marriages and even higher for second and third. If that’s not pathetic enough, the United States has the highest divorce rate in the entire world, even almost doubling the second, Mexico. Only Americans could fuck up something as sacred as marriage, which is predated before recorded history. Probably the most interesting is the statistics based on women filing for divorce instead of men. According to the American Law and Economics Review, “Women currently file slightly more than two-thirds of divorce cases in the US,” and “Evidence is given that among college-educated couples, the divorce filing rate by women approaches 90%.” Ninety fucking percent? What could cause a twenty-something woman to come to that point? Well, this is what Rebekah Hass, a writer for Associated Content and a woman, has to say about it:

“I believe lack of commitment is the major American reason for getting divorced. Couples of past generations seem to have understood commitment so much better. I am always amazed when I read the stories of World War II brides who married after knowing their fiancée for only a few days, weeks, or months-then went on to spend fifty or more years together. It couldn't have all been a ‘bed of roses.’ These couples understood commitment."

The dictionary defines commitment as: “The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons.” Rebekah also states that another reason for divorce by lazy fucking Americans is "an inability to work through difficulties. When the going gets tough, Americans tend to quit. It is easier to just walk away than to work through the problems." With so many divorces, and multiple divorces as well, what kind of effect is that having on children and teenagers? Showing a lack of interest in solving problems and keeping promises surely carries over to the youth. Not only that, it makes people believe love is something it’s not, and that it's not worth working for. So why do Americans misinterpret love and what it really means?

"Unfortunately, Americans base their views on what love is primarily from what they see in the movies or on television, or read in a novel. Love according to these sources is that special, heart-throbbing feeling that you get from just seeing someone or hearing their voice. Almost every couple will experience these feelings, especially when they are first dating. For many U.S. couples, when the ‘feelings’ fade away and the reality of actually living with and being committed to someone with all their faults and failures sinks in, that's when the marriage dies. The individuals move on to the next ‘exciting’ person who comes along, until they ‘feel’ like they are ‘in love’ again."

Update 05/27/07: Here's some more information to help tie this all together. According to Marriages, Families & Intimate Relationships, "Married adults now divorce two-and-a-half times as often as adults did 20 years ago and four times as often as they did 50 years ago," and "Perhaps 25% of children ages 16 and under live with a stepparent." The main purpose of this second section was to point out not only how fake Americans are when it comes to emotions, but to also show how this destroys families. Face it, family life in America is a joke. No, it's not a silly little punch line. It's actually fucking pathetic. Americans are spoiled, selfish, pretentious, artificial assholes. Then again, maybe the fact that our country is embarrassing to the rest of the world isn't actually our own fault. Maybe it's karma, and we just fucking deserve it.

3. The Pill-Popping Placebo Effect

This one's for the junkies. And by junkies, I mean your minivan-driving soccermom, your grouchy, senile grandpa, and your fake-ass high school guidance counselor. These are the people that buy opium and the chronic off commercials. And fuck me, is there a lot of commercials. Hey, your T.V. has never lied to you, right? You dim fucks believe every little thing that you read in books and hear from doctors. They tell you what you want to hear and you give them the money they want to have. Medicine = Business, you stupid bastards. There is no such thing as non-profit in America. It's because of a little thing called capitalism. Doctors, surgeons, nurses, dentists, therapists, they're all there for a fucking paycheck. You know that sweet, old lady who offers you a lollipop while you wait for the doctor? She's just passing the time until payday. Is that wrong? Fuck no. But does that make your hospital any less of a corporation? Once again, no.

Everyone seems to have a fucking disorder today: ADD, bipolar, depression, insomnia, anxiety, impotence. The only pills I don't see are probably the only ones they need. Will they ever try to cure naivety? Probably not, they'll just stick to depressants like Lunesta, Ambien, and Valium; antidepressants like Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, and Zyban; and cock pills like Viagra, Levitra, and Enzyte (eat shit, Bob). Of course, we can’t forget the be-all, end-all Ritalin, which no child should be without, because before video games and T.V. children never acted like that. You gullible fucks are all so doped up with bottled happiness and joy tablets that you don't know what's real and what's not anymore. Welcome to 1984, assholes.

Some other commercials I'm getting sick of seeing are these fucking herpes pills, like Valtrex. I can see how this is needed though, since the U.S. is full of so many stupid whores. I also wonder if this relates to the divorce statistics and lack of commitment in some way. I'm sure there are some that fit into both categories, so it's too bad you never understood commitment because now that virus is definitely committed to you. I’m also tired of these speed junkies and their diet pills, like Zantrex 3. “Yes!” You fat fucks will never be runway models, just obese, pathetic junkies.

4. Pumping Gas and Kicking Ass

Alright, the 15th came and went. I’m not a big conspiracy nut and part of me didn’t really think it would change much. But I didn’t fill up, trying to do my part. A few days later and the price skyrockets another thirty cents, bringing the local price to around $3.49-$3.59, and the Indiana average to $3.39, the highest average for Indiana ever recorded. That’s an awfully suspicious coincidence, or not. Regardless, this is bullshit. I never join in when people bitch and moan about gas going up three, seven, or ten cents. I don’t talk about the weather, or the news, and I don’t talk about saving nineteen cents by driving to the other side of town. But when a gallon is pushing four dollars, I start thinking of things that would probably get me in a shitload of trouble.

I’ve thought about it, and I’ve come up with a new thing to try. Statistics proved big oil wouldn’t and didn’t lose much at all on the 15th. So instead of no one in the United States pumping gas on one day, how about everyone in the United States pumping a full tank of gas and not paying? Imagine it, the whole nation doing a “pump and run.” The police couldn’t arrest us all. And while not giving them business for a day seems like it would work, stealing gas from them would hurt them much worse and it would make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that I did such a noble thing. I can see the headlines: “Pump and Run: A Nation United" and this could be the picture on the front:

Darwin was a dumbass.

Don’t get me wrong. He had some things going for him. His long beard was badass, and I mean Hell’s Angels badass. He also created jobs. I’ll bet you never thought of that one before. Where would scientists be without Darwin? Fucking nowhere, that’s where. Darwin was building a bigass rocket while the rest of those dumb motherfuckers were still chiseling out a wheel. If it wasn’t for Darwin, the “brains” today would be eating out of the trash and sucking dick for rock. But despite his heavy metal beard and finding jobs for a bunch of would-be has-beens, he was one big dumbass too.

Chuck wrote about evolution, the progression and adaptation of the human species, also drawing from and relating to the theory of Eugenics, which was genetic mumbo-jumbo bullshit made up by his half-assed cousin, Francis Galton. Francis was a “special” person, and the family tried to encourage him and make him feel normal and intelligent, but deep down they knew, while well intentioned, he just wasn’t right in the head. Since they obviously and unfortunately didn’t keep him chained up in the cellar, a somewhat well-known blond-haired, blue-eyed group of socialists came to agree with his doodles and scribbles, and took it upon themselves to make sure everyone else agreed too. Poor Francis, you should have stuck to finger-painting.

Despite having a dumbass for a cousin, Darwin was determined to outwit and outsmart the world and make sure he was always considered right by basically calling them all monkeys. I mean, technically, that’s pretty fucking smart. I think it went something like this: “Let’s see, how can I present my point and insult them at the same time…? My theory is we have evolved from and alongside our primate brothers which means you’re all a bunch of banana molesting damn dirty apes.” He fucking nailed it. A lot of people agreed, but of course there were some that didn’t. They were angry at what he said. But they weren’t angry at him, just the fact that someone pointed out that they couldn’t stop scratching their asses and smelling their fingers and loved to throw their own dung. And so “The Origin of Species” was born.

His big brainstorming didn’t really start until he went for a ride on some boat named after a hound dog or something. He spent about five years studying geology, fossils, and all kinds of new shit. Darwin met a lot of scholars, professors, and colleagues on his travels, because apparently he was considered hot shit back then too.

I hate to be the one to say it, but Darwin was a dumbass. Look around you. What do you see? I know what I see, and it’s a bunch of fucking apes. I don’t see evolution. I see hillbillies picking their noses, grunting and pretending to not be in love with the sight of their own dicks. I don’t see progression or adaptation. I see the fucking Discovery Channel. I see rednecks, gangstas, hippies, and yuppies who need fenced in and stared at by children and their parents who will spend $10 to educate the true human race on what “Eugenics” really is. Goodall traveled 300 days a year to study chimps, but the bitch could have just stayed home. Survival of the fittest? Natural selection is complete bullshit. This is what Mother Nature selected? Then fuck her! I say we step in and do our part to help out. Stop feeding the fucking animals.

"Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground. Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they forge a blade, and where there's one they're bound to divide it right in two.

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground. Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive so misguided is a mystery." --Tool (10,000 Days - "Right in Two")

Was Jerry really Jesus?

Well, you heard it here first, folks: Jerry was not Jesus. The morning came and there was no news of his rising back from the dead on CNN, FOX, or the Weather Channel (I was expecting the sky to fall if he did). And his corpse is not missing, but in actuality, is still being prepped to rot for eternity in dirt with the worms.

Donations for Jerry and his family or the Liberty University should be made in the form of blank checks and then dropped off at my house. And don't worry about the amount on the check, I'm sure God will tell me what is appropriate. Right, Jerry? *Sniff* I think I smell something burning...

Update 05/19/07: Damn, just when I thought I was through wasting my breath on this son of a bitch, I stumbled across more things he said here:
http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2007/05/jerry_falwell_q.html

The first one about prostitutes is actually kind of funny, but the rest just piss me off...

“Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions.”

“Textbooks are Soviet propaganda.”

“It appears that America's anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men's movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening.”

But instead of getting angry, Jerry, I know what you deserve instead. I'm going to forget you. If someone mentions your name around me again, I'm going to act like I've never heard of you. Maybe eventually I'll be telling the truth, and maybe if enough people do the same, you will be forgotten forever. Goodbye, you cunt.

Jerry gently passes away.

Jerry Falwell was found unconscious by his colleague, Ron Godwin, in his office around 10:45 a.m. on Tuesday after they had breakfast together. He later died at Lynchburg General Hospital after CPR was unsuccessful. It’s so sad. That is not how this man should have died. I can't believe no one had the balls to step up to the plate and take a swing at this piece of shit. He should have gone out crying like a bitch and gurgling his own blood. How this fucker made it to 73, I will never understand.

For a little bit of information on who Jerry was, let’s see what his self-founded Liberty University had to say about him:

“Falwell was not particularly religious until his sophomore year of college in 1952, when Falwell said he underwent a religious conversion. Instead of accepting an offer to play professional baseball with the St. Louis Cardinals, he transferred to the Baptist Bible College in Springfield, Mo.”

He turned down professional baseball? Religious conversion, my ass. I’ll bet he was just too chicken shit to take the chance of getting his ass handed to him in the big leagues.

“Four years later, Falwell returned to Lynchburg, where he founded Thomas Road Baptist Church, which started with 35 members. Today, the church has 24,000 members and the annual revenues of all of his ministries total more than $200 million.”

Holy fuck! No wonder he didn’t play baseball. There’s just not enough money in professional sports to support a man and his family anymore. No, for that you need religion.

I think Jerry thought he was Jesus. He once said the Bible was "the inerrant Word of God, and totally accurate in all respects." Jerry also said that the Antichrist would be a male Jew who may already be alive. Jesus, Jerry, could you say anything worse for yourself? Of course you could. After September 11th, Jerry claimed gays and feminists were to blame by incurring the wrath of God.

And no porn, Jerry? You apparently wanted to judge everything and everyone except the Bible. Come on, Jerry, it's just porn. You may have enjoyed doing it, but I just can't bring myself to jerk off to any of the chapters in "Exodus."

Jerry was one stupid bastard, and just like a brain-damaged little kid who licks the frost in a freezer, Jerry just kept coming back for more. He once said, “I do question the sincerity and non-violent intentions of some civil rights leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Mr. James Farmer, and others, who are known to have left wing associations,” and "Labor unions should study and read the Bible instead of asking for more money. When people get right with God, they are better workers." Maybe Jerry died choking on some of his own words. Or maybe God just got sick of Jerry speaking for Him, and finally told Jerry what He really thought with a big fucking lightning bolt.

Like I said, I think Jerry thought he was Jesus, but I think a lot of other people did too. Well, we all remember Jesus rose from the dead three days later. So I guess we’ll see if Jerry finds his way back tomorrow. If he does, then I'll admit I was wrong, and Jerry will be my true lord and savior. I promise.

But for now, I hope you packed some sunscreen, Jerry, because I hear Hell is pretty hot this time of year. So long, motherfucker.

This is year zero.

I remember back in May 2005 when With Teeth was released. Until that point, I really hadn’t listened to Nine Inch Nails, or frontman Trent Reznor, much other than the singles that everyone has heard. I went June 2006 to Indianapolis with someone to the tour of the same name, and I remember bitching and moaning about the shitty opening bands and not expecting much from NIN. Turns out, it was one of the best shows I have seen.

So when April 17 came, and Year Zero released, I decided to give it a try. My favorite music was always the concept albums, like Pink Floyd’s The Wall and Marilyn Manson’s Holywood, and I found out that this was just that.

Year Zero takes place about 15 years in the future, projecting an Orwellian vision of where America is headed based upon its current actions and course. It’s a political statement by Reznor, attacking government, religion, and greed. The album is the first part of two in the little tale of prophecy. I wouldn’t normally write a review on a CD, but Year Zero is different, by the most interesting of the story being the elaborate back-story created through propaganda/pamphlets, websites, and emails.

Building up to its initial release, t-shirts, posters, and websites featured hidden messages directing people to other websites telling stories and giving information about the future and timeline including: the totalitarian government, the Resistance, war, a new church/religion called the Church of Plano, the revolutionary drug called Parepin, and something called The Presence.

Throughout the following weeks fans found leaked songs (which the RIAA tried to sue for, but found that the leaks were intentional) with new messages, like phone numbers. Even at one event on April 13, fans were given large “ammunition” boxes from the Resistance including: pamphlets, fliers, buttons, and even cell phones. The cell phones came with notes stating, "If you are 18 or over, and will be in the Los Angeles area Wednesday, April 18th we need you. If not, give this hardware to someone else. This phone is your membership card to the resistance. Within the next few days, we will use it to contact you with details of this first resistance meeting. It will get you and one friend through the door. Keep it charged, and keep it with you at all times. Most importantly, there are only 100 minutes on these phones, so use them up and you'll be SOL. We'll be in touch."

This was all to create the story and feel of Year Zero. As far as the basics go, in the year 2022, the right-winged government has introduced a new drug into America’s water source, claiming it will build up your immune system to protect against biological warfare. In reality, it calms the citizens and makes them more complacent, more accepting. A resistance has sprung up and fights back against church and state, that are almost one and the same now. There also seems to be a story of a new plague affecting the world called the Red Horse Virus. There are many characters introduced, like the Angry Sniper, who seems to be the narrator on “The Great Destroyer” with lyrics like:

“Say your name
Try to speak as clearly as you can
You know everything gets written down
Nod your head
Just in case they could be watching
With their shiny satellites"

"I hope they cannot see
The limitless potential
Living inside of me
To murder everything
I hope they cannot see
I am the Great Destroyer”

There are also others vaguely mentioned in songs, but fleshed out on the websites, like John of Boston, who senses The Presence. Within the Year Zero timeline, The Presence is the most mysterious. It seems to be like a giant, ghostly hand that reaches down from the sky (featured on the main cover of the album) and fills people with great fear, insignificance, and forgetfulness. The government has caught wind of the sightings and while blaming it on hallucinations from the new drug, Parepin, also goes around taking custody of these people and putting them in a place called Judson Orgam Correctional Facility. It seems to all be building up to the coming of The Presence on February 10, 0000. The most interesting part about The Presence came from the very first song leak of “My Violent Heart” in which the song ends with five seconds of static. Amazingly, someone decided to run it through an audio spectrometer, and found this image:


The album, and its future counterpart, stands to serve as a warning. The road we are traveling may end different than what we hope for. Lyrics from “Me, I’m Not” sum up his warning best:

“I can win this war

By knowing not to fight

If I take it all back

Some way, somehow

If I knew back then

What I know right now”

There is much more at work here than what appears on the surface. Understanding more of the story makes each time you listen different from the last. Probably the most comprehensive source for the story is the Unofficial Nine Inch Nails Wiki at:

http://www.ninwiki.com/Main_Page

Also interesting is that Reznor is in talks for turning Year Zero and its follow-up album into movies.
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/news/upcoming_releases/new_nine_inch_nails_album_to_become_movie.html

So don't be the whiny bitch like I used to be. Give Reznor and Year Zero a chance, because "I would never tell you anything that wasn't absolutely true that hadn't come right from His mouth and He wants me to tell you."

Clearing the smoke.

I just happened to be checking the latest movie news on IMDb the other day, and ran across this article (which drove me to write the first blog):

“Smoke in Movies -- Get an ‘R’”

In a rare alteration of its movie ratings system, the MPAA said on Thursday that the panel that assesses Hollywood movies will begin considering "depictions that glamorize smoking or movies that feature pervasive smoking outside of a historic or other mitigating context." Until now, the subjects that movie raters have primarily considered are violence, language, nudity, and drugs. In a statement, MPAA CEO Dan Glickman said, "There is broad awareness of smoking as a unique public health concern due to nicotine's highly addictive nature, and no parent wants their child to take up the habit. ... The appropriate response of the rating system is to give more information to parents on this issue."

So even though smoking is not illegal in real life, if you’re on screen in a drama, action movie, or fantasy, smoking cigarettes is now against the law? Amazing, nicotine is so addictive that you can actually get hooked while watching the badass John McClane smoke cigarettes and German terrorists. I just hope that machine gun he’s blasting doesn’t turn my way. You fucking morons.

I decided to dig a little deeper and found the complete article in Adobe format on the MPAA official site. The link is below, but here are some excerpts:

"The rating board has comprehensively reviewed depictions of smoking in every rated film over the past several years. From July 2004 to July 2006, the percentage of films that included even a fleeting glimpse of smoking dropped from 60% to 52%. Of those films, 75% received an R rating for other factors. So, three out of every four films that contained any smoking at all over the past few years are already rated R."

So three out of four movies that feature someone smoking usually receive an R-rating already? How does that justify sacrificing the profits from a higher rating? Most movies that are labeled as R usually end up making far less than that of a PG-13 grade. Many producers will push filmmakers to go for PG-13 instead to increase total profit, at least on screen.

The article goes on to say:

"They (parents) often tell us that they cannot recall a recent incident in which they took their child to a G, PG or PG-13 film and found a scene involving smoking that was objectionable."

Parents can’t recall ever seeing an "objectionable" scene involving someone smoking during PG-13 movies, and yet they’re still going to attempt to change the rating system? Why would they type a paragraph like this one right below the last when it completely debunks the entire thing? What movies do they plan on changing ratings for when no movies fall under this category? I don’t know why I expected anything different. These are the same clenched tight assholes who think a fucking pair of tits or saying the word ‘fuck’ more than once is much worse for the public to see than Rambo shooting the fuck out of hundreds of people. Hell, if that last sentence was a movie, then I’d be fucked.

So that’s how the MPAA feels about smoking, but what about the rest of the country? The following are “statistics” and "studies" from the American Lung Association:

A recent study found that children ages 10 to 15 who watched a five or more hours of TV per day were six times more likely to initiate smoking that those who watched less than two hours per day.

I’d have to be 10 to 15 to fucking believe this. Honestly, the 10 year olds I know that smoke don’t have enough time in the day to watch five or more hours of TV. They’re too busy smoking.

Older smokers are at greater risks from smoking because they have smoked longer (an average of 40 years), tend to be heavier smokers, and are more likely to suffer from smoking-related illnesses. They are also significantly less likely than younger smokers to believe that smoking harms their health.

And yet…

Through advertising and promotion, the tobacco industry targets 1.63 million new smokers a year to compensate for those who quit or die.

I don’t think too many elderly who have never smoked just all of a sudden start because Joe fucking Kool says so. Or maybe Joe is that fucking Kool. Does your grandma dig camel?

Smoking lessens one's normal life expectancy by an average of 13 to 15 years -- thereby eliminating retirement years for most smokers.

Retirement? Shit, like that was going to happen anyway. The same bastards that wrote this shit are the ones taking my social security and soaking up what’s left of benefits. Current average life expectancy places me somewhere around 63, while retirement age is 65. So go fuck yourself.

Studies show that men who smoke at least five cigars a day and report moderate inhalation, experience lung cancer deaths at about two-thirds the rate of men who smoke one pack of cigarettes a day.

And then they go on to say…

Studies show that men who smoke at least three cigars a day are two to three times more likely to die of lung cancer than non-smokers.

Wait a minute? What the fuck? Studies show that men who smoke at least five cigars a day have about a 66% chance of lung cancer compared to a pack of cigarettes a day, and yet, men who smoke at least three cigars a day have a 200% to 300% chance of lung cancer compared to non-smokers? Well, that would mean cigarette smokers have roughly up to a 455% chance of lung cancer compared to non-smokers, right?

“Men who smoke one pack a day increase their risk 10 times compared with non-smokers.”

1,000 percent? Hmm, I must have missed a decimal somewhere or something.

According to the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report 2005, “Tobacco use is the leading preventable cause of death in the United States, causing an estimated 438,000 premature deaths annually, or 1 in five U.S. deaths.”

And yet, a few years ago “38.6% of the total fatalities for the year are alcohol-related fatalities,” according to Loyola University Health System. I think 38.6% is higher than 20%, and I’m sure in most cases people aren’t forced to drink alcohol, making it “preventable” too.

Remember, “Alcohol is society's legal, oldest and most popular drug.”

Yes, smoking is bad. We know that. We don’t need your white-lie propaganda, the MPAA smacking our wrists, or bullshit Truth commercials that are not “informing” anyone. And about those commercials, of course little kids like to see a big, fuzzy, purple mascot. But we all saw how they lost interest in you when you took off the head and they found an annoying, holier-than-thou-art yuppie prick who keeps crying about how much his vagina hurts. "Whudafxup" with scaring little kids, as if I was going to believe 5 year olds would smoke if a purple freak told them to? Stop filling our trash cans with fake appendages. You're pissing off the trashmen with your stupid hippie gimmicks. You’re not educating anyone, dipshit. The whole fucking world knows already! If someone wants to stop smoking, then they will. So shut the fuck up and get back to sipping your iced triple shot vanilla latte, you whiny, self-righteous cunt. Oh yeah, PETA called. They're worried that people aren't going to think they're crazy anymore, because you're stealing the fucking show.

“What's the law now? You can only smoke in your apartment, under a blanket, with all the lights out? Is that the rule now, huh?” – Denis Leary (No Cure for Cancer)