Sweet home Indiana.

I just realized something new today. Indiana really, completely, truly fucking sucks. Oh, wait. That's not new. That's not new at all. My apologies.

On second though: Fuck Indiana. If it was on the edge of the map, we'd all jump off and kick it away out to sea. There's so much corn in this state that it makes my comparing it to a turd with chunks of corn way too fucking easy.

Shat's the shit.

See that man over there to the right? That man is the shit, and yet, all he gets from you is shit. That is Captain James T. Kirk, you selfish, unworthy cockstain. I hope you’re on your hands and knees right now, because he is watching you through this fucking picture.

This is the same Kirk that beat the unbeatable Kobayashi Maru mission in the Academy by telling them to stick it and cheating like a real man, way back in 2254 (has it been that long?). The same Kirk that went back in time to the 1930s Great Depression through a talking time portal called the “Guardian of Forever” to change back the timeline after an ODing Dr. McCoy jumped through, altered the past, and fucked everything up, who whined like the bitch that he was. This is the same motherfucker that volunteered to repair a section of a ship that wasn’t his after an accident he didn’t cause and getting caught in a red-ribbon time nexus allowing him to live until 2371 when Captain Picard came and pulled his ass out of the pretty dreamland to fight against some space redneck with delusions of grandeur who thought he had to blow up a star to jump into the same fairytale world these two tough bastards had already fucking done, without even trying nonetheless. What a fucking douche.

Kirk had the brawn, he had the brains, and he got all of the alien honeys you only dream of when you’re masturbating in your sister’s bedroom with Woolfie keeping you company. His sweatshirt-muscled machine guns were so chiseled that he knocked out teeth just from the wind of his short fell swings. Kirk also got every hot piece of tail from here to Rura Penthe. Hell, I’ll even bet he fucked your mom on shore leave. You might even be Shat’s seed. Ha! That’s a fucking laugh, you pansy piece of shit. You’re no ass-handing, tail-tagging, starship captain’s heir to the throne of all that is sacred and was never put in the Bible.

I think you’re just fucking jealous. You’re just a fucking Jerkins loving nerd who probably watched Deep Space Nine, ass clown. I’ll bet you knew everything I said about Captain James T. God before I even said it, didn’t you, pimpled pervert. You’re so fucking pathetic. Here, I think Jim said it best when he said, “Let them die!” Fuck yes, Jim, fuck yes.

Darwin kicked simian ass!

Okay, so maybe I was a little harsh on Chuck. In all honesty, the man was right. I can’t deny pure scientific evidence. The facts are there. Maybe I was just looking for someone to blame. Chuck doesn’t deserve that though. I agree that evolution does exist, or did at least. See, that’s the problem. I think Darwin was really onto something there. And for quite a while, he was right. But he’s not anymore.

After spending too many fucking years of being surrounded by beer-bellied, wife beating, too-extremely-homophobic-to-not-be-gay hillbillies, I've advanced upon Darwin’s original observations and ideas with a little something I like to call The Theory of Regression. So get that Nobel ready, bitches. Sorry, Chuck, we're just not as smart as you thought. What did you expect from a bunch of fucking shit-throwing apes? A fucking mess is what I'd say.

A guide to modern American culture, part II.

I would love to say American culture is still apple pie, baseball, and honest appreciation for the American flag, but I’d be lying if I did. Hell, maybe 50 years ago I would have been lying too. But I’m here to help you connect to modern American culture in the second half of this guide. Here are three final tips:

5. Hollywood Owns Your Soul and You’re Paying Them to Keep It

Hollywood and the American Judicial System, they just love blowing each other. Hell, they even do it right in public, standing in front of a big-ass sign that says “Suck me off for reduced jail time!” But in all honesty, that doesn’t really get to me as much as it should. After all, that’s all America even cares about: money. It’s you assholes that give them the power to do as they please. It’s your fault Paris will come out of jail thinking she actually went to jail. It’s your fault that dolts like Anna Nicole Smith get any attention at all (the coke-whore is dead, get over it).

And you know what? You murdered Princess Diana. Sure, we all know how the paparazzi followed her into the tunnel, but why were they following her? Because of you. Stop buying all of those stupid magazines they tell you how to dress because Lindsey Lohan wears it, or how many thousands of babies Angelina Jolie plans on adopting in the next twenty years, or where Tom Cruise went for a walk last Thursday, or whether or not Britney will hook back up with whatever the fuck his name is. Stop hating them for having money as you hand them your fucking paycheck. Stop using them as scapegoats for the fact that you’re a giant piece of shit that the world can’t seem to flush down. Or you can keep buying those magazines that tell you you’re fat and then you can go bitch about it to your friends and talk about how all men care about is tits and good looks. At least you have a grip on reality, which brings me to tip #6:

6. Reality TV is Only as Real as Those Who Watch

Thank you, Real World, thank you. MTV will stop at nothing in their global pursuit to conquer and destroy the minds of children. Guess what? To get my fucking point across, I’m going to try to list as many fucking reality shows made since the start of Real World as I can, or until I get sick of typing. I just hope I don’t run out of room on the blog. There’s no particular order, due to the fact that I don’t give a fuck about making this any easier:

Road Rules, Lacuna Beach, The Osbournes, Newlyweds, The Surreal Life, Hogan Knows Best, Celebrity Fit Club, Strange Love, Flavor of Love, My Fair Brady, Breaking Bonaduce, Celebrity Paranormal Project, I Love New York, Temptation Island, The 1900 House, Big Brother, Big Brother VIP, Celebrity Big Brother, Survivor, Survivor All-Stars, Dancing with the Stars, Project Greenlight, The Biggest Loser, Making the Band, The Simple Life, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette,The Apprentice, America’s Next Top Model, Nashville Star, Hell’s Kitchen, Project Runway, Rock Star, The Club, The Big Break, The Contender, The Ultimate Fighter, Changing Rooms, Trading Spaces, The Swan, Extreme Makeover, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Supernanny, Made, What Not to Wear, Pimp My Ride, Overhaulin’, Blind Date, Scare Tactics, Punk’d, The Joe Schmo Show, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, Space Cadets, Invasion Iowa, Joe Millionaire, Boy Meets Boy, Pop Idol, The Restaurant, The Hills, The Amazing Race, Fear Factor, American Chopper, The First 48, Bands on the Run, Star Search, America’s Got Talent, Celebrity Duets, The Real Gilligan’s Island, Top Chef, Treasure Hunters, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, The Scholar, 30 Days, Age of Love, Adventures in Hollywood, Mindfreak, Crowned, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Dirty Dancing, Breaking Up, Beauty and the Geek, American Princess, America’s Top Cowboy, Celebrity Poker, Ghost Hunters, Family Jewels, House of Carters, Identity, Kid Nation, Last Comic Standing, Poker Royale, Shooting Sizemore, So You Think You Can Dance?, Solitary, Sons of Hollywood, The Agency, Starting Over, The Girls Next Door, The Million Dollar Idea, Bridezilla, The Next Big Thing, The Real Housewives, Trick My Truck, Who’s Your Daddy?, Wife Swap, The Singing Bee, The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll, The Search for the Next Great American Band, Ex-Wives Club, The X Effect, Yo Momma, the two new Who Wants to be a Superhero? and Pirate Master, and of course I could never forget American Idol, the only reason some people haven’t hung themselves from a fifth floor balcony yet.

That’s the list. For those of you that just passed over it, there’s 114 shows including Real World. I definitely missed a lot of shitty shows that were actually worse than those listed, but then again, they’re all complete shit. Also, if you want to dispute whether a certain show is actually reality TV, don’t. By watching these shows you’ve lost your sense of reality, and so therefore are no longer any sort of authority on the subject. I could keep going with this, but it’s all been said before and I think the list speaks for itself.

7. *[[~i WHent 2 pUblek Skooole && im KEwL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~]]*

American kids are fucking stupid. In all seriousness, I can probably just leave this section at that, but I'll elaborate since most people are too shallow or too chicken shit to admit it. As if MTV, Seventeen, American Idol, Disney, and the kids’ parents weren’t enough, the shitholes that they spend seven hours a day, five days a week in are probably their biggest deterrents to leading happy lives. But it does prepare them for real life, as an adult. To get kids to this point of preparation they need to destroy free will and creativity, encourage them to overcome faults and minor shortcomings by harassment, instill good values like segregation, favoritism, and idolatry, and teach them our history the way it really happened, from their point of view. If it wasn’t for public school, America wouldn’t be this bright beacon of hope for the rest of the world.

But how stupid are these kids really? These are the same pricks that never grow up and let their kids act the same fucking way. The same bitches that go out drinking with the twenty-something whores that she calls friends while her three month old kid is being taken care of by a forty-year old grandma. These are the same assholes that use “leet” talk and spell “hacker” as “hax0r” while trying to pretend that they know what the word actually means. They’re also the same stupid fucks that think writing a series of 0’s and 1’s means that they understand binary. Know what it really means? It means that they're telling you that if you were to multiply the entire series of numbers, the sum would be their level of I.Q. They’re no different than gangstas with their ghetto bullshit, rednecks and their erosion of English, or yuppies that think they understand English. I sucked at math in school, but I’m still certain that you can only count to 1337 and that it’s not just one word when said. How in the fuck do bus driver's keep themselves from beating these little bastards. I'm going to start a committee to raise funds for each school bus to be able to have a baseball bat tucked away behind the driver's seat.

So how do you feel? Do you feel more American? Not sure? Well, here, I’ll help you out. If you love all-you-can-eat buffets, are too lazy to make your marriage last but keep starting new ones, take any kind of drug advertised on TV, bitch about gas prices and do nothing about it, masturbate to Orlando Bloom because he’s pretty (male) or because he’s “sensitive” (female), buy magazines for beauty tips or “star status”, vote republican or vote democrat, believe the reality show you watch is better than all the rest, and if you went to public school and feel proud, then it’s definitely safe to say that you’re an “honest-to-God”, Starbucks-lovin’, good-hearted American who appreciates this great dosage of freedom our soldiers are fighting for. I do find it a little funny though, that we found freedom over 200 years ago on our own soil and yet we keep losing it and it always seems to turn up in odd places, specifically the Middle East and Eurasia. Once this little fight for freedom is over we need to grab hold of that son of a bitch and not let go this time. Freedom must be about as slippery as a bar of soap in the shower. But it sure smells good when you do have a hold of it and you’re all lathered up, doesn’t it? Fucking morons.

A guide to modern American culture, part I.

The first part of this guide features four easy tips to be more American. Maybe you’re not American enough, and need a little help getting there. Then this guide is for you:

1. If You Run Out of Food, Just Eat Your Own Fat Ass

On the topic of obesity, Wikipedia says, “In its simplest conception, obesity is only made possible when the lifetime energy intake exceeds lifetime energy expenditure by more than it does for individuals of ‘normal weight’.” Basically what that means is stopping fucking eating. When you feel yourself getting full, you’re body isn’t making a suggestion. It’s telling your fat fucking ass to close your fat fucking mouth. Going on a binge isn’t like a running a marathon, except for the fact that it’s just plain stupid. But it’s not a challenge. If you think it’s some kind of fun competition or feat you can prove to your dumbass friends, well, then 127 million other Americans are doing it too. You’re not original, and you’re not badass, you’re just fucking stupid and leave a slight taste of vomit in the mouths of people around you. Put down the fucking porkchop and take a breath. Overweight men and women should know their damn boundaries. That means showing any inch of skin except your hands, face, and three necks is unacceptable. I hope the next fat bitch in a bikini gets diabetes.

2. If Shit Gets Hard, Just Quit

The United States has a divorce rate of 50% for first-time marriages and even higher for second and third. If that’s not pathetic enough, the United States has the highest divorce rate in the entire world, even almost doubling the second, Mexico. Only Americans could fuck up something as sacred as marriage, which is predated before recorded history. Probably the most interesting is the statistics based on women filing for divorce instead of men. According to the American Law and Economics Review, “Women currently file slightly more than two-thirds of divorce cases in the US,” and “Evidence is given that among college-educated couples, the divorce filing rate by women approaches 90%.” Ninety fucking percent? What could cause a twenty-something woman to come to that point? Well, this is what Rebekah Hass, a writer for Associated Content and a woman, has to say about it:

“I believe lack of commitment is the major American reason for getting divorced. Couples of past generations seem to have understood commitment so much better. I am always amazed when I read the stories of World War II brides who married after knowing their fiancée for only a few days, weeks, or months-then went on to spend fifty or more years together. It couldn't have all been a ‘bed of roses.’ These couples understood commitment."

The dictionary defines commitment as: “The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons.” Rebekah also states that another reason for divorce by lazy fucking Americans is "an inability to work through difficulties. When the going gets tough, Americans tend to quit. It is easier to just walk away than to work through the problems." With so many divorces, and multiple divorces as well, what kind of effect is that having on children and teenagers? Showing a lack of interest in solving problems and keeping promises surely carries over to the youth. Not only that, it makes people believe love is something it’s not, and that it's not worth working for. So why do Americans misinterpret love and what it really means?

"Unfortunately, Americans base their views on what love is primarily from what they see in the movies or on television, or read in a novel. Love according to these sources is that special, heart-throbbing feeling that you get from just seeing someone or hearing their voice. Almost every couple will experience these feelings, especially when they are first dating. For many U.S. couples, when the ‘feelings’ fade away and the reality of actually living with and being committed to someone with all their faults and failures sinks in, that's when the marriage dies. The individuals move on to the next ‘exciting’ person who comes along, until they ‘feel’ like they are ‘in love’ again."

Update 05/27/07: Here's some more information to help tie this all together. According to Marriages, Families & Intimate Relationships, "Married adults now divorce two-and-a-half times as often as adults did 20 years ago and four times as often as they did 50 years ago," and "Perhaps 25% of children ages 16 and under live with a stepparent." The main purpose of this second section was to point out not only how fake Americans are when it comes to emotions, but to also show how this destroys families. Face it, family life in America is a joke. No, it's not a silly little punch line. It's actually fucking pathetic. Americans are spoiled, selfish, pretentious, artificial assholes. Then again, maybe the fact that our country is embarrassing to the rest of the world isn't actually our own fault. Maybe it's karma, and we just fucking deserve it.

3. The Pill-Popping Placebo Effect

This one's for the junkies. And by junkies, I mean your minivan-driving soccermom, your grouchy, senile grandpa, and your fake-ass high school guidance counselor. These are the people that buy opium and the chronic off commercials. And fuck me, is there a lot of commercials. Hey, your T.V. has never lied to you, right? You dim fucks believe every little thing that you read in books and hear from doctors. They tell you what you want to hear and you give them the money they want to have. Medicine = Business, you stupid bastards. There is no such thing as non-profit in America. It's because of a little thing called capitalism. Doctors, surgeons, nurses, dentists, therapists, they're all there for a fucking paycheck. You know that sweet, old lady who offers you a lollipop while you wait for the doctor? She's just passing the time until payday. Is that wrong? Fuck no. But does that make your hospital any less of a corporation? Once again, no.

Everyone seems to have a fucking disorder today: ADD, bipolar, depression, insomnia, anxiety, impotence. The only pills I don't see are probably the only ones they need. Will they ever try to cure naivety? Probably not, they'll just stick to depressants like Lunesta, Ambien, and Valium; antidepressants like Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, and Zyban; and cock pills like Viagra, Levitra, and Enzyte (eat shit, Bob). Of course, we can’t forget the be-all, end-all Ritalin, which no child should be without, because before video games and T.V. children never acted like that. You gullible fucks are all so doped up with bottled happiness and joy tablets that you don't know what's real and what's not anymore. Welcome to 1984, assholes.

Some other commercials I'm getting sick of seeing are these fucking herpes pills, like Valtrex. I can see how this is needed though, since the U.S. is full of so many stupid whores. I also wonder if this relates to the divorce statistics and lack of commitment in some way. I'm sure there are some that fit into both categories, so it's too bad you never understood commitment because now that virus is definitely committed to you. I’m also tired of these speed junkies and their diet pills, like Zantrex 3. “Yes!” You fat fucks will never be runway models, just obese, pathetic junkies.

4. Pumping Gas and Kicking Ass

Alright, the 15th came and went. I’m not a big conspiracy nut and part of me didn’t really think it would change much. But I didn’t fill up, trying to do my part. A few days later and the price skyrockets another thirty cents, bringing the local price to around $3.49-$3.59, and the Indiana average to $3.39, the highest average for Indiana ever recorded. That’s an awfully suspicious coincidence, or not. Regardless, this is bullshit. I never join in when people bitch and moan about gas going up three, seven, or ten cents. I don’t talk about the weather, or the news, and I don’t talk about saving nineteen cents by driving to the other side of town. But when a gallon is pushing four dollars, I start thinking of things that would probably get me in a shitload of trouble.

I’ve thought about it, and I’ve come up with a new thing to try. Statistics proved big oil wouldn’t and didn’t lose much at all on the 15th. So instead of no one in the United States pumping gas on one day, how about everyone in the United States pumping a full tank of gas and not paying? Imagine it, the whole nation doing a “pump and run.” The police couldn’t arrest us all. And while not giving them business for a day seems like it would work, stealing gas from them would hurt them much worse and it would make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that I did such a noble thing. I can see the headlines: “Pump and Run: A Nation United" and this could be the picture on the front:

Darwin was a dumbass.

Don’t get me wrong. He had some things going for him. His long beard was badass, and I mean Hell’s Angels badass. He also created jobs. I’ll bet you never thought of that one before. Where would scientists be without Darwin? Fucking nowhere, that’s where. Darwin was building a bigass rocket while the rest of those dumb motherfuckers were still chiseling out a wheel. If it wasn’t for Darwin, the “brains” today would be eating out of the trash and sucking dick for rock. But despite his heavy metal beard and finding jobs for a bunch of would-be has-beens, he was one big dumbass too.

Chuck wrote about evolution, the progression and adaptation of the human species, also drawing from and relating to the theory of Eugenics, which was genetic mumbo-jumbo bullshit made up by his half-assed cousin, Francis Galton. Francis was a “special” person, and the family tried to encourage him and make him feel normal and intelligent, but deep down they knew, while well intentioned, he just wasn’t right in the head. Since they obviously and unfortunately didn’t keep him chained up in the cellar, a somewhat well-known blond-haired, blue-eyed group of socialists came to agree with his doodles and scribbles, and took it upon themselves to make sure everyone else agreed too. Poor Francis, you should have stuck to finger-painting.

Despite having a dumbass for a cousin, Darwin was determined to outwit and outsmart the world and make sure he was always considered right by basically calling them all monkeys. I mean, technically, that’s pretty fucking smart. I think it went something like this: “Let’s see, how can I present my point and insult them at the same time…? My theory is we have evolved from and alongside our primate brothers which means you’re all a bunch of banana molesting damn dirty apes.” He fucking nailed it. A lot of people agreed, but of course there were some that didn’t. They were angry at what he said. But they weren’t angry at him, just the fact that someone pointed out that they couldn’t stop scratching their asses and smelling their fingers and loved to throw their own dung. And so “The Origin of Species” was born.

His big brainstorming didn’t really start until he went for a ride on some boat named after a hound dog or something. He spent about five years studying geology, fossils, and all kinds of new shit. Darwin met a lot of scholars, professors, and colleagues on his travels, because apparently he was considered hot shit back then too.

I hate to be the one to say it, but Darwin was a dumbass. Look around you. What do you see? I know what I see, and it’s a bunch of fucking apes. I don’t see evolution. I see hillbillies picking their noses, grunting and pretending to not be in love with the sight of their own dicks. I don’t see progression or adaptation. I see the fucking Discovery Channel. I see rednecks, gangstas, hippies, and yuppies who need fenced in and stared at by children and their parents who will spend $10 to educate the true human race on what “Eugenics” really is. Goodall traveled 300 days a year to study chimps, but the bitch could have just stayed home. Survival of the fittest? Natural selection is complete bullshit. This is what Mother Nature selected? Then fuck her! I say we step in and do our part to help out. Stop feeding the fucking animals.

"Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground. Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they forge a blade, and where there's one they're bound to divide it right in two.

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey over pieces of the ground. Silly monkeys, give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive so misguided is a mystery." --Tool (10,000 Days - "Right in Two")

Was Jerry really Jesus?

Well, you heard it here first, folks: Jerry was not Jesus. The morning came and there was no news of his rising back from the dead on CNN, FOX, or the Weather Channel (I was expecting the sky to fall if he did). And his corpse is not missing, but in actuality, is still being prepped to rot for eternity in dirt with the worms.

Donations for Jerry and his family or the Liberty University should be made in the form of blank checks and then dropped off at my house. And don't worry about the amount on the check, I'm sure God will tell me what is appropriate. Right, Jerry? *Sniff* I think I smell something burning...

Update 05/19/07: Damn, just when I thought I was through wasting my breath on this son of a bitch, I stumbled across more things he said here:
http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2007/05/jerry_falwell_q.html

The first one about prostitutes is actually kind of funny, but the rest just piss me off...

“Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions.”

“Textbooks are Soviet propaganda.”

“It appears that America's anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men's movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening.”

But instead of getting angry, Jerry, I know what you deserve instead. I'm going to forget you. If someone mentions your name around me again, I'm going to act like I've never heard of you. Maybe eventually I'll be telling the truth, and maybe if enough people do the same, you will be forgotten forever. Goodbye, you cunt.

Jerry gently passes away.

Jerry Falwell was found unconscious by his colleague, Ron Godwin, in his office around 10:45 a.m. on Tuesday after they had breakfast together. He later died at Lynchburg General Hospital after CPR was unsuccessful. It’s so sad. That is not how this man should have died. I can't believe no one had the balls to step up to the plate and take a swing at this piece of shit. He should have gone out crying like a bitch and gurgling his own blood. How this fucker made it to 73, I will never understand.

For a little bit of information on who Jerry was, let’s see what his self-founded Liberty University had to say about him:

“Falwell was not particularly religious until his sophomore year of college in 1952, when Falwell said he underwent a religious conversion. Instead of accepting an offer to play professional baseball with the St. Louis Cardinals, he transferred to the Baptist Bible College in Springfield, Mo.”

He turned down professional baseball? Religious conversion, my ass. I’ll bet he was just too chicken shit to take the chance of getting his ass handed to him in the big leagues.

“Four years later, Falwell returned to Lynchburg, where he founded Thomas Road Baptist Church, which started with 35 members. Today, the church has 24,000 members and the annual revenues of all of his ministries total more than $200 million.”

Holy fuck! No wonder he didn’t play baseball. There’s just not enough money in professional sports to support a man and his family anymore. No, for that you need religion.

I think Jerry thought he was Jesus. He once said the Bible was "the inerrant Word of God, and totally accurate in all respects." Jerry also said that the Antichrist would be a male Jew who may already be alive. Jesus, Jerry, could you say anything worse for yourself? Of course you could. After September 11th, Jerry claimed gays and feminists were to blame by incurring the wrath of God.

And no porn, Jerry? You apparently wanted to judge everything and everyone except the Bible. Come on, Jerry, it's just porn. You may have enjoyed doing it, but I just can't bring myself to jerk off to any of the chapters in "Exodus."

Jerry was one stupid bastard, and just like a brain-damaged little kid who licks the frost in a freezer, Jerry just kept coming back for more. He once said, “I do question the sincerity and non-violent intentions of some civil rights leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Mr. James Farmer, and others, who are known to have left wing associations,” and "Labor unions should study and read the Bible instead of asking for more money. When people get right with God, they are better workers." Maybe Jerry died choking on some of his own words. Or maybe God just got sick of Jerry speaking for Him, and finally told Jerry what He really thought with a big fucking lightning bolt.

Like I said, I think Jerry thought he was Jesus, but I think a lot of other people did too. Well, we all remember Jesus rose from the dead three days later. So I guess we’ll see if Jerry finds his way back tomorrow. If he does, then I'll admit I was wrong, and Jerry will be my true lord and savior. I promise.

But for now, I hope you packed some sunscreen, Jerry, because I hear Hell is pretty hot this time of year. So long, motherfucker.

This is year zero.

I remember back in May 2005 when With Teeth was released. Until that point, I really hadn’t listened to Nine Inch Nails, or frontman Trent Reznor, much other than the singles that everyone has heard. I went June 2006 to Indianapolis with someone to the tour of the same name, and I remember bitching and moaning about the shitty opening bands and not expecting much from NIN. Turns out, it was one of the best shows I have seen.

So when April 17 came, and Year Zero released, I decided to give it a try. My favorite music was always the concept albums, like Pink Floyd’s The Wall and Marilyn Manson’s Holywood, and I found out that this was just that.

Year Zero takes place about 15 years in the future, projecting an Orwellian vision of where America is headed based upon its current actions and course. It’s a political statement by Reznor, attacking government, religion, and greed. The album is the first part of two in the little tale of prophecy. I wouldn’t normally write a review on a CD, but Year Zero is different, by the most interesting of the story being the elaborate back-story created through propaganda/pamphlets, websites, and emails.

Building up to its initial release, t-shirts, posters, and websites featured hidden messages directing people to other websites telling stories and giving information about the future and timeline including: the totalitarian government, the Resistance, war, a new church/religion called the Church of Plano, the revolutionary drug called Parepin, and something called The Presence.

Throughout the following weeks fans found leaked songs (which the RIAA tried to sue for, but found that the leaks were intentional) with new messages, like phone numbers. Even at one event on April 13, fans were given large “ammunition” boxes from the Resistance including: pamphlets, fliers, buttons, and even cell phones. The cell phones came with notes stating, "If you are 18 or over, and will be in the Los Angeles area Wednesday, April 18th we need you. If not, give this hardware to someone else. This phone is your membership card to the resistance. Within the next few days, we will use it to contact you with details of this first resistance meeting. It will get you and one friend through the door. Keep it charged, and keep it with you at all times. Most importantly, there are only 100 minutes on these phones, so use them up and you'll be SOL. We'll be in touch."

This was all to create the story and feel of Year Zero. As far as the basics go, in the year 2022, the right-winged government has introduced a new drug into America’s water source, claiming it will build up your immune system to protect against biological warfare. In reality, it calms the citizens and makes them more complacent, more accepting. A resistance has sprung up and fights back against church and state, that are almost one and the same now. There also seems to be a story of a new plague affecting the world called the Red Horse Virus. There are many characters introduced, like the Angry Sniper, who seems to be the narrator on “The Great Destroyer” with lyrics like:

“Say your name
Try to speak as clearly as you can
You know everything gets written down
Nod your head
Just in case they could be watching
With their shiny satellites"

"I hope they cannot see
The limitless potential
Living inside of me
To murder everything
I hope they cannot see
I am the Great Destroyer”

There are also others vaguely mentioned in songs, but fleshed out on the websites, like John of Boston, who senses The Presence. Within the Year Zero timeline, The Presence is the most mysterious. It seems to be like a giant, ghostly hand that reaches down from the sky (featured on the main cover of the album) and fills people with great fear, insignificance, and forgetfulness. The government has caught wind of the sightings and while blaming it on hallucinations from the new drug, Parepin, also goes around taking custody of these people and putting them in a place called Judson Orgam Correctional Facility. It seems to all be building up to the coming of The Presence on February 10, 0000. The most interesting part about The Presence came from the very first song leak of “My Violent Heart” in which the song ends with five seconds of static. Amazingly, someone decided to run it through an audio spectrometer, and found this image:


The album, and its future counterpart, stands to serve as a warning. The road we are traveling may end different than what we hope for. Lyrics from “Me, I’m Not” sum up his warning best:

“I can win this war

By knowing not to fight

If I take it all back

Some way, somehow

If I knew back then

What I know right now”

There is much more at work here than what appears on the surface. Understanding more of the story makes each time you listen different from the last. Probably the most comprehensive source for the story is the Unofficial Nine Inch Nails Wiki at:

http://www.ninwiki.com/Main_Page

Also interesting is that Reznor is in talks for turning Year Zero and its follow-up album into movies.
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/news/upcoming_releases/new_nine_inch_nails_album_to_become_movie.html

So don't be the whiny bitch like I used to be. Give Reznor and Year Zero a chance, because "I would never tell you anything that wasn't absolutely true that hadn't come right from His mouth and He wants me to tell you."

Clearing the smoke.

I just happened to be checking the latest movie news on IMDb the other day, and ran across this article (which drove me to write the first blog):

“Smoke in Movies -- Get an ‘R’”

In a rare alteration of its movie ratings system, the MPAA said on Thursday that the panel that assesses Hollywood movies will begin considering "depictions that glamorize smoking or movies that feature pervasive smoking outside of a historic or other mitigating context." Until now, the subjects that movie raters have primarily considered are violence, language, nudity, and drugs. In a statement, MPAA CEO Dan Glickman said, "There is broad awareness of smoking as a unique public health concern due to nicotine's highly addictive nature, and no parent wants their child to take up the habit. ... The appropriate response of the rating system is to give more information to parents on this issue."

So even though smoking is not illegal in real life, if you’re on screen in a drama, action movie, or fantasy, smoking cigarettes is now against the law? Amazing, nicotine is so addictive that you can actually get hooked while watching the badass John McClane smoke cigarettes and German terrorists. I just hope that machine gun he’s blasting doesn’t turn my way. You fucking morons.

I decided to dig a little deeper and found the complete article in Adobe format on the MPAA official site. The link is below, but here are some excerpts:

"The rating board has comprehensively reviewed depictions of smoking in every rated film over the past several years. From July 2004 to July 2006, the percentage of films that included even a fleeting glimpse of smoking dropped from 60% to 52%. Of those films, 75% received an R rating for other factors. So, three out of every four films that contained any smoking at all over the past few years are already rated R."

So three out of four movies that feature someone smoking usually receive an R-rating already? How does that justify sacrificing the profits from a higher rating? Most movies that are labeled as R usually end up making far less than that of a PG-13 grade. Many producers will push filmmakers to go for PG-13 instead to increase total profit, at least on screen.

The article goes on to say:

"They (parents) often tell us that they cannot recall a recent incident in which they took their child to a G, PG or PG-13 film and found a scene involving smoking that was objectionable."

Parents can’t recall ever seeing an "objectionable" scene involving someone smoking during PG-13 movies, and yet they’re still going to attempt to change the rating system? Why would they type a paragraph like this one right below the last when it completely debunks the entire thing? What movies do they plan on changing ratings for when no movies fall under this category? I don’t know why I expected anything different. These are the same clenched tight assholes who think a fucking pair of tits or saying the word ‘fuck’ more than once is much worse for the public to see than Rambo shooting the fuck out of hundreds of people. Hell, if that last sentence was a movie, then I’d be fucked.

So that’s how the MPAA feels about smoking, but what about the rest of the country? The following are “statistics” and "studies" from the American Lung Association:

A recent study found that children ages 10 to 15 who watched a five or more hours of TV per day were six times more likely to initiate smoking that those who watched less than two hours per day.

I’d have to be 10 to 15 to fucking believe this. Honestly, the 10 year olds I know that smoke don’t have enough time in the day to watch five or more hours of TV. They’re too busy smoking.

Older smokers are at greater risks from smoking because they have smoked longer (an average of 40 years), tend to be heavier smokers, and are more likely to suffer from smoking-related illnesses. They are also significantly less likely than younger smokers to believe that smoking harms their health.

And yet…

Through advertising and promotion, the tobacco industry targets 1.63 million new smokers a year to compensate for those who quit or die.

I don’t think too many elderly who have never smoked just all of a sudden start because Joe fucking Kool says so. Or maybe Joe is that fucking Kool. Does your grandma dig camel?

Smoking lessens one's normal life expectancy by an average of 13 to 15 years -- thereby eliminating retirement years for most smokers.

Retirement? Shit, like that was going to happen anyway. The same bastards that wrote this shit are the ones taking my social security and soaking up what’s left of benefits. Current average life expectancy places me somewhere around 63, while retirement age is 65. So go fuck yourself.

Studies show that men who smoke at least five cigars a day and report moderate inhalation, experience lung cancer deaths at about two-thirds the rate of men who smoke one pack of cigarettes a day.

And then they go on to say…

Studies show that men who smoke at least three cigars a day are two to three times more likely to die of lung cancer than non-smokers.

Wait a minute? What the fuck? Studies show that men who smoke at least five cigars a day have about a 66% chance of lung cancer compared to a pack of cigarettes a day, and yet, men who smoke at least three cigars a day have a 200% to 300% chance of lung cancer compared to non-smokers? Well, that would mean cigarette smokers have roughly up to a 455% chance of lung cancer compared to non-smokers, right?

“Men who smoke one pack a day increase their risk 10 times compared with non-smokers.”

1,000 percent? Hmm, I must have missed a decimal somewhere or something.

According to the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report 2005, “Tobacco use is the leading preventable cause of death in the United States, causing an estimated 438,000 premature deaths annually, or 1 in five U.S. deaths.”

And yet, a few years ago “38.6% of the total fatalities for the year are alcohol-related fatalities,” according to Loyola University Health System. I think 38.6% is higher than 20%, and I’m sure in most cases people aren’t forced to drink alcohol, making it “preventable” too.

Remember, “Alcohol is society's legal, oldest and most popular drug.”

Yes, smoking is bad. We know that. We don’t need your white-lie propaganda, the MPAA smacking our wrists, or bullshit Truth commercials that are not “informing” anyone. And about those commercials, of course little kids like to see a big, fuzzy, purple mascot. But we all saw how they lost interest in you when you took off the head and they found an annoying, holier-than-thou-art yuppie prick who keeps crying about how much his vagina hurts. "Whudafxup" with scaring little kids, as if I was going to believe 5 year olds would smoke if a purple freak told them to? Stop filling our trash cans with fake appendages. You're pissing off the trashmen with your stupid hippie gimmicks. You’re not educating anyone, dipshit. The whole fucking world knows already! If someone wants to stop smoking, then they will. So shut the fuck up and get back to sipping your iced triple shot vanilla latte, you whiny, self-righteous cunt. Oh yeah, PETA called. They're worried that people aren't going to think they're crazy anymore, because you're stealing the fucking show.

“What's the law now? You can only smoke in your apartment, under a blanket, with all the lights out? Is that the rule now, huh?” – Denis Leary (No Cure for Cancer)

MPAA vs. America.

Anyone that knows me knows how long and how much I have hated the MPAA. Here’s a quick explanation of the Motion Picture Association of America:

The Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) and its international counterpart, the Motion Picture Association (MPA) serve as the voice and advocate of the American motion picture, home video and television industries, domestically through the MPAA and internationally through the MPA. Today, these associations represent not only the world of theatrical film, but serve as leader and advocate for major producers and distributors of entertainment programming for television, cable, home video and future delivery systems not yet imagined.

I could have summarized it in my own words, but I decided it would be more appropriate to “steal” this information and not give credit to its original author while ignoring the copyright. Now that we know who the Nazis are, let’s meet Hitler and his regime:

Chairman and CEO Dan Glickman became President and CEO of the Motion Picture Association of America, Inc. (MPAA) on September 1, 2004. Its members include Buena Vista Pictures Distribution, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures, Sony Pictures Entertainment Inc., Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation, NBC Universal, and Warner Bros Entertainment Inc.

That’s enough of the history lesson. Now keep in mind that the people who actually make up the MPAA, other than the President and CEO, are volunteers, but they are also anonymous, meaning the general public has no idea who is saying what we can and can't watch. I decided to investigate this little war they have on “pirates.” Here is some information from the MPAA official site:

“Who are Movie Thieves?”

Anyone who sells, acquires, copies or distributes copyrighted materials without permission is called a pirate. Downloading a movie without paying for it is no different than walking into a store and stealing a DVD off the shelf. Motion Picture Piracy is committed in many ways, including via the Internet through downloadable files, selling pirated DVDs on the street or capturing and redistributing live broadcasts or performances without a license on the Internet. Downloading movies and music without the authorization of copyright holders is a growing international problem that presents serious challenges for the movie industry and has serious legal consequences.

Okay, now we know who they are against, “Anyone who sells, acquires, copies or distributes copyrighted materials without permission” and “Downloading movies and music without the authorization of copyright holders.”

So basically that means everyone in America. Sure, you can lie to me, but don’t lie to yourself. Admit it, you have done or do one of these offenses quite frequently. It continues:

People often download movies on the Internet because they believe they are anonymous and will not be held responsible for their actions. They are wrong. The illegal downloading and swapping of movie files is a serious crime. Pirates and their affiliates can and will be tracked for engaging in Internet piracy.

I’ll bet when this corporate jargon was originally written it was when they were using Spyware to track down those pimple-faced college kids with movies on their parents’ laptops, locking them up, and fining their asses ‘til the day they die. But I’ll bet they never saw it coming when a U.S. Senate committee passed a bill banning the use of Spyware. I remember when that happened, and I remember thinking how awesome it was. It was like a giant middle finger and a big “Fuck you!” to the MPAA from the American consumers. How could they track down these “pirates” without hidden Spyware, tracing IP addresses, or the aid of peer-to-peer programs? They couldn’t. All they could do was take it up the ass.

“Who Piracy Hurts”

Economies

The US movie industry provides jobs, revenue and an export surplus for the US economy. Piracy hurts economies everywhere movies are sold, displayed or broadcast. The worldwide motion picture industry, including foreign and domestic producers, distributors, theaters, video stores and pay-per-view operators lost $18.2 billion in 2005 as a result of piracy.

Unfortunately I couldn't find any recent sales figures other than the MPAA’s since 2001, but I think it will speak for itself. According to About.com, the Annual Report on the Home Entertainment Industry reports "The home video industry experienced its best year ever in 2001 with U.S. spending totaling $18.7 billion." Disregarding recent years, 2001 was the best year ever at $18.7 billion? This is at a time when VHS rentals ($7 billion) were higher than DVD ($1.4 billion), while DVD sales ($5.4 billion) were slowly taking over the VHS ($4.9 billion). So that brings us to $18.7 billion in sales and rentals in 2001. According to VSDA President Bo Andersen, "It is a $19 billion/year industry and growing." Fastforward to 2005, when the MPAA reported the entertainment industry lost $18.2 billion from piracy, and you can figure in that they are making more money on each DVD than they were on VHS while charging more for new releases on screen, but there sure isn't much left. Now tell me, how in the world could they keep going? Maybe they just love what they're doing and don't need a single paycheck for two years. Maybe. Or maybe the MPAA statistics are full of shit.

Entertainment Industry

The average motion picture cost the MPAA member companies $96.2 million to make and market in 2005. Six out of ten movies never recoup their original investment. Fewer movies will be made and fewer creative risks will be taken if piracy continues to rob those who invest in movies.

Six out of ten never recoup their investments? Right… Well, here are six actors listed with their salaries from 2005:

1. Tom Cruise ($31 million)
2. Johnny Depp ($37 million)
3. Julia Roberts ($20 million)
4. Will Ferrell ($40 million)
5. Will Smith ($35 million)
6. Tobey Macguire (32 million)

You do the math. But they also claim “Fewer movies will be made and fewer creative risks will be taken.” Well, also according to the MPAA:

“The total number of films released continued to increase in 2006 with 607 films released. This is an 11% increase over 2005's 549 films. “

*cough*Bullshit!*cough*

Consumers

For consumers to continue to experience the variety and quality of movies they expect, piracy must be controlled. The entertainment industry recognizes the potential of technology to deliver content in new and exciting ways. However, the looming threat of piracy can thwart innovation.

I think I see a loop hole here. If people aren’t willing to pay money for these movies, could it be because they aren’t experiencing “the variety and quality of movies they expect?” Piracy doesn’t “thwart innovation,” greed thwarts innovation. Maybe they’ll stop sucking that green paper cock and come up for air.

“Get Involved in Our Fight to Stop Movie Thieves!”

By following this link (http://www.mpaa.org/ReportPiracy.asp) you can file a report and turn in someone you know who is illegally downloading, copying, and/or selling movies. Sound familiar? It should. Go ahead, red-bait your friends. Put them on the MPAA blacklist. You don't need them. You've got new friends like Truman, McCarthy, and all of the Redlegs. Now go report those pinko-Commie bastard neighbors.

"Each week, law enforcement around the world catch movie thieves red handed." Told you. "Since last year, authorities have seized over 81,000,000 counterfeit DVDs."

81 million DVDs? Bullshit. But then I stumbled upon the most interesting article of all:

“MPAA Admits to Unauthorized Movie Copying”

The Motion Picture Association of America was caught with its pants down, admitting to making unauthorized copies of the documentary This Film Is Not Yet Rated in advance of this week's Sundance Film Festival.

This Film Is Not Yet Rated looks at the motion picture ratings system created and run by the MPAA. Director Kirby Dick submitted the film for rating in November. After receiving the movie, the MPAA subsequently made copies without Dick's permission. Dick had specifically requested in an e-mail that the MPAA not make copies of the movie. The MPAA responded by saying that "the confidentiality of your film is our first priority."

Dick later learned that the MPAA made copies of the film to distribute them to its employees, despite the MPAA's stance on unauthorized copying. Ah, there's nothing like the smell of hypocrisy in the morning—apparently the prohibition against copying films without the copyright owner's consent doesn't apply to the MPAA.

"We made a copy of Kirby's movie because it had implications for our employees," said Kori Bernards, the MPAA's vice president for corporate communications. She said Dick spied on the members of the MPAA's Classification and Rating Administration, including going through their garbage and following them as they drove their children to school.

A "digital version" of the movie was submitted for screening, according to Dick's attorney, Michael Donaldson. If that digital version turns out to be a DVD, the MPAA could also find itself in hot water for violating the DMCA. Oh, the irony! Either way, the MPAA can't be happy about being put into a position where they are forced to justify the same actions they decry when undertaken by a consumer.

Hitler was responsible for the deaths of 6 million Jews, but the MPAA isn’t, at least to the best of my knowledge. But Hitler did want to burn books and the MPAA seems to want to burn movies, and burn them to DVD-R’s apparently. They want to play with fire. It’s a dangerous game to point the finger at America and the entertainment industry’s consumers. I don't have an eye-patch, or a peg leg, not even a parrot, but I guess I'm still a fucking pirate. And guess what? So are you. The ship's already set sail, and now there's no turning back. So raise that black flag and pass me the rum...is that a copy of "Spider-Man 3?"