8 little indie flicks.

No, reviews here. Just a list of eight indie films I've watched recently. Some are a few years old. Just trying to catch up on shit I haven't seen. The list has no real order, except the first one would have to be the best of all of them. Check some of these out:

1. Wristcutters: A Love Story (2006)


2. The Chumscrubber (2005)


3. La science des rêves / The Science of Sleep (2006)


4. The Go-Getter (2007)


5. The United States of Leland (2003)


6. The Girlfriend Experience (2009)


7. S. Darko (2009)


8. Dark Corners (2006)

Wave Goodbye: The end of NIN.

On the Wave Goodbye (or NIN/JA) Tour, the night started with us walking in and seeing some guy about my age, in glasses and holding a Bible, "preaching" to everyone going in. The only thing I clearly remember him saying was, "Jesus Christ was the first person to ever say the word 'hellfire.'" I'm not really sure what the context was, but my first thought was, "That's not something to be proud of." Then I thought maybe the kid just needs to see a good rock show and fuck some drunk chick in the crowd, and then maybe he wouldn't be wound so tight.

I think there might have actually been more people at Trent Reznor's farewell tour last night than Ozzfest, Mayday, X-Fest, or Family Values. If it wasn't sold out, it was damn near close to it. Well, the lines were so damn long that Chris, Kevin, Lisa, and I missed the whole Street Sweeper Social Club set, finding a spot only about five minutes before Nine Inch Nails came on. It sucks even more too, because when I got home, I found a video on YouTube of the crowd singing Happy Birthday to Tom Morello, which apparently happened while we were waiting in line. Fuck.

Anyway, I've seen Nine Inch Nails once before, back on the With Teeth Tour in May 2005, exactly four years ago now. I guess the Noblesville show, the second to last show on the American tour, inspired something of a bit of envy among the rest of the NIN fans since the setlist had a few gems not played anywhere on the rest of the tour. I'm not sure why that was, but maybe it has something to with the Noblesville venue being one of the largest on everyone's tours, twenty-five thousand making a full house. In case you're curious, here's the setlist from last night, not including the instrumental Ghosts tracks. Home was the perfect song to open with, with an extended guitar beginning:

Home
1,000,000
Discipline
March of the Pigs
Piggy (Nothing Can Stop Me Now)
Metal
Meet Your Master
Head Down
I Do Not Want This
Gave Up
The Fragile
The Downward Spiral
Wish
Survivalism
Mr Self Destruct
Physical (You're So)
The Good Soldier
The Hand That Feeds
Head Like a Hole
Hurt

Almost all of this was during the super-cell thunderstorms that tore through Indy. I read that one newcaster even stated that: "Trent Reznor just scared away a tornado." I didn't even have to go stormchasing last night. It came right to us. We could see the dark clouds rolling in during Gave Up, and started sprinkling a little during The Fragile, and right as The Downward Spiral started, it became a downpour, which was as I was attempting to film the song with my phone. I watched it today, and it doesn't sound too bad, until about halfway through, where the sound almost completely disappears. So I think the rain fucked up my microphone. Oh well.

Then the rain slowed back down and lightning flashed across the sky in all four directions during Wish, Survivalism, and Mr Self Destruct. It was nothing short of amazing, only making the show that much better. I guess the preacher-boy was wrong, because it looked like even God enjoyed last night's show. I even enjoyed watching the hippie chick in front of us dance to every song the exact same way: just like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

The last time I saw NIN was just after With Teeth, so I never got to see any of Year Zero live. Getting to hear Meet Your Master and The Good Soldier live were definitely the highlights, with Hurt definitely among them. I just can't stop reliving how completely badass the show was last night. The more I think about it, the more I realize this was probably the best show I've been to, and I've been to a lot. I'm actually glad he didn't play Closer too, being a crowd favorite, and the fact that I've heard it so many damn times now. It probably would have taken the spot of one of the songs that never gets played, like The Good Soldier, which he only played last night on the whole tour, and was my favorite by far.

"I could say this is our last tour, but it will make you sad. So I won't say it."

I could tell the show was coming to an end with Head Like a Hole and then the last thing Reznor said was: "Every once in a while you have a night where you feel like everything is in the right place, time and place, and this is fucking it. Thank you so much," right before he ended the show with Hurt. It was just perfect.

I didn't really get into Jane's Addiction, other than Dave Navarro shredding the guitar. It was all just a little too 1980's David Bowie for me. I have to say though, the best part was in between two songs when Perry Farrell, practically in drag and holding a bottle of wine, said, "Hey, Indiana, and all you farmers. I want to come live on the farms with you. I know how some of you farm people like to get freaky." Everyone started cheering and I looked over at Kevin, Chris, and Lisa. The sky at this time was a weird black, orange, and purple like a low budget horror film about a midwest cult, and I said, "I think it's time to get the fuck outta here." We left not too long after.

Definitely the best money I've spent in a very long time. Reznor is a fucking god. The only real regret I have is having only seen Reznor twice now before he called it quits. Fuck, that's depressing.

While searching for good pics and vids from last night's show, I actually came across a working torrent of the entire show here: NIN Noblesville torrent. It sounds almost perfect, but of course, it just doesn't compare to actually being there. Also, if you're bored, check out the Nine Inch Nails Film Festival, where people send in videos using the instrumental tracks from his last release, Ghosts: NIN Film Fest.

Update: I kept seeing and hearing something about VIP donations, but had no clue what it was about. Well, here you go: NIN Helps Man In Need Of Heart Transplant. It just makes me wish I had decked that motherfucker holding the Bible.

The machinist, part 2.

I haven't seen much of the old man these days, since they basically laid him off. He only comes in about once every two weeks now. It's sad really, considering how much this man has taught me in the last year and a half. I feel like they're making budget cuts to my education instead of cuts to their overhead. In all fairness though, he is getting a bit too old to be doing all the amazing shit he does, and even a half-god needs rest from time to time. But since I last posted quotes in February, I've built up another decent list, with a couple of stories, the last seeming to be everyone's favorite. I still wish I could remember more, or remember to write down more, because I'm letting so much great wisdom fall through the cracks. Let's hope this isn't the last list I get to make.


Well, I'm heading to the house. Got me some ham salad I made last night for sandwiches. With the old lady sick, I've had to fend for myself. It's kinda nice though, having something different than a hot tongue and cold shoulder.

I talked to your old buddy yesterday. I guess he got back with his old lady. And I guess he dropped a package off for delivery.
Really? I heard she couldn't get pregnant.
Maybe it wasn't actually him. Looks like she found someone to stud her out. I'd get the bitch tested.

It's not pretty, but we ain't entering no fucking beauty pageant. Not that any of them here even know what that is anyway.

Don't marry for money, but hang around rich women ‘til you fall in love.

Driving that nice a'car to work at his age is damn ridiculous. It's just like pissing in the ocean. He's not getting any.

Here. I made an extra plate for you to take home. I know you're cheap and can't afford to dip into that thick wallet to buy yourself dinner.

Don't thank me. I couldn't give a shit today, or tomorrow.

The only time I ever paid for sex was back in my early 30's, I think. I was in D.C. for work, with my friend, and he said, "While we're in Washington, let's get a couple whores." So he got his, I got mine, and back at my hotel room she was sucking me off, and halfway though she looked up at me and said she'd have sex with me too if I wanted. I looked down at her and said, "I'm not paying you for sex. I'm paying you to suck my dick." And I pushed her head back down.

That ain't skill. That's shithouse luck.

Look at that shirt. Boy, you're sharper than a needle-dick hound.

Back when I was a teenager, and I had just got my license, I asked my dad if I could borrow his car. You see, I had a date that night with this broad that got around a bit. I don't know what you kids call 'em these days, but...
I guess we call them hoodrats.
What? Whatever. Anyway, this was back when segregation was still around, so in the movie theater they had a balcony where the blacks sat. Well, I didn't really want anyone seeing me with her, so we sat up there. While the movie was playing, I was fingering that pussy. Not more than a couple minute into it, the most vile, awful smell came up. I'm telling you, kid, fucking rank. Well, it was so bad that all the people around us on the balcony cleared out. I could hear them choking on the way out. After the movie was over, I didn't know what I was gonna do. I mean, that smell almost gagged me, but I was planning on fucking something that night.
God, let me guess...
I took her to the park, wrapped it twice, and fucked the hell outta her. I took her home, and she asked me if I was gonna call her tomorrow. I said, "Fuck no," and tore outta there. Halfway home I pulled the car over and puked. Twice. The next morning my old mad came pounding on my door and asked me, "Why the fuck does my car smell like someone fucking died?" I told him that was my date. He never let me drive that car again.

The truth is never beautiful.

I have never seen a documentary more vague or generalized, or sappy, than "The Beautiful Truth." Then again, "beauty" has always been such a hard thing to define, in a world than holds little "truth." The film is directed by Steve Kroschel, who narrates, while his son, Garrett, plays the part of interviewer and tool. The pair set off to investigate the claims of a Dr. Max Gerson, now deceased, who supposedly found a cure for cancer in 1928. The claim is bullshit, of course, but the film, its team, and the people they interview all believe otherwise.

One thing is for sure, that I am completely and utterly sick of every documentary comparing their antagonist to Adolf Hitler and the Nazis. I have seen enough stock footage of an enraged Hitler, marching Nazis, and Holocaust corpses being tossed into ditches to fill a World War II documentary in itself. Comparing the food and medical industries to the Third Reich in the first ten minutes gave me a very good idea as to what to expect for the next eighty minutes.

Roughly halfway through the documentary I decided to do a bit of research on the subject myself. I stopped the movie and came across several sites on the topic, and once I felt I had read plenty from enough various sources, I had to go against every fiber in my being to finish that overindulgent piece of shit in order to adequately review it.

Gerson's therapy is described as "an alternative dietary therapy which he claimed could cure cancer and most chronic, degenerative diseases. Gerson described his approach in the book 'A Cancer Therapy: Results of 50 Cases.' However, when Gerson's claims were independently evaluated by the National Cancer Institute, it was found that Gerson's records lacked the basic information necessary to systematically evaluate his claims, and the patients who were 'cured' by his treatment were also receiving standard, effective medical treatment simultaneously. The therapy is considered scientifically unsupported and potentially hazardous, and has been blamed for the deaths of patients who substituted it for standard medical care.”

In the film, they place the blame all on major food companies and the companies that supply farmers with chemicals for their crops, but never do they blame the FDA or hold it accountable. In fact, they basically come right out and say those words, when addressing a letter from the company Monsanto, "Assuring its safety is the FDA's job." The filmmakers did not agree. The FDA responded with: "Ultimately, it is the food producer who is responsible for assuring safety." The only thing this tells me is that the FDA serves no purpose. Yet, the filmmakers continue to go after the food industry, completely ignoring the FDA's responsibilities to the public.

At one point they even claim that Monsanto wants to implement a new "terminator technology" that would prevent farmers from saving seeds, leading to no new crops, thus creating mass starvation. I am not even going to go into how fucking moronic the claims of a food company wanting to starve its customers are.

Of course, they were also not above blaming the more popular leaders of recent history for the last century of supposed food crimes, such as Donald Rumsfeld and John Ashcroft. For the individuals that did not give permission to the filmmakers to use interviews or even their photos, Garrett drew pathetic cartoons, sometimes even caricatures, so crude and demeaning that I half-expected one to have horns and hold a pitchfork by the end of the movie.

But what exactly are Gerson’s methods? "Gerson's therapy required the patient to consume raw vegan food and to drink an 8-ounce glass of fresh organic juices every waking hour. Coffee and castor oil enemas were among several types of prescribed enemas, and some patients were given hydrogen peroxide orally and rectally. Rectal ozone was also applied. Dietary supplements include vitamin C and iodine. The diet prohibited the drinking of water and consumption of berries and nuts, as well as use of aluminum vessels or utensils."

Coffee enemas. Check. Drink hydrogen peroxide. Check. Do not drink water. Check. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Could it? "Coffee enemas have contributed to the deaths of at least three people in the United States. Coffee enemas 'can cause colitis (inflammation of the bowel), fluid and electrolyte imbalances, and in some cases septicemia.'" Well, that was only three deaths. Not so bad. “Initially, patients were required to drink several glasses of raw calf liver extract daily. Following an outbreak of Campylobacter infection linked to the Gerson clinic's extract, which sickened and killed several of the clinic's patients, carrot juice was substituted.” Interestingly, none of this was ever mentioned in the film.

As the documentary progressed, and each "recorded case" of a person being cured was shown, but not proven, I began to wonder what it was that made each case a "success." I knew that there had to be something different for each kind of cancer. But apparently the coffee enema, carrot juice, and organic fruit and vegetable diet cures absolutely everything, from diabetes, to breast cancer, to fibromyalgia. The Gerson Therapy even cures muscular dystrophy. It would seem that by eating only organic foods and shooting a latte up your ass every so often, you can live forever.

Not once does the documentary ever try to explain how this diet cures cancer. Nor does it ever delve any deeper than surface level of the supposed cases where patients are cured. Each interview comes off as shallow as a diet pill commercial, simply claiming “it works, it really works.” What the documentary does attempt to do is alienate and demoralize people who eat fast food, meat, corn, wheat, sugar, beans, nuts, and berries, as well as people that go to hospitals, dentist offices, and supermarkets, and not to forget doctors, dentists, and anyone who works at a non-organic food company. We all know the dangers of genetically-altered foods and monosodium glutamate, the food additive amino acid that shuts off the part of your brain that tells you when to stop eating. But what the documentary claims is that the food we normally eat everyday gives us cancer and the Gerson diet cures cancer.

I found it to be a nice touch when, while on the road, Garrett is shown in the passenger seat eating fast food. The voice over of the narrator says he wanted to tell him not to, but that it was "his own choice." Well, he probably could have prevented that by not pulling into a McDonald's drive-thru when they were hungry. It was also a nice touch, for the sake of proving his point, to have him eat two Big Macs, two large fries, and a sundae, then have him supposedly throw-up on the plane ride three hours later. It all just played into the MSG information only five minutes prior. It was perfect timing.

The real truth is not beautiful. The foods we eat may be giving us cancer. The obesity epidemic is only in America, even though MSG is found in food all over the world now. Americans are fat because they do not know when to stop: food, war, money, power, entertainment, violence, etc. We are simply overindulgent. And despite all fucking claims to the contrary, the Gerson Therapy does not cure shit. Beauty itself is simply a vain lie.

"Ignorance is preferable to error, and he is less remote from the truth who believes nothing than he who believes what is wrong." -Thomas Jefferson

Per Jim Gaffigan.

"I can’t believe I’m going to work on my birthday! I can’t believe I’m doing laundry on my birthday! I can’t believe I’m paying for sex on my birthday!"

Christianity and the founding fathers.

There's something I've heard quite often, since high school actually, from teachers (one in particular), friends, family, co-workers, politicians, and all of them have one thing in common: they're religious. But what is it that they keep repeating, with absolutely no basis in fact, quite the opposite actually?

"This country was founded on Christian values." There are many variations to the exact words they use, but the meaning is the same. Even those that claim, "This country was founded on the freedom of religion," who would actually call their children morons if they became Wiccan (though they would be) or tell them they're disappointed when they find that their children are atheist. What they really mean to say is that you're free to be Christian.

But how did we come to believe that the founding fathers ever cared enough about Christianity to leave England and start their own colonies? Well, I'm not sure, but one thing I'm sure about is that I can prove to you that you're full of shit. Here goes.

The men responsible for building the foundation of the United States had little use for Christianity, and many were strongly opposed to it. Hell, the Declaration of Independence should be proof enough, considering the power of governments up to that point had been based on divine right, dictated by God. Thomas Jefferson slapped God in the face with that one. Or how about the fact that the words "Jesus Christ, Christianity, Bible, and God" are never once mentioned anywhere in the Constitution?

Everyone's familiar with Jefferson's "All men are created equal. They are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights." That's seems odd coming from a man who also once said, "I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature." Jefferson was condemning the practice of slavery in the colonies when he actually wrote, "All men are created equal and independent. From that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable," before Congress changed it to increase its religious overtones.

Best of all, consider this: if indeed the members of the First Continental Congress were all Bible-believing, God-fearing men, would there ever have been a revolution at all?

"For rebellion as is the sin of witchcraft." 1 Samuel, 15:23

Though not a founding father, he is widely received as the second greatest American president, Abraham Lincoln may have well been the most against Christianity. Lincoln's first law partner, John T. Stuart, said of him: "He was an avowed and open infidel, and sometimes bordered on atheism. He went further against Christian beliefs and doctrines and principles than any man I have ever heard." Lincoln himself once said, "The Bible is not my book, nor Christianity my profession."

So, the next time you feel like changing history, try telling the truth instead. This country was founded on freedom, not religion. This isn't an attack on the religious, just the ignorant, and their content to be. I'll leave you with quotes on religion and Christianity from some of the "Christian" founding fathers:

"Lighthouses are more helpful than churches." -Benjamin Franklin

"In the affairs of the world, men are saved, not by faith, but by the lack of it." -Benjamin Franklin

"The purpose of separation of church and state is to keep forever from these shores the ceaseless strife that has soaked the soil of Europe in blood for centuries." -James Madison, 1803 letter objecting use of gov. land for churches

"Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise." -James Madison, letter to Wm. Bradford, April 1, 1774

"As I understand the Christian religion, it was, and is, a revelation. But how has it happened that millions of fables, tales, legends, have been blended with both Jewish and Christian revelation that have made them the most bloody religion that ever existed?" -John Adams, letter to F.A. Van der Kamp, Dec. 27, 1816

"This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it." -John Adams

"Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness, with which more than half of the Bible is filled, it would be more consistent that we call it the word of a demon than the word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind." -Thomas Paine

"The study of theology, as it stands in the Christian churches, is the study of nothing; it is founded on nothing; it rests on no principles; it proceeds by no authority; it has no data; it can demonstrate nothing; and it admits of no conclusion." -Thomas Paine

The Pope pulls out, apparently.

"The Vatican on Wednesday defended Pope Benedict XVI's opposition to the use of condoms to stop the spread of AIDS as activists, doctors and governments criticized it as unrealistic, unscientific and dangerous.

Benedict, arriving in Africa, said Tuesday that condoms 'increase the problem' of AIDS. The comment, made to reporters aboard his plane, caused a worldwide storm of criticism."

That's right. You heard it here, folks. The Pope says don't use condoms. Fine by me. I never much liked rubber gloves, spandex, or one-size-fits-all, and I like condoms even less. And now my antipathy is sanctioned by God himself. Thank God.

"Kevin De Cock, director of the H.I.V./AIDS program at the World Health Organization, said there was no scientific evidence showing that condom use spurs people to take more sexual risks."

Yes, the director of the AIDS program at WHO's last name is Cock. I couldn't make this up if I tried. But the most interesting thing the condom hat-wearing Pope had to say was:

"He also expressed concern about the impact of modernity and secularization on the traditional African family, telling the bishops to promote the understanding that marriage is indissoluble."

'Indissoluble' being the key word here. In America, 33% of all marriages end in divorce, and 50% of all second, third, fourth, etc. marriages end in divorce. It seems that the Pope is off his fucking meds. But I'll start pulling out instead.

The greatest short film I've ever seen.

Nothing much to say with this. I remember watching this video, but with different music, years ago. Originally I saw this with Kenna's "hell bent," which is an amazing song, and I've absolutely loved it ever since. But tonight, after watching it again, I found out that it wasn't made for his music video. I read that it was actually a short film, that was nominated for an Academy Award, made by Mark Osbourne, with music by New Order. Never knew that. I think both are great, but I have to love the original more out of respect for the creator, even if "hell bent" is a bit catchier (with great lyrics as well) compared to "Elegia." Just for reference, here's the link to the Kenna version (since it won't let me embed the video):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owS1coeoWEc

Know what country and pop don't have?

Badass fans who do this to see legends:

"Over 100 Iron Maiden fans were arrested before the band's show at Bogota's Simon Bolivar Park in Colombia on Saturday (March 7) as a riot broke out outside the venue.

Ticket-less fans gatecrashed the 25,000-capacity show, with riot police attempting to quell the chaos as rocks were thrown and tear gas was used by authorities, reports BBC News.

Of the 111 fans arrested, 40 remain in custody. One police officer, Rolado Arturo Girata Mora, required reconstructive surgery after being injured in the fracas.

Police said that the riot was caused by 'embarrassing acts perpetrated by a group of malcontents who wanted to enter without tickets'.

Local authorities are set to debate whether heavy metal acts should be allowed to take place in Bogota in the future.

Iron Maiden managed to perform the show when stage time came around, and did not comment on the riot."

Normally, I'd think it was a bit too much, but I've seen Iron Maiden, and frankly, I forgot about the fact that Ozzy was supposed to come on after, but couldn't. Not only does this show dedication to see a legendary band, it's just simply amazing that over 100 fans without tickets all decided to band together and break in. That also shows teamwork. And people call today's youth lazy...

Five reasons to break shit.

I love metal. And guess what? I love nu-metal. Yeah, that's right. And I miss it. I grew up on this shit. Well, that and Cradle of Filth. But what the hell happened? It's all good that those bands wanted to change their sound over the years. Like, for instance, I wouldn't want Tool to make another album just like Lateralus, after waiting almost five years. It's a good thing that they didn't...

But that doesn't mean that we can't still have new, er, nu-metal bands, does it? Oh well. I'll just keep listening to the old shit. So here's a list of five vids I miss. There was going to be more, like Slipknot, Korn, and Spineshank, but those damn record companies seem to enjoy disabling access to embed them.

"The Red" - Chevelle

The best idea for a music video, ever. It just didn't quite live up to my expectations. It could have been so much more pissed off. It always seemed funny to me, to pack a room with the angriest fuckers that aren't in jail. And deep down, I know this court-ordered class is in my future.

"Giving In" - Adema

I miss Adema, more than any band that lost a singer or disbanded. I don't quite know why everyone hated them. And to be honest, this vid has inspired quite a few writes actually. Great song all around. Even though it works with the whole addiction to sex, I wish the video had reflected the drinking addiction instead, just like the song.

"One Step Closer" - Linkin Park

This is the one that started it all. It really doesn't even seem like this is the same band. Like I said, I'm all for a band testing new grounds, but Linkin Park has really mellowed out. I miss this anger. Hell, I miss any emotion at all that they used to convey. Fuck it. I miss when they were Hybrid Theory.

"Last Resort" - Papa Roach

Christ. I don't know how many million times I've listened to the Infest CD all the way through. I still remember the night when Kevin bought this CD, and I bought Korn's Issues. The two best purchases we've ever made, including cars, food, and even clothes. If you have good nu-metal you don't need to eat, or even clothe yourself.

"Break Stuff" - Limp Bizkit

Fred Durst is the biggest douchefag in America, when Bono is touring in other countries. And he's soulless. But old Limp Bizkit really wasn't too bad. This was back when Durst was on his way to living in a dream world where he was king, but he wasn't quite there yet. The video's kind of cheesy, but I'll forgive him for that, because you're not supposed to make fun of mentally-handicapped people.


Well, that's the list. Just a trip down memory lane of my high school years. Now I need to go find something to break.

Update on the ever-accelerating growth of Bono's head.

"U2 have had a street in New York City named in their honour, to celebrate the release of their brand new album. In a ceremony today (March 3), 53rd Street in Manhattan was temporarily renamed U2 Way by Mayor Michael Bloomberg. The street will be called U2 Way for a week."

Today's forecast: Bono's ego and self-admiration is at an all-time high. No need to bundle up, because he's blowing out a lot of hot air. And there's a good chance that shit will start falling from the sky. That's God. He hates U2, like me. Because we're both smart. Except that story doesn't work, because Bono is apparently God.

"'We're here somewhere between 10th Avenue and funky, funky Broadway, somewhere south of Duke Ellington Way and north of Joey Ramone Place we find ourselves...where the streets have no name,' he said, according to Reuters."

U2 Way is the last stop the bus makes on its tour through the nine circles of Hell. Where Bono is king. God, I fucking hate Bono.


*Extra tidbit: I've always said his name as Bone-o. No real reason, other than the fact that that's technically how it should be pronounced, considering there is a vowel following the consonant after the first 'o' which would make it a long 'o' sound. Wouldn't it? I love proving you dicks wrong.

This little book is long overdue.

"'Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark' will open on Broadway on February 18, 2010 with music and lyrics written by U2's Bono and The Edge. The show is inspired by more than 40 years of Marvel Spider-Man comic books, but spins a new take on the tale of Peter Parker, who finds himself endowed with astonishing powers after he is bitten by a genetically altered spider.'

Yes, you read that correctly. Bono is going to write music for a Spider-Man Broadway musical. If the earth opened up and Hell arose from beneath the stage, I wouldn't even be the least bit surprised. To tell the truth, I'd actually be relieved.

"Bono and The Edge, one half of U2, will make their Broadway debut by creating new music and lyrics for the 'Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark.' Casting for the show is yet to be announced."

"Bono and The Edge, one half of U2," as if U2 was some kind of fucking superhero team, actually believe they're still cool and hip enough to make music people enjoy. Actually, I think Bono believes he's a superhero, with all of the 'humanitarian' work he does. The fuck was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, and even knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. As Slu would say, "What a dick."

His music is terrible (even the old shit), his ego is off the scale, and there's nothing creepier than an old man trying to be cool in front of a bunch of kids by attempting to dress and act like them. At the start of his career he made himself out to be a Bob Dylan or Willie Nelson with his vague and generalized 'protest' lyrics and attempt at singing.

As the years progressed, and record sales declined, the hack decided to be an artist in marketing, you could say. He sold-out quicker than light beer and nachos at NASCAR. Need proof? Here's an I-Pod commercial from 2004. I remember this one well, and decided to look it up for this. Despite everyone else being silhouetted, which is the way they had always done these commercials until this one, Bono is seen quite clearly.

Show me someone who still listens to U2 and I'll show you someone who's over the hill and can't escape the past. If there was ever a reason for me to be ashamed of being Irish, Bono would be it. There are no known words to me to express my hatred for this piece of shit. And there is no known crime that I wish would befall him. I hope there is a Hell, solely for the purpose of Bono burning in it for all eternity.

Can't place it, but it sounds so familiar.

"Gamers beware: Keeping too tight a grip on the console and furiously pushing the buttons can cause a newly identified skin disorder marked by painful lumps on the palms, Swiss scientists said on Tuesday.

Called 'PlayStation palmar hidradentitis' by the scientists, the skin disorder can cause painful lesions on the palms similar to patches found on the soles of children's feet after taking part in heavy physical activity, they said."

Yeah, they're called fucking calluses. Is America really so spoiled and lazy that we've forgotten what they are, and have actually come up with new names for them? I don't know a lot of Latin, but I can read that. It basically translates to 'Playstation hard palm' which sounds like a new badass account name...

I hate you stupid people.

"If it's too loud, you're too old."

So, music has no soul these days? I'm assuming this is based on the radio, MTV, music videos, and the top 40, right? Your "golden years" view is simply an embargo on a little time to actually research something, anything outside of the mainstream. You're only partial to your own age, whether it be the 60's, 70's, or 80's. You think our music all sounds the same and has no talent or lyrical power? Their inspiration resonates from your age, just as yours did from the years before.

So, go ahead, bash our music. But I do have one question for you. We all listen to classic rock and oldies from the past, but why is it that we never hear you listening to music from your own parents' childhood?

The machinist.

A very wise English teacher I once had said to the class: "There's no point in trying. Everything you plan to do has been done and every idea you will ever have has already been thought of before." So, taking his advice, I'm posting all the quotes I've copied down from a certain favorite co-worker of mine. As you read them, you'll know why I had to write them down before I forgot them, though some are said on a regular basis. Unfortunately, there are many I never had a chance to. Keep in mind, these are all things said to other co-workers, or him talking to me about them or someone he knows. As far as I can tell, he actually likes me. But I hope not, because then that would lessen his image in my mind and I would lose a little respect for him. I can only hope to become half the man he is.


Well, I'm heading to the house. If my dinner's not ready, I'm going to raise hell. If it is ready, I'm not going to eat.

I have a lot of tools at my workbench, but I've never seen one quite like you.

He's the kind of guy that'd jerk his dog off to feed his cat.

I call my wife Troll. She loves it. (Even has her name in his cell as 'Troll')

I hope your sons didn't get their brains from you. You're a fucking idiot.

You're getting married? Dumbass. I didn't even know people still did that. I guess kids today are just as stupid as they've always been.

I used to drink a 40 in the parking lot everyday on my lunch break. So one day a guy I work with, who was also a preacher, came up to me and said I shouldn't do that. That if I came to his church on Sunday, he could save me. So I asked him if he could save anyone. "Yes, anyone." Can you save a murderer? "Yes." Can you save a rapist? "Yes." Can you save a whore? "Yes, I can save a whore." Then can you save me a whore Friday night? That dickhead didn't talk to me on lunch anymore.

Wherever you find four Baptists, you'll find a fifth.

I'm going home to a hot woman and a cold beer. And it better not be the other
way around.

She quit? I don't blame her. Fuck this place. I'd quit too, if I didn't hate everything else even more.

Three illegitimate kids. I don't understand it. You kids can't just fuck for fun anymore?

Look at her dressed all in white, as if she was still a virgin. Probably hasn't been a virgin since the sixth grade.

When God made woman, He sure wasted one of man's damn ribs.

'M-F-er'? Is that like 'motherfucker'?

What a dick./He's a dick./Ain't he a dickhead?/You ever met a dick like that?

Cheap bastard./Cheap prick./That son of a bitch is cheap./Here's a nickel. I know how cheap you are, prick.


The man's a living legend. He has diabetes, calluses for hands, and he hates small talk. When he talks, I listen. When he comes over to my desk, he just sits in my chair and I stop what I'm doing because I know the shit about to come out of his mouth is going to be epic. Sometimes I think I'm staring into the mirror. Then I remember I'm not that badass. But he's teaching me.