I have never seen a documentary more vague or generalized, or sappy, than "The Beautiful Truth." Then again, "beauty" has always been such a hard thing to define, in a world than holds little "truth." The film is directed by Steve Kroschel, who narrates, while his son, Garrett, plays the part of interviewer and tool. The pair set off to investigate the claims of a Dr. Max Gerson, now deceased, who supposedly found a cure for cancer in 1928. The claim is bullshit, of course, but the film, its team, and the people they interview all believe otherwise.
One thing is for sure, that I am completely and utterly sick of every documentary comparing their antagonist to Adolf Hitler and the Nazis. I have seen enough stock footage of an enraged Hitler, marching Nazis, and Holocaust corpses being tossed into ditches to fill a World War II documentary in itself. Comparing the food and medical industries to the Third Reich in the first ten minutes gave me a very good idea as to what to expect for the next eighty minutes.
Roughly halfway through the documentary I decided to do a bit of research on the subject myself. I stopped the movie and came across several sites on the topic, and once I felt I had read plenty from enough various sources, I had to go against every fiber in my being to finish that overindulgent piece of shit in order to adequately review it. Gerson's therapy is described as "an alternative dietary therapy which he claimed could cure cancer and most chronic, degenerative diseases. Gerson described his approach in the book 'A Cancer Therapy: Results of 50 Cases.' However, when Gerson's claims were independently evaluated by the National Cancer Institute, it was found that Gerson's records lacked the basic information necessary to systematically evaluate his claims, and the patients who were 'cured' by his treatment were also receiving standard, effective medical treatment simultaneously. The therapy is considered scientifically unsupported and potentially hazardous, and has been blamed for the deaths of patients who substituted it for standard medical care.”
In the film, they place the blame all on major food companies and the companies that supply farmers with chemicals for their crops, but never do they blame the FDA or hold it accountable. In fact, they basically come right out and say those words, when addressing a letter from the company Monsanto, "Assuring its safety is the FDA's job." The filmmakers did not agree. The FDA responded with: "Ultimately, it is the food producer who is responsible for assuring safety." The only thing this tells me is that the FDA serves no purpose. Yet, the filmmakers continue to go after the food industry, completely ignoring the FDA's responsibilities to the public.
At one point they even claim that Monsanto wants to implement a new "terminator technology" that would prevent farmers from saving seeds, leading to no new crops, thus creating mass starvation. I am not even going to go into how fucking moronic the claims of a food company wanting to starve its customers are.
Of course, they were also not above blaming the more popular leaders of recent history for the last century of supposed food crimes, such as Donald Rumsfeld and John Ashcroft. For the individuals that did not give permission to the filmmakers to use interviews or even their photos, Garrett drew pathetic cartoons, sometimes even caricatures, so crude and demeaning that I half-expected one to have horns and hold a pitchfork by the end of the movie.
But what exactly are Gerson’s methods? "Gerson's therapy required the patient to consume raw vegan food and to drink an 8-ounce glass of fresh organic juices every waking hour. Coffee and castor oil enemas were among several types of prescribed enemas, and some patients were given hydrogen peroxide orally and rectally. Rectal ozone was also applied. Dietary supplements include vitamin C and iodine. The diet prohibited the drinking of water and consumption of berries and nuts, as well as use of aluminum vessels or utensils."
Coffee enemas. Check. Drink hydrogen peroxide. Check. Do not drink water. Check. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Could it? "Coffee enemas have contributed to the deaths of at least three people in the United States. Coffee enemas 'can cause colitis (inflammation of the bowel), fluid and electrolyte imbalances, and in some cases septicemia.'" Well, that was only three deaths. Not so bad. “Initially, patients were required to drink several glasses of raw calf liver extract daily. Following an outbreak of Campylobacter infection linked to the Gerson clinic's extract, which sickened and killed several of the clinic's patients, carrot juice was substituted.” Interestingly, none of this was ever mentioned in the film.
As the documentary progressed, and each "recorded case" of a person being cured was shown, but not proven, I began to wonder what it was that made each case a "success." I knew that there had to be something different for each kind of cancer. But apparently the coffee enema, carrot juice, and organic fruit and vegetable diet cures absolutely everything, from diabetes, to breast cancer, to fibromyalgia. The Gerson Therapy even cures muscular dystrophy. It would seem that by eating only organic foods and shooting a latte up your ass every so often, you can live forever.
Not once does the documentary ever try to explain how this diet cures cancer. Nor does it ever delve any deeper than surface level of the supposed cases where patients are cured. Each interview comes off as shallow as a diet pill commercial, simply claiming “it works, it really works.” What the documentary does attempt to do is alienate and demoralize people who eat fast food, meat, corn, wheat, sugar, beans, nuts, and berries, as well as people that go to hospitals, dentist offices, and supermarkets, and not to forget doctors, dentists, and anyone who works at a non-organic food company. We all know the dangers of genetically-altered foods and monosodium glutamate, the food additive amino acid that shuts off the part of your brain that tells you when to stop eating. But what the documentary claims is that the food we normally eat everyday gives us cancer and the Gerson diet cures cancer.
I found it to be a nice touch when, while on the road, Garrett is shown in the passenger seat eating fast food. The voice over of the narrator says he wanted to tell him not to, but that it was "his own choice." Well, he probably could have prevented that by not pulling into a McDonald's drive-thru when they were hungry. It was also a nice touch, for the sake of proving his point, to have him eat two Big Macs, two large fries, and a sundae, then have him supposedly throw-up on the plane ride three hours later. It all just played into the MSG information only five minutes prior. It was perfect timing.
The real truth is not beautiful. The foods we eat may be giving us cancer. The obesity epidemic is only in America, even though MSG is found in food all over the world now. Americans are fat because they do not know when to stop: food, war, money, power, entertainment, violence, etc. We are simply overindulgent. And despite all fucking claims to the contrary, the Gerson Therapy does not cure shit. Beauty itself is simply a vain lie.
"Ignorance is preferable to error, and he is less remote from the truth who believes nothing than he who believes what is wrong." -Thomas Jefferson
"I can’t believe I’m going to work on my birthday! I can’t believe I’m doing laundry on my birthday! I can’t believe I’m paying for sex on my birthday!"
There's something I've heard quite often, since high school actually, from teachers (one in particular), friends, family, co-workers, politicians, and all of them have one thing in common: they're religious. But what is it that they keep repeating, with absolutely no basis in fact, quite the opposite actually?
"This country was founded on Christian values." There are many variations to the exact words they use, but the meaning is the same. Even those that claim, "This country was founded on the freedom of religion," who would actually call their children morons if they became Wiccan (though they would be) or tell them they're disappointed when they find that their children are atheist. What they really mean to say is that you're free to be Christian.
But how did we come to believe that the founding fathers ever cared enough about Christianity to leave England and start their own colonies? Well, I'm not sure, but one thing I'm sure about is that I can prove to you that you're full of shit. Here goes.
The men responsible for building the foundation of the United States had little use for Christianity, and many were strongly opposed to it. Hell, the Declaration of Independence should be proof enough, considering the power of governments up to that point had been based on divine right, dictated by God. Thomas Jefferson slapped God in the face with that one. Or how about the fact that the words "Jesus Christ, Christianity, Bible, and God" are never once mentioned anywhere in the Constitution?
Everyone's familiar with Jefferson's "All men are created equal. They are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights." That's seems odd coming from a man who also once said, "I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature." Jefferson was condemning the practice of slavery in the colonies when he actually wrote, "All men are created equal and independent. From that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable," before Congress changed it to increase its religious overtones.
Best of all, consider this: if indeed the members of the First Continental Congress were all Bible-believing, God-fearing men, would there ever have been a revolution at all?
"For rebellion as is the sin of witchcraft." 1 Samuel, 15:23
Though not a founding father, he is widely received as the second greatest American president, Abraham Lincoln may have well been the most against Christianity. Lincoln's first law partner, John T. Stuart, said of him: "He was an avowed and open infidel, and sometimes bordered on atheism. He went further against Christian beliefs and doctrines and principles than any man I have ever heard." Lincoln himself once said, "The Bible is not my book, nor Christianity my profession."
So, the next time you feel like changing history, try telling the truth instead. This country was founded on freedom, not religion. This isn't an attack on the religious, just the ignorant, and their content to be. I'll leave you with quotes on religion and Christianity from some of the "Christian" founding fathers:
"Lighthouses are more helpful than churches." -Benjamin Franklin
"In the affairs of the world, men are saved, not by faith, but by the lack of it." -Benjamin Franklin
"The purpose of separation of church and state is to keep forever from these shores the ceaseless strife that has soaked the soil of Europe in blood for centuries." -James Madison, 1803 letter objecting use of gov. land for churches
"Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise." -James Madison, letter to Wm. Bradford, April 1, 1774
"As I understand the Christian religion, it was, and is, a revelation. But how has it happened that millions of fables, tales, legends, have been blended with both Jewish and Christian revelation that have made them the most bloody religion that ever existed?" -John Adams, letter to F.A. Van der Kamp, Dec. 27, 1816
"This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it." -John Adams
"Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness, with which more than half of the Bible is filled, it would be more consistent that we call it the word of a demon than the word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind." -Thomas Paine
"The study of theology, as it stands in the Christian churches, is the study of nothing; it is founded on nothing; it rests on no principles; it proceeds by no authority; it has no data; it can demonstrate nothing; and it admits of no conclusion." -Thomas Paine
"The Vatican on Wednesday defended Pope Benedict XVI's opposition to the use of condoms to stop the spread of AIDS as activists, doctors and governments criticized it as unrealistic, unscientific and dangerous.
Benedict, arriving in Africa, said Tuesday that condoms 'increase the problem' of AIDS. The comment, made to reporters aboard his plane, caused a worldwide storm of criticism."
That's right. You heard it here, folks. The Pope says don't use condoms. Fine by me. I never much liked rubber gloves, spandex, or one-size-fits-all, and I like condoms even less. And now my antipathy is sanctioned by God himself. Thank God.
"Kevin De Cock, director of the H.I.V./AIDS program at the World Health Organization, said there was no scientific evidence showing that condom use spurs people to take more sexual risks."
Yes, the director of the AIDS program at WHO's last name is Cock. I couldn't make this up if I tried. But the most interesting thing the condom hat-wearing Pope had to say was:
"He also expressed concern about the impact of modernity and secularization on the traditional African family, telling the bishops to promote the understanding that marriage is indissoluble."
'Indissoluble' being the key word here. In America, 33% of all marriages end in divorce, and 50% of all second, third, fourth, etc. marriages end in divorce. It seems that the Pope is off his fucking meds. But I'll start pulling out instead.
Nothing much to say with this. I remember watching this video, but with different music, years ago. Originally I saw this with Kenna's "hell bent," which is an amazing song, and I've absolutely loved it ever since. But tonight, after watching it again, I found out that it wasn't made for his music video. I read that it was actually a short film, that was nominated for an Academy Award, made by Mark Osbourne, with music by New Order. Never knew that. I think both are great, but I have to love the original more out of respect for the creator, even if "hell bent" is a bit catchier (with great lyrics as well) compared to "Elegia." Just for reference, here's the link to the Kenna version (since it won't let me embed the video):
"Over 100 Iron Maiden fans were arrested before the band's show at Bogota's Simon Bolivar Park in Colombia on Saturday (March 7) as a riot broke out outside the venue.
Ticket-less fans gatecrashed the 25,000-capacity show, with riot police attempting to quell the chaos as rocks were thrown and tear gas was used by authorities, reports BBC News.
Of the 111 fans arrested, 40 remain in custody. One police officer, Rolado Arturo Girata Mora, required reconstructive surgery after being injured in the fracas.
Police said that the riot was caused by 'embarrassing acts perpetrated by a group of malcontents who wanted to enter without tickets'.
Local authorities are set to debate whether heavy metal acts should be allowed to take place in Bogota in the future.
Iron Maiden managed to perform the show when stage time came around, and did not comment on the riot."
Normally, I'd think it was a bit too much, but I've seen Iron Maiden, and frankly, I forgot about the fact that Ozzy was supposed to come on after, but couldn't. Not only does this show dedication to see a legendary band, it's just simply amazing that over 100 fans without tickets all decided to band together and break in. That also shows teamwork. And people call today's youth lazy...
I love metal. And guess what? I love nu-metal. Yeah, that's right. And I miss it. I grew up on this shit. Well, that and Cradle of Filth. But what the hell happened? It's all good that those bands wanted to change their sound over the years. Like, for instance, I wouldn't want Tool to make another album just like Lateralus, after waiting almost five years. It's a good thing that they didn't...
But that doesn't mean that we can't still have new, er, nu-metal bands, does it? Oh well. I'll just keep listening to the old shit. So here's a list of five vids I miss. There was going to be more, like Slipknot, Korn, and Spineshank, but those damn record companies seem to enjoy disabling access to embed them.
"The Red" - Chevelle
The best idea for a music video, ever. It just didn't quite live up to my expectations. It could have been so much more pissed off. It always seemed funny to me, to pack a room with the angriest fuckers that aren't in jail. And deep down, I know this court-ordered class is in my future.
"Giving In" - Adema
I miss Adema, more than any band that lost a singer or disbanded. I don't quite know why everyone hated them. And to be honest, this vid has inspired quite a few writes actually. Great song all around. Even though it works with the whole addiction to sex, I wish the video had reflected the drinking addiction instead, just like the song.
"One Step Closer" - Linkin Park
This is the one that started it all. It really doesn't even seem like this is the same band. Like I said, I'm all for a band testing new grounds, but Linkin Park has really mellowed out. I miss this anger. Hell, I miss any emotion at all that they used to convey. Fuck it. I miss when they were Hybrid Theory.
"Last Resort" - Papa Roach
Christ. I don't know how many million times I've listened to the Infest CD all the way through. I still remember the night when Kevin bought this CD, and I bought Korn's Issues. The two best purchases we've ever made, including cars, food, and even clothes. If you have good nu-metal you don't need to eat, or even clothe yourself.
"Break Stuff" - Limp Bizkit
Fred Durst is the biggest douchefag in America, when Bono is touring in other countries. And he's soulless. But old Limp Bizkit really wasn't too bad. This was back when Durst was on his way to living in a dream world where he was king, but he wasn't quite there yet. The video's kind of cheesy, but I'll forgive him for that, because you're not supposed to make fun of mentally-handicapped people.
Well, that's the list. Just a trip down memory lane of my high school years. Now I need to go find something to break.
"U2 have had a street in New York City named in their honour, to celebrate the release of their brand new album. In a ceremony today (March 3), 53rd Street in Manhattan was temporarily renamed U2 Way by Mayor Michael Bloomberg. The street will be called U2 Way for a week."
Today's forecast: Bono's ego and self-admiration is at an all-time high. No need to bundle up, because he's blowing out a lot of hot air. And there's a good chance that shit will start falling from the sky. That's God. He hates U2, like me. Because we're both smart. Except that story doesn't work, because Bono is apparently God.
"'We're here somewhere between 10th Avenue and funky, funky Broadway, somewhere south of Duke Ellington Way and north of Joey Ramone Place we find ourselves...where the streets have no name,' he said, according to Reuters."
U2 Way is the last stop the bus makes on its tour through the nine circles of Hell. Where Bono is king. God, I fucking hate Bono.
*Extra tidbit: I've always said his name as Bone-o. No real reason, other than the fact that that's technically how it should be pronounced, considering there is a vowel following the consonant after the first 'o' which would make it a long 'o' sound. Wouldn't it? I love proving you dicks wrong.
"'Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark' will open on Broadway on February 18, 2010 with music and lyrics written by U2's Bono and The Edge. The show is inspired by more than 40 years of Marvel Spider-Man comic books, but spins a new take on the tale of Peter Parker, who finds himself endowed with astonishing powers after he is bitten by a genetically altered spider.'
Yes, you read that correctly. Bono is going to write music for a Spider-Man Broadway musical. If the earth opened up and Hell arose from beneath the stage, I wouldn't even be the least bit surprised. To tell the truth, I'd actually be relieved.
"Bono and The Edge, one half of U2, will make their Broadway debut by creating new music and lyrics for the 'Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark.' Casting for the show is yet to be announced."
"Bono and The Edge, one half of U2," as if U2 was some kind of fucking superhero team, actually believe they're still cool and hip enough to make music people enjoy. Actually, I think Bono believes he's a superhero, with all of the 'humanitarian' work he does. The fuck was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, and even knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. As Slu would say, "What a dick."
His music is terrible (even the old shit), his ego is off the scale, and there's nothing creepier than an old man trying to be cool in front of a bunch of kids by attempting to dress and act like them. At the start of his career he made himself out to be a Bob Dylan or Willie Nelson with his vague and generalized 'protest' lyrics and attempt at singing.
As the years progressed, and record sales declined, the hack decided to be an artist in marketing, you could say. He sold-out quicker than light beer and nachos at NASCAR. Need proof? Here's an I-Pod commercial from 2004. I remember this one well, and decided to look it up for this. Despite everyone else being silhouetted, which is the way they had always done these commercials until this one, Bono is seen quite clearly.
Show me someone who still listens to U2 and I'll show you someone who's over the hill and can't escape the past. If there was ever a reason for me to be ashamed of being Irish, Bono would be it. There are no known words to me to express my hatred for this piece of shit. And there is no known crime that I wish would befall him. I hope there is a Hell, solely for the purpose of Bono burning in it for all eternity.
"Gamers beware: Keeping too tight a grip on the console and furiously pushing the buttons can cause a newly identified skin disorder marked by painful lumps on the palms, Swiss scientists said on Tuesday.
Called 'PlayStation palmar hidradentitis' by the scientists, the skin disorder can cause painful lesions on the palms similar to patches found on the soles of children's feet after taking part in heavy physical activity, they said."
Yeah, they're called fucking calluses. Is America really so spoiled and lazy that we've forgotten what they are, and have actually come up with new names for them? I don't know a lot of Latin, but I can read that. It basically translates to 'Playstation hard palm' which sounds like a new badass account name...
So, music has no soul these days? I'm assuming this is based on the radio, MTV, music videos, and the top 40, right? Your "golden years" view is simply an embargo on a little time to actually research something, anything outside of the mainstream. You're only partial to your own age, whether it be the 60's, 70's, or 80's. You think our music all sounds the same and has no talent or lyrical power? Their inspiration resonates from your age, just as yours did from the years before.
So, go ahead, bash our music. But I do have one question for you. We all listen to classic rock and oldies from the past, but why is it that we never hear you listening to music from your own parents' childhood?
A very wise English teacher I once had said to the class: "There's no point in trying. Everything you plan to do has been done and every idea you will ever have has already been thought of before." So, taking his advice, I'm posting all the quotes I've copied down from a certain favorite co-worker of mine. As you read them, you'll know why I had to write them down before I forgot them, though some are said on a regular basis. Unfortunately, there are many I never had a chance to. Keep in mind, these are all things said to other co-workers, or him talking to me about them or someone he knows. As far as I can tell, he actually likes me. But I hope not, because then that would lessen his image in my mind and I would lose a little respect for him. I can only hope to become half the man he is.
Well, I'm heading to the house. If my dinner's not ready, I'm going to raise hell. If it is ready, I'm not going to eat.
I have a lot of tools at my workbench, but I've never seen one quite like you.
He's the kind of guy that'd jerk his dog off to feed his cat.
I call my wife Troll. She loves it. (Even has her name in his cell as 'Troll')
I hope your sons didn't get their brains from you. You're a fucking idiot.
You're getting married? Dumbass. I didn't even know people still did that. I guess kids today are just as stupid as they've always been.
I used to drink a 40 in the parking lot everyday on my lunch break. So one day a guy I work with, who was also a preacher, came up to me and said I shouldn't do that. That if I came to his church on Sunday, he could save me. So I asked him if he could save anyone. "Yes, anyone." Can you save a murderer? "Yes." Can you save a rapist? "Yes." Can you save a whore? "Yes, I can save a whore." Then can you save me a whore Friday night? That dickhead didn't talk to me on lunch anymore.
Wherever you find four Baptists, you'll find a fifth.
I'm going home to a hot woman and a cold beer. And it better not be the other way around.
She quit? I don't blame her. Fuck this place. I'd quit too, if I didn't hate everything else even more.
Three illegitimate kids. I don't understand it. You kids can't just fuck for fun anymore?
Look at her dressed all in white, as if she was still a virgin. Probably hasn't been a virgin since the sixth grade.
When God made woman, He sure wasted one of man's damn ribs.
'M-F-er'? Is that like 'motherfucker'?
What a dick./He's a dick./Ain't he a dickhead?/You ever met a dick like that?
Cheap bastard./Cheap prick./That son of a bitch is cheap./Here's a nickel. I know how cheap you are, prick.
The man's a living legend. He has diabetes, calluses for hands, and he hates small talk. When he talks, I listen. When he comes over to my desk, he just sits in my chair and I stop what I'm doing because I know the shit about to come out of his mouth is going to be epic. Sometimes I think I'm staring into the mirror. Then I remember I'm not that badass. But he's teaching me.
Here’s the fourth and final part of the zombie movie list. This time around I’ve got sequels, a few unknowns, and cult classics that no zombie list should be without. I even managed to make it to an even forty movies, which I didn’t think I’d get. There’s a couple I’ve downloaded but haven’t watched and a few I still would like to find, so I may end up making a fifth addition later, but for now, here is the rest of every undead movie I can recall ever watching.
House of the Dead 2 (2005)
A virus lets loose on a college campus, and a special ops team isn't sent in until about 30 days later. Somehow the zombies created from this virus never seem to venture off campus, probably because they're still waiting for their classes to resume. This is the sequel to Uwe Boll's masterpiece, but since he's not behind this one, it's actually a bit better. Just a bit. The characters are still plain and 2-dimensional, with the only exception really being the main female lead, though still nothing spectacular. The action is par, but the whole film takes place at night and begins to wear on you, since everything just looks too dark. But you can't expect much from a made-for-TV movie. All in all, it's better than it's predecessor, but still crap.
Best line: I don't remember any and I can't find a single quote anywhere. So, none.
Re-Animator (1985)
Jeffrey Combs (the crazy FBI agent from The Frighteners) stars as Howard West in this H. P. Lovecraft-inspired horror about a medical student assisting West in reanimating the dead. I've put this cult classic off for years until just the other night. It's campy, cheesy, and filled with so much damn blood that I'm amazed it's an 80's movie. It really surprised me at how much I like it. Some of it doesn't really make sense (like a severed head that's still able to talk separated from its body), but it's meant to be silly like that. Some of the lines are hilarious and well timed, and the make-up is pretty damn good. I can see why this movie has such a huge following. There are two sequels to Re-Animator, which I'll have to check out later. I'm glad I finally watched this one.
Best line: "You steal the secret of life and death, and here you are trysting with a bubble-headed coed."
Braindead - Dead Alive (1992)
"A young man's mother is bitten by a Sumatran rat-monkey. She gets sick and dies, at which time she comes back to life, killing and eating dogs, nurses, friends, and neighbors." It's hard to believe this is Peter Jackson, the man who brought you The Lord of the Rings trilogy, but it is. It's hands down the goriest and most disgusting movie I have ever had the pleasure of viewing. That's no exaggeration either. It's sick. Actually, the zombie game Dead Rising took inspiration from Braindead, because in the end the main character holds up a lawn mower and hacks up tons of zombies. It's gruesome. Braindead is technically a horror/comedy in the same style as Re-Animator and many others on the list, but I can't say I've seen anything much like it. It's low budget obviously, and one of the funniest parts is the Sumatran rat-monkey, that looks like complete shit. It's so cheep that it cracked me up. I can't see too many people appreciating this movie like I do.
Best line: "I kick ass for the Lord!"
Wicked Little Things (2006)
A widow and her two daughters inherit a house from her late husband up in the mountains near a mine, where kids used to work and were all killed. Now the zombie kids are back for blood. Despite the film being beautifully shot, especially the opening of the kids in 1913, tinted in black and amber, the movie was stale. I predicted the plot and the actions of the characters with ease, and it never once surprised me. It's definitely not as bad as some of the crap already on this list, but it's never good. I'm not really sure that these kids are zombies, though they call them that in the movie. They are undead though, and eat the people that they kill, so that means they aren't ghosts. I guess that makes them zombies. Overall, a boring flick with wasted cinematography. The trailer sucks, but it's the only one I could find. Sorry.
Best line: "Run." "What?" "Run." "Where?" "With me, RUN!"
Best line: "Detective, other than confessing to a murder, is there a point to this conversation?"
Outpost (2008)
Starring Ray Stevenson (the new Punisher), a scientist hires a group of mercenaries to take him to an abandoned bunker in Europe, that turns out to be an old Nazi bunker. Apparently, the Nazis built a machine called a field generator that allowed them to turn a troop of soldiers immortal, existing within this field and enabling them to come and go at will. It's better explained in the movie, which is actually rooted well in science, but that's the basics. I just found out about this one the other day, and it sounded amazing. Nazi zombies. It doesn't get much better than that. To become immortal in this field, they had to kill all of the soldiers first. This is how they basically become zombies. At first, it sounded more like they were ghosts, but they're technically still somewhat alive and when they "take shape" they are real and can interact with objects at will. It's probably the most innovative zombie idea I've seen in years. The movie itself is beautifully shot and the actions scenes are great, but it's actually more of a scary movie than zombie shoot-em-up, and some of the scenes are creepy as hell. The best being the first time the forest lights up showing their silhouettes. Definitely a good low budget horror movie.
Best line: "See, the bright light...it ain't Heaven, son. It's just a muzzle flare."
Pet Semetary (1989)
Based on the Stephen King novel, the Creed family move into a new house in the country, near an old pet cemetery, that used to be an Indian burial ground. There's a curse on the land, and the family decides to bury their dead pet there. And it decides to come back. But it's not really alive anymore. Eventually people get buried there, including the Creed's little boy, Gage, which is one of the creepiest little kids in any movie, far surpassing these shitty Japanese horror knock-offs. This is one of the many good Stephen King adaptations, and still a creepy flick. The acting is great by everyone too, and like I said before, especially the little boy.
Best line: "Today is Thanksgiving day for cats. But only if they came back from the dead."
Pet Semetary II (1992)
The sequel to the Stephen King-based movie, this time starring a young Edward Furlong before he disappeared off the face of the Earth. It's basically the same ideas as the first, though nowhere near as entertaining or creepy, mainly because there was no novel to base it off of. It's been years since I've seen this, so I can't fully remember it all, but it was average at best. There were a few scenes that came off a bit hokey, and this brought it down quite a bit. The acting was nowhere near as good either. Definitely not as good as the original.
Best line: "Drew, I know your dog died, but get a grip, man, you're freaking me out!"
Route 666 (2001)
Beneath Route 66, four prisoners were buried and then paved over. They come back as zombies. I vaguely recall this film and just remembered watching it the other day. I can't give a great review giving that I’ve forgotten most of it, but I can tell you that it was a shitty made-for-TV kind of movie and I don't even remember how it ends, or if I finished it at all. I do remember that the Feds kept firing hundreds of rounds, not taking down the zombies at all, and obviously it was quite profound, seeing as how I couldn't even find a trailer for it. I guess that says a lot in itself.
Best line: "Don't leave me here with Helen Keller and the Three Blind Mice! I am not safe with these guys!"
Here’s part 3 of the zombie marathon thing. This time, I’ve got a few horror/comedies, a few cult classics, and the famous Resident Evil series. This puts the list at thirty strong now. That’s a hell of a lot of zombie movies. Just one more part of the list left. I’ve got two or three hard to find flicks left to watch, then I’ll finish.
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Shaun is probably one of the best comedies I've seen, plus it's about zombies, so it really couldn't get much better than that. At its core, it's basically a parody of zombie films, but it really is so much more. The story is simple: "a man decides to turn his moribund life around by winning back his ex-girlfriend, reconciling his relationship with his mother, and dealing with an entire community that has returned from the dead to eat the living." It stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, good friends in real life, and they're damned hilarious together (just like in Hot Fuzz). There are so many examples of great lines and witty dialog, some not so obvious. For example, Nick's character and a roommate get into a fight and he tells Shaun that the next time he sees him, "he's dead." And later on, he tries to attack him as a zombie. The whole movie is tight, and any fan of zombie movies should check it out, if you haven't already. Plus, Kate Ashfield is smoking hot, as seen above. "You've got red on you."
Best line: "As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "I" in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team...I don't know what he's talking about."
Fido (2006)
A kid's best friend is actually his family's pet zombie. The whole town has pet zombies in this future world/50's era. Something happened to cause everyone who dies to return from the dead. If you're rich enough, you can have a funeral (complete with a head coffin after it's severed). If not, you come back as a zombie pet controlled by a special collar. It's a horror/comedy, obviously. I kept forgetting to check this one out since I first heard of it back in 2005, and finally remembered a few weeks ago. I'm glad I did too. I never would have imagined stand-up comedian Billy Connolly taking a role without a single line, and yet, he's perfect for the part. Aside from the kid doing a good job too, Carrie-Anne Moss actually provided the best bits of humor in this one. I never pictured her as the comedy type, but she's actually better at this than drama. Go rent this.
Best line: "Bill, just because your father tried to eat you, does that mean we all have to be unhappy...forever?"
[Rec] (2007)
A TV reporter and a cameraman are following the fire department on their night shift. They answer a call from a lady who's trapped in her home, which happens to be an apartment building. When they arrive, it goes to shit. This is actually the film that unoriginal American Hollywood execs decided to remake and release last year, called Quarantine. It's not on my list, because I haven't seen it, nor intend to. Not because it's a remake. Because I heard that almost nothing is different, except gone are those annoying little words that they put at the bottom of the screen that I hate reading because I'm lazy. Nope, just this version, in Spanish. [Rec] was filmed from the cameraman's point of view, ie. Cloverfield and Blair Witch Project, and it's scary as hell. Seriously. It's definitely more of a modern horror than campy or sci-fi crap like Resident Evil. Dark hallways, creepy lighting, it's all there. Don't be a lazy, illiterate douchebag. Rent [Rec] instead of Quarantine. Foreign horror remakes are starting to give Disney a run for it's money on telling someone else's stories.
Best line: "What's your show called?" "While You're Asleep." "While You're Asleep? Then who watches it?"
The Evil Dead (1981)
Five friends take a little trip into the woods to stay at a cabin, and while there, they set loose demons and the undead. The first of Sam Raimi's cult classic trilogy, and just like the other two, it's good, campy fun. This was back in the day, when Raimi wasn't afraid of that R-rating and liked to get his hands a bit dirty. Back in the 80's, this was a good movie because it was cheesy and campy, but now it's just kind of crappy, which is also good, of course. It's still worth checking out, because this is where ass-kicking Ash got his start.
Best line: "I know now that my wife has become host to a Candarian demon. I fear that the only way to stop those possessed by the spirits of the book is through the act of...bodily dismemberment."
Evil Dead II (1987)
It's kind of a sequel, kind of a remake, kind of a retelling. Take your pick. Doesn't matter really. Ash escapes the crazy shit from the first movie, then...takes refuge in a different cabin with other people. No matter how you look at it though, the sequel is leagues greater than the original. The first movie desperately needed some humor. This one has it. Ash is starting to turn into the prick that he is in Army of Darkness. This movie also has a massive amount of blood compared to Evil Dead, though it’s extremely overdone for comic value. That's the reason that these are cult films. It's just not the general public's thing. But it's definitely mine.
Best line: "Hey, what do you say we have some champagne, huh, baby?" "Sure." "After all, I'm a man and you're a woman...at least last time I checked."
Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! - Strippers vs. Zombies (2008)
Not to be confused with Zombie Strippers!, though not much different. Same old shit: a failed experiment goes wrong and ends up creating a bunch of zombies. Oh, and trust me, its as amazing as it's two titles. Some strippers, their friends, and others barricade themselves inside a strip club with the undead beating down the doors. There are no stars in this one. And no plot. The action is terrible. The dialog is the verbal equivalent of not wiping after you shit. One of the guys even "parodies" the infamous line from another shitty movie, Snakes on a Plane: "I'm sick of these motherfucking zombies in this motherfucking strip club." I like crappy movies. But I don't like movies that are so terrible that I can't even laugh. I just feel ashamed for downloading it, and watching it, and especially finishing it...
Best line: "Don't say another word, you fucker, or I swear to God I'll blow your pimp ass in half!"
Resident Evil (2002)
A global corporation accidentally releases the infamous "T-virus" in one of it's large underground facilities. Alice, confused and suffering memory loss, goes down into the building with a group of soldiers to kill zombies, or something like that. Resident Evil is based of a series of badass zombie video games, of which have nothing in common with the movies, save a big house at the opening...and zombies. But actually, this is the only Resident Evil that doesn't suck a hard one. It's all action and one liners, but at least it's all good. Milla Jovovich stars as Alice, playing the only role she knows how, which is always hit and miss, but works this time. Also playing a role she was apparently born into is Michelle Rodriguez. The action though, is actually very well done. This is really the only one of the three to see. I just read today that the fourth is announced, and will take place in Alaska. Brilliant. Because there are lots of people to turn into zombies in Alaska...
Best line: "Bitch wouldn't open the door, so I had to fry her."
Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)
Alice is out of the facility, supped-up with some secret serum, and is ready to hand Raccoon City a new one. But Umbrella has plans of their own: an eight-foot tall, bazooka carrying zombie Bigfoot named Nemesis...and he knows kung-fu. In this one, they decided to try pulling more stuff from the games, namely Nemesis (minus the karate) and Jill Valentine, who's hot but can't act. Just like the first one, the action is dead on, but unlike the first one, the dialog blows. Sometimes you'll hear those kinds of lines that make you squint because it was actually painful to watch and hard to imagine someone getting that kind of a job, and getting paid to write it. Anyway, it's a big step down from the first, but I wasn't expecting much. Its proof that a big Hollywood budget won't necessarily make your movie any better than Zombie Strippers! or House of the Dead.
Best line: "GTA, motherfucker! Oh, yeah! Ten points."
Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)
The survivors of Raccoon City are now traveling across the desert of Nevada hoping to reach Alaska, which makes sense from the standpoint of a story, but not a sequel. In keeping with the tradition, they introduce more characters from the game, who mean nothing, because they're bad actors portraying flat characters, who all like to get out at every stop on the ride just to get themselves killed. I can see the pattern here. The action gets better and better while the plot and dialog and reason for keeping this series going all begin to fade away. While I liked this one slightly better than the last, it's definitely not noteworthy, and the ending in itself is one of the most retarded things I've seen from a big summer blockbuster. And I've seen Independence Day.
Best line: "I knew your sister. She was a homicidal bitch."
Resident Evil: Degeneration (2008)
After the fans of the Resident Evil video games bitched enough, Capcom wised up and gave them a movie based off of the video games. A purely CGI flick starring characters Leon S. Kennedy and Claire Redfield, the story takes place some odd years after Resident Evil 4. It begins at an airport, with an outbreak of the T-virus, and the story starts taking some turns along the way. While I would have rather seen a live action version of this, I can't ignore the amazing CGI work done here. It's on par with the best, which is amazing considering it never got a theatrical release. The original voice actors reprise their roles from the games and since they've done this all before, they do a great job. The action is great. The dialog is never moronic. And the story is on par with the games. It really makes me wonder who thinks they know what the general public will like and not like. Maybe the same people that want to make a zombie movie in Alaska, or remake Oldboy, or make a movie about 2012.
Best line: "They aren't fast, we can get by them."
A truck driver came in and started rambling on about the 2012 end of days bullshit to a coworker. I rolled my eyes, like usual when this crap's brought up, because I know people don't actually know what they're talking about, just repeating hearsay in similar fashion to that old kids' game of "telephone" and Roland Emmerich is lapping it up like the last puddle of water in a desert.
Anyway, I kept my mouth shut, as usual, and let him talk about how "every 24,000 years the Earth destroys itself and in 2012 it's gonna do it again for the fifth time." Wow, is that all the Earth's been around for? He continued by explaining how "Nostradamus predicted this, like that guy that uncoded the Bible" and skipped over Revelations apparently. Then he finished by saying he didn't believe in global warming and that in 2012 "the sun's gonna disappear behind the Milky Way and the farmers ain't gonna grow no food no more." Word for word, quote for quote. I wrote this shit down. It still amazes me that people question why I have no faith or hope for humankind.
I have a bit of an unnatural magnetism to horror. I dig nightmarish monsters, space terror, evil cults, and women covered in blood, but I'm not picky. I have a Tumblr called Terror Theater where I just post pics from horror films. I've been making electronic music for a little over five years now and release it all for free under the current moniker Steamgunk. I've been writing short stories and prose for about twelve years now and I read lots. I have Peter Pan syndrome and an enormous ego.
I have never seen a documentary more vague or generalized, or sappy, than "The Beautiful Truth." Then again, "beauty" has always been such a hard thing to define, in a world than holds little "truth." The film is directed by Steve Kroschel, who narrates, while his son, Garrett, plays the part of interviewer and tool. The pair set off to investigate the claims of a Dr. Max Gerson, now deceased, who supposedly found a cure for cancer in 1928. The claim is bullshit, of course, but the film, its team, and the people they interview all believe otherwise.
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