Let me report the news tonight.

Evil knows no bounds.

Apparently in Sugar Hill, New Hampshire an old woman, who probably shouldn’t have been driving in the first place, wrecked her car, setting the hag’s vehicle on fire. As if this wasn’t enough, two men violently pulled her frightened body out and attempted to car-jack the old broad with a razorblade. Luckily the car exploded in a great pyre before they were able to take it to use for their drug trafficking or armed robbery or whatever they were planning to do with it. At least, that’s what I got from it when I skimmed through it. I didn’t actually read it, but the title said it all. See for yourself:

http://www.wmur.com/family/17425534/detail.html#-

Ugly baby gets a new home.

In North Bay Village, Florida a “horrid” baby was found in the bushes. Apparently the ugly wretch was justifiably hideous enough for the mother to give her spawn away to the shrubs. The police officers and child service representatives were so appalled by its features that they left it in the bushes and thanked the mother for her effort. The full story’s found here:

http://www.local10.com/news/17429991/detail.html

I’ve never seen anyone move that fast.

In Milwaukee firefighter Lt. Ron Firnrohr (or Fenrir for short) dodged multiple bullets on a routine call for a fender-bender. “This shit ain’t nothing new, “ admitted Fenrir, “comes with the job.” Statistics prove that most fender-benders in Milwaukee end in epic gunfights and firefighters have become so accustomed to dodging them that “when the time comes, they won’t have to.” See for yourself:

http://www.wisn.com/cnn-news/17424850/detail.html

Defeat is something hard to admit.

In New York Melody Gardot has given up on trying to walk, blaming an accident she had when she was 19. Instead of reaching for the stars, which are a few feet farther away from her now, she has decided Plan B ain’t so bad. Using the notoriety of her less-able-ness, Melody (makes sense) figures a singing career is pretty safe, especially considering the gimmick of always wearing sunglasses and that most accidents don’t destroy your voice. Legs can really only take you so far. But a good song lasts 3 or 4 minutes. The quitter’s tale is told here:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/09/04/melody.gardot/index.html

Well, that’s all I skimmed through tonight. The world sure is fucked up.

College presidents vs. the government and MADD.

I have to say, this is one of the most surprising articles in news that I've read in quite some time:

"In a bold challenge to the decades-old status quo, 129 college presidents have signed a statement calling on elected officials 'to support an informed and dispassionate public debate over the effects of the 21-year-old drinking age.'"

"John McCardell, president emeritus of Middlebury College in Vermont, organized the initiative. Eight presidents helped draft the statement this summer, and the group then invited presidents of all four-year colleges and universities to sign on. He says he'd like to see alternatives considered, such as a license to allow drinking by 18-year-olds who have graduated from high school and have obeyed alcohol laws."

"McCardell acknowledges he can't point to as many studies as MADD does. But the role of a debate is to scrutinize information, he says: 'Anytime somebody tells you that science is entirely on one side of a question, that ought to send up a red flag.' While 15- and 16-year-olds in many European countries with a drinking age of 18 or younger drink more often than their US peers, they have fewer dangerous occasions of intoxication."

I can't say much more than what's in the article already, but I do know that statistics are useless:

"With an average of 4.7 million viewers, the premiere of the second season of 'The Hills' was the most watched program across all of TV for viewers aged 12 to 34 and the highest rated cable telecast of 2008."

People are stupid, and stupid people configure stupid statistics.

A hybrid of both.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

It's a slim chance I'm voting this year, or ever, but if I do then I'll be penciling in her name. Especially since she wrote it, said it all without cue cards, and, in the end, could do no worse.

Red party, blue party. You're such a tool.

I need new friends, part 2.

Make that four openings. Just John and Brooke left now.

Actually, my phone didn't get shut off. I just changed the number and didn't tell any of you.

Assholes.

I need new friends.

There are currently three openings. The original three assholes have been ousted.

Pay: Offer of free dinner for two of the three friends (same as before).

Requirements: Don't all go out to eat and lie about where you were, when I got back with my food to find no one, after I tried to convince all three of you to eat with me for over an hour.

For further assistance, a good example of what is expected: Brooke, since she stopped by and we went to McDonald's.

Nothing to it really. Send me a resumé.

"You choked off the surest of favors."

Sometimes I say I might, which means maybe, which means perhaps, which means possibly, and I mean it. Not yes. Not no. Maybe.

Sometimes I say things, even first, and people pretend they didn't hear it.

Sometimes mistakes are made. Socrates drank himself to death.

Sometimes people get so caught up in their crusade that they eventually forget how many people are actually on their side, and might have even started the battle long before they joined. Sometimes people get so lost in what they're fighting for that they keep fighting even after the matter is resolved, and refuse to acknowledge it.

Sometimes people forget what balance is and that the excess of one extreme is unnatural and unhealthy, not to mention unbecoming.

Sometimes sacrifice outweighs selfishness. That's called character.

Sometimes people expect of others. Don't take what you're already getting for granted.

Sometimes I almost drown in the irony.

Sometimes I drink, smoke, listen to pop and folk, feel like going out instead of staying home, feel like partying at home instead of going to bars, love unconditionally, defend good people no one else does, get pissed when friends backstab, put down friends behind their backs, and come to me about problems they have with friends instead of going to them. Sometimes I don't plan for my future, care about public education, or even care about amounting to shit. Everyone around me has known this for as long as they have been friends with me. Why associate with me if any of it bothers you so much? Why associate with other people that you don't approve of? Don't expect others to change for you. You wouldn't do it for them.

This group will continue to dissolve because everyone is guilty. Compromise. Compassion. Loyalty. Forgiveness. Acceptance, if not the love, of faults. Scratch them off the list if you believe you have all of these when you're with friends. But you'll be lying. "Time destroys everything." Even convictions.

We all have high school diplomas now. I think we can all agree we're past that stage in our lives. Fuck these pissing contests. It's fucking tired.

Coddington in ’08.

I vow to make innovative changes with minimal effort or care. I plan to open up endless possibilities by doing very little, without concern or regard for your well-being. Taking into account the capacity of your feeble minds, allow me to explain my core issues with more detail:


Foreign policy

England: It's been, like, 500 years since we left England, and yet, here we are still living in its shadow. There are an awful lot of English-sounding towns like Oxford, Cambridge, and Manchester in America. Many major cities and states are also prefixed with 'New.' The town names will be renamed, and the cities and states will drop 'New' (i.e. 'New York' becomes 'York'). Furthermore, we will strike back at England and rename their towns with 'New,' thusly resulting in the formation of 'New America.' The common spoken language is also now called 'American.' New America will also be turned into a giant prison for American convicts, kinda like what old England used Australia for in the '50s or some shit.

France: After taking Paris by force using the Trojan Statue of Liberty and a metric fuckton of Navy SEALs, the flag of France will no longer be a blue, white, and red stripe, but simply a white piece of cloth.

Russia: Someone big will kick Putin in the cock, and Russia will eventually be forgotten and fade and die.

All other countries will no longer be drawn on world maps, which are all made in America, of course. Instead, the borders will no longer exist, and in the open space will be written 'undiscovered territory.'


Domestic policy

Considering you are reading this, then you must be mildly interested in electing me as president. And considering you are extremely interested in electing me as president, then you must trust me completely and fully to your capabilities. And by trusting me fully, then you no longer see any reason to have your own freewill or ability to think for yourself. Many 'unnecessary' freedoms will be revoked until further review (never).

Funding for any cure of any means will desist, and all research and advances in health care will be within pain relief. If you can't feel it, it's not there. Pills are good for you. There have been many steps in this direction over the last few decades. No need to back out now.

Education for children is a waste of precious resources. We have many factories that would make them much more useful. A twelve hour day still leaves twelve hours for them to pretend to be happy.

Beer will be served with kids' meals. American children have become weak and fragile. Diamonds are formed under extreme pressure and low temperatures. Not unlike a real man.

The word 'tax' will no longer exist. Instead, 'joyous patriotic gift' will replace it.

Imports will be a thing of the past. We will continue to export though, until the savages in the undiscovered countries no longer buy them with their offerings of oat, painted beads, and bags of rice. Then we will hunt and kill them, rape their women, and give them a holiday celebrating our friendship.

Unemployment and welfare will be demolished. If you can't work, you can't live.

History books are full of lies and very boring. They will be burned and rewritten to include spaceships, cybernetic organisms, and alien whores. The books will also be pop-outs.

Other issues

NASCAR will be a new Olympic sport. The only Olympic sport.

Pickles will no longer be cucumbers. Money will be invested in gene-splicing to create pickle trees.

Moon-shining will not only be legal, but encouraged. And awarded merits for excellence.

The urban dictionary will replace Webster's over-long run. Many words will be forgotten. Eventually even many parts of this list will become illegible, even for those not too dense to understand it now.


I'm not going to sum up the list in the conclusion, or state more reasons why you should vote for me. More than likely, you have already stopped reading because you are completely convinced by my massive intellect and decided to vote for me without needing to even finish. Coddington for President in '08.

Rorschach, my hero.

I decided to go back and reread 'Watchmen' after seeing the new trailer for the movie. I forgot how much I love the main protaganist, Rorschach. To give you an idea of how badass this guy is, here's some of my favorite quotes from him (of which most are taken from his journal):


Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire thread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"...and I'll look down, and whisper "No."

*****

Soon there will be war. Millions will burn. Millions will perish in sickness and misery. Why does one death matter against so many? Because there is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise in this. But there are so many deserving of retribution...and there is so little time.

*****

No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise.

*****

People must be told. Evil must be punished...

*****

Landlady complaining about smell. She has five children by five different fathers. I am sure she cheats on welfare. Soon it will be dark. Beneath me, this awful city, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children. New York. On Friday night, a comedian died in New York. Somebody knows why. Down there...somebody knows. The dusk reeks of fornication and bad consciences. I believe I shall take my exercise.


They had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of good men like my father, or president Truman. Decent men who believed in a day's work for a day's pay. Instead they followed the droppings of lechers and communists and didn't realize that the trail led over a precipe until it was too late. Don't tell me they didn't have a choice. Now the whole world stands on the brink, staring down into bloody Hell, all those liberals and intellectuals and smooth talkers...and all of a sudden nobody can think of anything to say.

*****

Stood in firelight, sweltering. Bloodstain on chest like map of violent new continent. Felt cleansed. Felt dark planet turn under my feet and knew what cats know that makes them scream like babies in night.

Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves, go into oblivion. There is nothing else.

Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It's us. Only us. Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world.

Was Rorschach.

*****

For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise...and step into the shadow now without complaint.

The will to act.

After seeing ‘The Dark Knight’ last night, I had a little discussion and exchange of ideas with Lisa about vigilantism and why, more often than not, people do not do the right thing, or do what needs to be done. She asked me why society does not stand up for itself. I thought about it for a moment and said ‘fear’ was the reason. After thinking about it further today, I realized I needed to reevaluate some things I believed.

I used to believe that if pushed hard enough, every man would have his breaking point, and that every act a person took had a catalyst, a motive that would set him in motion to fix what he had been wronged by. I do not think so anymore. It is just easier to accept than it is to change. Fear is much more powerful of a force than hope. People become too afraid and hope someone else has the courage, the determination, or the will to act.

For years I have revered one of the opening lines to ‘The Boondock Saints’ in which the priest says: “Now, we must all fear evil men, but there is another kind of evil which we must fear most of all, and that is the indifference of good men.” But this no longer makes sense to me. Good men have no indifference. Good men do not just believe in good, and thereby become good themselves. Good men do not accept; they change. They do not fear reprisal or condemnation. Inaction is an evil in itself. So, most men are not good.

We all want to prevent tragedy and sorrow, and to stop war, murder, rape, theft, poverty, disease, political corruption, drug trafficking, animal cruelty, eco-terrorism, and inflation, yet no one stands for it. Believing is not a battle with a resolution, and fear gets the best of everyone. That is, if there is a best of us at all. Words have never changed the world, but actions have.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." -Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

We want revolution. We want a change in the tide, and those responsible to be held accountable. Ignoring our own guilt, we hope that this dream will come soon. But I believe the more likely outcome will be that we will turn on each other first. Instead of standing up and taking responsibility, we will lose our morals and ardentness. Instead of demanding restitution and restoration, we will rob and steal from ourselves, and even while we do this, in our desperation and rage we will still blame everyone but ourselves. No one is going to save us. I hope I am wrong, but fear has the best of me.

“When the chips are down, this city will eat itself.” –The Joker

Start filling jugs of water, dipshits.

"The town of Losantville is without fire protection after the West Union volunteer fire chief and most of the town's firefighters resigned Monday night. Chief David Fisher walked out of a town board meeting, upset that the board expected him to request in writing five days before the monthly meeting any issue that he wanted to discuss. After the meeting, most of the other volunteer firefighters also turned in their radio equipment to the fire station."

Props to these badasses. Firefighters don't ever get the respect that they deserve. People always talk about cops putting their lives on the line, and firefighters rarely get mentioned. Fuck that. I, for one, find this story fucking hilarious. Firemen are always there to help. There's no crooked firefighters, like cops. So fuck Losantville. You bastards can put your own fires out now. Tough shit.

All my dreams died in Lewisburg last night.

Humid weather and cold wind. Then rain and rolling lightning. Just needed a few beers and I was ready for the tornado. But…nothing. After the storm rocked the shit outta Cambridge, New Castle, and Knightstown, and half-assed its way through Richmond I set out to chase the fucker down. Hoping it'd get stronger after it left the Richmond valley. I caught back up to it in Eaton, hail and all, and was right back in it by Greenville, but by the time I hit Lewisburg it was falling apart. So was I.

Then Bear called on my way back and said a second storm was coming, so I double-timed it back to Richmond, and waited for the sky to tear open at Chuck's. Fucked again. On the other hand, I learned what speed my truck tops out at…and what my career should be. While cloudscapes are badass, I'd much rather have a tornado at night, with a thousand flashlights, and then toss them into it.

Edit: Apparently the reports of a tornado touching down in New Castle and Cambridge were unconfirmed. There was only one confirmed report of a tornado, and that was in Lewisburg...10 minutes before I got there. Nice.

Why I'm so damn smart.

I learned to drive from Need for Speed III, I learned about politics from Final Fantasy Tactics, military imperialism from Shingen the Ruler, the medical industry from Dr. Mario, business from Lemonade Stand, teamwork from Rainbow Six, how to survive from Resident Evil, and how simple life really can be from The Sims.

Mortal Kombat and Tekken 3 taught me how to fight, Doom and Halo taught me how to shoot, Morrowind taught me reading is fun (and helpful), Uplink taught me patience, and Jet Moto 2 taught me speed. Final Fantasy VII taught me sacrifice, Track & Field II taught me exercise, Total War taught me problem solving, Tomb Raider taught me feminism, Parasite Eve taught me biology, Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball taught me anatomy (haha), and World of Warcraft taught me about addiction.

You claim to have so many better memories than me, saying I spent too much time inside playing video games while you were outside. I think it's the opposite. I was testing my reflexes, hand-eye coordination, and problem solving and reading capabilities. You were playing tag. After its release, I played Final Fantasy VIII fifteen hours straight Levi Coffin weekend. I played World of Warcraft thirty-six hours straight, with Kevin and then Tyler joining in, resulting in me calling into work and Kevin quitting his job.

I remember using spread guns in Super C, solving puzzles in D, killer cows in Diablo 2, building race tracks in Excitebike, saving people from aliens in Defender 2, writing history in Call of Duty, rewriting history in God of War, and helping the Aztecs dominate rival countries in Rise of Nations. You remember staring at clouds and chasing butterflies.

The day kids stop playing video games and go outside is a day to pray for our survival as the dominant creature in the food chain. I learned new words, mathematics, history, science, culture, politics, religion, psychology, and economics through video games, and I had a blast doing it.

Baseball is still baseball. Riding a bike feels the same as it did ten years ago. The sun never changes. The grass is always green and the snow is always white. All four seasons come and go the same time of year every year. But new video games are released every Tuesday. I win.

"Hell is other people."

Stop using religion as a crutch. In fact, stop talking about it completely. At least around me. You're not going to convert me. You've failed. Give up. Heaven does not have lakes full of crystals, or whatever the fuck you said. There's no ivory/pearl gates and no streets of gold. If heaven does exist, it's not a physical place, you fucking dipshit. And hell doesn't have the heat way up all of the time. Satan does not pay gas bills. The next time some hypocritical, holier-than-thou-art bullshit spews from your mouth, I'm going to shove it back down your throat with my fist. Drinking, cussing, and enjoying violent movies are not sins. But using God's name in vain, wanting to cheat on your fiancé, and lying all are. And not having remorse for those ensures you have a seat in hell, motherfucker. You are not hot shit. You are not an actor. You do not have friends. You will not amount to anything. You are fucking retarded.

Stop using everyone around you. You want to make yourself happy and get on your feet? Do it yourself. Better yet, stop saying you're going to do something and just fucking do it. Enjoy the moment, and stop the excessive bitching. You had a rough day? Boohoo. I don't give a fuck. I'm tired of pretending to. The truth is you're talking to a wall. You don't want/need my advice. And I don't want to hear your story. So go find a tree to talk to. Isn't it about time for you to grow up? You say you're confused, unsure, and trying to find your way. But actually you're just lazy and let others do the work for you. Stop fucking people over.

Stop pushing people around you away. Alienating your family and wondering why they no longer come around is a little puzzle you've made that doesn't have any pieces. You're fucked in the head. Everyone sees it. Stop blaming medicine, stress, and money. You still have your memory. You just play it off like you don't, and choose to remember what you want. You are not Sammy Jankis. You are not Mother Teresa. You're just slipping into senility. By choice.

Just stop. Stop all of it. I am not like you motherfuckers. I never will be. Just leave it alone. I am not your knight in shining armor. I am not your savior or your golden child. I don't care if you're proud or disappointed. I don't care about how your day went, the bills you need to pay, your (bullshit) plans for the future, how you feel about love this week, which ugly bitch you'd fuck if you weren't getting married, or what God would think about all of this. I don't give a fuck. I don't say much when you talk to me, not because I'm listening, but because I'm trying to figure out a way to murder you and get away with it. So stop talking and fuck off. All three of you are full of shit and I see right through it.


"Hell is other people." -Jean-Paul Sartre (No Exit)

Tuesday zombie movie marathon.

So after work I decided I’d finally go buy ’Black Sheep’. As you can tell by the cover, it’s about zombie sheep in New Zealand. Sounds badass. I figured Hasting’s would have it. But the fuckers didn’t. So I picked up two other zombie movies I hadn’t seen yet instead, and turned my night into a zombie movie marathon. Here’s how it turned out:

1st Movie…

Resident Evil: Extinction

I was hoping for the best with this one. The first was kickass, and though Apocalypse was somewhat disappointing (especially Nemesis), the trailers looked pretty fucking good. I got about the same enjoyment out of it as the second. Nothing spectacular, nothing horrible. It threw in a lot of cool shit, like: zombie birds, a pryo scene that made me think of the Phoenix, and a slight overall feel that reminded me of ’Day of the Dead.’ But I’m tired of this clone kick that everyone in Hollywood seems to be on. It’s fucking tired. And how in the fuck was that mutated scientist supposed to be cool, let alone the main ’boss’ fight at the end? That shit was as fucking pathetic as it gets. Also, why the hell did all 30 people in the band of survivors get out at every stop they made? Oh, so they could kill off everyone from the previous movies and leave an open ending for the next installment which will apparently only have one person in the cast: Alice, one million times over. Good action, good effects, shitty dialog, and piece of shit plot. 3 severed zombie heads (out of 5).

2nd Movie…

Automaton Transfusion

I knew what I was getting into with this one. A low budget and the whole movie filmed in 9 days. I was expecting zero plot, poor acting, but lots of blood and some precision chainsaw-to-the-face combos. It started off like I expected, with a bunch of pansy high school kids like you see in all the clichéd teen flicks. But I knew this was gonna be good about thirty minutes in when a zombie punched through a chick’s stomach, pulled out a fetus, and ate it. Wow. Despite the serious need of more testosterone in these whiny bitches (especially the men), this movie had it all: shotguns, chainsaws, baseball bats, and even brass knuckles. Then the whole movie went to shit in the last 20 minutes with a fucking moronic ending (military-created zombies after Vietnam) and a huge "To be continued…" before the credits rolled. Fucking lame. 2 severed zombie heads (out of 5).

3rd Movie…

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Ok, so after those two (somewhat) shitty zombie movies, I put in one that was already my own that I just couldn’t go wrong with. One of the only good remakes, ever. You can’t go wrong with the same director as ’300’ (and the upcoming ’Watchmen’); same music composer as ’300’, Rob Zombie’s ’Halloween’, and ’Doomsday’; Ving Rhames, and a guy perched on a rooftop sniping celebrity look-a-likes. This movie just kicks fucking ass all around. Romero started this zombie shit. There’s no denying it. But in my mind, this is probably the best it will get. I really don’t need to say more. If you haven’t seen it, you’re fucking bait. And you’re not ready. Because they’re coming. 5 severed zombie heads (out of 5).


"When there’s no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the earth."

Fuck hard liquor.

I'm done with it. All of it. No more fucking hard liquor for me. This morning about an hour before work I crawled into the bathroom and threw up half a fifth of vodka and Bloody Mary mix, and a few beers. To help paint this beautiful picture much more eloquently for you, some even came out of my fucking nose. I couldn't even tell if some of it was blood or not. So then I cleaned myself up, took a shower, took eight aspirin, and went to work like a fucking soldier.

After holding the rest down and putting up with the bright fluorescent lights and that motherfucker's annoying motherfucking stories and bullshit, I came to the conclusion that I seriously need to fucking stop. No more waking up and forgetting where my truck is. No more throwing up or hangovers. No more drunk dials. No more cleaning up my puke or being carried out of bars. No more fucking road signs. No more Everclear, Jaeger, vodka, scotch, whiskey, absinthe, tequila, and yes, no more rum or 151. I'm out. I'm done. Fuck hard liquor.

But I'm still down for a round of beers. There's no way I'd stop that shit a week before St. Patty's. I'm taking shit easy now. So be prepared.