red words

9 more movies in '09 you're too lazy to watch.

2009-08-22T00:04:00.004-04:00

If you haven't read part one, go here, dummy. Despite there being some good, big budget shit at the box office this year (Star Trek), a lot of amazing shit is getting snubbed, because America is lazy. Even great, big budget movies like Watchmen are getting the cold shoulder. Why? Because you'd rather see G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra or some shit. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for popcorn flicks. But you have to have a little variety. I don't understand why girls don't understand that. Anyway, I forgot half of these listed when I made the last list, so I figured I'd make another.

Addendum: In part one, when mentioning all of the remakes and sequels this year, I left out The Last House on the Left, Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs, The Pink Panther 2, Ace Ventura Jr. Pet Detective, and Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, just for reference. Hollywood's inspiration has officially run as dry as Martha Stewart's snatch. I'm not against remakes or sequels (some made my list), but it's getting ridiculous. So, get off your ass and rent some good movies for a change. Stop supporting shit like Madea Goes to Jail, G-Force, and The Ugly Truth. Once again, best to not-so-best:

1. District 9

2. Eden Log

3. Hush

4. Adventureland

5. S. Darko

6. Still Waiting...

7. Donkey Punch

8. The Unborn

9. Laid to Rest

I am a fucked-up-chick magnet.

2009-08-03T19:02:00.003-04:00

I wonder what it is that makes me attractive or seemingly interesting to fucked-up chicks with mental issues, fucked-up tattoos by user ex-boyfriends, and fucking batshit insane families with just as many problems. I would like to think that maybe their families are unstable and unbalanced because of their fucked-up daughters, but I have a feeling that it's practically genetic and goes all the way back through the lineage. Seriously, why does every girl that finds me attractive seem to have a broken fucking home? Or demented, society-rejected best friends? Or two or three jealous, psycho ex-boyfriends? Or, hell, girlfriends for that matter?

I went to the gas station late last night, the same one I always go to. More for convenience's sake than anything else. There's a decent looking girl that works there, but definitely nothing special. Somewhat white trash, too, which is a love/hate thing for me, much in the same sense as Fricker's. But I had no idea. She occasionally flirts, and anyone who knows me knows that I show so much interest when people try striking up conversations. So, with that in mind, we all know how white trash love it when you ignore them.

But it never fails that she always wants to talk. The other week I overheard her bitching to the other clerk about her boyfriend dumping her. So I tried to avoid her line, but the guy closed his on my way up there. Shit. I got up to the counter and she just stared, with a couple of tears running down her cheek. Aww, your boyfriend left your clingy, whiny ass behind? How sad. Stop crying, take my fucking money, and let me take my half-gallon of Monster and get the fuck out of here already. Do you and me a favor, stop sobbing hysterically, buy a hatchet, and go kill your new ex.

Anyway, last night I went in, got a salad and a Sobe Lifewater, which is basically sugar and water. I get up to the counter and she says, "Hey, babe. You know you can get another packet of salad dressing for free?" "Oh, yay," with all of the enthusiam I could muster. Then I made my first mistake, when I asked how she was. "Not good..." Fuck, now I have to ask why. "My house got broken into last night, while I was asleep." Instead of asking if she was alright, I said, "Did they take anything?" "$150 out of my purse." "Wow, crazy. You should get a gun," I said somewhat jokingly. "I would if I could, but I'm not allowed to." Oh, fuck, I knew it. What kind of fucked-up chick am I talking to and didn't realize? "I got a felony that comes off in 2011. Still on house arrest, but I get a work release."

Why does this always happen to me? Apparently I'm a fucked-up-chick magnet. Just something else I'm good at, I suppose.

When I got off work today, I had a plan. I bought a 12-pack of Corona with every intention of drinking them all tonight. That's when it hit me. I know what they see in me: their drunken step-dads right before they beat them. They just can't get enough.

9 movies in '09 you're too lazy to watch.

2009-08-01T16:28:00.001-04:00

With a metric fuckton of movies out this year, like The Hangover, Star Trek, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Terminator Salvation, Halloween 2, Friday the 13th, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, My Bloody Valentine 3-D, Land of the Lost, The Taking of Pelham 123, Final Destination 4, Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and Fast & Furious, there's a lot of badass films getting missed by you lazy bastards. Your loss. Funny thing about that, too: only one of those movies (The Hangover) isn't a remake or a sequel. That's completely fucking sad. Here's nine movies so far this year that you've obviously missed, most being far better than some of the shit that's breaking records at the box office. So get off your lazy ass and watch some movies that Hollywood didn't have the pleasure of splooging their saturated, tainted, uncreative juices all over. Best to not-so-best:

1. Martyrs

2. Surveillance

3. Outlander

4. Dead Snow

5. All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

6. Deadgirl

7. The Uninvited

8. Night Train

9. The Girlfriend Experience

Some of these movies were made before 2009, but didn't officially get released until this year. Also keep in mind that trailers sometimes suck. For instance, Mandy Lane is not the typical slasher film that it looks like, and the ending has bigger balls than most movies do, post-Columbine that is. Oh, and yes, I know The Uninvited is an American remake of the Korean film Janghwa, Hongryeon. This is me not giving a fuck. Why? Because the original, aside from the superior acting, was fucking terrible. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's the worst Korean movie I've seen, which is around twenty or so now. So strike that up with Zach Snyder's Dawn of the Dead and Rob Zombie's Halloween as one of the only good remakes. Oh, and once I see the indie movie called Moon, I'm sure it'll be right there on top. But it didn't get a wide release, mainly because of shallow-minded fucks like you who'd rather see shit like Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Twilight, and Dance Flick.

How to make a Ryan Coddington.

2009-07-27T23:19:00.003-04:00

I saw what appeared to be a homeless man on my steps today when I got home from lunch. There was a moped sitting in front of him. He was wearing a ratty-ass t-shirt and two completely different shoes, and drinking what looked like piss from a Gatorade bottle. "Fuck," I thought. "This bastard wants money." So I said, "What's up, man?" And he replied, "Wrecked my moped. Had to sit down." I stopped for a second, then said, "That's cool, man," and then went inside and ate a couple of tasty burritos and went back to work. True story.

Mayhem ensues, continues...

2009-07-27T18:35:00.002-04:00

Well, videos from Mayhem Fest in Noblesville Saturday night are being posted. About damn time. Here's some highlights from the awesome shit I saw.

I told you there were four walls of death. One being a "closet of death" even.

Unfortunately, the dick apparently didn't record any of Trivium, so here's a shitty vid in San Bernardino, CA from a pussy too afraid to truly enjoy the fucking metal. His pussy must have been hurting.

5 things I learned at Mayhem Fest last night.

2009-07-26T18:20:00.004-04:00

I went to Mayhem Festival yesterday, for $10. Top that shit. It's rare that concerts are this heavy, or this evil. How heavy and how evil was it? Slayer, Marilyn Manson, Killswitch Engage, Cannibal Corpse, Trivium, Bullet for My Valentine, Job for a Cowboy, God Forbid, Behemoth, All That Remains, The Black Dahlia Murder, White Chapel, and Mushroomhead left Indy with a new asshole. I learned a few things there, too:

1. All That Remains and God Forbid were better than I expected.

2. Killswitch has vastly improved. And Adam Dutkiewicz is the coolest motherfucker around. "Hey, Indiana...fucking suck on this." They even got people to do illegal walls of death. I counted four. Yeah.

3. Manson is overrated live. Definitely not headlining material.

4. After seeing Trivium for the fourth time, more and more I see that they're still incredibly underrated and I'd be hard pressed to name a band with more talent.

And the best thing I learned last night:

5. 25,000 people were not ready for real heavy fucking metal. Slayer came on, men cowered, women wept, children pissed themselves, and Tom Araya and Kerry King gave nightmares to everyone. Thrash is a dying breed, but Slayer's here to fucking stay. This isn't Bullet for My Valentine, kids. This is fucking Slayer. Those two fingers you raise in the air, they're called "devil horns" for a reason. And that reason doesn't apply to Hinder or Breaking Benjamin or Buckcherry. Metalhead posers stood around confused and scared when they got their shit ruined by real metal last night. Aside from watching Trivium right in front, this was the only time "Mayhem" truly felt like mayhem. Okay, I take that back. Behemoth was fucking brutal, too. Concerts aren't this hardcore anymore, because people are fucking pussies and just go home crying.

Oh, and I also learned that 30 or 40 heavy metal fans going to Denny's after seeing Slayer and Marilyn Manson, and getting fucking terrible service (or none at all), does not turn out very pretty. Stupid bitch...

The machinist complete.

2009-07-22T20:11:00.005-04:00

Here I've compiled all of the quotes I've remembered or written down of Slu, the die and tool maker I work with. I've posted three parts before, with new ones each time, but unfortunately the guy only comes in about once every two weeks, for a couple of hours, and I no longer get to hear much cool shit from this man anymore. So, since these lists are getting shorter each time, I've put together every single one I have, with a few new ones from today at the very bottom. Think of it as Slu's greatest hits. The old man is everything I want to be: hardened, bitter, intelligent, and he says whatever the hell he wants to whoever. He's foul-mouthed, hard-working, and as polite as he can be, I often wonder how many people he's killed and dumped into a lake at night. I have no heroes. But if I did, it'd be Slu. The text in red is me speaking to him. The rest is his legend:

Well, I'm heading to the house. If my dinner's not ready, I'm gonna raise hell. If it is ready, I'm not gonna eat.

I have a lot of tools at my workbench, but I've never seen one quite like you.

He's the kind of guy that'd jerk his dog off to feed his cat.

I call my wife Troll. She loves it. (Even has her name in his cell as 'Troll')

I hope your sons didn't get their brains from you. You're a fucking idiot.

You're getting married? Dumbass. I didn't even know people still did that. I guess kids today are just as stupid as they've always been.

I used to drink a 40 in the parking lot everyday on my lunch break. So one day a guy I work with, who was also a preacher, came up to me and said I shouldn't do that. That if I came to his church on Sunday, he could save me. So I asked him if he could save anyone. "Yes, anyone." Can you save a murderer? "Yes." Can you save a rapist? "Yes." Can you save a whore? "Yes, I can save a whore." Then can you save me a whore Friday night? That dickhead didn't talk to me on lunch anymore.

Wherever you find four Baptists, you'll find a fifth.

I'm going home to a hot woman and a cold beer. And it better not be the other way around.

She quit? I don't blame her. Fuck this place. I'd quit, too, if I didn't hate everything else even more.

Three illegitimate kids. I don't understand it. You kids can't just fuck for fun anymore?

Look at her dressed all in white, as if she was still a virgin. Probably hasn't been a virgin since the sixth grade.

When God made woman, He sure wasted one of man's damn ribs.

'M-F-er'? Is that like 'motherfucker'?

What a dick. / He's a dick. / Ain't he a dickhead? / You ever met a dick like that?

Cheap bastard. / Cheap prick. / That son of a bitch is cheap. / Here's a nickel. I know how cheap you are, prick.

Well, I'm heading to the house. Got me some ham salad I made last night for sandwiches. With the old lady sick, I've had to fend for myself. It's kinda nice though, having something different than a hot tongue and a cold shoulder.

I talked to your old buddy yesterday. I guess he got back with his old lady. And I guess he dropped a package off for delivery.
"Really? I heard she couldn't get pregnant."
Maybe it wasn't actually him. Looks like she found someone to stud her out. I'd get the bitch tested.

It's not pretty, but we ain't entering no fucking beauty pageant. Not that any of them here even know what that is anyway.

Don't marry for money, but hang around rich women ‘til you fall in love.

Driving that nice a'car to work at his age is damn ridiculous. It's just like pissing in the ocean.

Here, Don. I made an extra plate for you to take home. I know you're cheap and can't afford to dip into that thick wallet to buy yourself dinner.

Don't thank me. I couldn't give a shit today, or tomorrow.

The only time I ever paid for sex was back in my early 30's, I think. I was in D.C. for work, with my friend, and he said, "While we're in Washington, let's get a couple whores." So he got his, I got mine, and back at my hotel room she was sucking me off, and halfway though she looked up at me and said she'd have sex with me too if I wanted. I looked down at her and said, "I'm not paying you for sex. I'm paying you to suck my dick." And I pushed her head back down.

That ain't skill. That's shithouse luck.

Look at that shirt. Boy, you're sharper than a needle-dick hound.

Back when I was a teenager, and I had just got my license, I asked my dad if I could borrow his car. You see, I had a date that night with this broad that got around a bit. I don't know what you kids call 'em these days, but...
"I guess we call them hoodrats."
What? Whatever. Anyway, this was back when segregation was still around, so in the movie theater they had a balcony where the blacks sat. Well, I didn't really want anyone seeing me with her, so we sat up there. While the movie was playing, I was fingering that pussy. Not more than a couple minutes into it, the most vile, awful smell came up. I'm telling you, kid, fucking rank. Well, it was so bad that all the people around us on the balcony cleared out. I could hear them choking on the way out. After the movie was over, I didn't know what I was gonna do. I mean, that smell almost gagged me, but I was planning on fucking something that night.
"God, let me guess..."
I took her to the park, wrapped it twice, and fucked the hell outta her. I took her home, and she asked me if I was gonna call her tomorrow. I said, "Fuck no," and tore outta there. Halfway home I pulled the car over and puked. Twice. The next morning my old mad came pounding on my door and asked me, "Why the fuck does my car smell like someone fucking died?" I told him that was my date. He never let me drive that car again.

You were broadcasting when you should have been tuning in.

That motherfucker just insulted me!
"What do you mean?"
He said, "Well, I'll let you get back to work and get out of your hair." Do you see any fucking hair on my head? That motherfucker...

Those two butt heads like billy goats.
"Yeah, they don't seem to get along too well."
Take you and me for instance. Now, I may not like you, but we both work for this company. So when we're here, I pretend to like you.
"Thanks, Slu."

He's like a bear cub wearing boxing gloves and playing with his peter.

How's the world treatin' ya?
"Fine. How 'bout you?"
It's not the world. It's the people, kid. It's the people.

Your mouth was in gear and your brain was in idle.

Did I ever tell you about the old, ugly woman I saw at the eye doctor?
"No, I don't think so."
Well, one time when I was at the eye doctor, I saw the ugliest bitch I've ever seen. I'm talking so ugly that a blind man wouldn't marry the bitch. Well, a couple of months go by and I'm taking this tour through a farm, and then I see her walking with a group of people. So I went up to her and I asked, "Were you at the eye doctor about two months ago?"
And she said, "Yes, how did you know that?"
I said, "Well, ma'am, I trained with the CIA for over eleven years, and I always remember faces."
She said, "That's amazing. You have a wonderful memory."
The truth is...no one could forget such an ugly fucking goat face.

I took that blade in there to ol' Don and he asked me, "How much do I owe you?" I thought about saying, "five bucks." He'da swallowed his Adam's apple.

See that guy there? Him and his wife own a store, and on the front window they got a sign that says "Jesus saves" or some shit like that. And he's down here at this bar getting drunk every fucking night.

"You want me to go ahead and load it up for you?"
Nah, I already got enough on my plate as it is. On my way home. Just called the wife twenty minutes ago. Told her to get on the ball and get that soup hot.

One year for Christmas I bought my old lady a gravesite. The next year for her birthday I bought her a tombstone. But I'll tell you one thing, she ain't getting anything else 'cause she hasn't even used those yet.

You need money for a haircut, boy? Or you joining a rock band? Because you really only have those two options at this point.
"Yeah, I'll be sure to work on one of those, Slu."

Saw your friend, James, the other day...
"Why do you always call him my friend?"
He asked me if I heard that he was gonna be a father. Know what I told him? I said, "Well, James, I heard your wife was pregnant, but I didn't hear you were gonna be a father."
"Haha. I still say he needs to get that bitch tested."

"You need a haircut, Ryan. You're starting to look like a woman."
Don, you need to lose sixty pounds. You're starting to look like a beached whale.
"Wow. Thanks, Slu."

10 reasons to just shut the fuck up.

2009-07-09T22:53:00.014-04:00

Fucking. Seriously. I am so damn sick of hearing people bitch. Whether it's about boyfriends, girlfriends, shitty friends, the government, the economy, foreign policy, the war, your job, your boss, your bills, taxes, speeding tickets, parking tickets, seatbelt tickets, poverty, the rich, school, the neighbors, the neighbors' dog that shits in your yard and barks at night, chores, gas prices, inflation, ignorance, intelligence, abortion, welfare, unemployment, your husband's goat-play fetish, the ruffie you were slipped last week which subsequent in DP and gang-rape by your male co-workers, or the fact that you're homeless after losing your job and your wife on the same day which just so happened to be your birthday and now you expect the whole world to change just to suit your selfish, little, hopeless aspirations that no longer matter to anyone but your lonesome, pitiful self. Have I left anything out? Of course I have. Here's ten more reasons you need to just shut the fuck up, and yes, I see the irony in all of this. Which brings me to number one.

1. Pointing out the obvious to someone who is intentionally saying the shit that they're saying to make an ironic point. Did that go over your head? Big fucking surprise. That could only mean one thing: number two.

2. Either you sell shoes at Footlocker, stock shelves at Kroger, seat obese white trash at Applebee's, or run the cash register at Dillard's. Now, while all of these are prime examples of being very important, completely essential cogs in the big machine, none of it qualifies you to open your mouth about anything of any relevance to...well, fucking anything. You are not capable of calculating simple math equations without the use of a solar-powered, $2 piece of shit machinery from Big Lots. So what the fuck makes you think you understand anything at all about the economy, inflation, or even the total of your five pounder happy meal from McDonald's, you fat, stupid fuck? McDonald's, point three.

3. Why don't the seventeen-year-olds working the drive-thru say "thank you" or "have a nice day" anymore? What happened to service? What happened to respect for customers? Why don't you cry yourself to sleep, eternal sleep, after taking a bottle of downers and slitting your wrists vertically? Those selfish, apathetic kids serving your fat-fucking-ass three double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a gallon of Diet Coke don't give a fuck because minimum wage doesn't pay them to give a fuck, because their boss doesn't give a fuck, because you don't give a fuck, and because capitalist America doesn't give a fuck. So stop pretending to give a fuck, because at the end of the day, you didn't pay $5 so someone would tell you "thank you." You paid just over the cost of one gallon of gas for a whole meal, which your greasy, sausage fingers are shoveling into your big, happy mouth. Right? Number four.

4. Obesity. Stop bitching about the heat. You're fat. It's your fault. The summer is hot. The winter is not. Get used to it or move. Five.

5. Stop whining and moaning and crying and shouting about shit you did wrong. This one is much more literal and lax. Sometimes it may appear more clear, like if you wake up in a puddle of vomit and piss after a hard night of drinking, that's your fault. No issue there. No one else to blame. Not even the ruffie-slipping male co-workers. But I'm even talking about parents who bitch about their kids. You raised them. It's your fault. I don't care if they killed grandma for the inheritance. You should have beat them more. Fuck you and your spoiled, bastard kids. Fuck you Six ways to Sunday.

6. Rednecks and white trash bitch more than anyone else in America. You're poor. I know already. Guess what, motherfuckers? No one cares. Stop fucking for tax breaks, get off of welfare, and get a motherfucking job. White trash need rounded up and put into cages. Kind of like a zoo, but you wouldn't ever pay admission, and you wouldn't ever go in. And employees wouldn't feed them. And by "white trash," I mean everyone. For instance, people who pay by check and don't have it filled out by the time they reach the register, people who buy lottery tickets and scratch them off at the counter while there's a fucking line behind them, people who spend their last five on cigarettes instead of food, people who bitch about gas prices to gas station attendants, people who spend all of their money on weed and can't figure out why they can't afford their child support, people who think KFC is the shit, people who think Fazoli's is "real Italian," and people who wear fucking crocs, just to name a few. Seven.

7. Socialism. You don't understand it. You never will. Publicized health care? Don't even try to wrap your right-winged, Rush Limbaugh-brainwashed, Bill O'Reilly-loving mind around it. You're still stuck in the 1950's, blacklisting all of the pinko commies trying to do whatever it is that evil commies do, and you're so scared of "red" (ironic) working men. You wouldn't want free health care for your children? For your grandchildren? Fuck you and your selfish, small fucking brain. Unions? The United States Postal Service? American public education? Yeah, we're definitely not socialistic. This goes for anarchy as well. Eight.

8. You're right-wing? Fuck you. You're left-wing? Fuck you. You're green party? Fuck you. Fuck every last one of you ignorant, puppet tools. Please shut the fuck up. And nine.

9. Violence and sex. What the fuck is the deal? We fuck to survive. I'm not sure if anyone's picked up on that yet. I know, it's all a bit complicated, but I assure you, it's true. One man and one woman fuck, have a child, and the the cycle repeats. I think they even teach this complicated subject in junior high health class, basically just to make sure that fucking morons like us grasp the idea of repopulating. Adam and Eve weren't ashamed of being naked. They just grew older and became conservative republicans. Seeing a naked body on a movie screen is not going to scar you for life. Not knowing shit about sex until you're eighteen will. Stop fucking up your children. And violence? Jesus fucking Christ. This nation was founded on bloodshed. Read up on some history, grow some fucking balls, and shut the fuck up. Finally ten.

10. You're middle class. Not lower class. Stop bitching and just shut the fuck up. Remember the Great Depression? No, you don't. Shut the fuck up.

There you go. Ten reasons laced in thick fucking irony. I hope I singled out everyone in some way. So shut the fuck up already. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

*Oh, and a side note to the four thick-headed fucks I saw eating at Wings and Rings tonight: if you plan to order, take the menus when the waitress offers, and don't make her read through the menu herself to your inbred, white trash, shit-eating faces five seconds after she asks. You don't need to eat. You need to kill yourselves.

The machinist, part 3.

2009-06-21T23:28:00.002-04:00

Here's the third part in the continuing adventures of me and the machinist. You can find the first part here and the second part here. By the time I'm done with these, I might just have to write a book about the man. The legend will never measure up to the man though. It's too bad none of you get to experience the pleasure of working with this great, spiteful bastard.

You were broadcasting when you should have been tuning in.

That motherfucker just insulted me!
"What do you mean?"
He said, "Well, I'll let you get back to work and get out of your hair." Do you see any fucking hair on my head? That motherfucker...

"Yeah, they don't seem to get along too well."
Take you and me for instance. Now, I may not like you, but we both work for this company. So when we're here, I pretend to like you.
"Thanks."

He's like a bear cub wearing boxing gloves and playing with his peter.

How's the world treatin' ya?
"Fine. How about you?"
It's not the world. It's the people, kid. It's the people.

Your mouth was in gear and your brain was in idle.

Did I ever tell you about the old, ugly woman I saw at the eye doctor?
"No, I don't think so."
Well, one time when I was at the eye doctor, I saw the ugliest bitch I've ever seen. I'm talking so ugly that a blind man wouldn't marry the bitch. Well, a couple of months go by and I'm taking this tour through a farm, and then I see her walking with a group of people. So I went up to her and I asked, "Were you at the eye doctor about two months ago?"
And she said, "Yes, how did you know that?"
I said, "Well, ma'am, I trained with the CIA for over eleven years, and I always remember faces."
She said, "That's amazing. You have a wonderful memory."
The truth is...no one could forget such an ugly fucking goat face.

Part four is inevitable. To be continued, I'm sure.

Not a single shred of faith left in man.

2009-06-21T00:27:00.003-04:00

"The federal government has spent nearly half a million dollars to fund a study to find out why some men would prefer not to wear condoms during sex. The National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, a branch of the National Institutes of Health, has awarded a $423,500 grant to researchers at The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction."

"The Bloomington, Indiana, based research team will use the funding to study 'barriers to correct condom use,' according to a release from the institute. 'This project aims to advance our understanding of, among other factors, the role of cognitive and affective processes and condom application skills in explaining problems with condom use in young, heterosexual adult men,' reads an excerpt of the study, which will be funded through May 2011."

Darwin was a dumbass. We're still stupid, fucking monkeys that aren't fit for survival.

English major.

2009-06-18T01:01:00.002-04:00

Dark Eyes, cigars, and talking about everything from utopia to NASA to rap. That's what it's all about. And in other news, I'm going to get an English Major and become a "poetry-repairman."

Motherfucker.

8 little indie flicks.

2009-06-10T22:40:00.004-04:00

No, reviews here. Just a list of eight indie films I've watched recently. Some are a few years old. Just trying to catch up on shit I haven't seen. The list has no real order, except the first one would have to be the best of all of them. Check some of these out:

1. Wristcutters: A Love Story (2006)

2. The Chumscrubber (2005)

3. La science des rêves / The Science of Sleep (2006)

4. The Go-Getter (2007)

5. The United States of Leland (2003)

6. The Girlfriend Experience (2009)

7. S. Darko (2009)

8. Dark Corners (2006)

Wave Goodbye: The end of NIN.

2009-05-31T17:36:00.007-04:00

On the Wave Goodbye (or NIN/JA) Tour, the night started with us walking in and seeing some guy about my age, in glasses and holding a Bible, "preaching" to everyone going in. The only thing I clearly remember him saying was, "Jesus Christ was the first person to ever say the word 'hellfire.'" I'm not really sure what the context was, but my first thought was, "That's not something to be proud of." Then I thought maybe the kid just needs to see a good rock show and fuck some drunk chick in the crowd, and then maybe he wouldn't be wound so tight.

I think there might have actually been more people at Trent Reznor's farewell tour last night than Ozzfest, Mayday, X-Fest, or Family Values. If it wasn't sold out, it was damn near close to it. Well, the lines were so damn long that Chris, Kevin, Lisa, and I missed the whole Street Sweeper Social Club set, finding a spot only about five minutes before Nine Inch Nails came on. It sucks even more too, because when I got home, I found a video on YouTube of the crowd singing Happy Birthday to Tom Morello, which apparently happened while we were waiting in line. Fuck.

Anyway, I've seen Nine Inch Nails once before, back on the With Teeth Tour in May 2005, exactly four years ago now. I guess the Noblesville show, the second to last show on the American tour, inspired something of a bit of envy among the rest of the NIN fans since the setlist had a few gems not played anywhere on the rest of the tour. I'm not sure why that was, but maybe it has something to with the Noblesville venue being one of the largest on everyone's tours, twenty-five thousand making a full house. In case you're curious, here's the setlist from last night, not including the instrumental Ghosts tracks. Home was the perfect song to open with, with an extended guitar beginning:

Home
1,000,000
Discipline
March of the Pigs
Piggy (Nothing Can Stop Me Now)
Metal
Meet Your Master
Head Down
I Do Not Want This
Gave Up
The Fragile
The Downward Spiral
Wish
Survivalism
Mr Self Destruct
Physical (You're So)
The Good Soldier
The Hand That Feeds
Head Like a Hole
Hurt

Almost all of this was during the super-cell thunderstorms that tore through Indy. I read that one newcaster even stated that: "Trent Reznor just scared away a tornado." I didn't even have to go stormchasing last night. It came right to us. We could see the dark clouds rolling in during Gave Up, and started sprinkling a little during The Fragile, and right as The Downward Spiral started, it became a downpour, which was as I was attempting to film the song with my phone. I watched it today, and it doesn't sound too bad, until about halfway through, where the sound almost completely disappears. So I think the rain fucked up my microphone. Oh well.

Then the rain slowed back down and lightning flashed across the sky in all four directions during Wish, Survivalism, and Mr Self Destruct. It was nothing short of amazing, only making the show that much better. I guess the preacher-boy was wrong, because it looked like even God enjoyed last night's show. I even enjoyed watching the hippie chick in front of us dance to every song the exact same way: just like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

The last time I saw NIN was just after With Teeth, so I never got to see any of Year Zero live. Getting to hear Meet Your Master and The Good Soldier live were definitely the highlights, with Hurt definitely among them. I just can't stop reliving how completely badass the show was last night. The more I think about it, the more I realize this was probably the best show I've been to, and I've been to a lot. I'm actually glad he didn't play Closer too, being a crowd favorite, and the fact that I've heard it so many damn times now. It probably would have taken the spot of one of the songs that never gets played, like The Good Soldier, which he only played last night on the whole tour, and was my favorite by far.

"I could say this is our last tour, but it will make you sad. So I won't say it."

I could tell the show was coming to an end with Head Like a Hole and then the last thing Reznor said was: "Every once in a while you have a night where you feel like everything is in the right place, time and place, and this is fucking it. Thank you so much," right before he ended the show with Hurt. It was just perfect.

I didn't really get into Jane's Addiction, other than Dave Navarro shredding the guitar. It was all just a little too 1980's David Bowie for me. I have to say though, the best part was in between two songs when Perry Farrell, practically in drag and holding a bottle of wine, said, "Hey, Indiana, and all you farmers. I want to come live on the farms with you. I know how some of you farm people like to get freaky." Everyone started cheering and I looked over at Kevin, Chris, and Lisa. The sky at this time was a weird black, orange, and purple like a low budget horror film about a midwest cult, and I said, "I think it's time to get the fuck outta here." We left not too long after.

Definitely the best money I've spent in a very long time. Reznor is a fucking god. The only real regret I have is having only seen Reznor twice now before he called it quits. Fuck, that's depressing.

While searching for good pics and vids from last night's show, I actually came across a working torrent of the entire show here: NIN Noblesville torrent. It sounds almost perfect, but of course, it just doesn't compare to actually being there. Also, if you're bored, check out the Nine Inch Nails Film Festival, where people send in videos using the instrumental tracks from his last release, Ghosts: NIN Film Fest.

Update: I kept seeing and hearing something about VIP donations, but had no clue what it was about. Well, here you go: NIN Helps Man In Need Of Heart Transplant. It just makes me wish I had decked that motherfucker holding the Bible.

The machinist, part 2.

2009-05-27T21:44:00.005-04:00

I haven't seen much of the old man these days, since they basically laid him off. He only comes in about once every two weeks now. It's sad really, considering how much this man has taught me in the last year and a half. I feel like they're making budget cuts to my education instead of cuts to their overhead. In all fairness though, he is getting a bit too old to be doing all the amazing shit he does, and even a half-god needs rest from time to time. But since I last posted quotes in February, I've built up another decent list, with a couple of stories, the last seeming to be everyone's favorite. I still wish I could remember more, or remember to write down more, because I'm letting so much great wisdom fall through the cracks. Let's hope this isn't the last list I get to make.

Well, I'm heading to the house. Got me some ham salad I made last night for sandwiches. With the old lady sick, I've had to fend for myself. It's kinda nice though, having something different than a hot tongue and cold shoulder.

I talked to your old buddy yesterday. I guess he got back with his old lady. And I guess he dropped a package off for delivery.
Really? I heard she couldn't get pregnant.
Maybe it wasn't actually him. Looks like she found someone to stud her out. I'd get the bitch tested.

It's not pretty, but we ain't entering no fucking beauty pageant. Not that any of them here even know what that is anyway.

Don't marry for money, but hang around rich women ‘til you fall in love.

Driving that nice a'car to work at his age is damn ridiculous. It's just like pissing in the ocean. He's not getting any.

Here. I made an extra plate for you to take home. I know you're cheap and can't afford to dip into that thick wallet to buy yourself dinner.

Don't thank me. I couldn't give a shit today, or tomorrow.

The only time I ever paid for sex was back in my early 30's, I think. I was in D.C. for work, with my friend, and he said, "While we're in Washington, let's get a couple whores." So he got his, I got mine, and back at my hotel room she was sucking me off, and halfway though she looked up at me and said she'd have sex with me too if I wanted. I looked down at her and said, "I'm not paying you for sex. I'm paying you to suck my dick." And I pushed her head back down.

That ain't skill. That's shithouse luck.

Look at that shirt. Boy, you're sharper than a needle-dick hound.

Back when I was a teenager, and I had just got my license, I asked my dad if I could borrow his car. You see, I had a date that night with this broad that got around a bit. I don't know what you kids call 'em these days, but...
I guess we call them hoodrats.
What? Whatever. Anyway, this was back when segregation was still around, so in the movie theater they had a balcony where the blacks sat. Well, I didn't really want anyone seeing me with her, so we sat up there. While the movie was playing, I was fingering that pussy. Not more than a couple minute into it, the most vile, awful smell came up. I'm telling you, kid, fucking rank. Well, it was so bad that all the people around us on the balcony cleared out. I could hear them choking on the way out. After the movie was over, I didn't know what I was gonna do. I mean, that smell almost gagged me, but I was planning on fucking something that night.
God, let me guess...
I took her to the park, wrapped it twice, and fucked the hell outta her. I took her home, and she asked me if I was gonna call her tomorrow. I said, "Fuck no," and tore outta there. Halfway home I pulled the car over and puked. Twice. The next morning my old mad came pounding on my door and asked me, "Why the fuck does my car smell like someone fucking died?" I told him that was my date. He never let me drive that car again.

The truth is never beautiful.

2009-05-24T01:00:00.003-04:00

I have never seen a documentary more vague or generalized, or sappy, than "The Beautiful Truth." Then again, "beauty" has always been such a hard thing to define, in a world than holds little "truth." The film is directed by Steve Kroschel, who narrates, while his son, Garrett, plays the part of interviewer and tool. The pair set off to investigate the claims of a Dr. Max Gerson, now deceased, who supposedly found a cure for cancer in 1928. The claim is bullshit, of course, but the film, its team, and the people they interview all believe otherwise.

One thing is for sure, that I am completely and utterly sick of every documentary comparing their antagonist to Adolf Hitler and the Nazis. I have seen enough stock footage of an enraged Hitler, marching Nazis, and Holocaust corpses being tossed into ditches to fill a World War II documentary in itself. Comparing the food and medical industries to the Third Reich in the first ten minutes gave me a very good idea as to what to expect for the next eighty minutes.

Roughly halfway through the documentary I decided to do a bit of research on the subject myself. I stopped the movie and came across several sites on the topic, and once I felt I had read plenty from enough various sources, I had to go against every fiber in my being to finish that overindulgent piece of shit in order to adequately review it.

Gerson's therapy is described as "an alternative dietary therapy which he claimed could cure cancer and most chronic, degenerative diseases. Gerson described his approach in the book 'A Cancer Therapy: Results of 50 Cases.' However, when Gerson's claims were independently evaluated by the National Cancer Institute, it was found that Gerson's records lacked the basic information necessary to systematically evaluate his claims, and the patients who were 'cured' by his treatment were also receiving standard, effective medical treatment simultaneously. The therapy is considered scientifically unsupported and potentially hazardous, and has been blamed for the deaths of patients who substituted it for standard medical care.”

In the film, they place the blame all on major food companies and the companies that supply farmers with chemicals for their crops, but never do they blame the FDA or hold it accountable. In fact, they basically come right out and say those words, when addressing a letter from the company Monsanto, "Assuring its safety is the FDA's job." The filmmakers did not agree. The FDA responded with: "Ultimately, it is the food producer who is responsible for assuring safety." The only thing this tells me is that the FDA serves no purpose. Yet, the filmmakers continue to go after the food industry, completely ignoring the FDA's responsibilities to the public.

At one point they even claim that Monsanto wants to implement a new "terminator technology" that would prevent farmers from saving seeds, leading to no new crops, thus creating mass starvation. I am not even going to go into how fucking moronic the claims of a food company wanting to starve its customers are.

Of course, they were also not above blaming the more popular leaders of recent history for the last century of supposed food crimes, such as Donald Rumsfeld and John Ashcroft. For the individuals that did not give permission to the filmmakers to use interviews or even their photos, Garrett drew pathetic cartoons, sometimes even caricatures, so crude and demeaning that I half-expected one to have horns and hold a pitchfork by the end of the movie.

But what exactly are Gerson’s methods? "Gerson's therapy required the patient to consume raw vegan food and to drink an 8-ounce glass of fresh organic juices every waking hour. Coffee and castor oil enemas were among several types of prescribed enemas, and some patients were given hydrogen peroxide orally and rectally. Rectal ozone was also applied. Dietary supplements include vitamin C and iodine. The diet prohibited the drinking of water and consumption of berries and nuts, as well as use of aluminum vessels or utensils."

Coffee enemas. Check. Drink hydrogen peroxide. Check. Do not drink water. Check. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Could it? "Coffee enemas have contributed to the deaths of at least three people in the United States. Coffee enemas 'can cause colitis (inflammation of the bowel), fluid and electrolyte imbalances, and in some cases septicemia.'" Well, that was only three deaths. Not so bad. “Initially, patients were required to drink several glasses of raw calf liver extract daily. Following an outbreak of Campylobacter infection linked to the Gerson clinic's extract, which sickened and killed several of the clinic's patients, carrot juice was substituted.” Interestingly, none of this was ever mentioned in the film.

As the documentary progressed, and each "recorded case" of a person being cured was shown, but not proven, I began to wonder what it was that made each case a "success." I knew that there had to be something different for each kind of cancer. But apparently the coffee enema, carrot juice, and organic fruit and vegetable diet cures absolutely everything, from diabetes, to breast cancer, to fibromyalgia. The Gerson Therapy even cures muscular dystrophy. It would seem that by eating only organic foods and shooting a latte up your ass every so often, you can live forever.

Not once does the documentary ever try to explain how this diet cures cancer. Nor does it ever delve any deeper than surface level of the supposed cases where patients are cured. Each interview comes off as shallow as a diet pill commercial, simply claiming “it works, it really works.” What the documentary does attempt to do is alienate and demoralize people who eat fast food, meat, corn, wheat, sugar, beans, nuts, and berries, as well as people that go to hospitals, dentist offices, and supermarkets, and not to forget doctors, dentists, and anyone who works at a non-organic food company. We all know the dangers of genetically-altered foods and monosodium glutamate, the food additive amino acid that shuts off the part of your brain that tells you when to stop eating. But what the documentary claims is that the food we normally eat everyday gives us cancer and the Gerson diet cures cancer.

I found it to be a nice touch when, while on the road, Garrett is shown in the passenger seat eating fast food. The voice over of the narrator says he wanted to tell him not to, but that it was "his own choice." Well, he probably could have prevented that by not pulling into a McDonald's drive-thru when they were hungry. It was also a nice touch, for the sake of proving his point, to have him eat two Big Macs, two large fries, and a sundae, then have him supposedly throw-up on the plane ride three hours later. It all just played into the MSG information only five minutes prior. It was perfect timing.

The real truth is not beautiful. The foods we eat may be giving us cancer. The obesity epidemic is only in America, even though MSG is found in food all over the world now. Americans are fat because they do not know when to stop: food, war, money, power, entertainment, violence, etc. We are simply overindulgent. And despite all fucking claims to the contrary, the Gerson Therapy does not cure shit. Beauty itself is simply a vain lie.

"Ignorance is preferable to error, and he is less remote from the truth who believes nothing than he who believes what is wrong." -Thomas Jefferson

Per Jim Gaffigan.

2009-05-06T08:26:00.000-04:00

"I can’t believe I’m going to work on my birthday! I can’t believe I’m doing laundry on my birthday! I can’t believe I’m paying for sex on my birthday!"

Christianity and the founding fathers.

2009-04-28T21:15:00.007-04:00

There's something I've heard quite often, since high school actually, from teachers (one in particular), friends, family, co-workers, politicians, and all of them have one thing in common: they're religious. But what is it that they keep repeating, with absolutely no basis in fact, quite the opposite actually?

"This country was founded on Christian values." There are many variations to the exact words they use, but the meaning is the same. Even those that claim, "This country was founded on the freedom of religion," who would actually call their children morons if they became Wiccan (though they would be) or tell them they're disappointed when they find that their children are atheist. What they really mean to say is that you're free to be Christian.

But how did we come to believe that the founding fathers ever cared enough about Christianity to leave England and start their own colonies? Well, I'm not sure, but one thing I'm sure about is that I can prove to you that you're full of shit. Here goes.

The men responsible for building the foundation of the United States had little use for Christianity, and many were strongly opposed to it. Hell, the Declaration of Independence should be proof enough, considering the power of governments up to that point had been based on divine right, dictated by God. Thomas Jefferson slapped God in the face with that one. Or how about the fact that the words "Jesus Christ, Christianity, Bible, and God" are never once mentioned anywhere in the Constitution?

Everyone's familiar with Jefferson's "All men are created equal. They are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights." That's seems odd coming from a man who also once said, "I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature." Jefferson was condemning the practice of slavery in the colonies when he actually wrote, "All men are created equal and independent. From that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable," before Congress changed it to increase its religious overtones.

Best of all, consider this: if indeed the members of the First Continental Congress were all Bible-believing, God-fearing men, would there ever have been a revolution at all?

"For rebellion as is the sin of witchcraft." 1 Samuel, 15:23

Though not a founding father, he is widely received as the second greatest American president, Abraham Lincoln may have well been the most against Christianity. Lincoln's first law partner, John T. Stuart, said of him: "He was an avowed and open infidel, and sometimes bordered on atheism. He went further against Christian beliefs and doctrines and principles than any man I have ever heard." Lincoln himself once said, "The Bible is not my book, nor Christianity my profession."

So, the next time you feel like changing history, try telling the truth instead. This country was founded on freedom, not religion. This isn't an attack on the religious, just the ignorant, and their content to be. I'll leave you with quotes on religion and Christianity from some of the "Christian" founding fathers:

"Lighthouses are more helpful than churches." -Benjamin Franklin

"In the affairs of the world, men are saved, not by faith, but by the lack of it." -Benjamin Franklin

"The purpose of separation of church and state is to keep forever from these shores the ceaseless strife that has soaked the soil of Europe in blood for centuries." -James Madison, 1803 letter objecting use of gov. land for churches

"Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise." -James Madison, letter to Wm. Bradford, April 1, 1774

"As I understand the Christian religion, it was, and is, a revelation. But how has it happened that millions of fables, tales, legends, have been blended with both Jewish and Christian revelation that have made them the most bloody religion that ever existed?" -John Adams, letter to F.A. Van der Kamp, Dec. 27, 1816

"This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it." -John Adams

"Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness, with which more than half of the Bible is filled, it would be more consistent that we call it the word of a demon than the word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind." -Thomas Paine

"The study of theology, as it stands in the Christian churches, is the study of nothing; it is founded on nothing; it rests on no principles; it proceeds by no authority; it has no data; it can demonstrate nothing; and it admits of no conclusion." -Thomas Paine

The Pope pulls out, apparently.

2009-03-18T18:46:00.002-04:00

"The Vatican on Wednesday defended Pope Benedict XVI's opposition to the use of condoms to stop the spread of AIDS as activists, doctors and governments criticized it as unrealistic, unscientific and dangerous.

Benedict, arriving in Africa, said Tuesday that condoms 'increase the problem' of AIDS. The comment, made to reporters aboard his plane, caused a worldwide storm of criticism."

That's right. You heard it here, folks. The Pope says don't use condoms. Fine by me. I never much liked rubber gloves, spandex, or one-size-fits-all, and I like condoms even less. And now my antipathy is sanctioned by God himself. Thank God.

"Kevin De Cock, director of the H.I.V./AIDS program at the World Health Organization, said there was no scientific evidence showing that condom use spurs people to take more sexual risks."

Yes, the director of the AIDS program at WHO's last name is Cock. I couldn't make this up if I tried. But the most interesting thing the condom hat-wearing Pope had to say was:

"He also expressed concern about the impact of modernity and secularization on the traditional African family, telling the bishops to promote the understanding that marriage is indissoluble."

'Indissoluble' being the key word here. In America, 33% of all marriages end in divorce, and 50% of all second, third, fourth, etc. marriages end in divorce. It seems that the Pope is off his fucking meds. But I'll start pulling out instead.

The greatest short film I've ever seen.

2009-03-16T22:40:00.004-04:00

Nothing much to say with this. I remember watching this video, but with different music, years ago. Originally I saw this with Kenna's "hell bent," which is an amazing song, and I've absolutely loved it ever since. But tonight, after watching it again, I found out that it wasn't made for his music video. I read that it was actually a short film, that was nominated for an Academy Award, made by Mark Osbourne, with music by New Order. Never knew that. I think both are great, but I have to love the original more out of respect for the creator, even if "hell bent" is a bit catchier (with great lyrics as well) compared to "Elegia." Just for reference, here's the link to the Kenna version (since it won't let me embed the video):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owS1coeoWEc

Know what country and pop don't have?

2009-03-10T23:55:00.001-04:00

Badass fans who do this to see legends:

"Over 100 Iron Maiden fans were arrested before the band's show at Bogota's Simon Bolivar Park in Colombia on Saturday (March 7) as a riot broke out outside the venue.

Ticket-less fans gatecrashed the 25,000-capacity show, with riot police attempting to quell the chaos as rocks were thrown and tear gas was used by authorities, reports BBC News.

Of the 111 fans arrested, 40 remain in custody. One police officer, Rolado Arturo Girata Mora, required reconstructive surgery after being injured in the fracas.

Police said that the riot was caused by 'embarrassing acts perpetrated by a group of malcontents who wanted to enter without tickets'.

Local authorities are set to debate whether heavy metal acts should be allowed to take place in Bogota in the future.

Iron Maiden managed to perform the show when stage time came around, and did not comment on the riot."

Normally, I'd think it was a bit too much, but I've seen Iron Maiden, and frankly, I forgot about the fact that Ozzy was supposed to come on after, but couldn't. Not only does this show dedication to see a legendary band, it's just simply amazing that over 100 fans without tickets all decided to band together and break in. That also shows teamwork. And people call today's youth lazy...

Five reasons to break shit.

2009-03-07T00:08:00.004-05:00

I love metal. And guess what? I love nu-metal. Yeah, that's right. And I miss it. I grew up on this shit. Well, that and Cradle of Filth. But what the hell happened? It's all good that those bands wanted to change their sound over the years. Like, for instance, I wouldn't want Tool to make another album just like Lateralus, after waiting almost five years. It's a good thing that they didn't...

But that doesn't mean that we can't still have new, er, nu-metal bands, does it? Oh well. I'll just keep listening to the old shit. So here's a list of five vids I miss. There was going to be more, like Slipknot, Korn, and Spineshank, but those damn record companies seem to enjoy disabling access to embed them.

"The Red" - Chevelle

The best idea for a music video, ever. It just didn't quite live up to my expectations. It could have been so much more pissed off. It always seemed funny to me, to pack a room with the angriest fuckers that aren't in jail. And deep down, I know this court-ordered class is in my future.

"Giving In" - Adema

I miss Adema, more than any band that lost a singer or disbanded. I don't quite know why everyone hated them. And to be honest, this vid has inspired quite a few writes actually. Great song all around. Even though it works with the whole addiction to sex, I wish the video had reflected the drinking addiction instead, just like the song.

"One Step Closer" - Linkin Park

This is the one that started it all. It really doesn't even seem like this is the same band. Like I said, I'm all for a band testing new grounds, but Linkin Park has really mellowed out. I miss this anger. Hell, I miss any emotion at all that they used to convey. Fuck it. I miss when they were Hybrid Theory.

"Last Resort" - Papa Roach

Christ. I don't know how many million times I've listened to the Infest CD all the way through. I still remember the night when Kevin bought this CD, and I bought Korn's Issues. The two best purchases we've ever made, including cars, food, and even clothes. If you have good nu-metal you don't need to eat, or even clothe yourself.

"Break Stuff" - Limp Bizkit

Fred Durst is the biggest douchefag in America, when Bono is touring in other countries. And he's soulless. But old Limp Bizkit really wasn't too bad. This was back when Durst was on his way to living in a dream world where he was king, but he wasn't quite there yet. The video's kind of cheesy, but I'll forgive him for that, because you're not supposed to make fun of mentally-handicapped people.

Well, that's the list. Just a trip down memory lane of my high school years. Now I need to go find something to break.

Update on the ever-accelerating growth of Bono's head.

2009-03-04T22:27:00.002-05:00

"U2 have had a street in New York City named in their honour, to celebrate the release of their brand new album. In a ceremony today (March 3), 53rd Street in Manhattan was temporarily renamed U2 Way by Mayor Michael Bloomberg. The street will be called U2 Way for a week."

Today's forecast: Bono's ego and self-admiration is at an all-time high. No need to bundle up, because he's blowing out a lot of hot air. And there's a good chance that shit will start falling from the sky. That's God. He hates U2, like me. Because we're both smart. Except that story doesn't work, because Bono is apparently God.

"'We're here somewhere between 10th Avenue and funky, funky Broadway, somewhere south of Duke Ellington Way and north of Joey Ramone Place we find ourselves...where the streets have no name,' he said, according to Reuters."

U2 Way is the last stop the bus makes on its tour through the nine circles of Hell. Where Bono is king. God, I fucking hate Bono.

*Extra tidbit: I've always said his name as Bone-o. No real reason, other than the fact that that's technically how it should be pronounced, considering there is a vowel following the consonant after the first 'o' which would make it a long 'o' sound. Wouldn't it? I love proving you dicks wrong.

This little book is long overdue.

2009-02-24T20:30:00.001-05:00

"'Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark' will open on Broadway on February 18, 2010 with music and lyrics written by U2's Bono and The Edge. The show is inspired by more than 40 years of Marvel Spider-Man comic books, but spins a new take on the tale of Peter Parker, who finds himself endowed with astonishing powers after he is bitten by a genetically altered spider.'

Yes, you read that correctly. Bono is going to write music for a Spider-Man Broadway musical. If the earth opened up and Hell arose from beneath the stage, I wouldn't even be the least bit surprised. To tell the truth, I'd actually be relieved.

"Bono and The Edge, one half of U2, will make their Broadway debut by creating new music and lyrics for the 'Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark.' Casting for the show is yet to be announced."

"Bono and The Edge, one half of U2," as if U2 was some kind of fucking superhero team, actually believe they're still cool and hip enough to make music people enjoy. Actually, I think Bono believes he's a superhero, with all of the 'humanitarian' work he does. The fuck was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, and even knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. As Slu would say, "What a dick."

His music is terrible (even the old shit), his ego is off the scale, and there's nothing creepier than an old man trying to be cool in front of a bunch of kids by attempting to dress and act like them. At the start of his career he made himself out to be a Bob Dylan or Willie Nelson with his vague and generalized 'protest' lyrics and attempt at singing.

As the years progressed, and record sales declined, the hack decided to be an artist in marketing, you could say. He sold-out quicker than light beer and nachos at NASCAR. Need proof? Here's an I-Pod commercial from 2004. I remember this one well, and decided to look it up for this. Despite everyone else being silhouetted, which is the way they had always done these commercials until this one, Bono is seen quite clearly.

Show me someone who still listens to U2 and I'll show you someone who's over the hill and can't escape the past. If there was ever a reason for me to be ashamed of being Irish, Bono would be it. There are no known words to me to express my hatred for this piece of shit. And there is no known crime that I wish would befall him. I hope there is a Hell, solely for the purpose of Bono burning in it for all eternity.

Can't place it, but it sounds so familiar.

2009-02-24T19:02:00.001-05:00

"Gamers beware: Keeping too tight a grip on the console and furiously pushing the buttons can cause a newly identified skin disorder marked by painful lumps on the palms, Swiss scientists said on Tuesday.

Called 'PlayStation palmar hidradentitis' by the scientists, the skin disorder can cause painful lesions on the palms similar to patches found on the soles of children's feet after taking part in heavy physical activity, they said."

Yeah, they're called fucking calluses. Is America really so spoiled and lazy that we've forgotten what they are, and have actually come up with new names for them? I don't know a lot of Latin, but I can read that. It basically translates to 'Playstation hard palm' which sounds like a new badass account name...

I hate you stupid people.

"If it's too loud, you're too old."

2009-02-11T23:24:00.001-05:00

So, music has no soul these days? I'm assuming this is based on the radio, MTV, music videos, and the top 40, right? Your "golden years" view is simply an embargo on a little time to actually research something, anything outside of the mainstream. You're only partial to your own age, whether it be the 60's, 70's, or 80's. You think our music all sounds the same and has no talent or lyrical power? Their inspiration resonates from your age, just as yours did from the years before.

So, go ahead, bash our music. But I do have one question for you. We all listen to classic rock and oldies from the past, but why is it that we never hear you listening to music from your own parents' childhood?

The machinist.

2009-02-09T22:56:00.002-05:00

A very wise English teacher I once had said to the class: "There's no point in trying. Everything you plan to do has been done and every idea you will ever have has already been thought of before." So, taking his advice, I'm posting all the quotes I've copied down from a certain favorite co-worker of mine. As you read them, you'll know why I had to write them down before I forgot them, though some are said on a regular basis. Unfortunately, there are many I never had a chance to. Keep in mind, these are all things said to other co-workers, or him talking to me about them or someone he knows. As far as I can tell, he actually likes me. But I hope not, because then that would lessen his image in my mind and I would lose a little respect for him. I can only hope to become half the man he is.

Well, I'm heading to the house. If my dinner's not ready, I'm going to raise hell. If it is ready, I'm not going to eat.

I have a lot of tools at my workbench, but I've never seen one quite like you.

He's the kind of guy that'd jerk his dog off to feed his cat.

I call my wife Troll. She loves it. (Even has her name in his cell as 'Troll')

I hope your sons didn't get their brains from you. You're a fucking idiot.

You're getting married? Dumbass. I didn't even know people still did that. I guess kids today are just as stupid as they've always been.

I used to drink a 40 in the parking lot everyday on my lunch break. So one day a guy I work with, who was also a preacher, came up to me and said I shouldn't do that. That if I came to his church on Sunday, he could save me. So I asked him if he could save anyone. "Yes, anyone." Can you save a murderer? "Yes." Can you save a rapist? "Yes." Can you save a whore? "Yes, I can save a whore." Then can you save me a whore Friday night? That dickhead didn't talk to me on lunch anymore.

Wherever you find four Baptists, you'll find a fifth.

I'm going home to a hot woman and a cold beer. And it better not be the other
way around.

She quit? I don't blame her. Fuck this place. I'd quit too, if I didn't hate everything else even more.

Three illegitimate kids. I don't understand it. You kids can't just fuck for fun anymore?

Look at her dressed all in white, as if she was still a virgin. Probably hasn't been a virgin since the sixth grade.

When God made woman, He sure wasted one of man's damn ribs.

'M-F-er'? Is that like 'motherfucker'?

What a dick./He's a dick./Ain't he a dickhead?/You ever met a dick like that?

Cheap bastard./Cheap prick./That son of a bitch is cheap./Here's a nickel. I know how cheap you are, prick.

The man's a living legend. He has diabetes, calluses for hands, and he hates small talk. When he talks, I listen. When he comes over to my desk, he just sits in my chair and I stop what I'm doing because I know the shit about to come out of his mouth is going to be epic. Sometimes I think I'm staring into the mirror. Then I remember I'm not that badass. But he's teaching me.

A zombie film guide, part 4 (of 4).

2009-02-02T00:10:00.004-05:00

Here’s the fourth and final part of the zombie movie list. This time around I’ve got sequels, a few unknowns, and cult classics that no zombie list should be without. I even managed to make it to an even forty movies, which I didn’t think I’d get. There’s a couple I’ve downloaded but haven’t watched and a few I still would like to find, so I may end up making a fifth addition later, but for now, here is the rest of every undead movie I can recall ever watching.

House of the Dead 2 (2005)

A virus lets loose on a college campus, and a special ops team isn't sent in until about 30 days later. Somehow the zombies created from this virus never seem to venture off campus, probably because they're still waiting for their classes to resume. This is the sequel to Uwe Boll's masterpiece, but since he's not behind this one, it's actually a bit better. Just a bit. The characters are still plain and 2-dimensional, with the only exception really being the main female lead, though still nothing spectacular. The action is par, but the whole film takes place at night and begins to wear on you, since everything just looks too dark. But you can't expect much from a made-for-TV movie. All in all, it's better than it's predecessor, but still crap.

Best line: I don't remember any and I can't find a single quote anywhere. So, none.

Re-Animator (1985)

Jeffrey Combs (the crazy FBI agent from The Frighteners) stars as Howard West in this H. P. Lovecraft-inspired horror about a medical student assisting West in reanimating the dead. I've put this cult classic off for years until just the other night. It's campy, cheesy, and filled with so much damn blood that I'm amazed it's an 80's movie. It really surprised me at how much I like it. Some of it doesn't really make sense (like a severed head that's still able to talk separated from its body), but it's meant to be silly like that. Some of the lines are hilarious and well timed, and the make-up is pretty damn good. I can see why this movie has such a huge following. There are two sequels to Re-Animator, which I'll have to check out later. I'm glad I finally watched this one.

Best line: "You steal the secret of life and death, and here you are trysting with a bubble-headed coed."

Braindead - Dead Alive (1992)

"A young man's mother is bitten by a Sumatran rat-monkey. She gets sick and dies, at which time she comes back to life, killing and eating dogs, nurses, friends, and neighbors." It's hard to believe this is Peter Jackson, the man who brought you The Lord of the Rings trilogy, but it is. It's hands down the goriest and most disgusting movie I have ever had the pleasure of viewing. That's no exaggeration either. It's sick. Actually, the zombie game Dead Rising took inspiration from Braindead, because in the end the main character holds up a lawn mower and hacks up tons of zombies. It's gruesome. Braindead is technically a horror/comedy in the same style as Re-Animator and many others on the list, but I can't say I've seen anything much like it. It's low budget obviously, and one of the funniest parts is the Sumatran rat-monkey, that looks like complete shit. It's so cheep that it cracked me up. I can't see too many people appreciating this movie like I do.

Best line: "I kick ass for the Lord!"

Wicked Little Things (2006)

A widow and her two daughters inherit a house from her late husband up in the mountains near a mine, where kids used to work and were all killed. Now the zombie kids are back for blood. Despite the film being beautifully shot, especially the opening of the kids in 1913, tinted in black and amber, the movie was stale. I predicted the plot and the actions of the characters with ease, and it never once surprised me. It's definitely not as bad as some of the crap already on this list, but it's never good. I'm not really sure that these kids are zombies, though they call them that in the movie. They are undead though, and eat the people that they kill, so that means they aren't ghosts. I guess that makes them zombies. Overall, a boring flick with wasted cinematography. The trailer sucks, but it's the only one I could find. Sorry.

Best line: "Run." "What?" "Run." "Where?" "With me, RUN!"

Night of the Creeps (1986)

A cult 80's horror movie about alien parasites that take control of a person, turning them into a zombie, taking place at a college university. I'm not really sure why this one is so popular. It blows. It has its moments or humor, though sparse, and it's never all that terrible. But it suffers from too many clichés and I can't really tell if they took it too seriously or not. I hate movies like that, when it seems like the crew thought they were actually making a good film, when they weren't. I found this movie to be too slow and boring, until the last fifteen minutes or so. And the make-up and props, like severed heads, or just horrible. It's the true definition of a B-movie.

Best line: "Detective, other than confessing to a murder, is there a point to this conversation?"

Outpost (2008)

Starring Ray Stevenson (the new Punisher), a scientist hires a group of mercenaries to take him to an abandoned bunker in Europe, that turns out to be an old Nazi bunker. Apparently, the Nazis built a machine called a field generator that allowed them to turn a troop of soldiers immortal, existing within this field and enabling them to come and go at will. It's better explained in the movie, which is actually rooted well in science, but that's the basics. I just found out about this one the other day, and it sounded amazing. Nazi zombies. It doesn't get much better than that. To become immortal in this field, they had to kill all of the soldiers first. This is how they basically become zombies. At first, it sounded more like they were ghosts, but they're technically still somewhat alive and when they "take shape" they are real and can interact with objects at will. It's probably the most innovative zombie idea I've seen in years. The movie itself is beautifully shot and the actions scenes are great, but it's actually more of a scary movie than zombie shoot-em-up, and some of the scenes are creepy as hell. The best being the first time the forest lights up showing their silhouettes. Definitely a good low budget horror movie.

Best line: "See, the bright light...it ain't Heaven, son. It's just a muzzle flare."

Pet Semetary (1989)

Based on the Stephen King novel, the Creed family move into a new house in the country, near an old pet cemetery, that used to be an Indian burial ground. There's a curse on the land, and the family decides to bury their dead pet there. And it decides to come back. But it's not really alive anymore. Eventually people get buried there, including the Creed's little boy, Gage, which is one of the creepiest little kids in any movie, far surpassing these shitty Japanese horror knock-offs. This is one of the many good Stephen King adaptations, and still a creepy flick. The acting is great by everyone too, and like I said before, especially the little boy.

Best line: "Today is Thanksgiving day for cats. But only if they came back from the dead."

Pet Semetary II (1992)

The sequel to the Stephen King-based movie, this time starring a young Edward Furlong before he disappeared off the face of the Earth. It's basically the same ideas as the first, though nowhere near as entertaining or creepy, mainly because there was no novel to base it off of. It's been years since I've seen this, so I can't fully remember it all, but it was average at best. There were a few scenes that came off a bit hokey, and this brought it down quite a bit. The acting was nowhere near as good either. Definitely not as good as the original.

Best line: "Drew, I know your dog died, but get a grip, man, you're freaking me out!"

Route 666 (2001)

Beneath Route 66, four prisoners were buried and then paved over. They come back as zombies. I vaguely recall this film and just remembered watching it the other day. I can't give a great review giving that I’ve forgotten most of it, but I can tell you that it was a shitty made-for-TV kind of movie and I don't even remember how it ends, or if I finished it at all. I do remember that the Feds kept firing hundreds of rounds, not taking down the zombies at all, and obviously it was quite profound, seeing as how I couldn't even find a trailer for it. I guess that says a lot in itself.

Best line: "Don't leave me here with Helen Keller and the Three Blind Mice! I am not safe with these guys!"

No trailer.

A zombie film guide, part 3 (of 4).

2009-01-30T00:57:00.005-05:00

Here’s part 3 of the zombie marathon thing. This time, I’ve got a few horror/comedies, a few cult classics, and the famous Resident Evil series. This puts the list at thirty strong now. That’s a hell of a lot of zombie movies. Just one more part of the list left. I’ve got two or three hard to find flicks left to watch, then I’ll finish.

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Shaun is probably one of the best comedies I've seen, plus it's about zombies, so it really couldn't get much better than that. At its core, it's basically a parody of zombie films, but it really is so much more. The story is simple: "a man decides to turn his moribund life around by winning back his ex-girlfriend, reconciling his relationship with his mother, and dealing with an entire community that has returned from the dead to eat the living." It stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, good friends in real life, and they're damned hilarious together (just like in Hot Fuzz). There are so many examples of great lines and witty dialog, some not so obvious. For example, Nick's character and a roommate get into a fight and he tells Shaun that the next time he sees him, "he's dead." And later on, he tries to attack him as a zombie. The whole movie is tight, and any fan of zombie movies should check it out, if you haven't already. Plus, Kate Ashfield is smoking hot, as seen above. "You've got red on you."

Best line: "As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "I" in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team...I don't know what he's talking about."

Fido (2006)

A kid's best friend is actually his family's pet zombie. The whole town has pet zombies in this future world/50's era. Something happened to cause everyone who dies to return from the dead. If you're rich enough, you can have a funeral (complete with a head coffin after it's severed). If not, you come back as a zombie pet controlled by a special collar. It's a horror/comedy, obviously. I kept forgetting to check this one out since I first heard of it back in 2005, and finally remembered a few weeks ago. I'm glad I did too. I never would have imagined stand-up comedian Billy Connolly taking a role without a single line, and yet, he's perfect for the part. Aside from the kid doing a good job too, Carrie-Anne Moss actually provided the best bits of humor in this one. I never pictured her as the comedy type, but she's actually better at this than drama. Go rent this.

Best line: "Bill, just because your father tried to eat you, does that mean we all have to be unhappy...forever?"

[Rec] (2007)

A TV reporter and a cameraman are following the fire department on their night shift. They answer a call from a lady who's trapped in her home, which happens to be an apartment building. When they arrive, it goes to shit. This is actually the film that unoriginal American Hollywood execs decided to remake and release last year, called Quarantine. It's not on my list, because I haven't seen it, nor intend to. Not because it's a remake. Because I heard that almost nothing is different, except gone are those annoying little words that they put at the bottom of the screen that I hate reading because I'm lazy. Nope, just this version, in Spanish. [Rec] was filmed from the cameraman's point of view, ie. Cloverfield and Blair Witch Project, and it's scary as hell. Seriously. It's definitely more of a modern horror than campy or sci-fi crap like Resident Evil. Dark hallways, creepy lighting, it's all there. Don't be a lazy, illiterate douchebag. Rent [Rec] instead of Quarantine. Foreign horror remakes are starting to give Disney a run for it's money on telling someone else's stories.

Best line: "What's your show called?" "While You're Asleep." "While You're Asleep? Then who watches it?"

The Evil Dead (1981)

Five friends take a little trip into the woods to stay at a cabin, and while there, they set loose demons and the undead. The first of Sam Raimi's cult classic trilogy, and just like the other two, it's good, campy fun. This was back in the day, when Raimi wasn't afraid of that R-rating and liked to get his hands a bit dirty. Back in the 80's, this was a good movie because it was cheesy and campy, but now it's just kind of crappy, which is also good, of course. It's still worth checking out, because this is where ass-kicking Ash got his start.

Best line: "I know now that my wife has become host to a Candarian demon. I fear that the only way to stop those possessed by the spirits of the book is through the act of...bodily dismemberment."

Evil Dead II (1987)

It's kind of a sequel, kind of a remake, kind of a retelling. Take your pick. Doesn't matter really. Ash escapes the crazy shit from the first movie, then...takes refuge in a different cabin with other people. No matter how you look at it though, the sequel is leagues greater than the original. The first movie desperately needed some humor. This one has it. Ash is starting to turn into the prick that he is in Army of Darkness. This movie also has a massive amount of blood compared to Evil Dead, though it’s extremely overdone for comic value. That's the reason that these are cult films. It's just not the general public's thing. But it's definitely mine.

Best line: "Hey, what do you say we have some champagne, huh, baby?" "Sure." "After all, I'm a man and you're a woman...at least last time I checked."

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! - Strippers vs. Zombies (2008)

Not to be confused with Zombie Strippers!, though not much different. Same old shit: a failed experiment goes wrong and ends up creating a bunch of zombies. Oh, and trust me, its as amazing as it's two titles. Some strippers, their friends, and others barricade themselves inside a strip club with the undead beating down the doors. There are no stars in this one. And no plot. The action is terrible. The dialog is the verbal equivalent of not wiping after you shit. One of the guys even "parodies" the infamous line from another shitty movie, Snakes on a Plane: "I'm sick of these motherfucking zombies in this motherfucking strip club." I like crappy movies. But I don't like movies that are so terrible that I can't even laugh. I just feel ashamed for downloading it, and watching it, and especially finishing it...

Best line: "Don't say another word, you fucker, or I swear to God I'll blow your pimp ass in half!"

Resident Evil (2002)

A global corporation accidentally releases the infamous "T-virus" in one of it's large underground facilities. Alice, confused and suffering memory loss, goes down into the building with a group of soldiers to kill zombies, or something like that. Resident Evil is based of a series of badass zombie video games, of which have nothing in common with the movies, save a big house at the opening...and zombies. But actually, this is the only Resident Evil that doesn't suck a hard one. It's all action and one liners, but at least it's all good. Milla Jovovich stars as Alice, playing the only role she knows how, which is always hit and miss, but works this time. Also playing a role she was apparently born into is Michelle Rodriguez. The action though, is actually very well done. This is really the only one of the three to see. I just read today that the fourth is announced, and will take place in Alaska. Brilliant. Because there are lots of people to turn into zombies in Alaska...

Best line: "Bitch wouldn't open the door, so I had to fry her."

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

Alice is out of the facility, supped-up with some secret serum, and is ready to hand Raccoon City a new one. But Umbrella has plans of their own: an eight-foot tall, bazooka carrying zombie Bigfoot named Nemesis...and he knows kung-fu. In this one, they decided to try pulling more stuff from the games, namely Nemesis (minus the karate) and Jill Valentine, who's hot but can't act. Just like the first one, the action is dead on, but unlike the first one, the dialog blows. Sometimes you'll hear those kinds of lines that make you squint because it was actually painful to watch and hard to imagine someone getting that kind of a job, and getting paid to write it. Anyway, it's a big step down from the first, but I wasn't expecting much. Its proof that a big Hollywood budget won't necessarily make your movie any better than Zombie Strippers! or House of the Dead.

Best line: "GTA, motherfucker! Oh, yeah! Ten points."

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

The survivors of Raccoon City are now traveling across the desert of Nevada hoping to reach Alaska, which makes sense from the standpoint of a story, but not a sequel. In keeping with the tradition, they introduce more characters from the game, who mean nothing, because they're bad actors portraying flat characters, who all like to get out at every stop on the ride just to get themselves killed. I can see the pattern here. The action gets better and better while the plot and dialog and reason for keeping this series going all begin to fade away. While I liked this one slightly better than the last, it's definitely not noteworthy, and the ending in itself is one of the most retarded things I've seen from a big summer blockbuster. And I've seen Independence Day.

Best line: "I knew your sister. She was a homicidal bitch."

Resident Evil: Degeneration (2008)

After the fans of the Resident Evil video games bitched enough, Capcom wised up and gave them a movie based off of the video games. A purely CGI flick starring characters Leon S. Kennedy and Claire Redfield, the story takes place some odd years after Resident Evil 4. It begins at an airport, with an outbreak of the T-virus, and the story starts taking some turns along the way. While I would have rather seen a live action version of this, I can't ignore the amazing CGI work done here. It's on par with the best, which is amazing considering it never got a theatrical release. The original voice actors reprise their roles from the games and since they've done this all before, they do a great job. The action is great. The dialog is never moronic. And the story is on par with the games. It really makes me wonder who thinks they know what the general public will like and not like. Maybe the same people that want to make a zombie movie in Alaska, or remake Oldboy, or make a movie about 2012.

Best line: "They aren't fast, we can get by them."

The revolution of thought.

2009-01-27T20:18:00.002-05:00

A truck driver came in and started rambling on about the 2012 end of days bullshit to a coworker. I rolled my eyes, like usual when this crap's brought up, because I know people don't actually know what they're talking about, just repeating hearsay in similar fashion to that old kids' game of "telephone" and Roland Emmerich is lapping it up like the last puddle of water in a desert.

Anyway, I kept my mouth shut, as usual, and let him talk about how "every 24,000 years the Earth destroys itself and in 2012 it's gonna do it again for the fifth time." Wow, is that all the Earth's been around for? He continued by explaining how "Nostradamus predicted this, like that guy that uncoded the Bible" and skipped over Revelations apparently. Then he finished by saying he didn't believe in global warming and that in 2012 "the sun's gonna disappear behind the Milky Way and the farmers ain't gonna grow no food no more." Word for word, quote for quote. I wrote this shit down. It still amazes me that people question why I have no faith or hope for humankind.

A zombie film guide, part 2 (of 4).

2009-01-26T23:48:00.007-05:00

This time I've put together more classics and cult favorites, with a couple of remakes. I've featured all five of the great George A. Romero's creations, and the two remakes that followed. This will make it halfway through the list, making you that much more prepared for the necro-Armageddon, that I'm sure will happen any day now...hope will happen any day now:

Army of Darkness (1992)

Probably one of the most recognized cult horror movies. The third in the Evil Dead series, though technically more of a sequel to Evil Dead II. This time around, Ash is transported back in time to around 1300 to fend off the undead from King Arthur's castle. This is easily the best in the series, getting a much bigger budget, and best of all, features some much needed humor. This is where the movie succeeds. The best parts of the movie are the quips Ash spouts off to these confused people. To me, this is Sam Raimi's greatest flick, even better than his later Spider-Man trilogy. He should really stick with horror. Definitely the best of the three Evil Dead movies (which I'll review the other two later). Look for the director's cut instead of the theatrical release.

Best line: "Well, hello, Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you, pal. You ain't leadin' but two things right now: Jack and shit...and Jack left town."

Zombie Strippers! (2008)

Same old, same old. The story is: the government created a bio-virus thing to reanimate the dead to use them as soldiers, then it gets loose. It somehow ends up in a strip club, and that's where most of it takes place. Starring porn star Jenna Jameson, and a bunch more of them, this movie is bad. And not in a good way. It's really made more for teenage nerds, because it's not fun, just soft-core porn. You can tell from the lines spouted off by these morons that they tried way too hard to make a tongue-in-cheek movie, but it just makes you want to stab a knife into your ear. It sucks a hard one. Watch a horror movie or watch a porno. Leave this on the shelf.

Best line: "George W. Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president, taking Florida, which due to a glitch in the Jeb B voting terminals, tallied one single vote for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger. Bush's presidency was unanimously declared legally binding by the Supreme Court as well as "totally cool" by Supreme Justice Jenna Bush who subsequently set in motion another Supreme Kegger. Following the landslide victory, a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented. Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress, claiming it was "cramping his style." American Troops continue to be strung thin due to the still raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska."

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

This is where it all began. It's the one that started it all. It's kind of like the first one, that started biting and spreading the infection. A group of people hide from the living dead in a farmhouse. Even to this day, Living Dead stands the test of time. It's still creepy as hell, with the classic black and white adding to the scare. This flick frightened people to death back in the day, and though may seem a bit cheesy today, is pure nostalgia now. Actually, along with Dawn of the Dead, this movie features the best and most realistic cast. I'll give Romero tons of credit for his early work. He did some amazing, creative things. I just don't approve of how everyone believe he created the undead and is the final authority on the definition of a zombie. But it's not his fault people are ignorant. If anything, Mary Shelley created the first zombie. Anyway, if you haven't seen the original, check it out.

Best line: "Well...the television said that's the right thing to do."

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

This is the second in Romero's Dead series and the best, in my opinion. A group of people barricade themselves inside of a shopping mall after the outbreak starts to spread throughout the state. During its time, Dawn was incredibly gory and caused many people to become sick in theaters. Today, it doesn't really stand the test of time. But what does is the background social commentary, which Romero has always been known for. It's not as subtle as some claim, unless most people are just too stupid to pick up on it (which I fear may be the case), but at least it's not as preachy as his later works. Dawn is definitely one of the greats in the zombie movie fare. It's an essential to your DVD library.

Best line: "When there's no room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth."

Day of the Dead (1985)

An outfit of soldiers take refuge in a military bunker in a now overrun California. This is the third movie in the Romero series, and not quite up to par to its previous Dawn of the Dead. Here, we see zombies beginning to get "smarter" and Romero feeding us more of his philosophical views of humanity in the background. This time it's less about "are we really any different than they are?" and "do we deserve to be saved?" and more along the lines of "no matter how small of a civilization is left, power will corrupt." The intelligent dialog from the first two movies is gone, and now all we have left is a bunch of ignorant soldiers written by a man that thinks the word "fuck" said five hundred times adds to the shock value of his outdated gore make-up. No offense to Day lovers, but it's incredibly overrated. The zombie crocodile at the beginning was cool, but not enough to save the movie. It's average at best.

Best line: "We're bein' punished by the Creator. He visited a curse on us. Maybe He didn't want to see us blow ourselves up, put a big hole in the sky. Maybe He just wanted to show us He's still the Boss Man. Maybe He figure, we gettin' too big for our britches, tryin' to figure His shit out."

Land of the Dead (2005)

The last remnants of mankind live in and around a skyscraper in Pittsburgh (of all places) and sometimes venture out to surrounding towns to collect supplies. But one of the soldiers wants to live in the skyscraper, but Dennis Hopper won't let him. So, he steals a big truck and holds the building hostage, for five million dollars. Brilliant. This is the fourth movie in Romero's Dead series, and the absolute worst. Zombies distracted by fireworks, but not even so much as look up when flashlights are shown on them? There's poor acting and dialog, and it's insanely boring. Once again, we have zombies learning how to use knives and guns, only this time they're practically people. Romero's zombies have always been slow moving and decaying. A decaying brain doesn't learn anything. I guess most people miss this. Of course, this is all just Romero asking us if we're really any different than they are. Are the corporate clones sitting in cubicles any different than wooden zombies? Are we any better than they are? Are we going to stop paying for shitty movies with overinflated budgets and bad subliminal messages from a man running out of ideas? Guess not.

Best line: "How do you work this thing?" "It's just like a video game."

Diary of the Dead (2008)

This is about a group of film students, making a horror movie, traveling across the country after an outbreak of zombies. I have to give kudos to Romero for finally trying something different with his Dead movies, though Diary is too preachy for its own good. Just like Blair Witch, Cloverfield, and [REC], it's tries for that realistic effect of having people hold the camera, but where Diary fails is with unrealistic actions by clichéd 2-dimensional characters. I know that if my girlfriend was in another room, and she screamed, I wouldn't just stand there because I was waiting for the camera to charge. Unless I didn't like my girlfriend. Still, it's slightly better than Land of the Dead, though I guess that's not saying much. The Death of Death is an interesting concept, but wasn't explored as well as it could have been.

Best line: "Out there we're lunch. In here there is a steel reinforced panic room where we can sit and play Nintendo until this whole thing blows over."

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

A remake of Romero's Dawn, and a worthy one at that. Actually, I'm one of the few who feel that it surpasses the original. In Zach Snyder's version we have fast zombies, that they never call actually zombies, better acting, better violence, better dialog, improved characterization, less social commentary (because no one wants to listen to opinions on one man's perception of mankind's oversaturated violence while watching the most violent movie ever made), and the single greatest opening fifteen minutes to a horror movie...ever. Ever. I consider this movie to be equally as good as 28 Days Later, making those two the best zombie movies you can find. This movie is well loved by most horror fans, but it's still extremely underrated. If you haven't seen this yet, then I'm sure you'll be the first to die during the outbreak. And I won't feel sorry for you one bit, because I warned you.

Best line: "Hey, I'm sorry, excuse me...when you two fellas are done blowing each other, maybe Davy Crockett could tell us the deal here?"

Day of the Dead (2008)

Technically it's just a remake, and not a sequel of Zach Snyder's remake, which is the direction they should have gone in. Basically, it's the same old clichéd story: experiments gone wrong, and got loose, and the military steps in to quarantine the town and fight the infection. It starts at the hospital, which is actually the film's best scene and goes down hill from there, in both ways. There's a few minor stars, but their acting reeks, which doesn't get any help from the shitty script. The action is top notch, but the special effects are average. Once again, we have fast zombies, but now, apparently, they can crawl on ceilings and do back flips. One thing I did find interesting was giving the zombies some small memory of their former lives, making the prime example one of the soldiers being a vegetarian when he was alive, and having no interest in eating people once he turned. I don't think I've ever seen that before, good or bad.

Best line: "Why do white people always wanna split up?"

Slither (2006)

This horror/comedy has a lot of B-movie stars, and becoming-A-movie star Elizabeth Banks. It's a little like Undead, in the sense that it's more action and horror than comedy, but it's still there. Actually, most of the best lines come from the foul-mouthed town mayor. The story isn't very original, but it's not meant to be: alien slug-like creatures take control of the town, turning them into zombie-like creatures. To be honest, it's been a while since I've seen this one, and can't remember all of the details of the story. I do remember that it's just good, crappy fun. Like I said, the dialog is the best feature. I'll have to watch this one again.

Best line: "Where is the Mr. Pibb? I told your secretary to pack Mr. Pibb. It's the only Coke I like. Goddamn Brenda exploding like a water balloon, worms driving my friends around like they're goddamn skin-cars, people are spitting acid at me, turning you into cottage cheese, and now there's no fucking goddamn Mr. Pibb?"

A zombie film guide, part 1 (of 4).

2009-01-25T21:20:00.004-05:00

I just had a massive zombie movie marathon weekend, watching about seven or eight that I hadn't seen before. So I was inspired to make a list. Here is part one of four of every zombie movie I've ever seen, with a small review and trailer for each. Each list will have 10 movies. I’ve got three more to watch before I finish part 4, which will put the total around 38 zombie movies. If you want to prepare for the coming zombie apocalypse, you'll need these as reference to continue your existence. You have everything here: slow zombies, fast zombies, virus-infected zombies, military experiment zombies, alien zombies, alien-created zombies, zombie pets, and even zombie sheep. These are in no particular order of preference. So, get your shotgun and machete, and get your fifth of whiskey, kick back, read some reviews, and prepare for the era of the undead:

Versus (2000)

The story isn't important. Trust me. As simple as it is, it's still confusing. But the basics are: an eternal prisoner escapes into a forest, that somehow resurrects the dead yakuza buried there, and his eternal evil twin has an eternal woman hostage, whom the prisoner loved in a former life, and they must battle. Yeah. But that was all just an excuse so that the filmmakers could make one of the most badass martial arts movies with no budget, and that's what it is. Most of these actors aren't actors. They're martial artists. You'll see shit that you couldn't do if you trained everyday for the next twenty years. And that's all this is meant to be: eye candy. It's all a fun ride, and easily the best low budget movie I own. One downside is that the zombies still use guns and knives, though they never technically call them zombies or explain why they are back from the dead (ie. evil spirits).

Best line: "You can't hit me! I have five hundred times faster reflexes than Mike Tyson!"

28 Days Later (2002)

This takes place in London, twenty-eight days after the initial out break occurs. Don't listen to Romero zombie elitists. Their argument is that a fast zombie isn't a zombie, and a zombie can't be "infected". It has to be undead. The problem is that Romero didn't create zombies, which they seem to believe. This is, in fact, arguably the best zombie movie to date. It's the most realistic, in the sense that it presents the idea that it could be a viral infection, and the characters are actually developed for a change, giving them intelligence enough to make logical decisions. You also can't ignore the fact that fifty infected people charging at you at top running speed isn't scary as hell. The suspense-filled last half an hour has yet to be topped in any zombie movie. This movie will prepare you for the coming zombie apocalypse better than almost any other.

Best line: "No, no. No, see this is a really shit idea. You know why? Because it's really obviously a shit idea."

28 Weeks Later (2007)

The follow-up to the amazing 28 Days Later takes place six months later. The U.S. Army steps in to help facilitate repopulating London, but, of course, it goes wrong. While this is slightly more of an action movie, the great suspense and horror established in the first movie still remains. Acting is still top notch, the story and dialog is still better than 95% of most horror, and you just can't go wrong with Rose Byrne. You can tell the production value is better than Days, and it pays off. You lose a little less of the characterization, but not much. It's barely a step down from its predecessor, and still well worth checking out. I look forward to the next one, if they still plan on making it.

Best line: "I don't see him, where is Fester Fuck nut?" "There, look, bald guy with his dick in hands on the 20th floor."

Automaton Transfusion (2006)

It's the usual. The military conducted experiments in a small town during Vietnam, to create soldiers that never tire or weaken. Then they got loose. Some teenagers band together and try to fight the undead. It was filmed in nine days and on around $10,000. And it shows. It's terrible. There are so many inconsistencies, such as zombies with super strength, and then some that can't knock down a door. As bad as the movie is, it was made by people who were probably film students and never took it too seriously. Which means goods things came about. I enjoyed the fact that they put almost every zombie movie cliché all into one movie: a group of four people - three guys and one girl, baseball bats, chainsaws, shotguns, parents turning and then attacking their kids, military experiments, hold up in a bar, hold up in a barn, hold up in a house in the woods, girls falling, jocks, nerds, cheerleaders, and a token black guy. The greatest scene? A zombie punches through a pregnant girls stomach, pulls out the fetus, then eats it.

Best line: "To be continued..."

Black Sheep (2006)

A man tries to genetically engineer his sheep in New Zealand. It goes wrong. That's about it on the story. But this is meant to be a horror/comedy, so you can't ask for much. Actually, I was looking forward to this movie for some time, thinking it might be on par with the likes of Shaun of the Dead or Undead. Unfortunately it wasn't. It could have been so much better. It still had its humorous scenes, but I think they tried too hard in some parts, and missed great opportunities in others. It's still worth the rental, but don't expect a great comedy.

Best line: "I thought you of all people would appreciate efforts to deconstruct the colonialist paternalistic agrarian hierarchy that disenfranchises the Tangata Whenua and erodes the natural resources of Aotearoa."

Aunt Rose (2005)

Three criminals hold up in a family's house, who they hold hostage, and kill a few. But they overlook one, sickly Aunt Rose, upstairs. After they off a few of the family, Rose "revives" them to wreck havoc on the criminals. This movie is abysmal. It's terrible. The acting is atrocious, borderline sinning. And the movie as a whole is so incredibly boring that your own suicide seems a bit adventurous. The only redeeming feature of all this? B-movie scream queen Raine Brown's pretty face graces this piece of shit...until she dies halfway through and becomes a zombie. Fortunately, this movie doesn't ever try to take itself seriously at all, so laughing at it is necessary to finish it, before you finish yourself.

Best line: None.

House of the Dead (2003)

Some teenagers go to an island for a rave party, and find zombies instead. This is the single worst film I can recall watching. I know people toss that around a lot, but I mean it when I say it. I've seen a movie where Santa Clause battles Martians, I've seen a movie were two giant snakes fight each other, and I've seen a movie where the devil tried to stop Christmas, and none of them were as bad as Uwe Boll fucking up an already shitty video game. The man has tainted everything he's ever touched, but his first is still his worst. This movie is so bad that it's offensive. This man needs assassinated, just for the sake of credibility to man. Worst of all, he firmly believes his works are art. It would be like Ed Gein saying he was just trying to do some good in the world. The dialog is the best part though. I really can't even tell if it was written intentionally bad or not, as seen below:

Best line: "You did all this to become immortal. Why?" "To live forever!"

Dead & Breakfast (2004)

A group of friends, on their way to a wedding, get lost and stay at an inn. The innkeeper has a special box that can resurrect the dead, using an evil spirit. It can't really decide if it wants to be a zombie flick or a slasher flick or a comedy. Sometimes it's not any of those three, and it's just boring. Definitely the highlights are the interspersed scenes of the band Zacharia and the Lobos Riders, a creation of lead singer Zach Selwyn, occasional anchor on G4's Attack of the Show. It's folk/rock with witty lyrics, and they easily steal the show. Actually, his band is playing in a barn, and they even become zombies themselves. The movie itself has its humor, and the gore and action is actually well done, even feature my favorite horror cliché (started by Carrie and perfected with The Descent) of an enraged blond chick somehow being covered in a massive amount of blood and kicking ass.

Best line: "Had I known it was going to feel this good to bash your brains in, I would have done it a long time ago."

Undead (2003)

A fishing village in Australia is overrun by zombies, and an ex-fisherman who encountered a zombie fish a few years ago has stocked up and trained for the coming zombie invasion. This is a horror/comedy and one of the few that got it right. It's more action than Shaun of the Dead, but still funny as hell. You've got a lot of the mainstream zombie staples, like shotguns (triple barrel, actually), decapitations, panic room in the basement of someone who knew it was coming, and slow moving zombies. But this time around, you've got aliens and a halfway decent subplot. The dialog is subtle and witty and the ending is actually good (rare in a horror movie). It's definitely underrated and practically unknown, but well worth your money. Buy it.

Best line: "I'll fuckin' finish you off faster than a fuckin' birthday cake at a fat chick's fuckin' birthday party!"

Planet Terror (2007)

A biological gas is accidentally released turning a bunch of people into zombies. A group of people band together and try to stop them. This was half of the Grindhouse duo of movies released, this being Robert Rodriguez's answer to the 70's exploitation era, and was just as fun as I thought it would be. The special effects are top notch, the dialog is cheesy, and the characters are great. It's so over-the-top that it's a blast. Seriously. There's a lot of cameos, including Bruce Willis, since Rodriguez has a hell of a lot of friends. It's too bad that Grindhouse didn't do better at the box office, but that doesn't take away from the movie at all. It's a popcorn flick perfected, and that's all it was ever meant to be. It's probably the most fun I've had watching a movie in years. It's not brain fodder, so don't expect it to be.

Best line: "Tony, if anyone comes up to the car, I want you to shoot them. Just like in your video games: shoot them in the head." "What if it's dad?" "Especially if it's your dad."

I'm the monster. I'm the villain.

2009-01-19T21:40:00.007-05:00

The problem with the Broadway musical turned film "Repo! The Genetic Opera"? Half the people going to see it are fans of its creators' other projects (as in "Saw") and the other half are going to see a cheesy old opera. But what they're seeing is both, and so most of them aren't happy. Even its own studio, Lionsgate, doesn't seem to like it. Apparently the final version is missing around twenty minutes of additional footage the directors were forced to cut. Lionsgate said this movie would have no audience, and refused to put up the money for a wide release. So the cast and crew (even Paris Hilton herself) went on a "tour" with the movie, playing it in a few big cities. Now, three of the 58 songs featured in the movie (yes, 58) are potential nominees for an Academy Award. The songs that could get nominated are "Zydrate Anatomy", "Chase the Morning", and "Chromaggia". I'm very unhappy with Lionsgate right now, whom I usually respect for making movies that aren't the usual shit most people are content with choking down everyday.

Every few years, I get this feeling about a movie that I see a trailer for, that I know is going to amaze me, and I obsess over it until I see it. About nine months ago, I saw the trailer for Repo! and knew I was going to love it. But because of Lionsgate, I wasn't able to even see it until the day before its release on DVD. It was well worth the wait. I'm actually glad I made the top 10 movie list of 2008 before having seen this, because it would have screwed the list up. It's completely different than my top favorites, but it's equally deserving of being considered a top film of last year. I really can't praise it enough. There are, of course, cons to all of the pros, but they're minimal.

It was made on only 8.5 mil, took years to get off of the ground, and got scenes cut, but in the end, the directors got the final say, and they wouldn't change one damn thing for the studio. It's their vision, untainted by the Hollywood corporation. I usually hate musicals, so I couldn't possibly be biased about this movie in any way. And it's a rated-R opera, starring Ogre from Skinny Puppy, Sarah Brightman, and Paris Hilton. Hell, that combination is all you need. Rent it tomorrow. Or buy it.

People in line at one of the "tour" theaters. No audience indeed:

Best 10 movies of 2008.

2009-01-12T22:16:00.004-05:00

Yeah, a lot of sites do it. Top 10 list of the previous year. And a lot of sites suck. So, here's my list of the best 10 movies of last year, with trailers for each one just in case you don't know what the movie is all about. There's no sense in writing any kind of review for them. If I didn't like them, they wouldn't be on the list. A lot of people said movies in 2008 sucked, so I just felt the need to prove them wrong. Unfortunately I haven't seen 'The Reader,' 'Revolutionary Road,' 'Valkyrie, or 'Repo! The Genetic Opera' yet, so this list is as good as it gets. I did my best to put them in 1-10 order, but that's always debatable. It also doesn't mean the last few suck either. It's a top 10 list.

1. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2. The Dark Knight

3. Let the Right One In

4. The Fall

5. The Wrestler

6. Gran Torino

7. Slumdog Millionaire

8. Shotgun Stories

9. Forgetting Sarah Marshall

10. Cloverfield

That's the list. The top two could easily be switched back and forth. It's not important though. But what is important is that only one of those movies (The Dark Knight) was in the top 10 grossing movies of 2008. That means a lot of people are watching a lot of shitty movies. But now that I made a list for you to learn from, you can do a little better this year.

Between cages at a retard zoo.

2009-01-02T13:57:00.005-05:00

Let me first start off by saying that the belief that on December 21, 2012 the world will end is a New Age belief, which really isn't very in tune with also believing in Christianity. There are actually just as many people, who believe in New Age, that think mankind will be "elevated to a higher level" on this date, instead of ending. Not that I care what that even means.

Here's another fact: despite the Mayan calendar ending on this date, it was never once written that it was the end of civilization. Did you realize that there are actually modern Maya communities in Guatemala? But then I guess they don't use calendars, since their old ones ran out of days, right?

In fact, there are multiple Mayan calendars, some even used today. One calendar had 260-days, one had 365, another had 52, and 20, and one was even 13-days long. Each was simply a cycle that repeated. They tracked Venus on a 584-day cycle. But most interesting of all was their calendar that was a total of 819-days, which repeated "sets of 9- and 13-day intervals associated with different groups of deities, animals and other significant concepts." A calendar associated with their own gods. And you people think they also predicted the end of the world? I don't think God would be too happy with you if he heard that.

Hell, here's how advanced they were. They never had anything comparable to a leap year. Why is this so significant? Because you're all relying so much on the Mayan mathematics for this date. Basically, "the Haab' (Maya version of the 365-day calendar) was crude and inaccurate, since it treated the year as having 365 days, and ignored the extra quarter day in the actual tropical year. This meant that the seasons moved with respect to the calendar year by a quarter day each year, so that the calendar months named after particular seasons no longer corresponded to these seasons after a few centuries."

Here's food for thought. Let's assume that they actually did make a prophecy about 2012 being the end. To this day, we are still not one hundred-percent sure how the Maya civilization was destroyed/destroyed itself. And that was in the past, which we can study. But you believe that people who had slaves, made human sacrifices, and probably destroyed themselves with corruption of power could see into the future almost a millenia, but not well enough to foresee their own downfall? Makes perfect sense.

2012 is bullshit. Please stop spewing it.

And boycott Roland Emmerich's next piece of shit movie. You're only encouraging other stupid people. This is the same man that brought you: Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla (1998), Stargate, and 10,000 BC. His movies are rooted completely in facts, right? I do love how 2012 practically claims it's true though. Do what Emmerich says, Google it. Two minutes later you'll realize he's full of shit. It's just Hollywood banking off your retardation and mass hysteria.

Tonight I single out Billy Corgan.

2008-12-13T23:39:00.006-05:00

"In an interview with the Chicago Tribune, Billy Corgan expressed his interest in becoming a band that only releases singles from now on. Talking about 'Zeitgeist', he says, 'We're done with that. There is no point. People don't even listen to it all. They put it on their iPod, they drag over the two singles, and skip over the rest.' He adds, 'Our primary function now is to be a singles band that drives Pumpkins Inc through singles. We'll still be creative, but in a different form.'"

Shit. What the hell is happening to music? Am I the only one noticing? It's almost as if this idea of digital music instead of hard copies is completely confusing musicians, and the only way that they can contend with the future is to go pop. More and more, I think Tyler is onto something here. So I'll quote one of his (and now my) favorite bands, Enter Shikari: "Look what you've done to yourself. Yeah, you've lost the will to do what's right again."

I, for one, actually enjoyed 'Zeitgeist' very much. So I'm not stuck in the past, too much. But I can't deny the Pumpkins were in their glory days during 'Mellon Collie' and 'Adore'. Corgan seemed to have more inspiration then, before Zwan and before his solo effort (both of which weren't too bad really). But it was also before he completely pissed off two of the other three band members. The Smashing Pumpkins died May 2000. Since then it's just been Billy Corgan Inc. And though I respect him as an artist, his ego could cover the world over (which normally I'd respect, except when you drive away a hot bassist like D'arcy).

Hey, Corgan: "Go tell all your friends that this is the end."

Why I hate the 80's.

2008-11-28T21:40:00.007-05:00

I hate the 80's because not all of its pop icons are dead yet. Remember back when I wrote about washed-up, 80's soft-core rock dick Axl Rose preparing to finally release his 'long-awaited' CD, 'Chinese Democracy,' which makes no sense at all? Yeah, I almost forgot about that special event too. I almost forgot about disgusting Dr. Pepper's bet too:

"In March the manufacturer made headlines by saying it would give out cans of its 123-year-old soft drink if the album, “Chinese Democracy,” came out by the end of the year. That was by no means a sure proposition, since Mr. Rose had failed to meet so many deadlines over the years that the album had become the music industry’s most notorious (and expensive) shaggy-dog story."

Yeah, a few weeks ago I downloaded it and after two songs, I deleted the entire CD off my computer. But now I just read that "it took Axl Rose 14 years to complete the latest Guns N’ Roses album. But it took his lawyers only two days to take Dr Pepper to task for not making good on a promise of free soda to “everyone in America” in celebration. On Sunday the album was finally released, and Dr Pepper gave fans 24 hours to go to its Web site for a coupon redeemable for a can of soda; so many did that the site crashed, and the deadline was extended to Monday.

On Tuesday his lawyers sent a harshly worded letter to the soft drink maker complaining of its “appalling failure to make good on a promise it made to the American public,” and demanding a public apology, more time for thirsty fans, and payment for piggybacking on the “Chinese Democracy” publicity."

What in the crap? I guess some thousands of people actually wanted (free) Dr. Pepper. I'll be damned. Or maybe Dr. Pepper's bandwidth sucks. You choose. But you gotta love that dick's ego. When is he gonna realize that he had no talent 20 years ago, and his only real fans were 15 year old girls who wanted to fuck him?

Even if you ignore his shitty attempt at singing, he looks (and looked) like he just came off a 3 week binge of vodka, Big Macs, meth, and sloppy sex with hookers (who might not even all be female). If Lynyrd Skynyrd is king of white trash, and Kid Rock is prince, Axl is the court jester. But it's just our luck he's not the mime. Fuck Axl. Fuck GNR. And fuck Dr. Pepper. Oh, and if you bought 'Chinese Democracy,' fuck you too.

(I’m so glad my high school and Ivy Tech art classes paid off. Actually, I just realized I'm terrible at drawing dicks. That's a good thing.)

In a completely unrelated note, I'm going to post this:

LIGHTS - Drive My Soul (official music video)

$10 to the first person who names what movie this is inspired by. And be honest, no cheating. Don't go look it up, you prick.

Funniest fucking thing I've ever heard.

2008-11-22T18:39:00.002-05:00

"An Indiana State Police trooper is being credited with saving a Lafayette donut shop, after noticing it on fire early this morning as he was passing. The trooper busted a glass door and put out the flames with a fire extinguisher.

According to a release from Indiana State Police, Trooper Ryan Winters had just finished inspecting a semi at the Knight's Inn on Indiana 26 around 1:49 a.m., when he noticed flames at the nearby Krispy Kreme donut shop at 4030 State Road 26 East as he was driving away.
Winters notified dispatchers, then busted out the front glass door to see if anyone was inside. The business was closed and nobody was inside.

According to the release, Winters grabbed a fire extinguisher and put out the fire that had started in the kitchen area."

Everyone who despises cop/donut jokes just choked on these words harder than a dick. The best part is that this was probably the most work he did all week long. He's not even a firefighter or anything. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you have your priorities straight and a real motive to act, isn't it? Motherfucker.

Simple life.

2008-11-16T21:24:00.004-05:00

I miss playing Shingen the Ruler. And Klax. And Conquest of the Crystal Palace. I miss spending countless hours in front of the shitty-ass TV Kevin and I had in our room, (not) watching the hours pass by while we kicked the shit out of Lich and Kary in Final Fantasy, showed Bald Bull who's boss in Punchout!, and ran our asses off on the GamePad, hopping hurdles in Track & Field II.

I miss playing Super C, and Super Mario Brothers, and Tecmo Super Bowl with my father, brother, cousins, and friends, and letting those pixels teach me all about life. I miss Defender II, Lifeforce, Mega Man 2, Metroid, Dr. Mario, and Tetris. I miss smashing my controllers and shouting about how my games cheat. So what the hell happened? I miss my 8-bit life.

Fuck.

Fuck penance.

2008-11-14T19:15:00.003-05:00

I don't really have the will or patience (or maybe creativity) to write anything funny about this. I'll just post the funny parts and let you laugh at that instead:

A Catholic priest in South Carolina has decided that the democratic act of casting a vote is, in some cases, a mortal sin. Therefore, he has decided that parishioners who voted for Barack Obama are not entitled to the grace of Jesus Christ through communion until they've done penance.

"Persons in this condition should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation."

I knew this shit wouldn't stop after the elections were over.

Damnit all to fuck.

2008-11-06T00:58:00.003-05:00

I can't find a working torrent of Repo! anywhere. Fucking movie's only playing in six theaters too. Gonna be waiting a fucking while it seems. Anyway, here's a nice little vid of the badass Paris Hilton. Tell me she's not hot. Seriously.

Here's my braless support.

2008-11-04T18:12:00.016-05:00

This is not the "single, greatest, and most influential moment of my life." Sorry. Most people seem to have some kind of neurological condition that forces them to believe that any and every event that occurs in their lifetime is something spectacular compared to the last five billion years of Earth's history, and that these events will be remembered for years and years.

If an average American was assigned the task of writing a history book, chronologically describing America's past based upon their own knowledge, there would be very little in the book other than the happenings within their own lives. And that's why people think that anything notable that happens in their short, miserable lives eclipses every other event in history: they're too ignorant and apathetic to research and learn on their own. But, they do get to vote. Makes sense to me.

Happy Election Day, or whatever. I voted this year too. Well, I voted by not voting. See, I think Bush needs another four years. It's not that he deserves it or anything. He was just really onto something: peace through annihilation. He's such a horribly underrated man of our time. He just forgot a few hundred other countries. But he does still have a few months left in his term. Let's hope he doesn't get lazy in the home-stretch. This is no time to start slacking off. Let the bombs fall and don't forget to save a few for us.

Update: Obama won. I'll give it to him. He did a hell of a job. But guess how much Indiana helped him out? Here, I'll circle the state on the map in case you idiots don't remember where we're located:

23 flavors that all resemble shit.

2008-10-24T20:28:00.008-04:00

The 'vice president of marketing' for a soda company made a bet with a band that was popular twenties years ago that they'd never release the album that's been seventeen years in-the-making. Unfortunately, Dr. Pepper lost to Guns N' Roses, and now on November 23, every man, woman, and child can get a coupon for a free can of the shittiest cola in existence.

And while you're at it, pick up the shitty CD (Chinese Democracy), too. And yes, I've heard it. I downloaded it, listened to two songs, deleted it, and then took a shower. Wallowing in that shit for ten minutes made me feel sad and dirty. But then I felt like Axl: all washed-up.

"Coupons will be available for 24 hours, starting at 12:01 a.m. Eastern Time on Nov. 23, 2008. Allow 4-6 weeks for coupon to arrive. Coupons will expire on Feb. 28, 2009. Limit one coupon per person." 4-6 weeks and a limit to one per person based on the fact that there's not currently enough Dr. Pepper in the world to cater to the 300 or 400 people who will actually redeem their coupons.

"So get out your straws and chill those glasses, kids — the Dr will be in your fridge soon, all thanks to Mr. Axl Rose."

I guess this is all = bad taste x 2. Does anyone remember when Axl Rose wasn't a coke/meth/fuck/dick-head? Yeah, me neither.

'Ten Leagues Beneath Contempt'

2008-10-19T20:32:00.015-04:00

I am the biggest fan of Cradle of Filth I know. That’s how I realized I am so badass. I was listening to Filth in junior high, while I was listening to Third Eye Blind and Sugar Ray. Metallica and Megadeth didn’t introduce me to metal. Dani Filth did.

In late 1997, when I was in 8th grade, just before “Cruelty and the Beast” was released, I stumbled upon the mp3 of ‘A Gothic Romance (Red Roses for the Devil’s Whore)’ from “Dusk and Her Embrace,” CoF’s second album. It was completely different from what I was listening to at the time, and I became immersed in black metal without really even knowing what metal was. It was before Tool, In Flames, Metallica, Children of Bodom, and Arch Enemy. I downloaded the rest of the album, and even their first album before it, “The Principle of Evil Made Flesh.” I listened to both for the next few months, and purchased “Dusk,” as well as “Cruelty and the Beast” when it released.

Since then, I’ve bought every album; EPs and LPs, all three DVDs, the “Cradle of Fear” movie, shirts, and posters. The only CD I never justified buying was the EP “Vempire or Dark Faerytales in Phallustein,” considering it was $23 for six songs (which I just downloaded instead). I brag about all of this for a reason. ‘True fans’ of Cradle of Filth over the years have drifted from each release since they ‘left’ black metal, and went for a cleaner sound. I’m referring to ‘elitists’ who claim the first album, or first few, of a band are the only worthwhile efforts, and any subsequent attempts are sell-outs.

This is interesting in Cradle of Filth’s case, considering the arguably best effort was in 2003’s “Damnation and a Day,” a concept album based around the devil’s fall from Heaven, his temptation of Man, and the events following. “Damnation” featured "the 40-piece Budapest Film Orchestra and 32-piece Budapest Film Choir and is partly based on John Milton's epic poem 'Paradise Lost.'” Definitely sold-out.

Ignoring the fact that they could simply keep “Prinicple” or “Dusk” in their CD players, they continue to bash each release more and more without giving any of it a chance. Ironically enough, some of Filth’s best work musically has been the ones that come under so much fire: “Midian,” “Damnation,” Nymphetamine,” and “Thornography,” the latter being the most recent and the most hated. So it’s no surprise that “Godspeed on the Devil’s Thunder,’ which releases at the end of this month is already despised by these cunts who claim to be fans of metal.

So I downloaded the torrent for it today. I still buy good music, like today, when I bought Amon Amarth’s newest, “Twilight of the Thunder God.” So fuck off. I wasn’t really sure what to expect, because it’s true that their sound has been changing lately, but that’s not to say that it’s horrible or it’s not metal. What I found out for myself was that “Godspeed” is the best music they’ve put out since “Damnation.”

“Godspeed” is a concept album, “based on the life of the infamous 15th century French nobleman, Giles de Rais, who fought alongside Joan of Arc and accumulated great wealth before becoming a serial killer, sexual deviant and Satanist.” Concept albums are well-known to Filth: “Cruelty” being based on Elizabeth Bathory, “Midian” being based around Clive Barker’s work, and like I mentioned before, “Damnation” being based around the devil’s fall to earth.

Just like some of their previous work, many songs feature the voice of Doug Bradley of “Hellraiser” fame, having him narrate the story while playing Giles, who the music is based upon. Without having all of the lyrics to the CD yet, I can still say “Godspeed” has some amazing penmanship, which is where Filth has always shined. Few can match Dani's singing abilities either. Musically, it compares best to their last effort of “Thornography” with the (somewhat) recent addition of Rosie Smith’s keys easily noticeable. My personal favorites from the album are ‘The Death of Love,’ ‘The 13th Caesar,’ and ‘Darkness Incarnate,’ but then again, I rarely dislike too many of their songs.

So in summary, fuck most Cradle of Filth fans, except me, and if you’ve never given them a chance before, you could. But I doubt that if you’ve never heard them before that it’s you’re kind of music. I hear Oasis has a new album out finally. Just go listen to that instead. “I saw the silver lining hidden in a mushroom cloud.”

"Godspeed on the Devil's Thunder" comes out October 28th. To hold you over, here's a guy playing a piano solo version of 'Cruelty Brought Thee Orchids' from the "Cruelty and the Beast" album:

A version of past events.

2008-10-12T17:38:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, North Korea was taken off of the 'terrorist blacklist' after the North agreed to a series of steps in disarming its nuclear capabilities. "North Korea's Foreign Ministry said it will again allow inspections by the United States and International Atomic Energy Agency at its Yongbyon nuclear complex to verify the disablement process, pledged under a disarmament-for-aid deal with Washington and four other regional powers."

But in the 70s and 80s, eight Japanese were kidnapped by North Korean agents. So, naturally, Japan considers "that the U.S. decision was 'extremely regrettable.' He (Japanese Finance Minister Nakagawa) said that 'abductions amount to terrorist acts.'"

That's funny, because in 1876, Japan forced Korea into foreign trade with the Treaty of Ganghwa. Then in 1895, the Japanese assassinated Korean Empress Myeongseong. By 1910, Korea was militarily occupied by Japan and forced to sign the Japan-Korea Annexation Treaty. In 1919, over 7,000 Korean demonstrators were killed by Japanese police and soldiers. Beginning in 1939, over five million Koreans were forced into labor, and tens of thousands of men were forced into Japanese military. Korean language was suppressed, as well as its culture and artifacts. In 1993, Japanese Chief Cabinet Secretary Kono even acknowledged and apologized for Japan taking female Koreans as "comfort women" during this time.

During World War II, when Japan occupied Korea, the United States fought through South Korea and pushed the Japanese soldiers (and Koreans that were forced to fight) all the way to the border of China. This was done by Macarthur against President Truman's orders. The Chinese, fearing an invasion by the US, helped the Koreans and pushed back the US to the center of Korea, thus the creation of North and South Korea. The US installed a puppet government in the South (a supposed 'democratic-republic') and Russia installed their own government in the North (communist). The Cold War came into effect in the 50s and 60s, and the decades that went by created more and more of a rift between the two Koreas. It all puts a whole new perspective on our view of North Korea, doesn't it? Or Japan? Or us? I love how each country has its own version of history.

Also, "in August, North Korea backed out of negotiations with Japan aimed at resolving the abductee issue. If the issue is resolved to Japan's satisfaction, the government has said it would give North Korea as much as $10 billion in reparations for colonial occupation between 1910 and 1945." So, unless the North resolves the issue of eight Japanese, the millions of Koreans that died will never be apologized for, apparently. What a beautiful world.

Paris gets some fake advice.

2008-10-12T12:16:00.007-04:00

I'd still fake vote for her...for real. If you don't think it'd be any less ridiculous than the kind of people we vote for every four years, then you also probably don't realize that you're the problem today.

Fuck these condescending assholes.

2008-10-02T19:22:00.008-04:00

Politicians get paid even when they lie. But technically, actors get paid to lie. Technically.

I generally don't like to base my opinions and beliefs on Hollywood or any of its resident estranged, pretentious whores.

If you want to vote, then vote. If you don't, then don't.

Stop letting movie stars and musicians dictate what to think.

Richmond looks like all Hell broke loose.

2008-09-14T20:46:00.002-04:00

And I'm not talking about trees or power lines.

What the hell is wrong with you people? 50 mph winds, and you'd think we were one step shy of Armageddon. Crazy-ass drivers, fast food lines backed up to the road, and people stockpiling on gas.

I really am baffled as to how we're on the top of the food chain.

Silly monkeys.

It's time to vote.

2008-09-14T01:53:00.010-04:00

In recent news, this “shocking” picture of Jessica Alba in bondage has surfaced from declareyourself.com:

“The new mum posed with her mouth strapped up in bondage-style tape for the campaign, which was shot by celebrity photographer Mark Liddel.”

But, “Jessica wasn’t the only celeb to take part in the shoot – Christina Aguilera also took the opportunity to make a visual statement, by being shot with her mouth seemingly stitched up.”

Even Andre 3000 and La Toya Jackson are pictured with a bowtie in mouth and a spike through both lips, respectively.

I think I know what message they're trying to convey here. I think this presents a truth I wasn’t ready to believe, that we, as a nation, are ready for. I believe now is the time to stand up and make your voice heard. Stand with me and vote to silence celebrities. Go to declareyourself.com and support the squelching of Hollywood.

Let me report the news tonight.

2008-09-09T23:53:00.002-04:00

Evil knows no bounds.

Apparently in Sugar Hill, New Hampshire an old woman, who probably shouldn’t have been driving in the first place, wrecked her car, setting the hag’s vehicle on fire. As if this wasn’t enough, two men violently pulled her frightened body out and attempted to car-jack the old broad with a razorblade. Luckily the car exploded in a great pyre before they were able to take it to use for their drug trafficking or armed robbery or whatever they were planning to do with it. At least, that’s what I got from it when I skimmed through it. I didn’t actually read it, but the title said it all. See for yourself:

http://www.wmur.com/family/17425534/detail.html#-

Ugly baby gets a new home.

In North Bay Village, Florida a “horrid” baby was found in the bushes. Apparently the ugly wretch was justifiably hideous enough for the mother to give her spawn away to the shrubs. The police officers and child service representatives were so appalled by its features that they left it in the bushes and thanked the mother for her effort. The full story’s found here:

http://www.local10.com/news/17429991/detail.html

I’ve never seen anyone move that fast.

In Milwaukee firefighter Lt. Ron Firnrohr (or Fenrir for short) dodged multiple bullets on a routine call for a fender-bender. “This shit ain’t nothing new, “ admitted Fenrir, “comes with the job.” Statistics prove that most fender-benders in Milwaukee end in epic gunfights and firefighters have become so accustomed to dodging them that “when the time comes, they won’t have to.” See for yourself:

http://www.wisn.com/cnn-news/17424850/detail.html

Defeat is something hard to admit.

In New York Melody Gardot has given up on trying to walk, blaming an accident she had when she was 19. Instead of reaching for the stars, which are a few feet farther away from her now, she has decided Plan B ain’t so bad. Using the notoriety of her less-able-ness, Melody (makes sense) figures a singing career is pretty safe, especially considering the gimmick of always wearing sunglasses and that most accidents don’t destroy your voice. Legs can really only take you so far. But a good song lasts 3 or 4 minutes. The quitter’s tale is told here:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/09/04/melody.gardot/index.html

Well, that’s all I skimmed through tonight. The world sure is fucked up.

College presidents vs. the government and MADD.

2008-09-07T15:35:00.002-04:00

I have to say, this is one of the most surprising articles in news that I've read in quite some time:

"In a bold challenge to the decades-old status quo, 129 college presidents have signed a statement calling on elected officials 'to support an informed and dispassionate public debate over the effects of the 21-year-old drinking age.'"

"John McCardell, president emeritus of Middlebury College in Vermont, organized the initiative. Eight presidents helped draft the statement this summer, and the group then invited presidents of all four-year colleges and universities to sign on. He says he'd like to see alternatives considered, such as a license to allow drinking by 18-year-olds who have graduated from high school and have obeyed alcohol laws."

"McCardell acknowledges he can't point to as many studies as MADD does. But the role of a debate is to scrutinize information, he says: 'Anytime somebody tells you that science is entirely on one side of a question, that ought to send up a red flag.' While 15- and 16-year-olds in many European countries with a drinking age of 18 or younger drink more often than their US peers, they have fewer dangerous occasions of intoxication."

I can't say much more than what's in the article already, but I do know that statistics are useless:

"With an average of 4.7 million viewers, the premiere of the second season of 'The Hills' was the most watched program across all of TV for viewers aged 12 to 34 and the highest rated cable telecast of 2008."

People are stupid, and stupid people configure stupid statistics.

A hybrid of both.

2008-08-31T18:39:00.007-04:00

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

It's a slim chance I'm voting this year, or ever, but if I do then I'll be penciling in her name. Especially since she wrote it, said it all without cue cards, and, in the end, could do no worse.

Red party, blue party. You're such a tool.

I need new friends, part 2.

2008-08-31T18:24:00.006-04:00

Make that four openings. Just John and Brooke left now.

Actually, my phone didn't get shut off. I just changed the number and didn't tell any of you.

Assholes.

I need new friends.

2008-08-31T18:23:00.003-04:00

There are currently three openings. The original three assholes have been ousted.

Pay: Offer of free dinner for two of the three friends (same as before).

Requirements: Don't all go out to eat and lie about where you were, when I got back with my food to find no one, after I tried to convince all three of you to eat with me for over an hour.

For further assistance, a good example of what is expected: Brooke, since she stopped by and we went to McDonald's.

Nothing to it really. Send me a resumé.

"You choked off the surest of favors."

2008-08-18T00:55:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I say I might, which means maybe, which means perhaps, which means possibly, and I mean it. Not yes. Not no. Maybe.

Sometimes I say things, even first, and people pretend they didn't hear it.

Sometimes mistakes are made. Socrates drank himself to death.

Sometimes people get so caught up in their crusade that they eventually forget how many people are actually on their side, and might have even started the battle long before they joined. Sometimes people get so lost in what they're fighting for that they keep fighting even after the matter is resolved, and refuse to acknowledge it.

Sometimes people forget what balance is and that the excess of one extreme is unnatural and unhealthy, not to mention unbecoming.

Sometimes sacrifice outweighs selfishness. That's called character.

Sometimes people expect of others. Don't take what you're already getting for granted.

Sometimes I almost drown in the irony.

Sometimes I drink, smoke, listen to pop and folk, feel like going out instead of staying home, feel like partying at home instead of going to bars, love unconditionally, defend good people no one else does, get pissed when friends backstab, put down friends behind their backs, and come to me about problems they have with friends instead of going to them. Sometimes I don't plan for my future, care about public education, or even care about amounting to shit. Everyone around me has known this for as long as they have been friends with me. Why associate with me if any of it bothers you so much? Why associate with other people that you don't approve of? Don't expect others to change for you. You wouldn't do it for them.

This group will continue to dissolve because everyone is guilty. Compromise. Compassion. Loyalty. Forgiveness. Acceptance, if not the love, of faults. Scratch them off the list if you believe you have all of these when you're with friends. But you'll be lying. "Time destroys everything." Even convictions.

We all have high school diplomas now. I think we can all agree we're past that stage in our lives. Fuck these pissing contests. It's fucking tired.

Coddington in ’08.

2008-08-12T23:11:00.008-04:00

I vow to make innovative changes with minimal effort or care. I plan to open up endless possibilities by doing very little, without concern or regard for your well-being. Taking into account the capacity of your feeble minds, allow me to explain my core issues with more detail:

Foreign policy

England: It's been, like, 500 years since we left England, and yet, here we are still living in its shadow. There are an awful lot of English-sounding towns like Oxford, Cambridge, and Manchester in America. Many major cities and states are also prefixed with 'New.' The town names will be renamed, and the cities and states will drop 'New' (i.e. 'New York' becomes 'York'). Furthermore, we will strike back at England and rename their towns with 'New,' thusly resulting in the formation of 'New America.' The common spoken language is also now called 'American.' New America will also be turned into a giant prison for American convicts, kinda like what old England used Australia for in the '50s or some shit.

France: After taking Paris by force using the Trojan Statue of Liberty and a metric fuckton of Navy SEALs, the flag of France will no longer be a blue, white, and red stripe, but simply a white piece of cloth.

Russia: Someone big will kick Putin in the cock, and Russia will eventually be forgotten and fade and die.

All other countries will no longer be drawn on world maps, which are all made in America, of course. Instead, the borders will no longer exist, and in the open space will be written 'undiscovered territory.'

Domestic policy

Considering you are reading this, then you must be mildly interested in electing me as president. And considering you are extremely interested in electing me as president, then you must trust me completely and fully to your capabilities. And by trusting me fully, then you no longer see any reason to have your own freewill or ability to think for yourself. Many 'unnecessary' freedoms will be revoked until further review (never).

Funding for any cure of any means will desist, and all research and advances in health care will be within pain relief. If you can't feel it, it's not there. Pills are good for you. There have been many steps in this direction over the last few decades. No need to back out now.

Education for children is a waste of precious resources. We have many factories that would make them much more useful. A twelve hour day still leaves twelve hours for them to pretend to be happy.

Beer will be served with kids' meals. American children have become weak and fragile. Diamonds are formed under extreme pressure and low temperatures. Not unlike a real man.

The word 'tax' will no longer exist. Instead, 'joyous patriotic gift' will replace it.

Imports will be a thing of the past. We will continue to export though, until the savages in the undiscovered countries no longer buy them with their offerings of oat, painted beads, and bags of rice. Then we will hunt and kill them, rape their women, and give them a holiday celebrating our friendship.

Unemployment and welfare will be demolished. If you can't work, you can't live.

History books are full of lies and very boring. They will be burned and rewritten to include spaceships, cybernetic organisms, and alien whores. The books will also be pop-outs.

Other issues

NASCAR will be a new Olympic sport. The only Olympic sport.

Pickles will no longer be cucumbers. Money will be invested in gene-splicing to create pickle trees.

Moon-shining will not only be legal, but encouraged. And awarded merits for excellence.

The urban dictionary will replace Webster's over-long run. Many words will be forgotten. Eventually even many parts of this list will become illegible, even for those not too dense to understand it now.

I'm not going to sum up the list in the conclusion, or state more reasons why you should vote for me. More than likely, you have already stopped reading because you are completely convinced by my massive intellect and decided to vote for me without needing to even finish. Coddington for President in '08.

Rorschach, my hero.

2008-08-08T21:34:00.007-04:00

I decided to go back and reread 'Watchmen' after seeing the new trailer for the movie. I forgot how much I love the main protaganist, Rorschach. To give you an idea of how badass this guy is, here's some of my favorite quotes from him (of which most are taken from his journal):

Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire thread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"...and I'll look down, and whisper "No."

*****

Soon there will be war. Millions will burn. Millions will perish in sickness and misery. Why does one death matter against so many? Because there is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise in this. But there are so many deserving of retribution...and there is so little time.

*****

No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise.

*****

People must be told. Evil must be punished...

*****

Landlady complaining about smell. She has five children by five different fathers. I am sure she cheats on welfare. Soon it will be dark. Beneath me, this awful city, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children. New York. On Friday night, a comedian died in New York. Somebody knows why. Down there...somebody knows. The dusk reeks of fornication and bad consciences. I believe I shall take my exercise.

They had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of good men like my father, or president Truman. Decent men who believed in a day's work for a day's pay. Instead they followed the droppings of lechers and communists and didn't realize that the trail led over a precipe until it was too late. Don't tell me they didn't have a choice. Now the whole world stands on the brink, staring down into bloody Hell, all those liberals and intellectuals and smooth talkers...and all of a sudden nobody can think of anything to say.

*****

Stood in firelight, sweltering. Bloodstain on chest like map of violent new continent. Felt cleansed. Felt dark planet turn under my feet and knew what cats know that makes them scream like babies in night.

Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves, go into oblivion. There is nothing else.

Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It's us. Only us. Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world.

Was Rorschach.

*****

For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise...and step into the shadow now without complaint.

The will to act.

2008-07-21T19:21:00.004-04:00

After seeing ‘The Dark Knight’ last night, I had a little discussion and exchange of ideas with Lisa about vigilantism and why, more often than not, people do not do the right thing, or do what needs to be done. She asked me why society does not stand up for itself. I thought about it for a moment and said ‘fear’ was the reason. After thinking about it further today, I realized I needed to reevaluate some things I believed.

I used to believe that if pushed hard enough, every man would have his breaking point, and that every act a person took had a catalyst, a motive that would set him in motion to fix what he had been wronged by. I do not think so anymore. It is just easier to accept than it is to change. Fear is much more powerful of a force than hope. People become too afraid and hope someone else has the courage, the determination, or the will to act.

For years I have revered one of the opening lines to ‘The Boondock Saints’ in which the priest says: “Now, we must all fear evil men, but there is another kind of evil which we must fear most of all, and that is the indifference of good men.” But this no longer makes sense to me. Good men have no indifference. Good men do not just believe in good, and thereby become good themselves. Good men do not accept; they change. They do not fear reprisal or condemnation. Inaction is an evil in itself. So, most men are not good.

We all want to prevent tragedy and sorrow, and to stop war, murder, rape, theft, poverty, disease, political corruption, drug trafficking, animal cruelty, eco-terrorism, and inflation, yet no one stands for it. Believing is not a battle with a resolution, and fear gets the best of everyone. That is, if there is a best of us at all. Words have never changed the world, but actions have.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." -Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

We want revolution. We want a change in the tide, and those responsible to be held accountable. Ignoring our own guilt, we hope that this dream will come soon. But I believe the more likely outcome will be that we will turn on each other first. Instead of standing up and taking responsibility, we will lose our morals and ardentness. Instead of demanding restitution and restoration, we will rob and steal from ourselves, and even while we do this, in our desperation and rage we will still blame everyone but ourselves. No one is going to save us. I hope I am wrong, but fear has the best of me.

“When the chips are down, this city will eat itself.” –The Joker

Start filling jugs of water, dipshits.

2008-06-08T00:22:00.004-04:00

"The town of Losantville is without fire protection after the West Union volunteer fire chief and most of the town's firefighters resigned Monday night. Chief David Fisher walked out of a town board meeting, upset that the board expected him to request in writing five days before the monthly meeting any issue that he wanted to discuss. After the meeting, most of the other volunteer firefighters also turned in their radio equipment to the fire station."

Props to these badasses. Firefighters don't ever get the respect that they deserve. People always talk about cops putting their lives on the line, and firefighters rarely get mentioned. Fuck that. I, for one, find this story fucking hilarious. Firemen are always there to help. There's no crooked firefighters, like cops. So fuck Losantville. You bastards can put your own fires out now. Tough shit.

All my dreams died in Lewisburg last night.

2008-05-31T05:19:00.001-04:00

Humid weather and cold wind. Then rain and rolling lightning. Just needed a few beers and I was ready for the tornado. But…nothing. After the storm rocked the shit outta Cambridge, New Castle, and Knightstown, and half-assed its way through Richmond I set out to chase the fucker down. Hoping it'd get stronger after it left the Richmond valley. I caught back up to it in Eaton, hail and all, and was right back in it by Greenville, but by the time I hit Lewisburg it was falling apart. So was I.

Then Bear called on my way back and said a second storm was coming, so I double-timed it back to Richmond, and waited for the sky to tear open at Chuck's. Fucked again. On the other hand, I learned what speed my truck tops out at…and what my career should be. While cloudscapes are badass, I'd much rather have a tornado at night, with a thousand flashlights, and then toss them into it.

Edit: Apparently the reports of a tornado touching down in New Castle and Cambridge were unconfirmed. There was only one confirmed report of a tornado, and that was in Lewisburg...10 minutes before I got there. Nice.

Why I'm so damn smart.

2008-05-02T21:08:00.008-04:00

I learned to drive from Need for Speed III, I learned about politics from Final Fantasy Tactics, military imperialism from Shingen the Ruler, the medical industry from Dr. Mario, business from Lemonade Stand, teamwork from Rainbow Six, how to survive from Resident Evil, and how simple life really can be from The Sims.

Mortal Kombat and Tekken 3 taught me how to fight, Doom and Halo taught me how to shoot, Morrowind taught me reading is fun (and helpful), Uplink taught me patience, and Jet Moto 2 taught me speed. Final Fantasy VII taught me sacrifice, Track & Field II taught me exercise, Total War taught me problem solving, Tomb Raider taught me feminism, Parasite Eve taught me biology, Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball taught me anatomy (haha), and World of Warcraft taught me about addiction.

You claim to have so many better memories than me, saying I spent too much time inside playing video games while you were outside. I think it's the opposite. I was testing my reflexes, hand-eye coordination, and problem solving and reading capabilities. You were playing tag. After its release, I played Final Fantasy VIII fifteen hours straight Levi Coffin weekend. I played World of Warcraft thirty-six hours straight, with Kevin and then Tyler joining in, resulting in me calling into work and Kevin quitting his job.

I remember using spread guns in Super C, solving puzzles in D, killer cows in Diablo 2, building race tracks in Excitebike, saving people from aliens in Defender 2, writing history in Call of Duty, rewriting history in God of War, and helping the Aztecs dominate rival countries in Rise of Nations. You remember staring at clouds and chasing butterflies.

The day kids stop playing video games and go outside is a day to pray for our survival as the dominant creature in the food chain. I learned new words, mathematics, history, science, culture, politics, religion, psychology, and economics through video games, and I had a blast doing it.

Baseball is still baseball. Riding a bike feels the same as it did ten years ago. The sun never changes. The grass is always green and the snow is always white. All four seasons come and go the same time of year every year. But new video games are released every Tuesday. I win.

"Hell is other people."

2008-04-20T20:03:00.004-04:00

Stop using religion as a crutch. In fact, stop talking about it completely. At least around me. You're not going to convert me. You've failed. Give up. Heaven does not have lakes full of crystals, or whatever the fuck you said. There's no ivory/pearl gates and no streets of gold. If heaven does exist, it's not a physical place, you fucking dipshit. And hell doesn't have the heat way up all of the time. Satan does not pay gas bills. The next time some hypocritical, holier-than-thou-art bullshit spews from your mouth, I'm going to shove it back down your throat with my fist. Drinking, cussing, and enjoying violent movies are not sins. But using God's name in vain, wanting to cheat on your fiancé, and lying all are. And not having remorse for those ensures you have a seat in hell, motherfucker. You are not hot shit. You are not an actor. You do not have friends. You will not amount to anything. You are fucking retarded.

Stop using everyone around you. You want to make yourself happy and get on your feet? Do it yourself. Better yet, stop saying you're going to do something and just fucking do it. Enjoy the moment, and stop the excessive bitching. You had a rough day? Boohoo. I don't give a fuck. I'm tired of pretending to. The truth is you're talking to a wall. You don't want/need my advice. And I don't want to hear your story. So go find a tree to talk to. Isn't it about time for you to grow up? You say you're confused, unsure, and trying to find your way. But actually you're just lazy and let others do the work for you. Stop fucking people over.

Stop pushing people around you away. Alienating your family and wondering why they no longer come around is a little puzzle you've made that doesn't have any pieces. You're fucked in the head. Everyone sees it. Stop blaming medicine, stress, and money. You still have your memory. You just play it off like you don't, and choose to remember what you want. You are not Sammy Jankis. You are not Mother Teresa. You're just slipping into senility. By choice.

Just stop. Stop all of it. I am not like you motherfuckers. I never will be. Just leave it alone. I am not your knight in shining armor. I am not your savior or your golden child. I don't care if you're proud or disappointed. I don't care about how your day went, the bills you need to pay, your (bullshit) plans for the future, how you feel about love this week, which ugly bitch you'd fuck if you weren't getting married, or what God would think about all of this. I don't give a fuck. I don't say much when you talk to me, not because I'm listening, but because I'm trying to figure out a way to murder you and get away with it. So stop talking and fuck off. All three of you are full of shit and I see right through it.

"Hell is other people." -Jean-Paul Sartre (No Exit)

Tuesday zombie movie marathon.

2008-03-19T01:43:00.011-04:00

So after work I decided I’d finally go buy ’Black Sheep’. As you can tell by the cover, it’s about zombie sheep in New Zealand. Sounds badass. I figured Hasting’s would have it. But the fuckers didn’t. So I picked up two other zombie movies I hadn’t seen yet instead, and turned my night into a zombie movie marathon. Here’s how it turned out:

1st Movie…

Resident Evil: Extinction

I was hoping for the best with this one. The first was kickass, and though Apocalypse was somewhat disappointing (especially Nemesis), the trailers looked pretty fucking good. I got about the same enjoyment out of it as the second. Nothing spectacular, nothing horrible. It threw in a lot of cool shit, like: zombie birds, a pryo scene that made me think of the Phoenix, and a slight overall feel that reminded me of ’Day of the Dead.’ But I’m tired of this clone kick that everyone in Hollywood seems to be on. It’s fucking tired. And how in the fuck was that mutated scientist supposed to be cool, let alone the main ’boss’ fight at the end? That shit was as fucking pathetic as it gets. Also, why the hell did all 30 people in the band of survivors get out at every stop they made? Oh, so they could kill off everyone from the previous movies and leave an open ending for the next installment which will apparently only have one person in the cast: Alice, one million times over. Good action, good effects, shitty dialog, and piece of shit plot. 3 severed zombie heads (out of 5).

2nd Movie…

Automaton Transfusion

I knew what I was getting into with this one. A low budget and the whole movie filmed in 9 days. I was expecting zero plot, poor acting, but lots of blood and some precision chainsaw-to-the-face combos. It started off like I expected, with a bunch of pansy high school kids like you see in all the clichéd teen flicks. But I knew this was gonna be good about thirty minutes in when a zombie punched through a chick’s stomach, pulled out a fetus, and ate it. Wow. Despite the serious need of more testosterone in these whiny bitches (especially the men), this movie had it all: shotguns, chainsaws, baseball bats, and even brass knuckles. Then the whole movie went to shit in the last 20 minutes with a fucking moronic ending (military-created zombies after Vietnam) and a huge "To be continued…" before the credits rolled. Fucking lame. 2 severed zombie heads (out of 5).

3rd Movie…

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Ok, so after those two (somewhat) shitty zombie movies, I put in one that was already my own that I just couldn’t go wrong with. One of the only good remakes, ever. You can’t go wrong with the same director as ’300’ (and the upcoming ’Watchmen’); same music composer as ’300’, Rob Zombie’s ’Halloween’, and ’Doomsday’; Ving Rhames, and a guy perched on a rooftop sniping celebrity look-a-likes. This movie just kicks fucking ass all around. Romero started this zombie shit. There’s no denying it. But in my mind, this is probably the best it will get. I really don’t need to say more. If you haven’t seen it, you’re fucking bait. And you’re not ready. Because they’re coming. 5 severed zombie heads (out of 5).

"When there’s no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the earth."

Fuck hard liquor.

2008-03-07T14:37:00.003-05:00

I'm done with it. All of it. No more fucking hard liquor for me. This morning about an hour before work I crawled into the bathroom and threw up half a fifth of vodka and Bloody Mary mix, and a few beers. To help paint this beautiful picture much more eloquently for you, some even came out of my fucking nose. I couldn't even tell if some of it was blood or not. So then I cleaned myself up, took a shower, took eight aspirin, and went to work like a fucking soldier.

After holding the rest down and putting up with the bright fluorescent lights and that motherfucker's annoying motherfucking stories and bullshit, I came to the conclusion that I seriously need to fucking stop. No more waking up and forgetting where my truck is. No more throwing up or hangovers. No more drunk dials. No more cleaning up my puke or being carried out of bars. No more fucking road signs. No more Everclear, Jaeger, vodka, scotch, whiskey, absinthe, tequila, and yes, no more rum or 151. I'm out. I'm done. Fuck hard liquor.

But I'm still down for a round of beers. There's no way I'd stop that shit a week before St. Patty's. I'm taking shit easy now. So be prepared.

Fuck my truck.

2008-03-05T16:37:00.004-05:00

So, today, two days after paying a tow bill and for a new tire, which would best be described as blown-the-fuck-open, not flat, I came out to find my back passenger tire locked up from the emergency break. Nothing fucking new. I usually just gunned it and it would kick off, no problems. Not today. Today, instead, I gave it hell and nothing was working, except completely burning my fucking clutch. That worked.

Now I'm paying another tow bill, and over a grand apparently, for the clutch and the new break line. Seems a bit fucking steep to me. Then again, it wouldn't truly be my vehicle until I paid more in repairs in less than two years than what I paid to begin with. It's getting very close to being as great of a vehicle as all of the rest of pieces of shit I've had.

I came up with the idea this morning that I should drive it into a quarry. Then I realized that would be impossible since I can't shift fucking gears. But if I had it towed to the quarry, I could just push the damn thing off. Then I realized that the back wheel was locked up and I couldn't even do that. So my new idea is to set up a stack of bricks and spend all day throwing them at my fucking sorry excuse for a truck. Fuck my truck.

On a side note, some of you fucking assholes are more than welcome to sit in the cab/bed while I throw the bricks. Just a thought. Kill two birds with one stone...

Fuck this blog.

2008-02-24T18:36:00.003-05:00

I've come to realize that all of the trivial things in life really aren't. Nothing is trivial. It all really just adds up to stereotypes and genres that everyone fits into. No one escapes a label. It's sad, but fucking true. If you think you don't, just ask someone who doesn't care what you think. I've come to find that I'm everything I've ever hated. I live in black and white. In extremes. The only line that's truly blurry is the one between pessimism and wisdom. And even that starts to clear after half a bottle of Dark Eyes.

I'm so fucking naïve. I believe in fake honesty. It's my Achilles' heel. And whether people realize it or not, they definitely take it for granted and use it to their own advantage. What the fuck compels people to walk all over me, as if they think they have something to gain by it? A fucking enemy, that's what. Truth be told, I'm full of shit. I give everyone a hard time about their beliefs, test them, and make them question themselves. But when it all comes down to it, some of the few things I believe in, I don't even have. I'm not sure how I could believe in something that I don't have, but I think they call that "blind faith." Meaning I'm a hypocrite.

I'm tired of spending my money on unneeded shit, like $3.00 a gallon for gas and going on long drives just thinking, drinking, and doing absolutely nothing. Like $4.00 beers at bars that I'm fucking sick of. Like the 12-16 cigars I fucking smoke everyday. I pretend I'm not addicted to these things, but I know I fucking am. I'm tired of putting up with people's shit, like listening to stories about how they love to brag about themselves. Like how people enjoy telling me what to do with my life. Like how people pretend to understand "the answers" to the shit I go through when they're worse than I am. I'm tired of shit resurfacing that I thought I was through with. I'm tired of shit haunting me. It's fucking killing me.

I'm tired of my parents pretending to be something they're not, like happy. Like when they act like they're decent role models and try to make me feel ashamed for being young. Like when they think they're responsible without a job, more debt than I can imagine, and don't feel guilty for alienating their own fucking family. I'm tired of their shit.

I'm sick of watching promises get broken. I'm sick of the daily fucking grind and it all amounting to jack shit. I'm sick of drama. It's getting so old so quick. I feel like I never even graduated high school and it's what I get up and go to everyday, like I never even fucking left. I'm sick of these same assholes telling me to grow the fuck up. I'm sick of feeling like my mind is that of an eighty-year-old grouchy asshole who's fed up with life and the bullshit it has to offer. I'm sick of pathetic people telling me I need to do something with my life. But trust me, not being like them is motive enough. If I really need to better myself, the best way would be to distance myself from them.

I'm sick of not having the balls to tell people to just fuck off. Or when I just stand there and listen to their bullshit and I don't kick them in the fucking groin. If I just sit there and listen, they start to think I care what they're saying, instead of a hook to the face, which would really tell them what I'm thinking. Maybe I should stop procrastinating and start fucking some people up. Maybe I should start making an effort.

Sometimes I just want to wash the world in gasoline and flick my cigar from a safe distance to watch it spread, and burn completely. Sometimes.

Well, I'm done getting hammered and being emo for the night, so eat shit.

What I believe in.

2008-01-29T14:34:00.002-05:00

For those who are confused or just never know what the fuck I believe in:

1. Family - My brother and sister have always been there for me. When my parents didn't, I helped raise them. I helped teach them to read, long before I ever did. And even though I never had the twin I was supposed to have, two and a half years later I think I did. My cousin (my other brother) has always been there for me too. His home was our second.

2. Friends - Some old ones and some new ones. Some of the things they've done for me have been more than I ever would have asked for. I consider them family and I'd do the same for them without hesitation. Family and friends probably shouldn't even be two seperate things.

3. Happiness - The kind that you feel deep inside, not fleeting glimpses of temporary joy. I've felt it before. I know it exists. It's simply a choice, which is completely up to me alone. All I have to do is decide.

4. Love - It's not simply given. It has to be earned. All that's really needed is effort. If I have the first three things, then this one comes with time. I've felt enough hate to know love is real. And I've felt this too. Need a deeper meaning to life? Logic is overrated. To feel is why we're really here.

5. Myself - I've never doubted myself. I've never had problems with believing in myself, which I can say with complete honesty. But I've come to realize that I put others above myself in most situations, and it tends to get taken for granted. So I'm taking a different approach. I call it the 'fuck you' method. I think it's going to work out. At the same time, for those who appreciate me, and I know which ones, I won't change. Why let a few selfish cunts fuck it up for everyone else?

I don't believe in much. Life is subjective. But if you find something to believe in, and you understand it completely, then stand true in your convictions. Uncertainty is worse than being wrong.

Beef for dinner, everyday.

2008-01-20T18:16:00.002-05:00

For those not in-the-know, it was recently announced that the FDA “has ruled that it’s safe for meat and dairy manufacturers to use such (cloned) animals as sources for food products. Consumers are wary of the idea of cloned food. But advocacy groups opposed to the use of cloned-source food haven’t come up with a strong reason to stop it. To make sure there isn’t one, any company using cloned animals should label clearly—and monitor what happens as its products go out into the world. Responsible drug companies, toy companies, all sorts of manufacturers do this.”

I don’t know. Comparing a package of cloned hamburger to a Spongebob action figure probably isn’t the best fucking example. Does anyone else think this is one of the most bizarre ideas American fuckheads have come up with in a long time? Sure, this steak is the same as that one, but that doesn’t mean it’s not completely weird. But does that mean we’ll have one fatass cow living in a laboratory that we can just clone over and over? And does that mean we’ll have a shitload more meat to go around, leading to $2.00 t-bones? Fucking doubt it.

“There’s no evidence that cloned food should be prohibited. After all, humans have been eating genetically altered organisms for 10,000 years plus. Wheat, for example, was once a wild grass, cloned and cultivated over hundreds of human generations. Livestock breeding is just low-tech genetic modification. Cows are designer meat and milk factories.”

Good point. We’ve cloned plants, now we’re cloning animals. What else should we be cloning? Can’t have children? Here, we’ll clone mine. Dog got hit by a car? Bring him back. This is so fucking stupid. So, theoretically, if I was a cannibal, could I clone myself and then eat me? Gives new meaning to ‘go fuck yourself.’ I’m personally against cloning because I don’t think we need to be cloning any Americans, since most have shit for brains. Then again, I guess Tyler will never run out of milk again.

"There are more fools in the world than there are people." -Heinrich Heine

Bad whiskey & bad weather.

2008-01-02T16:44:00.002-05:00

I normally like winter and never bitch about the cold. But this shit has got to end. I'm sick of it already. Half-assed snow and stupid fucking people that can't drive. If it's gonna snow, it should be enough for me to enjoy it, ie. can't go to work because I have to dig 6ft down to find my truck. And how in the fuck can you people not drive in 1-2 inches of snow? You live in motherfucking Indiana. You should be used to it by now. Jesus.

So you dumbfucks and Mother Nature got me drinking shitty whiskey to stay warm and calm the fuck down. The next dickhead that pulls out in front of me on 35 when I'm doing 55 is gonna have to think up another New Year's resolution. Cheers, fuckheads.

Merry Christmas, fuckers.

2007-12-22T13:47:00.001-05:00

Just wishing a bit of half-assed holiday cheer. I hope you all get lots of nice, badass, useless shit that will collect dust and be in the same spot next year. Spike the eggnog and start family drama.

The price to play.

2007-11-19T01:21:00.002-05:00

The first recorded practice of taxes was in Ancient Egypt around 3000 BC. I hate to be the one to say this, but “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” This old concept is really fucking simple. Stop all this bitching about paying your taxes. I’m not going to pretend that I enjoy doing it, but I’m smart enough to understand the alternative and its consequences. So you don’t appreciate paying taxes to house and feed convicted felons? That’s cool. Let’s tear down the prisons and fire the jailers, and from now on DUI, larceny, rape, and murder carry only hefty fines. You get caught molesting little boys? No sweat, just pay your ticket. Why lock up killers and perverts when we can just let them roam free with the rest of us? I mean, that’s not worth any kind of money you want to pay, right?
I know most of you ignorant fucks probably couldn’t even find the United States on a world map, so I’ve circled the important part for you on this complex bar graph of income tax from 2005. Of course, this is just income tax, and doesn’t cover others (i.e. sales). But it will serve as a good comparison. To further assist you hairy apes, notice the average percentage for corporate tax in the U.S. is 10% higher than personal tax. You may also notice that the U.S. has the highest corporate tax in the world, just above Japan. Also, you'll see that personal tax in countries like France, Germany, and Belgium is almost twice as high as the United States, and their corporate tax is roughly half of their personal tax. Do you know what all of this translates to? Well, I’m no mathematician, but I think it adds up to: “stop your bitching or someone is going to stuff you into a small box and mail you to fucking Belgium, dickhead.” Again, that’s just my educated guess. Tea parties are for little girls and their stuffed animals. So just keep paying your taxes and shut the fuck up.

A grab bag full of bullshit.

2007-11-13T23:07:00.002-05:00

In Washington: The Bush administration has apparently changed policy and cleared the way for the Justice Department to restart an investigation into the government's no-warrant electronic surveillance program, a department official told Congress on Tuesday. Hinchey and other Democrats have been asking for a probe into the legality of the domestic spying program. It involves using the National Security Agency to eavesdrop on international phone calls and e-mails from people inside the United States with suspected ties to terrorists.

Why the hell does any of this matter? Didn’t they change the law on this back in August (‘Bush Throws Another Donkey Punch’)?

By changing the legal definition of what is considered ‘electronic surveillance,’ the new law allows the government to eavesdrop on those conversations without warrants.

Yes, they did. But I see what this really is then. This is to make the administration look more ‘legit.’ Well, after the investigation ‘discovers’ that they never broke the law or some shit. Very creative, Orwellian even. Beneath the Bush, there’s a dirty pussy.

In San Fernando: A nearly indestructible pit bull menaced a pumpkin patch, claiming the lives of an innocent cat and rabbit, before police overpowered it with brute force, authorities said today. An officer arrived and tried to ensnare the pit bull with a leash, but it knocked her over and bolted down Celis Street. "It became evident that the Animal Control officer was unable to recover from her fall and that the officers were forced to take immediate action," the police report read. The officers elected to ram the dog, running over it three times before it gave up.

Yes, you read that correctly. The cops said that stubborn dog refused to give up twice before finally surrendering after the third passing of two tons of metal. But I bet if you asked the dog, he gave up after the first. Or he’s a fucking robot.

In New York: A young man carrying what turned out to be a hairbrush died Monday night in a hail of bullets fired by New York police. The teen put an object under his shirt and told his mother around the time she phoned 9-1-1 that he was going to say he had a gun. Twenty shots were fired; Coppin was struck eight times. Kelly said the teen's mother reported he had not taken his anti-depressant and anti-psychotic medication.

The shooting came a year after unarmed groom Sean Bell, 23, was killed hours before his wedding in a shooting involving New York police. In 1999, unarmed African immigrant Amadou Diallo, 22, died when police in the Bronx shot him 19 times (the latter being the subject of the song “Contempt Breeds Contamination” by Trivium, in which police fired 41 shots total). Bystander Dyshawn Gibson described Monday's shooting to CNN affiliate WABC-TV. "He dropped the brush," Gibson said. "He put his hands up. Police just started firing."

Not much needs said here. Cops shot a man who never showed them his ‘weapon’ or fired one round, even if the bystander is full of it. Apparently it happens a lot with the NYPD. “This isn't justice, this is corruption.”

In Grinnell, Iowa: The college student who was told what question to ask at one of New York Sen. Hillary Clinton's campaign events said "voters have the right to know what happened" and she wasn't the only one who was planted. She said a senior Clinton staffer asked if she'd like to ask the senator a question after an energy speech the Democratic presidential hopeful gave. "I said 'Yeah, can I ask how her energy plan compares to the other candidates' energy plans?'" Gallo-Chasanoff said Monday night.

According to Gallo-Chasanoff, the staffer said, 'I don't think that's a good idea, because I don't know how familiar she is with their plans.' He then opened a binder to a page that, according to Gallo-Chasanoff, had about eight questions on it. "The top one was planned specifically for a college student," she added. "It said 'college student' in brackets and then the question."

Topping that sheet of paper was the following: "As a young person, I'm worried about the long-term effects of global warming. How does your plan combat climate change?" While she acknowledged "it's possible that all campaigns do these kind of tactics," she said that doesn't make it right.

They say kids don’t care? There’s why. That’s Maple Nut Crunch you’re smelling after waking up in front of Laurence Fishburne. Don’t get mad. Do what I plan to do in the ’08 elections: absolutely nothing.

Former presidential adviser David Gergen said the front-runner's campaign could take a hit from the incident. "When a campaign plants a question, it's a pretty minor infraction of the rules -- like a parking ticket," Gergen said. "The problem here is it feeds a damaging perception of Hillary Clinton that she can't quite be trusted.”

Actually, how about this instead? If you lie to the public about your integrity and honesty, it’s not quite like getting a parking ticket. It’s like having DUI’s and becoming a driver’s ed teacher. Get bent.

These lazy bastards we call kids.

2007-11-12T17:36:00.004-05:00

This is from PeoplePC news: Jesse Lackman says his son spends a dozen hours a week waging medieval combat across the dreary dreamscapes of computer games. Just don't expect to find Lackman sitting beside him battling ogres and dragons. “It's just such a waste of time," said Lackman, 47, a power plant operator from Center, N.D. "I tell him, 'Do something that has some lasting value.'"

I couldn’t have said it better. Well, unless I tried to. But Mr. Lackman has a point. His son could be doing so many other, more productive things, such as: watching television, reading the shitty local newspaper, avoid spending time with his family by working 60+ hours a week at a power plant, or even complain to interviewers about how pathetic kids are today. Lead by example, I guess. But Mr. Lackman’s son can’t be the only kid in America to play numerous hours of video games:

"I don't think it's good for them, the violence, the obsession," said Karen Kimball, 55, of Hale, Minn., another nonplayer who estimates her 17-year-old son plays 25 hours weekly. "No longer is it, 'Let's go out and throw a football.'"

That’s a very good point. Stop playing violent video games, and play a relaxing sport like football. Kids are just so fucked up today. They don’t respect their elders or authority, they don’t care about politics or religion, they don’t plan for their future or understand the concept of money, and they’re too lazy to leave the house. Wait a minute? Was I talking about kids or adults? Damn…

I guess it’s my turn to bitch. Know what I’m tired of? I’m tired of post-baby boomer, free love hippies who rebelled more than any fucking generation in history, who’ve never fought in any wars, who did more drugs than mankind as a whole, caused the divorce rate in this country to triple within the last thirty years, started a gluttony epidemic with obesity, and without having ever attained a college degree, proceed to lecture children on their mistakes and being apathetic and spoiled while they smoke the cigarettes they’ve tried to quit more times than years they’ve been alive as they sit in the middle of their sixth straight hour of watching shitty sitcoms and fake ass reality shows.

But maybe I’m being too harsh. I’m forgetting that most of these parental critics spend their spare time as actors on Broadway, volunteering aid in Africa, assisting local political campaigns, and fostering multiple children at a time. I hope you shallow fucks all burn in your irony and self-admiration.

Update (11/13/07):

Here's an article from a mother promoting video games. Doesn't happen too often: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/danielle-crittenden/why-your-kids-should-play_b_32365.html

She says the more her son plays "Call of Duty," the more he wants to learn about WWII. So now you all know how I got to be so fucking brilliant.

From sucking cock to saving it.

2007-10-25T01:36:00.002-04:00

I’ve never really given a fuck about the overrated actors and musicians that feel the need to inform us what they believe about religion, politics, abortion, economics, premarital sex, or whatever other bullshit issues this stupid nation concerns itself with. I figure, these assholes can’t be any smarter than the average American, and I hear that shit from those people everyday. With cunts like Fall Out Boy, Good Charlotte, Pink, and The Black Eyed Peas siding with PETA and “speaking out” against eating meat, which isn’t exactly a new concept, I’m afraid I have to draw the line when a fucking porn star, the “Queen of Sex," tells me not to eat fried chicken. Apparently Jenna Jameson has joined forces with some pretty incredible people:

“Please join Pamela Anderson, Sir Paul McCartney, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, The Rev. Al Sharpton, and countless other kind people worldwide by not eating at KFC.”

This is all part of the “Kentucky Fried Cruelty” bullshit propaganda from PETA, much like the “Truth” commercials that lie to you about the lies from the tobacco industry. Maybe what both of these organizations are trying to obtain are just goals, but when you lie and deceive to achieve them, they’re no longer pure goals. They’re just as corrupt as those they’re attempting to destroy.

Now, I knew that Pam Anderson was a spokesperson for these douches, and had a video you could watch on their site. But I really wonder if anyone has actually seen it, considering the difference with this one from her last video was that she is now talking about cock instead of deep-throating it. Actually, if they wanted people to watch it, they should just label it accordingly.

So, not content with just having a slut, these vegans pricks have acquired a real, live prostitute to speak to the youth about the bad decisions they’re making. Nice fucking work. What the fuck are they thinking? Do they really expect people to swallow this? Even Jenna doesn’t (she’s a spitter). Is this who our fucking kids are supposed to look up to and agree with? Jenna Jameson and Pamela Anderson? Jen, just stick to what you know, like tit-fucking, anal beads, and double penetration, you stupid fucking whore. The only meat you need to concern yourself with is about to shoot you in the face, bitch.

So do those stupid fucking animals a favor and eat them. Otherwise they’ll no longer serve a purpose and you’ll make them feel worthless and empty inside. Do the right thing. Go here, use their own weapons against them, and make your own sign: http://signgenerator.kfccruelty.com/ or indulge yourself and attempt a different lifestyle opposing vegetarianism: http://www.i-mockery.com/meatatarian/

2012: Doomsday or huge fucking party?

2007-09-01T11:34:00.004-04:00

Surely by now everyone's heard about the new prophecy agenda and their hellfire and brimstone predictions. Apparently these desperate fucks are even using another religion (albeit, a dead one) to foretell of the coming end. The Mayans had their own calendars, for all of you ignorant dung-dwelling monkeys, and the last date that they recorded was December 21^st of 2012 (or 12/21/2012, much more reliable than 06/06/06). Since people got sick of hearing half-assed Revelations prophecies, as if Man would possibly be allowed to know the date, they’ve instead opted to misinterpreting and stealing a completely different culture’s predictions.

First of all, should we really trust the prophecies of a nation that socially collapsed around 1200 AD and was completely conquered by the late 1690’s? They can predict the end of the world but not themselves? It reminds me of the psychic in town that got arrested. I guess the bitch didn’t see that one coming. Second, they’ve cried wolf so many times now that if God himself told us, we still wouldn’t believe it. It’s funny though, that more people were afraid of Y2K and their electricity going off than of the world coming to an end. Just priorities, I guess. But personally, I prefer The X-Files explanation that it will be an alien invasion, either to get me the fuck out of here or to take everyone else away. Or better yet, if the Earth is still here, and there actually is intelligent life that eventually lands here, then what will they think when they find a 2013 Dodge Dakota? It’s gonna fuck them all up.

Regardless, I hope it all does end in 2012. The end of the world is probably the only thing that’s going to shut them up. If they’re so inclined to die, then why don’t they just off themselves and spare us this bullshit? I tell you what though, if it does end December 21^st, 2012, I’ll let them say one last thing before we go: “I told you so.” If not, tough shit. You know what kings in the Dark Ages did to seers that didn’t see shit? They chopped off their fucking heads. I’ll have the axe ready, you jaded, shroom-eating cunts.

More than Moore, more or less.

2007-08-31T18:36:00.004-04:00

I recently acquired an illegal copy, fitting enough, of “America: Freedom to Fascism” directed by Aaron Russo, “a documentary that explores the connection between income tax collection and the erosion of civil liberties in America.” Basically, this 2005 documentary brings to light some astonishing revelations, that apparently federal income tax and the filing of your 1040 every year is in actuality unconstitutional. The film first claims, then proves that there is actually no law requiring the American working class to pay a tax on their wages. Oddly, I came into possession of this ’05 film just days after the director’s death from cancer.

After a bit of research myself, there appears to be reasonable arguments on both sides, though more leaning towards Russo’s stance. Aaron Russo does (mostly) right everything that Michael Moore did wrong, including: more facts and less personal opinions, more interviews, and more informative, and uproots more than what the government is up to, but actually why. You won’t find Russo taking kids to K-Mart and asking employees that they take out the bullets that they legally sold to parents of a couple fucking morons. You won’t find Russo blaming Charlton Heston for school shootings, or pouring in gallons of bullshit feelings and opinions. Hell, Moore was even disapproved by Ray Bradbury, which you obviously have to see some irony in that. Moore denied Bradbury’s request to change the title and tagline. I will say that I admire Moore’s stance on pro-movie leaking and downloading, which is rare. But I have to wonder if it’s more propaganda designed to increase fandom. Or maybe I just hate the fuckhead because he pissed off one of my favorite writers. But does Russo really have more integrity in the film than Moore has had, or is he not quite as flamboyant at it?

There are many great quotes used throughout the documentary, but some are wrongly attributed, mixed with other quotes, or clipped and cut to incorrectly accuse the originator of ill intent. Take for example the quote from Bill Clinton: “We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans." Sounds pretty fucking malicious to me, until I read the quote in its entirety: “We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans to legitimately own handguns and rifles—it's something I strongly support—we can't be so fixated on that that we are unable to think about the reality of life that millions of Americans face on streets that are unsafe, under conditions that no other nation—no other nations—has permitted to exist.” Moore, I’d say, more or less.

Regardless, there are very noteworthy quotes throughout the film. Edwin Viera says, “All the power is in the people. And to the extent that government becomes alienated from the people, does things the people don't want, power is transferred until you finally come to a Police State, totalitarian state, whatever word you want to give it -- where the desires of the people really have no consequence. They go out and they vote, doesn't make any difference which candidate they elect.” Oddly reminiscent is a quote from Joseph Stalin, “The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything.”

But perhaps I shouldn’t get hung-up on minor details, and instead focus on the overall message presented: If we truly should pay income tax, then why doesn’t the 16th Amendment apply and why isn’t there a law stating it? So therefor, what is it about the 16th Amendment that is disputed? “Article V of the U.S. Constitution specifies the ratification process, and requires 3/4 of the States to ratify any amendment proposed by Congress. There were 48 States in the American Union in 1913, meaning that affirmative action of 36 states was required for ratification. In February, 1913, Secretary of State Philander Knox issued a proclamation claiming that 38 states had ratified the amendment.” All sources list all 38 states as having ratified the 16th, even Wikipedia (though generally unreliable anyway). And yet, “The 4 states listed below are among the 38 states that Philander Knox claimed ratification from.”

-“The Kentucky Senate voted upon the resolution, but rejected it by a vote of 9 in favor and 22 opposed.”
-“The Oklahoma Senate amended the language of the 16th Amendment to have a precisely opposite meaning.”
-“The California legislative assembly never recorded any vote upon any proposal to adopt the amendment proposed by Congress.”
-“The State of Minnesota sent nothing to the Secretary of State in Washington.”

What it all boils down to is that “33 states engaged in the unauthorized activity of amending the language of the amendment proposed by Congress, a power the states do not possess.” Another dispute is what “income” actually entails in the Constitution. It’s nowhere described or defined in the document, yet the Supreme Court defines it as: gain from corporate activity. Not wages or labor. Another scary point brought forth is that the Federal Reserve is actually a private bank and not a federal agency.

There seems to be a massive amount of controversy surrounding the movie, which would be understandable considering its message. Many have tried to rebuke the evidence, or lack thereof. For instance, the IMDb states that there is factual error “when speaking of disarming residents in New Orleans the footage actually shows arrests by the California Highway Patrol.” Yet, the “Highway Patrol” shown raiding houses and disarming citizens are in fact dressed in army camo, two of whom are interviewed. I don’t feel like researching this particular topic, especially considering it’s the only scene in the entire movie to be regarded as wrong, but it did strike me as a little odd that they looked just like the Army, as he described them as. (Side note: the man in the picture above is my new personal hero. He is a former IRS Inspector who stumbled onto this information, that there is no income tax law, and inquired about it. He was fired for asking too much and now hasn't paid his federal income taxes in years. Stickin' it to the man, fuck yes.)

The documentary goes on to tell much more about the unlawful taxation, the Federal Reserve, and even predicts the (somewhat typical) Orwellian future that may be ahead. Many great points are presented, and some rather disturbing information is brought to light, though with a somewhat slight of hand. Despite this, it didn’t appear to me to be quite as bad as Moore’s attempts. Though with smoke and mirrors, it’s really anybody’s guess. In the end though, it’s still worth checking out. As a documentary, it’s well-crafted and gets across its point, however astonishing and enraging it may be.

“In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” –Benjamin Franklin