Why I hate the 80's.

I hate the 80's because not all of its pop icons are dead yet. Remember back when I wrote about washed-up, 80's soft-core rock dick Axl Rose preparing to finally release his 'long-awaited' CD, 'Chinese Democracy,' which makes no sense at all? Yeah, I almost forgot about that special event too. I almost forgot about disgusting Dr. Pepper's bet too:

"In March the manufacturer made headlines by saying it would give out cans of its 123-year-old soft drink if the album, “Chinese Democracy,” came out by the end of the year. That was by no means a sure proposition, since Mr. Rose had failed to meet so many deadlines over the years that the album had become the music industry’s most notorious (and expensive) shaggy-dog story."

Yeah, a few weeks ago I downloaded it and after two songs, I deleted the entire CD off my computer. But now I just read that "it took Axl Rose 14 years to complete the latest Guns N’ Roses album. But it took his lawyers only two days to take Dr Pepper to task for not making good on a promise of free soda to “everyone in America” in celebration. On Sunday the album was finally released, and Dr Pepper gave fans 24 hours to go to its Web site for a coupon redeemable for a can of soda; so many did that the site crashed, and the deadline was extended to Monday.

On Tuesday his lawyers sent a harshly worded letter to the soft drink maker complaining of its “appalling failure to make good on a promise it made to the American public,” and demanding a public apology, more time for thirsty fans, and payment for piggybacking on the “Chinese Democracy” publicity."

What in the crap? I guess some thousands of people actually wanted (free) Dr. Pepper. I'll be damned. Or maybe Dr. Pepper's bandwidth sucks. You choose. But you gotta love that dick's ego. When is he gonna realize that he had no talent 20 years ago, and his only real fans were 15 year old girls who wanted to fuck him?

Even if you ignore his shitty attempt at singing, he looks (and looked) like he just came off a 3 week binge of vodka, Big Macs, meth, and sloppy sex with hookers (who might not even all be female). If Lynyrd Skynyrd is king of white trash, and Kid Rock is prince, Axl is the court jester. But it's just our luck he's not the mime. Fuck Axl. Fuck GNR. And fuck Dr. Pepper. Oh, and if you bought 'Chinese Democracy,' fuck you too.

(I’m so glad my high school and Ivy Tech art classes paid off. Actually, I just realized I'm terrible at drawing dicks. That's a good thing.)

In a completely unrelated note, I'm going to post this:

LIGHTS - Drive My Soul (official music video)

$10 to the first person who names what movie this is inspired by. And be honest, no cheating. Don't go look it up, you prick.

Funniest fucking thing I've ever heard.

"An Indiana State Police trooper is being credited with saving a Lafayette donut shop, after noticing it on fire early this morning as he was passing. The trooper busted a glass door and put out the flames with a fire extinguisher.

According to a release from Indiana State Police, Trooper Ryan Winters had just finished inspecting a semi at the Knight's Inn on Indiana 26 around 1:49 a.m., when he noticed flames at the nearby Krispy Kreme donut shop at 4030 State Road 26 East as he was driving away.
Winters notified dispatchers, then busted out the front glass door to see if anyone was inside. The business was closed and nobody was inside.

According to the release, Winters grabbed a fire extinguisher and put out the fire that had started in the kitchen area."

Everyone who despises cop/donut jokes just choked on these words harder than a dick. The best part is that this was probably the most work he did all week long. He's not even a firefighter or anything. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you have your priorities straight and a real motive to act, isn't it? Motherfucker.

Simple life.

I miss playing Shingen the Ruler. And Klax. And Conquest of the Crystal Palace. I miss spending countless hours in front of the shitty-ass TV Kevin and I had in our room, (not) watching the hours pass by while we kicked the shit out of Lich and Kary in Final Fantasy, showed Bald Bull who's boss in Punchout!, and ran our asses off on the GamePad, hopping hurdles in Track & Field II.


I miss playing Super C, and Super Mario Brothers, and Tecmo Super Bowl with my father, brother, cousins, and friends, and letting those pixels teach me all about life. I miss Defender II, Lifeforce, Mega Man 2, Metroid, Dr. Mario, and Tetris. I miss smashing my controllers and shouting about how my games cheat. So what the hell happened? I miss my 8-bit life.


Fuck.

Fuck penance.

I don't really have the will or patience (or maybe creativity) to write anything funny about this. I'll just post the funny parts and let you laugh at that instead:

A Catholic priest in South Carolina has decided that the democratic act of casting a vote is, in some cases, a mortal sin. Therefore, he has decided that parishioners who voted for Barack Obama are not entitled to the grace of Jesus Christ through communion until they've done penance.

"Persons in this condition should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation."

I knew this shit wouldn't stop after the elections were over.

Damnit all to fuck.

I can't find a working torrent of Repo! anywhere. Fucking movie's only playing in six theaters too. Gonna be waiting a fucking while it seems. Anyway, here's a nice little vid of the badass Paris Hilton. Tell me she's not hot. Seriously.

Here's my braless support.

This is not the "single, greatest, and most influential moment of my life." Sorry. Most people seem to have some kind of neurological condition that forces them to believe that any and every event that occurs in their lifetime is something spectacular compared to the last five billion years of Earth's history, and that these events will be remembered for years and years.

If an average American was assigned the task of writing a history book, chronologically describing America's past based upon their own knowledge, there would be very little in the book other than the happenings within their own lives. And that's why people think that anything notable that happens in their short, miserable lives eclipses every other event in history: they're too ignorant and apathetic to research and learn on their own. But, they do get to vote. Makes sense to me.

Happy Election Day, or whatever. I voted this year too. Well, I voted by not voting. See, I think Bush needs another four years. It's not that he deserves it or anything. He was just really onto something: peace through annihilation. He's such a horribly underrated man of our time. He just forgot a few hundred other countries. But he does still have a few months left in his term. Let's hope he doesn't get lazy in the home-stretch. This is no time to start slacking off. Let the bombs fall and don't forget to save a few for us.

Update: Obama won. I'll give it to him. He did a hell of a job. But guess how much Indiana helped him out? Here, I'll circle the state on the map in case you idiots don't remember where we're located: