March 19, 2008

Tuesday zombie movie marathon.

So after work I decided I’d finally go buy ’Black Sheep’. As you can tell by the cover, it’s about zombie sheep in New Zealand. Sounds badass. I figured Hasting’s would have it. But the fuckers didn’t. So I picked up two other zombie movies I hadn’t seen yet instead, and turned my night into a zombie movie marathon. Here’s how it turned out:

1st Movie…

Resident Evil: Extinction

I was hoping for the best with this one. The first was kickass, and though Apocalypse was somewhat disappointing (especially Nemesis), the trailers looked pretty fucking good. I got about the same enjoyment out of it as the second. Nothing spectacular, nothing horrible. It threw in a lot of cool shit, like: zombie birds, a pryo scene that made me think of the Phoenix, and a slight overall feel that reminded me of ’Day of the Dead.’ But I’m tired of this clone kick that everyone in Hollywood seems to be on. It’s fucking tired. And how in the fuck was that mutated scientist supposed to be cool, let alone the main ’boss’ fight at the end? That shit was as fucking pathetic as it gets. Also, why the hell did all 30 people in the band of survivors get out at every stop they made? Oh, so they could kill off everyone from the previous movies and leave an open ending for the next installment which will apparently only have one person in the cast: Alice, one million times over. Good action, good effects, shitty dialog, and piece of shit plot. 3 severed zombie heads (out of 5).

2nd Movie…

Automaton Transfusion

I knew what I was getting into with this one. A low budget and the whole movie filmed in 9 days. I was expecting zero plot, poor acting, but lots of blood and some precision chainsaw-to-the-face combos. It started off like I expected, with a bunch of pansy high school kids like you see in all the clichéd teen flicks. But I knew this was gonna be good about thirty minutes in when a zombie punched through a chick’s stomach, pulled out a fetus, and ate it. Wow. Despite the serious need of more testosterone in these whiny bitches (especially the men), this movie had it all: shotguns, chainsaws, baseball bats, and even brass knuckles. Then the whole movie went to shit in the last 20 minutes with a fucking moronic ending (military-created zombies after Vietnam) and a huge "To be continued…" before the credits rolled. Fucking lame. 2 severed zombie heads (out of 5).

3rd Movie…

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Ok, so after those two (somewhat) shitty zombie movies, I put in one that was already my own that I just couldn’t go wrong with. One of the only good remakes, ever. You can’t go wrong with the same director as ’300’ (and the upcoming ’Watchmen’); same music composer as ’300’, Rob Zombie’s ’Halloween’, and ’Doomsday’; Ving Rhames, and a guy perched on a rooftop sniping celebrity look-a-likes. This movie just kicks fucking ass all around. Romero started this zombie shit. There’s no denying it. But in my mind, this is probably the best it will get. I really don’t need to say more. If you haven’t seen it, you’re fucking bait. And you’re not ready. Because they’re coming.
5 severed zombie heads (out of 5).


"When there’s no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the earth."

March 7, 2008

Fuck hard liquor.

I'm done with it. All of it. No more fucking hard liquor for me. This morning about an hour before work I crawled into the bathroom and threw up half a fifth of vodka and Bloody Mary mix, and a few beers. To help paint this beautiful picture much more eloquently for you, some even came out of my fucking nose. I couldn't even tell if some of it was blood or not. So then I cleaned myself up, took a shower, took eight aspirin, and went to work like a fucking soldier.

After holding the rest down and putting up with the bright fluorescent lights and that motherfucker's annoying motherfucking stories and bullshit, I came to the conclusion that I seriously need to fucking stop. No more waking up and forgetting where my truck is. No more throwing up or hangovers. No more drunk dials. No more cleaning up my puke or being carried out of bars. No more fucking road signs. No more Everclear, Jaeger, vodka, scotch, whiskey, absinthe, tequila, and yes, no more rum or 151. I'm out. I'm done. Fuck hard liquor.

But I'm still down for a round of beers. There's no way I'd stop that shit a week before St. Patty's. I'm taking shit easy now. So be prepared.

March 5, 2008

Fuck my truck.

So, today, two days after paying a tow bill and for a new tire, which would best be described as blown-the-fuck-open, not flat, I came out to find my back passenger tire locked up from the emergency break. Nothing fucking new. I usually just gunned it and it would kick off, no problems. Not today. Today, instead, I gave it hell and nothing was working, except completely burning my fucking clutch. That worked.

Now I'm paying another tow bill, and over a grand apparently, for the clutch and the new break line. Seems a bit fucking steep to me. Then again, it wouldn't truly be my vehicle until I paid more in repairs in less than two years than what I paid to begin with. It's getting very close to being as great of a vehicle as all of the rest of pieces of shit I've had.

I came up with the idea this morning that I should drive it into a quarry. Then I realized that would be impossible since I can't shift fucking gears. But if I had it towed to the quarry, I
could just push the damn thing off. Then I realized that the back wheel was locked up and I couldn't even do that. So my new idea is to set up a stack of bricks and spend all day throwing them at my fucking sorry excuse for a truck. Fuck my truck.

On a side note, some of you fucking assholes are more than welcome to sit in the cab/bed while I throw the bricks. Just a thought. Kill two birds with one stone...
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